Would You Take a Promotion?

i'm glad you're taking the time to think this over carefully, and thank you for giving a succinct overview of the mitigating factors in your question.

this is an even more precarious situation because your marriage sounds as if it's not a source of joy, support and appreciation at all, and that's the looming issue that overshadows all the others.

under most circumstances i'd encourage you to take the promotion. not just because of the money, but because of the positive energy created by traveling an upward trajectory in your professional life. and having that additional security would, i think, be helpful in evaluating a crisis that i foresee coming toward you in the near future, and that's what to do about a husband who doesn't contribute to the household and tears you down.

i'm so, so glad that you're not seriously considering another baby with him right now. despite your issues with depression and anxiety, and the pressure he's putting on you, you're keeping a clear head. i so admire you for that. it can't be easy to do.

so while i want you to be making more money and becoming more financially independent which will give you more choices going forward, i can certainly also see how it would create other and even greater problems, namely that you'd have less time to take care of the household in which you're getting zero help, and mostly that you'd have less time with your son.

is it possible to have a conversation with your supervisor about taking on some additional responsibilities, even if it doesn't result in more pay, but being firm about not spending any more time actually working? that is, keep boundaries around your time, but demonstrate flexibility and eagerness to move up within those time boundaries. while it would result in more stress and responsibility at work, it would also keep the professional door open while you work out the home issues.

and i think that's where you need to laser focus your attention. no one should be walking on eggshells in their home, their sanctuary, their sacred space. you need to get into marital counseling to work out better communications skills with your husband and/or personal counseling so that you value yourself more highly than settling for a lifetime of this.

and you know what the crowning concern is, right? that your son is internalizing all of this as 'how relationships work.' and you sound way too smart to want that to be a thing.

you have difficult decisions to make, my dear, and i don't envy you, but i'm so rooting for you. keep that wise head on straight, and untangle this strand by strand so that you and your child end up strong, confident and happy.

ETA after reading the other responses, i have to concur. if you take the promotion you'll have more money to hire help, and that would take a lot of your stress away. but mostly it will empower you to either redefine the parameters of your marriage or make it possible for you to start over as a single mom. either would be an improvement. good luck!
khairete
S.

When I was working, I took promotions. I found that after the initial adjustment period, things settled down and I wasn't working much more than I had been. You grow, you learn, you move up and then that becomes the norm. So there will be a period where you are learning and dealing with new responsibilities, but hopefully over time, you'll adjust - I'm sure you will.

Personally, in your situation, I would not have another child. You're grappling to make ends meet at times and your marriage does not sound supportive.

I would take the promotion (first learn more about it to make sure it is a good fit), then I would attend marriage counseling. If your husband won't go, then I'd go to see a therapist for a few sessions. Talking this all out with someone who is objective and supportive can make the world of difference.

Good luck :)

If I were in your situation.... Rocky marriage which is an unstable home for your child...

I'd take the promotion, save the extra money, learn to delagate.

I would not get pregnant under any circumstance if my marriage was rocky and what you described yours to be.

I'd be using this opportunity to grow myself and prepare to be a single mom.

Believe in yourself!!! If you are being looked at for a promotion.... someone believes you are capable of the promotion! You can do this!!!

Take the promotion. You can either use that extra money with your DH or use it to support yourself if you separate from your DH. Also, in many jobs, "refusing a promotion" can put a target on your back if layoffs or anything similar comes along.

Sweetie, you have a crappy marriage. You need to think long and hard about what you want for your future and your son's future. Do you want him to think that calling Mommy nasty names is the right thing to do? You and your husband need marriage counseling ASAP if you want this marriage to continue.

I would take the promotion, hire some help and get ready to be a single parent. Please do not have another baby. Another baby isn't going to fix your marriage. Until your husband is an equal partner, I would stay on BC and keep my knees together.

Well for starters, I wouldn't consider a husband who criticizes me and calls me names AND refuses to do his fair share for the home and family a "dear" husband. And I wouldn't give him another child, that's for sure.
I'd take the promotion and start planning and saving for a secure future for myself and my child, as I would never allow my kids to see their mother abused the way you are.

Having a second child with someone who has already shown you that he will be minimally engaged in the household would be a bad idea. Plus, he is verbally/emotionally abusive. Have you been to marriage counseling? Would he even go?

The promotion sounds like an opportunity to stabilize your finances. This would be good in general, but also in case you divorce because your marriage problems can't be solved.

Take the promotion.
Do NOT get pregnant.
Start putting money aside to move out and hire help.

Hi there, Wow, the disrespect your husband shows you is not good. If I were you I would insist on marriage counseling. I personally would take the promotion and I would hire a competent, kind person to help with my son and with duties around the house. We have 3 neighbors who have au pairs from other countries who live with them and help with the kids. The moms in these families have great careers going and the au pairs are there to pick up kids from school, help with homework, get dinner started, etc. I would also definitely hire a house cleaning service to come once a week. I would not even consider having a 2nd child until your husband works very hard in counseling and makes some changes to his behavior and how he speaks to you and treats you. Accept no less. PS - I think that working and accepting a promotion does not mean you put your child 2nd. When I was a kid I was very proud of my mom and how hard she worked and how successful she was. You are being a wonderful role model for your son. He is not a baby anymore...he is in school most of the day and he will get more and more independent as he grows up. Seeing you be successful and strong is priceless.

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Hi there, Wow, the disrespect your husband shows you is not good. If I were you I would insist on marriage counseling. I personally would take the promotion and I would hire a competent, kind person to help with my son and with duties around the house. We have 3 neighbors who have au pairs from other countries who live with them and help with the kids. The moms in these families have great careers going and the au pairs are there to pick up kids from school, help with homework, get dinner started, etc. I would also definitely hire a house cleaning service to come once a week. I would not even consider having a 2nd child until your husband works very hard in counseling and makes some changes to his behavior and how he speaks to you and treats you. Accept no less. PS - I think that working and accepting a promotion does not mean you put your child 2nd. When I was a kid I was very proud of my mom and how hard she worked and how successful she was. You are being a wonderful role model for your son. He is not a baby anymore...he is in school most of the day and he will get more and more independent as he grows up. Seeing you be successful and strong is priceless.

If I were in your shoes, I would be thinking about being a single mom. This man sounds like a nightmare. DO NOT have another baby with him. That is double the trouble he is causing you.

Take the promotion, hire a cleaning service, and start putting away money.

You have to take a serious look at your marriage. It's one things to post a question and get some opinions, thoughts, feedback, etc.. I've definitely done that, and sometimes it's really helped me gain some perspective. But the first person to be discussing this with is your husband. You and your husband should be able to discuss this openly and honestly, listening to each others thoughts and weighing the pros and cons. The two of you should be able to come to a decision that you are both happy with. If you can't do that, then you have to figure out how to help your relationship so that you can do that. If that's not going to happen, then you have to decide whether or not the marriage can be saved.

Bottom line, the promotion, a second child, the housework ... all of these things are secondary to working on your marriage. That has to be scary and overwhelming! It might really help if you talked to a therapist. This is no way to live. Your life really can be so much better than this! It's worth it. Talk to someone soon. It might be a lot of work, but you will be so glad you did it.

Yes. Take the promotion. With your marriage on the rocks, there is a possibility that it may wind up with a separation or a divorce. The promotion will provide financially stability for you and your son if this happens.

In addition, it sounds like you could really use some marriage counseling, or even some individual counseling. The additional funds would help pay for that.

As for a second child, I don't know why that's even part of this question as it has no bearing. Why would you even consider having a child with a man who is clearly a bad father and a horrible role model for a child?

Take the promotion and hire a maid.
Also at work - learn to delegate.
Do NOT have another child with this man - every time you want more help from him he'll just not do it and want to get you pregnant again.
Whether the marriage fails or not - a better paying job is in your best interest for you and your child.
A better paying job will help you live better, can take family vacations, will help you save for college and retirement.

2nd children in our family have been bad luck for 2 generations.
My moms brother was a mess and my sister was hell to live with.
The one thing my sister and I ever agreed on was One and Done - we each have one child

First you need a therapist. Since you work full time, this is probably covered in your benefits plan. I suggest you make an appointment immediately to try to get some perspective on your work-life balance with and without the promotion. Obviously your marriage issues are also going to come up and it will be good for you to have outside perspective on that as well.

The benefit is often called "Employee assistance program" or something like that.

If I were you: I'd take the promotion, hire help, and see the therapist to figure out if my marriage was worth continuing. Because I don't think the stress that is causing your anxiety and depression is from your job. I think it's from your husband.

Please take the promotion and start planning you and your son's future, most likely without your husband. Please don't bring another child into the situation as it is now. If you keep your current job and have another that just insures longer time being stuck with your man. He does not sound like a nice person and I don't know if that can be changed.

The stress is probably from your marriage. A promotion will make you feel more empowered and in control of your own life! You can do this!!

Welcome to mamapedia!!

First off - your child will be coming first if you take this promotion so you can better provide for him.

Second - your marriage needs counseling. I wonder if your conversations start with YOU aren't doing enough...or YOU make....or YOU DO....instead of I FEEL...I AM.. I NEED. Anyone you start the conversation with YOU ARE, YOU DO, YOU MAKE - the person automatically goes on the defensive.

Third - You work normal hours now. If you manage yourself properly and delegate what is needed to delegate, your hours might not change much.

With this pay raise, you can afford to hire a cleaning service to come in and clean. That will take a stress off you.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him what you expect and what you need.

Honey - I need this from you....I need your support....I need your help....

Stop walking on egg shells. Get marriage counseling. Is this the example of a marriage you want to set for your son? If the answer is NO. then MARRIAGE COUNSELING!

You can do this. Keep a great calendar. Keep a list of things to do and delegate out what you know can be delegated. Break things down on your things to do list - make sure you have a time line of due dates and the like. It will help you stay organized.

Remember to breathe. Stress comes from many different sources. You can alleviate many of yours simply by planning.

i am thinking you need to sit your hubby down and talk to him about how you feel. talk to a marital counselor to help you work thru things. and after the talk with your hibbes you should be better able to decide on where to move job wise. and if hes willing to fix his side of the marital issues then you can think about baby #2. but only if hes willling to change and take up household responsibility

Hi A.,

One thing that would help me advise you is knowing what other child care resources you have. He's 6 so I'm assuming he's in school full time. Does the school have before and/or after care? Do you have family that can fill in with supplemental child care?

My take on this is you should take the promotion, as it can only benefit you professionally. As far as your "dh" is concerned, if you think counseling would help, I would not try to dissuade you. However, there are a few deal breakers in your post that would likely cause me to separate at least until he can get himself together and learn how to properly treat you, especially the name calling. Further, I think adding another life to the mix is precarious at best.

I'll use my inside voice for my other comments about his behavior and simply tell you that you're in my thoughts and I'll send along a prayer for you for good measure. Take care of that little one. I'm sure he's just precious. S.

Take the promotion and use the extra money to pay for things to make your life easier. Cleaning people. Babysitting. Meal prep. Then see how things go with your husband. Your son is 6 so getting closer to being more independent. I'd consider that. Do these promotions come up fairly often so if you say no now, in say 2 years you'll have another chance? Or this is it for 10 years?

My husband wanted more than 2 kids. I also make more than him and while he's helpful at times, way more child stuff has always fallen to me and it has been a bone of contention. So for that reason and some others, I said 2 is enough. If I really wanted a 3rd, that's one thing. But do it for him when most of the stress falls on me? No. I'd say the same should apply to you. Do what you want.

Your marriage needs counseling. Leaving him is't going to change his anger. You need to understand why this is going on. You should be able to sit down and have a rational conversation with him. Have a list of things you want to discuss with him. Schedule it like you would a date and tell him how you are feeling.

You need to take the promotion. In the long run, it will help you.

Personally, I would skip the promotion...especially if it means longer hours. I only work part time and I find my dd hates it when I'm at work because we enjoy our time with each other. Stress will affect no only you, but also your kid. Sometimes more money just isn't worth it.
I would work on your marriage and don't bring more kids into the mix.

Someone has to provide for your family. The fact that your husband isn't making a very good living doesn't help. BUT sometimes the woman is the breadwinner.

I suggest you consider the job but plan on hiring a housekeeper to come in once per week and clean the house. Change the sheets, remake the beds, clean the kitchen and fridge, vacuum and/or mop the entire house, and maybe one more thing. Expect them to work around 3 hours per week. You can find someone that will work for less, I see people wanted a LOT of money to clean but then I know people that would do it for $10 per hour. Most everyone I know pays $20 per hour.

You are going to have to tell your husband he has chores and they're his. If he doesn't do them they don't get done. Then DO NOT do them for him when he tests you and won't do them.

He must prepare dinner and at the very least put the dishes in the dishwasher or rinsed in the sink. He should pick up kiddo from the babysitter and then help them get ready for bed if you're not home. He needs to understand if you work longer hours then he is the one who will have to pick up the slack.

At the very least consider this. If you are making a higher wage you will be able to support you and your child on your income? If you choose to move out?

Another option is to have a nanny that will also clean some. I was a contract hire nanny, that means "I" was responsible for my own taxes and I had no benefits. My services were claimed on their taxes for the child care benefit and I filed my own taxes on what they paid me.

I was paid per child per hour/day/week. Then I was paid a little bit per job I did. If I washed and put away 5 loads of laundry per day, if I prepared dinner I got a certain amount extra, if I transported the kids to classes or activities, etc...I was paid for those things. The mom was a professor of nursing and only worked certain months of the year so I wasn't needed every single day.