What Do You Think? - Lincoln,NE

Updated on May 14, 2010
F.M. asks from Lincoln, NE
31 answers

I know this is going to raise a lot of responses, so here is my question.
I work with a girl whose friend just lost their baby at 38 weeks. They have another friend who just had a baby and is about 5 weeks old. They want to bring their newborn baby to the funeral and even went as far as calling her friend that just lost their baby if it would be ok if they brought him. Now I totally DISAGREE!!
In my opinion, this is not about you, it is about showing support for your friend whose baby just DIED..why would you even go there?
I realize that life goes on and I realize that these young parents are going to be faced with the fact that they will run into families with newborn babies all the time, but come on, really? For the time being, can't you have someone watch your baby while you go show support to your friend w-out bringing your newborn? Do you know how devastated I would feel if I were in these parents shoes?
Please, share your thoughts! And I know everyone will have a different opinion so please be honest! Thank you.

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So What Happened?

Thanks everyone for all your feedback! Very interesting how some of us have different opinions on this. Well, she has decided NOT TO BRING her newborn (thank god) to the funeral, which I think is a very wise decision.
I am just very glad that most of us see the same point of view. For clarification, this is NOT MY close friend, this is a friend of a co-worker of mine, so she was asking my opinion on what i thought about it, at the same time, i thought it would be very interesting to post this message and see what other people thought. But i can glady say this, if this was my close friend or one of them, i would not hesitate to give my personal opinion on the matter. That is the joy of having close friends, if you have a close enough relationship, then as friends you should be able to express your thoughts and be open on topics like this.. that is how true friends are...

Featured Answers



answers from Pittsburgh on

If it was me, I wouldn't bring a newborn to the funeral.

I can't imagine that even they think it is appropriate and I would really doubt that they are doing it out of any intentional bad reasons.

Do you think it's a possibility that they have NO other option if they wan to be there for their friends? Maybe they need a babysitter. Could you volunteer or help them find someone if that's the case?

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

wow - that's just obnoxious. My sister miscarried at 8 weeks (it was a totally unplanned and completely unexpected pregnancy as she was on birth control). I became pregnant shortly afterwards. I was sensitive to that. These "friends" are clueless. They need to either not go, or find a sitter.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

Totally unnecessary to take the baby to any funeral, much less one for a family who just lost a baby. If they have no baby sitter, then one of them should stay home with the baby, and the other attend the funeral.

My humble opinion.

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from Orlando on

Tacky, class-less, uncaring .. insensitive.. those are just a few words that popped into my mind when reading your post. So sorry for your friend!!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

To take your infant to the funeral of an infant seems insensitive to me. If you can't bear to part with your infant and leave them with a sitter for a few hours, send your regrets, a card and flowers and stay home.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Richmond on

I would say no, absolutely not, to brining the infant to the funeral. That is TOTALLY insensitive. One of my girlfriends lost a baby @ 16 weeks, and came to visit when my son was about 2 months old... I felt really awful even though she was fine... because SHE was ready. These parents that just lost their child do not need to have another baby there to remind them of what they've just lost. Your friend needs to either find a sitter, or stay home with the baby and show their condolenses and support in another way. My prayers go out to the family who just lost their little angel baby :(

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Gainesville on

These people clearly aren't thinking! For them to have called the grieving parents-wow! Can you say insensitive? Someone needs to say something to them, in a nice way of course-nicer than they treated the grieving parents! They should not bring their new baby to the funeral.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I totally agree with you. I am so sorry for your friends' loss.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

i totally agree with you thats unessesary ,i don't think you need to bring a newborn to a funeral much less if a friend loss a baby .they can get a babysitter or just one of them go .talk to your friend and tell her how she would feel?

she will understand

i am sorry for the loss of that family

My prayers go out to the family who just lost their little angel.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

This is a story about friends of a friend. I doubt you have the whole story. I think you should graciously accept that this is none of your business, and step back. If you take on the stress of people you don't even know, it's not very healthy.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I agree that's very tacky.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Ocala on

I think that it is wrong for them to take the baby. The parents that lost their baby need time to heal.

God bless them.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

I agree with you and everyone else on this thread so far. My question is, what is your relationship with the friend who is planning to bring her new baby to the funeral? If it is close, and she respects your opinion, and she's asking your advice, feel free to give it. Otherwise, if you've overheard the situation from another co-worker, or you don't really have a previous relationship with this co-worker, your advice will not be welcome. Even though you are right, your advice may fall on completely deaf ears or worse... she may call her friend who just lost their baby and complain about your "butting in". And that would be rubbing salt into an open wound.

So while I agree with you, please be very careful about how you address this issue with your co-worker. She may or may not be in a position to hear it from you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

Do not bring the baby to the funeral!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait some months and talk to to these people before bringing in a baby to see them. Of course they will see babies but to bring one to a funeral or even right after a loss is just mean!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Albany on

no babies at funerals, much less a baby's funeral, you are right F., I'm so sorry you and your friends are going through this, I wish your friend who lost her baby great strength to get through this, and your friend with the new baby a little more COMMON SENSE to get through this!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Sioux City on

I have buried two stillborn children. I know it would have been very hard to see a newborn child at either of their funerals. It was hard to see babies for a long time. I forced myself to be pick up babies and love them up because I knew life goes on, but at their funerals would have been way to difficult. The other hard part was how quickly people felt I should have been over it. It was like once they were in the ground, they didn't exist any longer yet my heart was still aching for them. The 4th anniversary of my daughters birth was about a week ago and I cried because I miss her. You love them just as you love all your living children. Tell your friend that she should show up for the funeral without her baby and then she should try to remember the due date of her friend's baby. That day will be a hard one. Maybe she could send her a little flower on that day.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

She called your friend and asked your friend if it would be okay to bring the baby. Let your friend make the decision and stay out of it. She's a grown woman and can make her own decisions.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Absolutely NOT! They should find a babysitter or just not go. Why rub salt in an open wound?! I'm surprised they even called to ask.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

How awful... leave baby at home.. or if need be mom or dad stay with baby then other one go vto funeral.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

I'm actually torn on this one. First of all, I would not bring a 5 week old baby to ANY funeral just because it seems like an unnecessary distraction to myself and the other people at the funeral. For me it's not about this being a funeral for an infant as much as it would just be a no brainer for me to get a babysitter or leave my husband at home if I needed to attend a funeral.

That being said, you seem to be more concerned with the fact that it's an infant's funeral and seeing another infant might make this more devastating for the parents. If an 8 year old died, would you not bring your 8 year old to the funeral just because it might be a reminder to the parents? Honestly, this is so far beyond my comprehension on the grief scale that I don't think having an infant there will make it any worse. They are going to be consumed by their grief, I don't think this will matter to them at all. Others might remark that the couple bringing the infant were "inappropriate" but the grieving parents probably won't even notice.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I was in this situation when i was pregnant and could not leave the baby at home(obiously), so i didn't attend but sent my thoughts and prayers with others. I too think it is really unthoughtfull.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Madison on

I'm with you - Why would she even go there? tactless, selfish . . .



answers from Minneapolis on

I am a hospital social worker and sometimes work with patients who are in the hospital because they have lost their baby. A few years ago I was 8 months pregnant and got assigned to a case where a woman had just lost her 8 month fetus. I asked the nurse if she wanted me to see this patient or if she thought the patient would prefer a different social worker. Well, the nurse asked the patient's husband and he thought she might want to see the pregnant social worker (me). So he talked to his wife and she preferred to see me because I WAS pregnant. She wanted to talk to me about my baby and pregnancy and to tell me about her baby and pregnancy (like most pregnant women do). We talked about the social worker stuff I was assigned to do, and at the end of our conversation she said it was comforting for her to talk to someone who had a baby/fetus about the same age as hers. She said part of her grief was not being able to talk about the baby because of the pain it caused other people.
So anyway, I think this whole issue is so delicate and personal it is hard to know how parents who have lost their child will feel about it. I should mention that I have also had patients NOT want to see me because I was pregnant.
I think the love and caring that everyone is showing your friend is so supportive, awesome! I hope that she will have lots of time to talk about her baby and her experience and her grief.
This is long, but I hope it helps.



answers from Boston on

I brought my 18 day old baby to the funeral for an elderly great aunt who had been sick and we knew was dying. No one minded. This however sounds incredibly insensitive to me. I can't imagine any loss being greater than that of ones child. It may be hard to leave a baby at 5 weeks but give the parents one childless day of griveving.



answers from Cedar Rapids on

I, personally, would not take a 5-week-old baby to a funeral, a wedding, a nice restaurant, a movie, or anything else requiring a quieter atmosphere. However, other people do it all the time. I feel it is insensitive not only to the grieving parents but to everyone there to support the family. On the other hand, this other friend may be thinking that they want to be there to show support but cannot get a sitter. So what do you do? It seems to be a delicate situation all around but I do feel that emotions of the family that lost their child should take precedence in this case. No one can expect a 5-week old child to remain silent for the length of a funeral. This is a time for the family to say good-bye and it shouldn't be interrupted by a tired, hungry or cranky baby.



answers from St. Cloud on

Actually, I think we all have the same opinion! How heartbreaking!

I feel so bad for the people who lost their baby. How could they possibly say no to the other couple when they called and asked if they could bring their newborn? They should never have been put in that position. How appallingly insensitive!



answers from Denver on

Ultimately it matters as to how the parents of the baby feel. On the surface, it seems rather insensitive.



answers from Sheboygan on

Though you have already posted a "what happened" box, I just thought that I would weigh in. I think the girl was being remarkably considerate to her friend by even asking if it's ok to bring her newborn....most people, even good friends, wouldn't even bother to ask. I don't see any issue with her bringing her newborn, and actually, when my husband and I lost our first baby late into the pregnancy, I was comforted by the presence of another baby. Even though it hurt considerably to see others with something we so badly wanted, I could not fault them for wanting to have their child with them, and being able to hold and cuddle a baby when I had lost my own was a balm to my soul. I knew that not only did they share in my sadness over our loss, but that they were also immensely thankful for what they had. I lived vicariously through my friends who had children for almost 7 years, and through all of our losses over those years, the presence of the other children in our lives was a blessing. When we finally had a successful pregnancy, we were blessed with twins, and I know I would not be as thankful for them as I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that. Now, we are expecting another baby on July 1, and my husband's cousin has suffered 3 losses over the last three years. It is extremely hard for her to be around small children, and I understand. I did ask her if she preferred me to leave the twins (16mos.) home when I went to visit her this last time when she was home on bedrest recovering, and she actually told me not to come, as seeing me pregnant would be too hard for her. I completely understand, so I stayed away. I asked up front because I know what she's going through, and every person handles a loss differently. It's very hard to be in the position of friend/family member who has a newborn or is pregnant when your friend/family member has suffered such a loss. We want to be there for them in any way possible, but we also can't help the position that we are in with our children/pregnancy. Kudos to the girl for asking, and then taking her friend's feelings into consideration.



answers from Minneapolis on

I know you already have plenty of answers, but from a first hand experience to a similiar situation - here is one more answer.
My best friend from college lost her baby also. I decided not to go to the funeral and to go a few weeks later when I could leave family at home and really concentrate on her. Years later she told me that she really wishes I had been there regardless of how I would have come. I had it so firmly in my head that it was a time for her really close extended family and that I would be the unwelcome distraction. Turns out she was looking for me and needed me specifically. Knowing that now I would find a way to leave baby home, but I would have made sure I was there. Don't underestimate their friendship if you are unsure of their relationship. If they talk about everything and are used to being reflectinve/asking hard questions of ea ch other it may have been more normal to address the question of whether or not she could bring baby than for her to guess or not show up and leave the friend wondering.
Now I happen to think that my friend also has one of the most unique perspectives on life. She is exceptional. She remined me that she had the capcity to handle it and I regret not being there for her when she needed me.
Just know, it could still end up with regret either way. And being there for someone is the most important thing.



answers from Duluth on

well, i will be honest!

first of all sympathies and prayers to this family. :(

i think that this is fine. you say that this friend with a baby called this friend who lost her baby to make sure it was ok. you dont say what your friend may have decided or told the new parents, but it doesnt matter; if your friend who has lost her baby is ok with it, then theres nothing more to say on the matter. you arent her, you dont know or understand how she feels, and you dont have a right to tell anybody your opinion on the subject.

this new baby is 5 weeks old. i hardly leave my THREE YEAR OLD someplace, i would NEVER have left an infant of that age with anyone! her parenting instincts are telling her not to separate from her baby, and that is good. she shouldnt have to be forced to if she doesnt feel its right. newborns of that age mostly sleep or eat anyway, so whats the harm? and what a better way to honor your friend's lost child than to have your own to hold and become even more grateful for?

basically, you are out of line to be thinking of this kind of drama at a time like this. if you feel you would be willing to leave a 5 week old baby with someone else, then thats your opinion and you have a right to do that. this mom however does not feel this way, and she did the respectful thing by calling your friend and making sure it was ok. someone else having a baby doesnt cause pain, losing your own does. that pain never goes away, its going to matter very little if she runs into your friend now with a baby at 5 weeks than it will if she runs into your friend later with a baby at 2 years old. shes going to think of her baby every time, probably more so than other babies, because they are so close in age.

either way, it doesnt matter all the details. if your friend said it was ok, then its ok. shes not you. if the time ever came for you to go through this (God willing it wont EVER) then you would have the right to say no. but right now, this time, its really not your issue.

please concentrate on being there for your friend. i know you are, but dont let this kind of petty thing get in the way of being able to mourn yourself! yes, even friends have to mourn this loss! forget about this for a minute, hold your children a little bit closer, and be there for your friend; and i dont mean just talking . make some dinners, help them clean the house or do other chores, go to the grocery store for her, help her out in other ways. just concentrate on YOUR friendship with her, and the things that you can do, not what someone else is doing.

:) :) im not mad. i just thought i would be honest. its ok to feel the way you do. it does seem like its wrong to bring a baby to a funeral for a baby. but if your friends have spoken about it, then thats all that needs to be said.


answers from Detroit on

I feel that she should not bring the baby for emtional reasons and also for health reasons. your not supposed to bring the baby out before 6 weeks anyway and that's to many ppl at one time(germ wise). i think she should have dad or grandma watch the baby and go.

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