Wondering What to Do About Husband Siblings

I actually have a very simular situation. My hubby & his brother don't really get along. Been going on way before I came along I guess. No matter how hard I have tried with my sister in law she has stayed distant. We moved closer to be close to family, His & mine. But no matter what I try it doesn't change. Hubby has never been close & has pretty much given up. They are civil to each other around their Grandma.. But lil else. I have always been confused about this because my family is close. But I have learned it is between them.. sorry I probably didn't help.

Since it is a brother thing I would almost wonder about it being the sister-in-law being distant. I am on the other side (the sister-in-law) and I can tell you I'm much more drawn to my side than my husband's and just more apt to go that way.

Hi E.,

Family dynamics build over time, and the only people who know the full story are your husband and his brother. This kind of stuff has its roots in childhood, and is more common than you think. You are not alone; I struggle with this myself.

You can try to get the back story from your husband, but knowing "why" won't change the situation. Your SIL has made it known that doesn't have time for you, either because she doesn't want to, or she has other demands. It hurts and stinks, but why pine after the attention of someone who doesn't want to give it to you?

E. - I would break the ice. What can it hurt?? Let them know how they make you feel. Who knows, maybe you have hurt their feelings in some unknown way? All types of things will come out around the kitchen table. My suggestion is that if they are making you feel inferior or umwelcome - don't live with it, put it to them. After expressing yourself, who knows? But at least their cruddy behavior won't be a Pink Elephant in the livingroom anymore. Good Luck

Hi - my husband has four siblings. We are not close to any of them. We have tried, repeatedly, to be closer to them. The fact is, they are just different from us. They have different priorities and see the world very differently than we do. Bascially, the only time we see them is at family functions (which ends up being about 4 times per year). Everyone is civil, but there's no closeness. There was a time that this bothered me a great deal and still does sometimes. It's just the way it is.

Take you cues from your husband. There may be reasons they don't want to be around each other that they cannot or do not wish to talk about. It seems as though they have made it pretty clear they are not interested. Send cards/gifts for the kids so they know you are interested in a relationship. As they get older they may reach out to you and want to know their cousins.

Just let it go and move on, she has expressed she isn't interested just by her actions. It's a bad thing where the kids are involved, but there is really nothing you can do about it.
My father has 9 brothers and 2 sisters, he only speaks to about 3 or 4 of them. A lot has gone on in the last 20+ years and most of the brothers are not interested in a relationship with the rest of the family. I haven't seen any of my cousins on his side of the family in almost 30 years!
I realize that this is not the perfect solution for you, but it will save your sanity!

Sounds like we are married into the same family! My Husband had/had 3 brothers. One lives in Nevada or somewhere and is never even spoken about and has been 'out' of the family for over 20 years. One just passed away last March. You think that it would have shown the last remaining brothers to get closer together as you never know, but it seems to have divided them even more. I have tried several times to include them in our family gatherings, but they just don't have any desire to be included. My BIL is different than yours. He is not married, lives with someone, and his only hobbies are drinking and smoking. Hubby and I have NO desire to sit at a bar for hours on end, we prefer to spend time with our girls.

At this point, after over 10 years, I have just given up. Sad that my girls will never know their uncles....they had only just started to get to know the one that passed and it hurts them that their other uncle wants nothing to do with them.

I would definitely talk to your husband and see if there is something you don't know about. Otherwise maybe you could invite the kids over for a play date. Or stop by with a plate of cookies or something. Invite them over for dinner. Do you get together for holidays? That may be a good time to strike up a conversation and find something you two (women) have in common. Talking about the kids is always good. Let me know how it goes.

I would start with just talking to your husband, maybe he knows why and just hasn't shared it, not thinking it to be relavant. Otherwise I would possibly talk to your brother in law or his wife and simply just ask. Explain your feelings and the thought that it would be nice to have the kids be able to play together and see what they say. If they say no and have some reason (childish or otherwise) just practice acceptance and know you did everything you could.

I wish I could relate better- both my siblings live across the country, and all my partners family lives across state lines. I would say bring it up with your husband. Maybe he feels the same way maybe not, but either way if it's on your mind I don't see why you can't at least try to talk about it. Something I would suggest is to invite your nephew/neices over to do things with your kids. Maybe the mom will come along, or maybe she will just drop them off, but it could be a good start to get your families a little closer. Good luck,

You need to find a way to talk to them. Something probably happened when the brothers were kids and your hubby's brother can't let go and is still mad about something that happened years ago. Or maybe his wife is just an unhappy person and not open to new friends. I would say try to invite them over for dinner have dinner and plan an activity to keep the kids busy so the four of you can talk. You may not get any real response from them but you could state your case. Tell them you want to be friends, see what happens. I know this is difficult. I come from a very disfunctional family but with me it is cousins, my siblings are deceased. But it hurts when family members won't talk to you and won't tell you why. Unfortunately they are missing out on what could become very good friends for both families.

E.,
I have a similar situation with my brother & his wife. Ever since they got married (my kids were not yet in school at that time) they pulled away from family gatherings or get togethers. My kids are super affectionate & huggy & my SIL looks like it's a chore to hug them goodbye. I've talked to my brother about it and his response was they have other priorities. Since my nephew is now 3 and asks about my kids and me, he makes a little more of an effort - they just had my 11 & 7 1/2 yr old overnight for the first time (I've watched his son countless times). It comes down to a different set of values and you have to just let it go and try not to let it hurt you. Feel free to email me if you need to vent - I know how frustrating it is!

It may not be any "deep rooted" problem-- sometimes siblings just aren't close. I have 3 brothers and 4 sisters and we are all very close. We talk every week and get together all the time. My husband, on the other hand, has a brother he never talks to and a sister that we talk to every couple of months. It used to bug me to but they are all fine with it. When we're together we have a great time and then everyone goes their seperate ways. In some families that's just how it is.

I dont think any of the advice that i read suggested to give the SIL the benifit of the doubt that maybe she really is busy and overwhelmed or even just flaky about calling people back. Maybe she feels bad about it too? I am the sister in law that does the turning down the most in our family and it really is because we're busy. What works for me personally is persistance.. if someone invites me often enough they are bound to find a time i am actually avaliable and will say yes. I know it sucks to feel like you're the only one trying for the relationship, but I would suggest being the bigger person and continuing to offer and request visits, just understand that they dont have to accept. You can only control your actions, so make them good ones. What others do in response is their decision. Hopefully it will get thru that the inlaws are always welcome and wanted to do stuff with your family, and when they are ready to, they will respond..... :) Good Luck!

I agree with other posts, what has happened in probally deep rooted between your husband and his brother. However, I believe that the children should not be subject to adult problems. If I were you, I would make an effort to have the cousins get together on a normal basis. Since you live so close, that seems like it should be somewhat do-able. Maybe you can call and suggest that you can pick up the other cousins on Saturday and they can all go to Chuck E Cheese or swiming at the Y, or whatever activity you have going on. If you are up for watching the other kids, it would allow the kids to get to know each other in a setting that is not tense between the adults. Just a thought of something I might attempt to do in your situation... good luck

I'll be interested in your responses, I have the same situation. Sometimes I think I should just get it out in the open..lots of times I"ve found out that it's just other's baggage and not me at all. All people are different, but it hurts, cuz I'd like my kids to be close to their cousins....Good luck, you're not alone...

I agree speaking that your husband should be your first step. if he thinks it is something that can or should be resolved then you both should do your best. But keep in mind all families are different. My husband loves his family very much but they dont speak very often. They do live far away so the phone is their only real contact. however i live close to my family and speak to my mother and sisters nearly everyday. Perhaps the closeness that you are seeking just isnt part of how they work as a family. I do agree that if the children are around the same age it is good to have them around cousins but if feelings are strained between the parents it can carry over the the children and not having relationship is better then one that causes problems between the children.

I would start with asking your hubby if something is wrong. Sounds like something happened years ago. Then ask your sister in law in private if for some reason they don't want to be family. Sounds like you will have to do the searching on this one good luck!

Don't take it personally. Obviously there's more to this story than you know. This is really your husband's issue, and if HE doesn't want to develop a relationship with his brother and his brother's wife, maybe there's a good reason.

I think if your SIL is not calling back or accepting invites, it's probably because she's being loyal to her man. Who knows what happend between your husband and his brother in the past. And who knows what BIL and SIL have said to him or about him or maybe you, in the past, let alone what they are saying or thinking now. Maybe they had a fight that was never resolved, maybe your husband doesn't like his brother's wife, and so on.. Your husband probably has a better clue about what's up and it seems he just doesn't want to be bothered with his brother or his wife.

Be thankful he's (dh) is not pushing for a warm and fuzzy relationship. He probably has good reasons. However, I could understand if you were upset that he's not sharing why he and his brother aren't so tight. Perhaps see if he'll shed some light on the subject so you won't be worried that it's all about you.

Whether what you find out is good or not so good, just keep in mind that your husband is probably handling the situation the best way possible. There is a saying.."familiarity breeds contempt." Just because you're all related, doesn't mean the relationship will be a fruitful one.

Just support your husband on where he's coming from, and not dwell so much on how others are acting.