When Mom Dies, What Happens with Step-Dad?

I don't have an answer but I would play it by ear. Ya know, you set out to stay together but then no one really needs it so ......

My uncle died when he was younger and my aunt remarried. She is still alive, sort of (Altzheimers) but they couldn't imagine he being anything but grandpa. They were all adults when my uncle died. Still they all still live here so it wouldn't be a huge trip for them to visit, ya know?

Sorry about your mom!!!!!!!!

Has your mom ever spoke about this issue? I have made it clear to my girls that they better not ever treat their SD like a stranger, he has helped to provide, teach and care for the girls it would hurt me to think they would not come to visit or call to check in with their SD. It takes a special kind of person to genuinely love and raise a child that they did not birth and let go of all the fears that you are speaking of! He is a part of your family so be the glue that will keep it that way for him and your mom.

He is still Grandpa.
He is still Step-Dad.
Just because your Mom may not be around, that does not make the person "disposable" and non-existent.

You say he is a great guy.
That is the bottom line.
He will ALSO be mourning your Mom. Men... mourn differently. So allow him that.

He IS, "family." He is your Mom's Husband. They have been married a long time. The kids call him Grandpa and know him as Grandpa.
He is.

HE probably feels uncomfortable TOO. And does not intrude on you all, because he knows he is a "Step" Dad. So he is trying to respect "boundaries" instead of being a pushy man.
Put yourself in his, shoes.
It is about time, after being married to your Mom for FIFTEEN YEARS... that he is made to feel welcome and at home with you all.
He probably feels like an outsider.
But is and wants to be, a part of the family....

Now, just to share something with you: My Dad died about 11 years ago. Once he died... my Dad's family pretty much.... IGNORED my Mom and NEVER EVER contact her anymore. At all. Because, she is an "in-law" and since my Dad died, they make NO EFFORT AT ALL... to still make her a part of the family. It is HURTFUL. To her and us. Those are our cousins, too. It is very... cold and callous and so lacking in emotions.
ONLY 1 cousin, and 1 Aunty from my Dad's side of the family, will contact my Mom. About a couple of times a year. BUT... my Mom, on her own volition, TRIES to contact them and make conversations and calls them. They are not always, so friendly. Not, since my Dad died.
-And it shows their true character... and how they all these years, must have just not given a damn about my Mom as an in-law or as my Dad's Wife.

So please think about that... side of the coin too.
Think about how you all... think of your Step-Dad... presently and later... and how it might feel for him. That he is perhaps, regarded as not 'really' family. Just because he is the Step-Dad and 2nd Husband and "not blood" family. To you all.
I am sure... he thinks about this too... and it may be a sensitive thing for him too.
AND... I am sure... he is thinking about what his life will be.... when/if your Mom passes on. How will all of you... regard him... afterward?

Again, he is family. He is "Grandpa" and he has been for the past FIFTEEN years... of your Mom's life and your lives.

He is not a 'friend.' He is... family.
And yes, you still include him or visit him at Christmas.
And yes, he is STILL Step-Dad and part of the family.
And yes, if he re-marries, respect that.
And YES, you talk to him... before your Mom passes on. And do not assume... that you all and he are just "passing" seasons to each other and just move on when/if your Mom dies.

Again, all I know is how it feels, when 1 side of the family, pretty much IGNORES you/your family, after 1 member of that family dies.
My Dad's family, makes NO effort, to even stay connected with my Mom or us... since he died. That pretty much means, they don't care. And are just really, shallow. It is, hurtful.

You are all grown-ups now. Not kids.
Your Mom re-married and has been married to your Step-Dad for 15 years.
It is time, he is thought of as family.
You said he is a nice man. And if your Mom was happy with him, then respect him for being a happy part of your Mom's life.

It is not only his job... to "integrate" with you all. It is your job, too.
For him, and for your Mom.

Your Mom... most probably WORRIES about him too... and how you all, will react toward him, after she passes.
That is a huge thing, to have on someone's shoulders, when they are ill and they are not going to live much longer.
My Dad was ill... before he died. He worried about us and our Mom. His Wife. That is only, natural.

Show your Step-Dad, that he IS 'family' too. After all these years.
And mean it.
So that your Mom does not have to worry, about him and his being alone, without her.
That he will STILL have, family. Too.
Yours.

I'm so sorry about your Mom, maybe you if possible, can talk to your Mom about it and get her take and feelings on it.

The relationship between all of you and Step dad needs to be mutual. You both have to want to put in the effort to see each other, and be a real grandpa to the children. But you cant force these things, again, you both have to want to.

And maybe if you feel comfortable doing so, have a conversation with him as well.
Some serious thought and consideration should be taken about this now while you still can.

Best wishes.

wow i would think 15 years is more than a season, and J. as you will be losing your mom he'll be losing his partner, you should def visit and be there for eachother and show him hes always part of the family.

When my FIL died, we knew that his wife, my husband's step mother would absolutely be a part of our lives. His siblings do not have a relationship with her at all and that has caused some difficulty for my husband with his siblings. We love her. She took extraordinary care of my FIL after his stroke and his struggle with and death from cancer. My kids feel so lucky to have three grandmothers as they never knew their grandfathers. My step-MIL is now suffering from Parkinson's and cancer and I feel like we need to show our concern and love for her, not just because we care about her, but because my FIL loved her...if that makes sense. Staying connected to your step father is a way to honor and stay connected to your mother.

He is your kids grampa. I think it would be hard enough losing your wife but devastating to lose your whole family, all your holiday traditons and grandkids. And for the kids, hard enough to lose gramma, but grampa too? Unthinkable. If it were me, I'd reach out to your mom now and let her know that you very much want the wall of seperation bewteen him and the rest of the family to be broken down and for him to know he will always be family and grampa to the kids. Maybe you can all start to take every other year for Christmas. One year at your house, the next at your bother, the next at his and so on. I forgot to say - I'm very sorry that you are losing your mom. I lost my mom a few years ago and I know how hard it is. I do not like her husband one bit. But he is still grampa.

My Dad passed away from cancer 4 years ago, leaving our family in the same situation. My 2 siblings and I still have a relationship with our step mom and her 2 children (and everyone's spouses.) It has taken an effort on all our parts though. It would have been very easy to no longer be a part of each others lives but we knew that's not what Dad would have wanted. Also, my 3 children see her as their grandma and, in fact, call her Grandma. They wouldn't have understood why Grandma wasn't a part of their lives anymore which wouldn't be fair to them. Now, to be honest, we don't see her as much as we see our Mom. For holidays, we usually spend a day before or after the holiday with our step family and the actual holiday with our "real" families. It seems to work for us so far.

My step mom has dated since my Dad's passing. I'll admit it was a little weird. We don't begrudge her happiness and love though. She's young, in her 50s, and has a long life ahead of her. If she finds someone new and marries, I'm know we will support her and be happy for her. It may be strange but it was also strange to no longer see Mom and Dad together, then to see them with new people (step parents) but we eventually got used to it. This will be similar. I firmly believe there's the family you're born with then there's the family you choose. She's the family we choose.

How you treat him and how he treats you depends on how you feel about your relationship.

If you have "family treasures" be sure they are mentioned in the will or you could loose them forever. My uncle-in-law threw away my father's WW11 diaries and family pictures and all kinds of similar family treasures because they were worthless (just junk) to him. In my opinion, its better to get the family treasures now and save them from the dump rather than figure your Step dad "will do the right thing" by your mom's kids.

Good luck to you and yours.

I would try to include him he is still family and he will be alone after your mom passes- remember you still wake up and live with your family he is watching his die and will soon wake up alone.

I would just ask. I know that my other parents have been around since I was a kid. Their blood families are my family. So bio parents gone would not change a thing.

I'm just confused you say there is tension from both sides but you still want him to be grandpa...you should really have a conversation with him, regarding the tension and future. He may be wondering the same thing, and because of the tension not sure how to approach it.

My thought (or question) is, how do you want it to turn out?

It sounds like you're not all gung-ho about ensuring that the relationship continues... I'd think if you wanted it to continue as it is now, with visiting and such, you could do that by making the effort to see him. Of course, I understand that if he pulls away, that would be difficult, but if he's willing and interested in maintaining a relationship with you and his grandkids, and if you're willing and interested in continuing your relationship with him, then you just do it. Phone calls, cards, occasional visits...

I guess it boils down to how much both ends want it, and I'm not faulting you at all if you decide to let things simmer down... but it is really about how much effort you put into making it happen. Of course only you can decide how you want things to be, and you'll have to feel him out about how he wants things to be... and then go from there...

I'm sorry I don't have any personal experience to draw from... these are just my thoughts on your question...

Best wishes... and my thoughts are with you during this difficult transition.

I haven't been in this situation, so I don't have experience to offer. My first reaction though is this - is he a good grandpa? Do your kids love him and think of him as a member of their family? If so, definitely keep him in your life as long as he is willing. They will be very happy to have a grandpa who cares for them and he will probably be happy to have the children to keep him feeling young.

As for Christmas, maybe you start a new tradition in your home. Invite family to come to you instead, including your stepfather, and see what happens.

So sorry about your mom. That must be incredibly hard for you.

.

It’s never easy being a kid of divorced parents. My parents divorced when I was a baby and my dad got remarried right away. When he passed away (more than 20 years ago) I still kept in touch with my step mom and still do now. I guess my situation is a little different being she has been a part of my life for so long. Now if my mom were to pass away, I think I would still keep in touch with my step father. I have also known him for most of my life and didn’t get along at all growing up. I figure he is family and I wouldn't want him to be all alone.

Since he is grandpa to your kids it would be very upsetting for him to all of a sudden be gone. You will all (and are) sad about your moms cancer and I think you may need each other when she passes. You could still consider him a friend. I don’t consider my step parents the same as my mom and dad.

I think this is something you can talk to him about. For example, if you think her passing would change Christmas, then address it when the time comes. If your kids see him as Grandpa, then encourage them to remember his birthday and send him their art, etc. Keep up the relationship they currently have and let him decide if he'll keep up his. For the short term, give him a break, though, because people can grieve in different ways an being quiet may just be his.

He can still be your friend. Maybe you can help each other through this tough time.

Haven't read any of the other answers. The one thing I would advise is that anything that your mom wants to bequeath to you and your siblings needs to be spelled out explicitly in her will. Your stepdad is young and could remarry. If she leaves everything to him, he could in turn leave everything to the new wife and HER children. Or he could lose it in a subsequent divorce. It happened to my sister's FIL. There is nothing like the disposition of a deceased relative's estate to shatter already tenuous family ties. I'm sure that will be a difficult subject to broach, but maybe it's one that a lawyer could discuss with your mom.

That's a tough call. I hope your Mom's estate/will is in order. I would think your stepdad would want memorable things to be distributed evenly between her children. I would also extend the olive branch to him to includine him in things and let him make the choice. I am sorry you are going through this. My friend's Mom passed and her stepfather has been a real creep. I sure hope you can cut that off at the pass ahead of time. Prayers and Hugs for you and your family.

I was pretty much in the same situation. My dad passed and my step mom and father never had children, she assumed we'd be the only children she ever had because my dad was "fixed" by the time they met and didn't want to raise anymore. I was 9 when she entered my life and her and I were close when I was younger. 2 weeks before my dad passed they both called me crying and made me promise I'd still be a part of her life after he was gone. I made and promise and I kept it. She lived 2 hours from me but I still went to see her periodically. The weird part is she and my dad's childhood friend fell in love beginning at the funeral. They both used each other's memories of my dad to comfort one another which led to them getting married. She is still a part of my life and my daughter's life however she is remarried and now has her husbands kids and family as her own now. They will always be married so now she has extra kids and there isn't a whole lot of pressure. she did however make it a point to stay close to me especially since my dad requested that I think. She loves my daughter as one of her grandkids but her new grandkids are definitely closer to her I think?

For you it may be easier to invite him to your house or your in-laws or other family members for the holidays or ask him to come and visit "the grandkids" as often as he likes. He sounds like he knew he could never be your "Real father" so he took the back seat and did the best he could by loving your mom and being there for you kids if you asked. I'd keep up the same initiative and I have a feeling he'll respond to that well. He's going to miss his wife and you kids are the link to her, her memories and their times together. he will want to talk about it when he's ready but eventually he will move on so be sure to remind him to never abandon your kids as they may not understand. Ok...I've said a lot but I hope it has given you more to think about or relate to at least.

Good luck!!! It's a very touchy situation I completely understand. :)

Hi N....this is such a difficult situation!

I really think it depends on the people. When my father passed away, there was no question that his wife would remain a big part of our lives, even though they had only been married 7 years. She's 'Grandma' to my girls, as well as my niece and nephew. My dad's been gone almost 14 years now.

We can't imagine our life without her, and she's a wonderful connection to my dad as well.

If she was a pain in the tush, I don't it would be the same.

The nice thing is that you have geography in your favor...that's a long drive. I'd suggest just giving it a try...you might be surprised how it helps you cope with the loss of your mom. But if it too much hassle, trust your gut and really limit your visits.

You'll know what to do when the time is right.

S.

I would still include him in everything you normally would. If he chooses to back off that would be his decision, but there's still grandkids, and like you said, he's the closest to being considered a father-figure.

God bless

I am so sorry you are going through this with your mom. Your concern isn't small. I used to work for hospice as a counselor and bereavement counseling was a part of the service. Sometimes these questions can be asked a bit more easily when a third person is there, ie family counseling. Sometimes it can be akward to ask these types of questions seemingly out of the blue. Is this a concern to your mother? Do you know if she is wondering what will happen to her husband?

I have seen all kinds of scenarios (all kinds!!) and making wishes known, hearing unexpressed wishes can be a relief to the person who is dying, especially when the person who is dying is the glue.

it really depends on your relationship. When my husband's father died, we completely cut his step mother off. She was a horrible person during their lives and we didn't want to deal with her anymore.

My Grandma's husband is pretty awesome, so we'll probably try to keep a relationship with him when she passes. He's been a part of our lives since I was old enough to know what was going on, I only have very vague memories of my Grandparents before she was married to him. He's a quiet man, but he's always been there for us when we needed him, much more so than my actual Grandpa, who hasn't seen my daughter since she was a year old.

It sounds to me like this would be a good subject to broach with your step-father before your Mom passes. Perhaps he is hesitant, because he feels he shouldn't push himself onto you children, but would actually be pleased to know that you care. This doesn't mean you have to have a father/daughter relationship, but you can still include him in family things and make him welcome. If it turns out that he really isn't all that interested and would rather you let him go his own way, at least you'll know and can deal accordingly.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. I have never been in this situation, but I think this is how I would handle it. I don't think I would drive 5 hours to spend Christmas with him, but I do think that I would stay in touch and invite him to any family gatherings. That way, you're not hurting his feelings and you will be able to tell whether he's interested in keeping the relationship with the family. I would imagine he would if he's been "grandpa" to the kids. I think it would also be great if you offered to meet somewhere in between your place and his maybe a couple of times per year so he can spend time with the grandkids, if he wants to.

Has you mom said anything like "Please go visit Joe now and then, he really cares about you guys"?
I know I would have probably still called and visited my stepdad now and then if he would have passed before my mom. I think your heart will tell you what to do. This is the last guy your mom loved, so you shouldnt just act like he never existed. He's got 15 years invested in the family and the kids call him "grandpa", he's gonna still be alive. He probably will find someone new and move on, but he may want to introduce you all as his family. Definitely something to consider and discuss with him. He made your mom happy, you'll just have to let your heart tell you what to do as time goes on. If he decides to vanish, that will be your answer.

Well, he will be widowed and alone. I am sure he would appreciate a visit and people who once called him family will continue to do so and not just leave him in the dust in his sorrow. It likely won't be the same kind of relationship as before or as often, but you all should make the effort to communicate. Contact may go down if he ever remarries. Which by the way, may not happen. My mom was widowed at 48 and ten years later she has never even gone on a date. not that she's never been asked, she just can't stand the thought of moving on.

I hear you. Except with us, it's my stepgrandmother and grandpa. My mom and I were just talking about this yesterday! My step grandma has been a wonderful grandparent to me and my sister, not such a great step parent to my mom and uncle. She too has been my grandma since all the grandkids were born. Apparently there are some pretty hard feelings, especially between my uncle and step grandma. If, something were to happen to granddad (and he is pretty frail) I would hope for the grandkids and great grandkids sake that she would still be included in on family functions. I know that I would keep in touch with her regardless of whether my mom or uncle did.

Now my grandma's husband (I refuse to call him a step grandparent), if anything happened to her we would drop him like a hot potato. Of course he has only been married to her for two years now, and really has no interest in anyone...other than himself of course. My daughter is only three and this is the ONLY person I have ever seen her be afraid of. So yeah, he would be gone.

So there you go, that's our situation. :)

It really varies by each family and their dynamics as well as individual members. It could go either way or somewhere in between. My dad remarried when I was not quite 11 months old. He and my stepmom were married for 25 years, she was in the room when my oldest was born. They have now been apart for 13 years (wow, has it really been that long?) but she is still "MomMom Pam" to my kids. I don't see her quite as often as her kids do but probably more than I see my dad. But, had I been grown when they got together, maybe I wouldn't still consider her my stepmom but she was there when I was a child (although never my mother figure).