When Do You Stop Giving Chances??? When Is Enough Enough?/

Hey S. Mom---Stay put---don't feel guilty---he is the one who roamed. You say you enjoy being alone and can do what you want as you want, and it won't be that way if you go back to him---it will be him doing what he wants when he wants!!!So I will repeat my self---STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!!!
Good Luck

Only go back if you LOVE him. You have to love who he is, what he is, what he does. If not, you will regret it later. He wasn't thinking of you when he left. If he had said he realized that he loves you more than her or anyone else, maybe, but sounds like he is just looking for an easier life.

I agree with others in taking it slow. However, I would recommend couseling. Even if you decide not to get back together, couseling will be able to help you be friends so that you can have a working relationship with him when it comes to the children. Nothing is worse for children than to see their parents not get along or to be able to work their parents against each other.

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N.

Because you are so young you have a lot of time to find a man you can trust. Find a man that treats you like a princess almost 24/7. They are out there. My sister found one & so has one of my friends.

I do not give faith based advise. I have worked in mental health & counseling for about 15 years. I have seen & heard & experienced many dysfunctional relationships. You are 27 with a lot of time! In each sad story the woman almost always got the bad end of the deal. Women are very caring by female nature(motherly you can say). Women will try to excuse a lot of unfair & inappropriate actions by men they love. The men benefit from the deal.

First do 2 things for you, 1. get a parental agreement (& child support) ruling in family court! Have the support money garnished (taken out before & sent to you) from his pay. My sister had a child when in high school & we got this for her & we were always very happy we did. It worked very well. Her daughter is 21 now & it came to her every place they moved to , including CA. & NY! He tried to end it & the court said no twice. It ends when the child turns 18.

2. Go to counseling & find out why you try to ignore or why you tolerate not being treated with respect by men. I am not criticising you. I had to do this myself & I am a counselor! It has to do with the way you grew up & what you saw & took in as a child. This step is VERY important so you do not waste one more year with that guy & you do not pick another like him. Enough is enough, like you said.

Remember that your kids are learning from you. Your daughter is learning what to put up with & what not to put up with. You want her to find someone that treats her like a princess, right? Your son is learning how to treat a future wife. If he sees you put up with disrespectful actions then he will grow thinking that his wife should & act that way toward her. Believe me because I lived it!

You are young so make goals & personally become someone wonderful!! Become smart & confident & the rest will follow. You will learn that you are not dependent on a man--but it will be great to find a new guy that treats you like you are the greatest person in his life. A man that ALWAYS makes you feel secure. I have seen it happen!!

Here's the ultimate question you need to answer:

Would you want your daughter to settle for a man like this, a man who is so disrespectful to have the wandering eye and be with another woman, a man who makes her feel terrible, a man she would only be with because she feels badly about his situation (that, because of his actions, he chose his hardships)?

If that kind of man is not good enough for your daughter then clearly he should not be good enough for you either.

OK, don't take this wrong but I think (in my unprofessional opinion) that you know you don't want to go back and maybe you are looking for validation from others so you won't feel bad that you don't want to go back. It sounds to me like you are doing quite well on your own and if there were no children involved you wouldn't even have a thought one in your head about going back. The reason I say this, not once in your question did you say anything to the effect of "i love him" or "i miss him" or "he is so wonderful otherwise". You basically said you love all five children and miss the ones you are no longer with. Offer to take visitation with the other girls (will help him out some) and even if you decide to give it a second chance you don't have to move back right now. You can go on a date a week with him. Tell him in the next year while you complete your lease you can get to know eachother again. This way you can decide if it is truely the right thing for you. Independence is powerful and if he thinks he can do what he wants and get you back he will surely do it again. I hate to see a family break up but I hate much worse to see a family live in turmoil. Your daughter will thank you when she is older and is able to take care of herself because her mom was able to.

I am going to be blunt too, but you asked for opinions, and here is mine:

You would be a fool to take him back! He left you for another woman. HELLO?? Why would you want him back?? Trust me: he only wants you back because it didn't work with the other girl. If it had worked out he would still be with her, not you!

You said you like your life now, your freedom. Why give that up? What happens the next time another girl comes along that he likes? How many times are you going to rip your kids from one house to another? Your kids need stability. He is a grown man and he decided to leave you. He has to pay the price for that. He can take care of his own kids. You are taking care of yours just fine without him.

If he did it to you once, he WILL do it again. You said you had both had enough. Your relationship could not have been good. Go find a man that will treasure you and your kids. There is a man out there that will love you and would never leave you for another woman. If you go back to your ex then you will miss out on possibly meeting the right man for you. Leave the past in the past and keep getting on with your life.

Good luck and God bless. YES I said it: GOD BLESS!
Your eyes and heart might not be open to God, but he is always taking care of you and always loving you.

*this is going to be a bit direct...*

Please do not let him guilt you into taking him back or doing stuff he wants/needs you to do. He's a "big boy" and needs to learn to do things for himself. I already think you're being way too generous helping him with bills and other work stuff.

Also realize that kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. Getting back together with him is a recipe for disaster (at least right now). He's come back to you after the fling went bust, and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior (if he did it once, he'll do it again). Don't let yourself get put back in that situation - and don't put the kids in a position of having to endure all the drama a second time.

You're out, you're making it work...boo-hoo it's h*** o* him being a S. father. You're a S. mother - does that make it anymore difficult on you?? The kids should know that you love them and that daddy loves them, but someitmes people (grown ups) figure out that maybe they get along better when they are apart - it's a grown-up decision and the kids should know it wasn't their fault and had nothing to do with them or anything they did or didn't do (kids have a funny way of making things their fault.

There is no harm in "thinking about it" or "considering it", and doing so means you're human. However, you're definitely doing the right thing by staying apart, at least for the time being. I wouldn't consider getting back together until a reasonable time has passed for him to realize he can do this on his own too. Once both of you are on your own two feet individually, then you can consider the possibility of whether or not you should get back together.

Just my thoughts for what it's worth....and good luck!

S., if you are happier on your own stay on your own. I left my ex after years of wanting to leave. He begged and begged for me to come back and I am so glad I never did. It is so good to hear though that you guys have a friendly relationship that is whats best for the kids. But you said that it was decided when he found something that caught his eye, I would be wary about that. If you did decide to go back what would be that chance that something wouldnt catch his eye again. Follow your heart with out him in your ear.
Good luck! C.

my only advice would be to think about how you feel about him, just him when you are not around him. How do you feel about your relationship with him? Trust me kids are better off when their parents are happy, not just when their parents are together. So think about what makes you happy!!

Good luck and God bless (i know, i know, but I will still say a prayer for you because well we could all benefit from someone praying for us from time to time),

Mel

You need to look at why you feel better about living on your own. What do you enjoy now that you could not or did not before? How important is that to you? Make a list of all the things you want to do, things you've done, how you've felt. Write it all down in a journal.

Think about all the ways you felt that made you sad or made you want to leave before. Write out the things that happened and how you felt about them.

What effect do the good and bad things have on your mindset, goals, self-image, confidence? What effect do these things have on your children? What effect do these things have on your relationships with those at work and friendships?

Journal about these things for a few days or maybe a couple weeks. Talk about it with a close friend, family member or find a family counselor. Sometimes when you can read the imformation and obtain other's viewpoints it helps to put the situation in perspective.

Sounds like to me you have already made up your mind. Have you thought about getting a piece of paper and weighing the pros against the cons? If you are getting back with him just for the girls it is for the wrong reason.

Good Luck

It really sounds to me that the only reason that you would go back to your now ex is to be there for the girls. That would be the wrong move. If you aren't in love with him anymore then there isn't any point to move back in. You can be there for the girls without living with them. Alternate weekends where the kids are all with you to give him a break and then the next weekend it is your turn. Don't feel guilty. It was his choice to find out if he wanted to be with someone else. Don't take him back because then you will end up in a rut where he thinks that it will be ok to "see if it will work with someone else" because of the kids you will always come back if it doesn't work. Don't put yourself or your kids in that sort of situation. Stay where you are and move on. You deserve better!!! Good luck to you!!

Never once did you say you love him. I think there's your answer. If you don't love him, why go back to him and cause more confusion for the kids? Getting back together for the kids is just wrong. In the long run, you'll end up separated again, and the kids will have to relive all of this. Stick to your guns. Take care of yourself and your 2 goods. Spend what time with the other 3, that you can. Maybe have them spend the night or an afternoon baking cookies, watching a movie with you, etc. I wish you much luck with your situation.

I know how hard it is to not be with someone you are raising children with, but your answer seems to lie in what you wrote. You said he makes you feel terrible and that you somehow feel guilty when he's the one who strayed. It seems like you took control of your life, so why give that up now? I know how someone can promise things will be different, but in my experience they never are. And set an example for your children by having enough respect for yourself to demand what you deserve.

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In my humble opinion you should listen to your heart.
What do YOU want?
You sound pretty comfortable with the choices you recently made.

I am saying this since I was in a marriage and did not feel happy. Not unhappy but definitely not happy either. I made the decision to leave and it was the best i ever did. Your kids have so much more if they have a happy divorced mom than an unhappy mom who is staying in the relationship for the kids....

Just my 2 cents

You sound like a very level headed smart lady! It takes a lot of courage to get things set up as fast as you did! Congrats on your already successful decisions!

I think you should stay separated. Like many before me noticed, you did not say that you loved him, which means that it is over. Although if you feel that you need to try, I would seek the advice of a counselor. You don't know what this is doing to your kids, especially if you decide to be on again off again. You might want to get some help for all of you just so you don't regret it.

On a side note - there is nothing wrong with helping each other while you are separated. If you can have a great relationship with him by living separately that is awesome! There are many couples that live together miserably. Just don't lose sight that your number one priority is your kids, but your kids can't be happy if you aren't happy.

Good luck! Your choice will be the right choice.

It sounds like you want someone to say "You are happy, don't go back" and "enough is enough." So, if you are happy don't go back. Guilt is not a good foundation for a relationship and he might be willing to give you up again when yet another pretty thing catches his eye. Can you see the children somehow even if you aren't with him? Enough is enough. It isn't good for any of you to go back and forth. Stick with your decision. Remember why you did it in the first place. Good luck!

If he wants to work things out, then I think you both need to go to a counselor and try to do so. THEN you can address some of the "he makes me feel terrible" issues. YOu DO need to keep the kids in mind.....ABOVE your own wants and desires. Obviously, he wasn't doing that when he decided to "try on a new pair of shoes".

YOu said not to mention church, but I'm going to anyway. Being a Christian is NOT just about going to church. It's a WAY OF LIFE. Yes, praying is a big part of that, but the changes are in the heart and mind. I highly recommend you find a church that has a class for married couples like ours does called....Married For Keeps.

Many times it's helpful to talk w/ other couples who deal with the same or similar things and how to deal with them and OVERCOME them.

It's not just about number of chances.......rather it's about the CHANGES. Sometimes changes are NOT as easy as flipping a switch, but rather a process and progress. If he's really trying and falls back into old bad behavior occasionally, it's different than continuing in the bad behavior continually and not making an effort.

In the meantime, maybe this is a test to increase your level of patience. WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE DO THE TWO OF YOU WANT TO GIVE THE KIDS???

Well, noone said that getting back together means you have to move in right from the start. If I were in your situation, I would take it slow, and force him to respect your wishes. If you jump right in, chances are as soon as you're there, his feelings for you will go back to how they were before. I would make him wait for you and hope that in the meantime he'll see his true feelings for you, and just how much you mean to him. HOpefully in the future, his love for you would keep him from getting sidetracked. He obviously took you for granted, but going back so quickly will defeat the purpose of trying to let him see that the grass really is NOT greener. The best thing in life is family, but sometimes I think it takes guys a while to figure that out. They still thrive on attention, which gets them in trouble.

First of all, it sounds like you already know what you want as far as your relationship. I didn't see you list a reason why you'd want to get back together with him. ('For the kids' doesn't count.) If there are reasons why you might want to try again, then try dating for a while and see what happens. Make a list of things you expect in a husband, and don't settle for less. My husband and I got back together about a year ago, and things are working but it's been tough to get through some of our issues. I do wish I'd waited a little while and made him prove himself BEFORE I let him back in.

Also, about the other girls: if you and your husband have custody of them, couldn't you work out an arrangement to share the responsibility of caring for them?

Bottom line: you need to realize that you deserve to have just what you want. You need to make sure he is good enough for you. Don't let him guilt you into settling for less.

Also, I know you don't want to hear it so I didn't include it in my answer, but God does care about each of us and will show us the way if we truly seek Him. I'm finding that out right now.

I think you answered your own question near the end of your post. "He makes me feel terrible..." I believe it is not good, or healthy, for kids to see their parents (guardians) in an unhealthy relationship. They know when things aren't going well, even though there may be no outward signs you are aware of. This can cause confusion and other emotional issues in the kids. My opinion is that the best thing for children is a stable, happy, loving home. Whether that is with 2 parents or just one, it doesn't matter.

Whether or not getting back together is a good idea for the two of you, only the two of you can decide. Personally, I'd date him and see how it goes. That being said, get the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray. This is an older book, but so well worth reading and having him read. My husband and I have been together many, many years and I attribute our ability to work through the difficult times in great part to that book. It helped me understand much of his behavior and allowed me to help him understand much of mine. And even if you don't work things out with your husband, having read this book, you will be better off in any future relationships.

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

What happens when another piece of eye candy comes along?

You can't feel bad- those are his other kids.

Move on and start dating someone else who wouldn't dream of having "enough" with you. Someone else wouldl ove to be with you and your girls- when you are ready for that.

BUT NOOOOO!

Be strong! And write a list of wants- don't wants- and list all about him. I bet you shouldn't be with him. Write ways that you are better with him, and being without him- how are you better- ......then look t over. It should be very clear to you. Besides- most times we should not go backwards. Move foward and find a hobby. Keep strolling along enjoyig life, and letting him see his kids.

LIFE IS GOOD! DO NOT SETTLE!

God Bless!

Angie

Hello. It sounds like there are alot of different levels here. A) you didn't mention how much your missed or loved him; which is either you thought it was obvious & didn't need mentioned, or you aren't sure how you feel about him. B) you are pretty young to take on the load of 5 children (we are the same age and I have four...2 not by birth). C) He makes you feel terrible?!?! Does he give you guilt trips b.c he has to take responsibility!? Not to be rude, but does he miss his wife or his maid/nanny!
I personally would suggest some individual counseling with someone to help you sort out your feelings without involving him. If you decide to go back to your husband, I would seriously "date" prior to moving back in. And definatly don't up and quit your job so that in 6 months you are on the street and jobless again. Also, you are enjoying being S.; did you ever experience being a S. adult prior to getting married? We all go through 'mid-life crisis' at some point and not always at 40 or 50. You might need some good ol' fashioned girl time with some buds. Best of Luck & I hope it works out for you.

It's a control issue for him! Don't go back! It only will get worse. Cut the ties and do less for him. Force him to stand on his own two feet. There are agencies out there that will help him. Tell him to GROW UP! Keep on going, don't look back. Ask him to allow you to have "girl times" and have the girls over a day or so at a time.

If you think there is a chance,take it slow. Start dating again. Don't make any drastic decisions (like moving back) until you are sure. Trust your instincts, listen to the little voice in your head and make sure YOU will be happy. You will find the answer. Try not to let the kids know you might be getting back together until you know.

It sounds like you made the right decision the first time. Your happiness will effect your children. If this individual makes you feel terrible, that will also effect your children. You stated you feel bad because he has a lot to do. Well, you also have a lot to do with taking care of yourself and your two children. You also have to work, pay bills and make sure everyone eats, baths, etc. Why are you giving him so much slack? It also sounds like you two split up with the children's best interests in mind. All children involved get to see the other "parent" as much as possible. From an outsiders point of view and based on what you wrote above, it sounds like the correct decision has been made. Maybe wait a few more months and figure out if it is him that you miss or if it is the idea of him and these 3 other children. If it is not him, you deserve the chance to find that "him". Good luck on your decision.

Go to counseling, be it a support group or a one on one. The area you live in will have something affordable or free if needed. I think sometimes we as moms make sacrifices for our children. This cheating thing took your trust away. You were working you butt off, to provide a loving warm home, caring for 5 children, and he ran after the first skirt he saw walk by. He's a loser, and not to be trusted by you again. Again I say if you want this man back, (doesn't sound like it), go to couseling. Let him know your mad, he hurt you, and you are happy without him. Then if he still wants to work on your terms , make him work. Be it in trust or family matters, make him work. I think it is possible for you to learn what you want out of life, and work hard to have it. If going to church with him , so he can see your values will help, by all means do it. Remember when you believe in God, and you have nothing left in this world, you still have everything. Believing in god doesnt't make you a rug to be walked on, draw upon your strength as a woman and do what you need to do. Best of luck, and Merry Christmas to you and all of your children.

My advice...stay on your own. I read your post and nowhere saw that you were in love with him. Sounds like you are trying to "do what is best" and not thinking about yourself. Many women are very successful as S. moms and sounds like you are doing a GREAT job! Let him figure things out for himself and move on. Hope my 2-cents helps!

In my opionion you are happier now and your kids need to see that happiness is also part of life, not just one huge responsibility. You said you both wanted out...so him no longer being with this other woman will not solve everything, and what happens when another one catches his eye...he will do it again. Once a cheater always a cheater. There is no reason you cant still see or have the other 3 children inyour life and you can still help him, but as a friend. If you are seriously thinking of taking him back, date first give him time to prove you are who he wants to be with. Don't jump just because he asks you too...your kids will base their relatioships off how they see their parents growing up...no man is worth jeprodizing that.
Good luck.

In all that you wrote explaining why you want to return, you never mentioned your feelings for him. I strongly believe, regardless of other obligations or shared interests (like kids), the main reason a couple should stay together is their love and committment to one another. It doesn't sound like from your post that you have strong feelings for him, and his committment to you sounds questionable. I think it is best for your children to see you as a healthy respected person and that may mean not returning to your husband.

Try going to counseling together before you make a decision. Going out on dates is also a good idea. Find out from him what is going to be different this time, and tell him how he makes you feel and what you need from him. Staying together "for the children" is not a good reason if there is constant fighting and they see you being miserable. However if you both love each other and want to find a way to make your marriage work, your children will benefit from seeing your love and commitment to each other.

Enough is enough. If he has three other children, he has already burned his bridges with other women before you. Do you really think he can change after all these years of failing in relationships? He won't and he can't! Even the "other woman" didn't want to bother with him for very long. Why would you?

I had a friend in the same situation. She took her husband back after he moved out to be with another woman and a few years later they were back in divorce court. The second time she stuck to her guns and they ended it. After the divorce, she met a wonderful guy who she is now married to and they are raising their blended family together. Her kids are much happier with stability in their lives. Her only regret was wasting the extra years trying to make it work after her husband initially moved out. You are not doing your kids any favors by sticking around for their sake.

If you still want to be involved with your ex-step children that is great. I'm sure they would love to visit with you and your kids and have that support and love in their lives. Ending a relationship with a husband does not mean you end it with his children, especially if you are very close.

Good luck!

Not once did you say you loved him or missed him or had feelings for him still that were even confused. You talked about how you were happy on your own and missed his girls. That says a lot to me.

But if your relation has gotten physical again (i'm not judging...life is complicated) you may want to consider if there is anything there. Before I would even consider getting back together in the same home, date a while. Sounds like you are in a good spot for now...just date...search your feelings. If you think there is something there after a few months to six months then I'd seach counciling...family and couples.

Just because you don't hate him or want nothing to do with him doesn't mean you should be together. Maybe your just good friends or good parents but not good partners. But then again maybe not. I do believe families should try to be together.

To me it sounds like you have already decided. We tend to get stuck in ruts because of children and situations and sometimes tend to think "this is as good as it gets". I used to be like that, but then finally moved on and have found happiness I have never known in my life before. it takes courage and it's hard, but so worth it.

If you do continue on i would take it VERY slow. Counselling is probably a good idea too. Sorry I don't have more adivce for you, but it is just too hard to tell with limited information. I would enforce child support and things like that for sure. even if things work out down the road you can go to court and change the orders, but it's better and easier to get that in place now incase things don't improve.

Chances?? You sound like you have your life together and are happy with where it is going. It also sounds like your are enjoying some kind of freedom that you did not have before. I know several woman that have remained in and are currently remaining in relationships for the sake of their children and the children are the ones that are suffering the most. I also have two friends that are divorced and have a friendly relationship with their exes where the children are the first priority. And they are all happy. Ask yourself if you really love this man. Why were you making plans to leave this relationship before he went elsewhere?

It sounds like he may have been controlling? Was he monitoring your every call and where you were at every monment in time? If so this is signs of a potentially abusive individual. If you wish to rekindle this relationship do so slowly. Take the appropriate steps and seek some kind of qualified counseling. There is no reason (unless he is opposed to it or you are putting yourself in harms way) that you can not remain in contact and be a positive influence on his girls. Children will thrive in an environment where they feel loved and protected even if this means mommy and daddy don't live together. Forgiveness is one thing, your childrens happiness and saftey is another. Their happiness is dependent upon your happiness and if you where not happy in the relationship don't let yourself be guilted into re-entering this relationship as is was. If you honestly beleive that you will not BOTH (I an stessing both) be able to work together. Then let him know this.

I dated a man for years and stuck with the relationship alot longer than I should have because I had invested so much of my time and myself into it. However when I caught him in bed with someone else for second time it was over. I knew that he was not going to change and no hoping or praying was going to change him.

I now have a wonderful husband and we cherish and honor each other and I feel that evey person is entitled to this. If you cannot both give this to each other than think twice. Relationships require work for both people involved. You alone cannot make the relationship work and you may ultimately be better friends and better parents apart. I beleive in God and I consider myself a Christian. However sometimes God works in mysterious ways and his refusal to answer a prayer may be God's way of saying this was not ment to be and to move on.

And even if you do forgive him it does not mean you have to re-enter the relationship to do so.