Mom Doesn't like Boyfriend's Family - Need Help

Your mom cannot and should not depend on you for her social life. I understand how you feel, being an only child myself, my mom acted similar. But you deserve to have a life of your own, you deserve to be happy and I don't feel as adult children we owe our parents our whole lives and future.

Mom is going to have to act like the adult she is and accept this. Keep inviting her, that's all you can do. I know us telling you not to feel guilty will not make those feelings go away. But if she is playing these emotional blackmail games then you should realize what she is doing and maybe confront her with it. It shouldn't "hurt her" when you want to be with this man, that's just ridiculous. She is saying these things exactly to make you feel awful and guilty in the hope you will feel bad enough to drop him and run back to her. She is making you choose. Well, that's what she wants you to do. She wants you to choose her so she knows that you love her more than anything else in the world.

You know, the only thing you can really do is tell her you do love her with all of your heart, but you also love him and you deserve to be happy. Ask her if she wants you to be all alone when she is gone? Will that make her happy? Because that is what will end up happening if you make her the center of your world.

I suspect your mom would not like anyone you date or their family so don't give up on the relationship because of her.

Continue to invite her but don't make a big deal out of her deciding not to attend or when she whines about it. Don't tell her things like "You make me feel like I have to choose" because that is what she wants, for you to choose her. Just be matter of fact when she whines about you doing things with her. Respond with simple non-emotional statements like, "Well you have the power to decide to come or not. It has nothing to do with me." And be done with it.

Then sit down with her and find some classes through community education that you and she can take together. Encourage any hobbies or volunteer work she might enjoy. Have one evening or day each week that you schedule one-on-one time with her. Ask her about her activities and friends and avoid a lot of talk about your life or boyfriend. Just like a parent starts to encourage and teach independence in their children as they reach certain milestones, you are going to need to teach and encourage her to have independence in her social life as you both enter this new stage in life.

This is what is called a co-dependent relationship. You are appropriately living your own life but feeling that you need to also make your mother happy. You will have to choose. Stay with your mother and continue to allow her to expect you to make her happy. Or, let go of the need to make her happy and build a happy life for yourself. There is no in between. Making that break is painful and will take time.

I suggest that you do some reading about co-dependence and begin therapy/counseling for yourself. You cannot do anything for your mother. She has to decide to let you go or not. If she continues to insist that you do what she wants she will be unhappy but her happiness is not your responsibility. Your own happiness is your responsibility. She is responsible for her own happiness.

This is a common situation. I began counseling in my early 30s because I was unhappy. I learned that although I thought I was responsible for other people I was not. It was not my fault when others were displeased with me. It was not my responsibility to change. I started counseling thinking that I could learn how to make people happy. I felt responsible for my mother's happiness as well as the happiness of the men that I dated. When a relationship didn't work out I thought I needed to change so that we could stay together. I didn't understand that all relationships are the responsibility of the two people involved. My mother could chose to be happy with the way I am or not. It was her decision.

Wanting to be with your boyfriend and involved with his family is a normal way to feel. Your mother wanting you to stop being involved with them is not a normal way to feel. You need to decide on how your relationship develops based on what you need. It's your mother's responsibility to accept your decisions now that you're an adult.

You cannot change your mother. You cannot make her happy. If it weren't this boyfriend, it would be the next one. You can change the way you feel about wanting to make your mother happy. You are an adult. Your mother is an adult. Each of you need to be independent individuals. This means that you don't need each other but that you enjoy being with each other.

I agree with Laurie D's suggestion about ways in which you can relate to your mother in a healthy way. You still love her and want her to be happy. There are some things that you can do that will create happiness for both you.

If you love this man and he treats you well, then Mom is just going to have to learn to live with it. It's tough, but she will survive. Once she sees that she can still be important to you and a part of your life, she will learn to cope.
Don't give up your happiness, it is too hard to find. Mom's issues are hers, and she will have to deal with them.

I know how you feel. Your mom has had you all to herself for so long, and family was just the two of you. It's hard to share you with another family. It sounds like she thinks she will be losing you if she gives her consent to this relationship. I know it sounds hard to do, but you have to be happy too. If she rased you with love ( and it sounds like that) then she has to let you be happy. You should talk to her and let her know you have more then enough love for both familys. Because she taught you how to share your love. It may take some time, but you do have to be happy. And when and if you have children there will be so much more love for her to share in.
Good luck to you, and be happy.

Your mother is not only frightened of being alone, but she hasn't had to share you with anyone who might take you away from her. This would be difficult for a single mother to have to "give up" or "share" her only child.

I would suggest that you and your mother go to counseling to help her become more secure and prepared to have a life without you being there all the time. If that goes well, perhaps you can have your boyfriend be part of the counseling so that he and your mother can get to know and understand each other better.

I think you should move ahead with this relationship; there is no reason to put your life on hold for your mother.

Has she always been clingy? Has she raised you to be dependent on her? Is she dependent on you? Are you still living at home? Are you financially dependent on her?

You are 33 years old, and a full-fledged adult. If for some reason you haven't been behaving like one (living at home and/or financially dependent), then those are things to address now, rather than later.

I'm sorry your mother is being so difficult. It does sound like she doesn't want to let you go. Stay calm, keep inviting her, and just shrug your shoulders if she keeps saying no. Don't get drawn in to her dramas. And don't feel guilty for spending time with your boyfriend! You deserve it.

Ugh. Tell your mom she is your mom and there will always be a special place for her in your heart. Tell her you know she feels vunerable but there is no reason to? Do you know the true reason your not close to your other relatives maybe something happend and she is afraid of whatever happened happening again with the relationship between the two of you.
Maybe she if she is interested in volunteer work so she has something else to do. good luck

If you feel as if this person is your future husband, then that says that you are prepared to make wedding vows to him... One of those vows is to let no one come between you. On a certain level, I think you need to decide whether you could uphold that vow: could you let no one come between you and him, including your mother? If you're not sure, then this could be an issue that could wreck havoc on your future/potential marriage. I suspect once you clearly communicate (without guilt or tears) that he is your priority, that you are committed to make your relationship work, that she will have to accept reality. She and you also may need a little space, especially if she's prone to manipulate.

(I think it speaks volumes that he and his family tries to include her in events. That is very considerate... a very loving family.)

Admittedly, our family lives 6 1/2 and 8 hours away from us, respectively, but we are in the same boat. My in-laws don't particularly like my mom and my mom doesn't particularly like my in-laws (my dad is super easygoing and gets along with anyone). So...when we have birthdays, we have a week or two of guests. When we have a baptism, all our sibs stay at our house (THEY like each other) and our parents hotel it. Over Christmas, we (along with our two small children) drive hours and hours and hours to accommodate everyone (the number's in the 40's). We sometimes spent Thanksgiving and Easter at family's house, sometimes they come here, and sometimes we just have our family, all of which is fine with us. Anyway--yes it's irritating, especially because I want to scream GROW UP ALREADY AND PLAY NICE, but I know it stems from jealousy and the desire to hang on. And, admittedly, this is not too difficult because they ARE far away--but by the same token, when we DO want them together, it's for a long time and in very close proximity, not just for a few hours. Perhaps you could talk to your inlaws? Are they more understanding? Or perhaps telling your mom that this is probably your future, and you'd really like her to be a part of it with you? I understand the mom-not-letting-go thing, but perhaps acknowledging it would at least help her feel understood? Good luck--it's not the greatest situation, but you're also not completely alone in that boat!

It sounds like your mom needs to expand her social circle, but I'm sure you knew this already. Does she attend church? Do you think she would like to join a book club or maybe take a cooking or art class? Maybe there's something special that the two of you can do together each week that can become your special thing -- your weekly standing date. Your mom may feel more secure about the shifting relationship between the two of you if she knows that you still have your own special thing going on.

Sometimes when we get involved in a romantic relationship, us women start spending all of our time with our boyfriend and abruptly stop hanging out or calling our girlfriends or other family members. I'm not saying that you are doing this but I know that I've been guilty as charged and I have a couple of girlfriends that I rarely hear from except for when they are in between boyfriends. Just something for you to consider . . .

If you are living with your boyfriend already or if you have your own place right now, then you may want to consider designating Sunday (for example) as your special family dinner night - a night each week for you, your mother, your boyfriend (and possibly his family) to get together and break bread together and share some laughs and fun memories. Routines and rituals can be very soothing for the soul and I hope that this weekly get together will help make your mother feel that she is not losing you but gaining so much more by being including in this new family tradition that you have started. Or, if you are not a cook, maybe you can host a family game night and everyone can bring something to contribute to the potluck.

I don't know if these ideas would work for you but I'm just trying to throw a couple of possibilities out there to help your mom feel more included and comforted by what's going on in your lives and with your new relationship. Of course, whether or not your mom starts to warm up to the idea of having more of an extended family, please remember that it is perfect and right for you to fall in love and start a new family of your own. Hopefully your mom will come around in time but, if not, then always speak to her with love and reassurance like you have been doing, but stay true to your heart and don't sacrafice your future because of your mom's own insecurities.

Wishing all the best for you and your family.

Apparently your mom has given you roots, but she is reluctant to give you wings as well.
Try doing things with her and your boyfriend to draw them together into a better relationship.
Good luck.

To some degree my dad manipulated my life with guilt and I went along with what he wanted. Here are two instances that I wish I could take back:

1. I had always dreamed of traveling and being an actress. After college I went to Europe for 4 months to stay with my boyfriend who was over there for work. My dad made me feel like I was wasting my life and needed to get back to the states. So I came home. I think back and realize I will never ever get another chance to live in Europe the way I did and wish that I had stayed. He was happy I came home, but I was not.

2. When I came back from Europe I decided to move 8 hours away to Chicago to try my hand at modeling and print work. It was the perfect time in my life to do that because I was not married and had no kids. It was just me with no one to answer to. My boyfriend was still in Europe. I was getting jobs here and there and kind of making my way. It was hard but I loved it. My dad wanted me to come home and use my degree and said I was wasting my time and it takes years to make it in the business and there is no guarantee. Well he wore me down and after 6 months I came home. He was happy, but I wasn't.

I am married to my boyfriend that I visited in Europe and we have two beautfiul little daughters. I regret that I didn't stay in Europe and soak it all in with my then boyfriend. I regret that I didn't stay in Chicago and give the acting/modeling thing a full chance. I can never just get up and go now.

My situation is a little different, but the point is - We were born to lead our own lives not our parents lives. Does your mom want you to be with her forever and never include anyone else? All you can do is continue to love her, but you need to live your own life. You say she cries when you tell her how you feel? Her goal is to get your boyfriend and family out of your life, and for you to feel sorry for her and agree with her. You cannot please her in this instance. You are going through your natural progression of your life. Tell her that one day she'll have grandkids running to her and giving her hugs and kisses.

You should never allow anyone (not even a parent) make you feel guilty for living your life.

unfortunately, I'm not sure there is much you can do about it. If he makes you happy, your mom will just have to come to realize this is what's best for you, whether she likes it or not. I'm sure given time, she'll come around. I mean, you are 33 years old - it's time she realizes that you'll eventually want to start a family of your own, and that means finding a good man. Have you tried to sit down and talk with her about why she feels the way she does, and telling her that she's hurting you by making you choose between having a happy life, and a miserable mother? i don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe it's time for your mother to grow up a bit, and just get over it. you've been with the guy for a year now, you'd think she'd realize he's what makes you happy, and that she'd be happy for you.

Don't give up your happiness. If you dontinue to invite her to joint events then let her decline and don't take it personally. Know that the issue is hers and not yours. Spend time with her, give her the attention she desires but avoid talking about your boyfriend and his family. It's unfortunate but you most likely will need to keep these two parts of your life seperate for the most part. Just remember to have boundries. Don't give up your life and your happiness for your mom. Don't let her talk you into feeling guilty. Just love her for who she is in your life.

As for lying and making up excuses for her not attending, stop doing that. Let your boyfriend know that your mom probably isn't going to come around to seeing things your way and most likely won't be involved with his family. Let him tell his family if they need an explanation.

Good luck.

Tell your mother how much you love her. Tell you you appreciate your closeness and relationship but explain that you need a life outside of the relationship too. Tell her your feeling and appreciation for her will not change or be any different. Tell her to be open to other freindships/relationships and she will be much more fullfilled and happy in life. Also, if she really loves you, she should be happy if you are happy.And, last of all, maybe a little counseling for her or the two of you together will be an option. Sometimes just having a third person look at both sides unbiased and then their opinion will see both of your sides and explain to you how and why she feels this way.
Good luck to both of you and God bless. (also, sometimes when we need a little extra guidance, prayers can help!)

Has you family evey had a pet, like a dog or cat? Maybe your mom, if can handle it and the costs involved could get a housebroken dog there is great need for good families to adopt them. Depending on her age, the pet's life expectancy should be considered, and the what ifs if she could no longer take of the pet or vice a versa.

We have the opposite problem! Our young daughter also an only child, now turning 10 refuses to do sleepovers at even her best friends house if conditions are not just right. She will go on a camp-out only if one of us are present. The only promising thing was when her entire class went to an overnight camp-out at a Zoo which was the only great relief ,she could do that. We are older parents and know we will not be around for Her for ever. If we are lucky we will be around for her 35th or 40th birthday!
We hope she finds a suitable husband and has a family at least by her 27th birthday would be a miracle in itself. It sound like you are the parent and she is the "child". Therapy could help but is all a matter of her facing reality. Does she want you to not move forward with your life till she dies?
Ask her maybe how she would feel if you were yourself all alone if when she passes away someday. Would not she prefer your being with a spouse and settling down and less dependent on each other. My mother is in her 80's and insists on living alone! Though I know she would like it if I stayed with her. What am I supposed to do! Leave my spouse for a few years and my chlid who needs me. What I am trying to say this does not simply end. But her occupying her time with hobbies, knitting, playing cards with others her age, getting a pet all could help. Maybe she needs to take for awhile anti-anxiety medicine to help her struggle to get over it. She should love the freedom of not having to baby you! Her time to be her own being it must feel like being a teen or 20-30 year old for parents, then. What better than that! She is lucky to have had you!

You only have one life to live, live it with the one you love, Mother will get over it in time, she will always love you and she might find a new life of her own after your gone. Assure her you will always love her, but that you are an adult now and want to move on with your life with the man you love. Ask her to bless you, ask her to still love you, as a woman who wishes to be with the man she loves.......good luck....:)

Yes, it does sound like she is scared to be alone. She probably feels like she is being replaced with the man. Step children often feel this way when a new parent is introduced into the home. I would tell a step child that daddy is a very special person and has enough love for everyone. I think that this is the same philosophy that you need to use for your mother but different wording. Somehow you need to get this across to her. Being alone is scary!! Does she have any man friends? Maybe she needs a companion.

To be blunt, it sounds like your mom could benefit from therapy. If you can't talk her into seeing a traditional therapist, is there a clergy person or someone she could talk to about this? It almost sounds like she could be a little depressed. She definitely needs to expand her social circle beyond you and your boyfriend and his family. Good luck!