Friend's Mother Has Passed Away; Daughter Was Invited to the Funeral?

If she wants to go for her friend, she should go. I think her friend would appreciate the support. I've gone to funerals not because I knew the departed well, but because their spouse/child was a good friend of mine and needed my support. The invite to the funeral is more like "here's the info if you would like to come" vs a party invite. Funerals are for the living. I'd let her support her friend. Honestly, were I to be eaten by bears, the only two people I would haunt if they showed up would be my DH's ex and a cousin of mine. I would expect it to otherwise be an open invite.

Not only would I let her go, I would go with her. She's 13, right? Yep...you go too.

Your daughter has known this young lady for 7 years, and has been friends with her for nearly half that time. I know if I had a friend whose mother died, I would absolutely attend the funeral out of loving support for her grieving process.

Why would she not go to be there with her friend? That is what friends do. They support each other in times of need, heartbreak and also the good times.

I have not been to many funeral services, wakes, etc... thankfully. I agree that they are not fun....... However, I do know that my support has been appreciated when I did go support my family and friends at a time that was very difficult for them.

Sometimes so many strangers (acquaintances) of the person who died shows up.. it gets overwhelming and it is nice to have someone there who you trust (great friend, sister, brother, etc) to be by your side.

If my daughter had a true friend going through a grief period, I would not stop her from being there. I would be proud that she wanted to be there to show that she is a true friend in good times and bad.

If you have known this mom for 7 yrs, I think it is also very appropriate that you go show support as well.

I think it's very important that the two of you go. It is very common for family AND friends to attend the wake (visitation) and the funeral.

I understand your concerns and that you're not sure you would want your kids' friends to attend your husband's funeral. It's difficult for me to imagine what it will be like for me when/if that day comes. I really don't want to even think about it. But know that if people do come, it's because they want to support you. Most of the time people don't really know any other way to say, "We care about you. We are here for you. We want to offer you comfort and support."

This girl has asked your daughter to be there. I think it would mean a great deal to her if the two of you could be there for her.

Death and funerals are a part of life. There is no time like the present to learn this.

This poor girl lost her mom. She needs all the support she can get. Your daughter is old enough to understand this. She should go.

Maybe it's not what you would want, but everyone grieves in their own way.

This is really confusing.

A child lost her mother and is reaching out to a friend and you find this weird?

If they have been friends for 7 years, that makes me think your daughter is at least 7 years old (my son's age). If his friend of 2-3 years actually asked him to go to a funeral or wake, I would make ever effort to be there for the child in need.

Maybe I am missing something from your question.

My son's friend's father died several years ago. My son was a teen at the time and he just felt so weird about the whole thing (the wake, the funeral, sending a condolence card, etc). He had only attended a couple of funerals, for elderly family members.

I helped my son pick out a blank card, and in it he simply wrote "sorry about your dad" and signed his name. My son kept telling me that "kids don't do this" and that it was a really stupid idea, but I encouraged him to do it anyway.

The wake and the funeral were sad and joyful, as many such events are - laughter and tears and memories - and I went with my son to both. Of course, there was lots of family, and we only briefly hugged my son's friend, and met his mom and sister (just in a receiving line, I'm sure we were just a blur in a sea of faces). We didn't stay too long, as we didn't know anybody other than my son's friend. But we signed the guest book, chatted with a couple of people, expressed our sympathies to the family, and then quietly left.

However, about a week later, the friend ran into my son. When my son got home, he said "mom, guess that wasn't such a stupid idea after all. [His friend] said that he really liked the card and he was glad we were there. He said some kids didn't come, and now they don't know what to say and it's all weird".

So I guess that sending the card broke the ice, and when this boy saw my son, instead of wondering what to say or how to act, he could say thanks, which then allowed my son to ask how he was doing, etc. and they could talk, whether it was about baseball or how the family was doing.

I think the lesson is that if invited, it's good to attend a wake and funeral, even if it's awkward, or uncomfortable. My son's card was certainly not poetic or beautifully expressed, but it made the boy know that friends were thinking of him. And it made encounters after the funeral, such as at school or the mall, a little less uncomfortable.

Of course, no one WANTS to go to a funeral or wake, or to a hospital or hospice room, but to think of it from the point of view of the family, to think "my friend came" can be encouraging. And you might point out to your daughter that her friend will be pretty overwhelmed with emotions, with hugs from every aunt and cousin and friend of her mom's, and it might even seem like the girl barely notices your daughter, but she'll know. It's important. I would also help your daughter send a card, even as simply worded as the card my son wrote, to the family. When choosing a card, my son completely hated all the sympathy cards available (too "sappy", too "girly", too "stupid", I believe were the words he used), so that's why we chose a blank card with a simple photo on the front.

I hope both you and your daughter go, and send a card as well.

Yeah. I'd let her go, but also attend as well. Out of respect, support, and compassion for your daughters friend. It's a good teaching moment as well to show the importance of reaching out when others are in pain.

Of course I would! I can't imagine not being there for a friend, especially in a time of such intense pain and need. Your daughter's friend, in asking her to come, has clearly expressed that it would be helpful for her to have her friends there. Your daughter should honor that, and of course you should attend as a family.

My kids and I have gone to many wakes and funerals for their friends' relatives. Thankfully none of their young friends has lost a parent (just thinking about it crushes my heart) but they have gone to show respect and support for grandparents and other close relatives. Their presence was always appreciated. My goodness I would hope that when my husband and I die, especially if it were to happen while the kids were young, that they would be surrounded by the love and support of their friends and acquaintances.

Of course she should go and you should take her. At least to the wake. If this young girl has been in your daughter life for the past 7 years I would assume you would want to pay your respects to the family.

Yes.
Who "invites" people to a funeral? People that attend are usually invited to a luncheon afterwards.
I can't imagine why you & your daughter would NOT go to pay your respects and show support to the famy.
This is an odd question...

Yes, this poor girl lost her mother!! Somehow that whole point gets lost in your post. This is an excellent opportunity to teach your child about caring for others in times of need. "Honey, your friend is hurting and good friends are there for each other. especially when one is hurting."

Well of course your daughter should go if she wants to attend.
The highest respect you can show is to attend a funeral.

And since your daughter was invited I would take her.

In our family everybody is invited to attend the funeral, the Roseary, the burial and the wake.

Of course she should go. Her friend has stated that she needs the support. Your daughter needs to be that support. Nobody wants to go to funerals - we do because we either are the family that needs support or we are the friends there to provide that while the bereaved grieve. When my dad died, my brother's best friend flew 6 hours to be there for him (and for my mom). My mom in no way thought it strange that Nate came. She thought it was a wonderful expression of his caring for his friend. I don't know how old your daughter is. If she is young enough to need to to come, you should.

Absolutely let her go and you take her. And if your husband dies, you should let your kids invite their friends; it's a good thing to have support from people in our lives, and kids need support too.

By all means go! My mom passed away 6 months ago in July practically the same way. At her funeral I was afraid there wouldn't be a good turnout. There was though and I am grateful to a the people who came. There were actually quite a lot of people who came who knew my dad, or sister, or I and didn't even really know my mom; who came to support us. I am beyond thankful for that! Go... Its a kind gesture beyond measure.

By definition, a funeral is a public event - unless the family or the printed obituary say that "services are private". The precise reason that people publicize funerals is so that all who might wish to go are informed. There are 2 reasons to go to a funeral: 1) to derive comfort in your own grief for losing someone close or 2) to support the survivors in their grief. Some people go for both reasons, but just one is sufficient. Your daughter's friend of 7 years is saying that she needs support. She either wants other kids there so it's not just a bunch of adults she doesn't know, or she wants to make sure there are a lot of people showing that her mother will be missed by others. If people go to the funeral, it avoids the incredible awkwardness afterwards of "do I say something to her about losing her mother, or not?" If your daughter and this girl have been good friends for 2-3 years, I think it would be an incredible slight if your daughter did not attend!

What you consider "personal" may be seen by others as a distinct need or having others around them.

This is a perfect time to teach your daughter about funeral protocol, and about doing something that's a little difficult or uncomfortable as a way of supporting a friend. When my son's friend lost his father, all the kids went to the funeral home to speak to their friend, express condolences to the mother, and sign the guest book (which will long be a source of comfort to the family). Some of them chose to go to the church service the following day, others did not - it kind of depended on their religion, or whether they had not made it to the wake.

So teach your daughter about what to expect, and what to say. If it will be open casket, let her know about what she does and doesn't need to do (kneeling or not, stopping and looking or not, etc.). Go with her if you need to. Let her know that no one really WANTS to go, but they do because it's the right thing. 60 seconds of greeting her friend and her family, expressing condolences, and then moving on is not too much to ask.

If she goes to the funeral service, she will get to hear a eulogy and she will learn more about her friend and what the family felt was important to share about the mom. It will make her a better person. And I'm sorry, at some point, your daughter (like everyone else) needs to go through this a number of times so that someday she can plan a funeral herself for someone in her family. People don't get good at this just because they get older - they get good at it by watching how other people do it. And, God forbid if something happens to you or your husband, wouldn't you want your children to have their supporters and friends there?

i love your daughter's response. it's perfect. who *wants* to go to a funeral? most of us go for exactly the reason your daughter states, to support our friends and loved ones.
the fact that they have 'only' been good friends for 2 or 3 years makes no sense to me. 2 or 3 years is a very long time to a kid, and a friend who has only been a 'good' friend for 3 weeks is still a friend in need of support when they've suffered a loss this devastating.
i have no idea why you'd have a problem with your kids having the support of their friends if they suffered a loss, but i sure hope you don't stop your daughter from doing the right thing.
khairete
S.

I would absolutely go if I could get time off of work. Families need the support, they are in shock, they are grieving and they really aren't able to sit around and sort out who is on the guest list. Wakes are for everyone. People want to know their loved one is remembered. I never encountered anyone who felt the way you do about wakes or funerals. We are Irish. If You know anyone who died and you can go to the wake or funeral you do. It is totally appropriate and so much appreciated. It's your call but I'd go if it were me.

Isn't that why we go to funerals? To be there for our friends and family who are grieving? Your daughter seems to get that, and wants to go. So she should. If I were in your shoes, I also would go. Your daughter, and her friend, probably could use a little support and it would probably be comforting to have you there just in case things are upsetting.

So, yes, both of you should go I think.

It's absolutely appropriate for her to go. It shows good character for your daughter to be willing to step out of her comfort zone in order to comfort and support a friend.

Depending on her age, it may be appropriate for you to attend with her.

Of course you should let her go. Her friend needs support from her own friends and your daughter seems to want to support her friend. Funerals are not fun, least of all for the immediate family of the person who has died. Your daughter's presence might make this whole thing more bearable for her friend and be a good experience for your daughter.

Also, I'm an adult, but I recently attended my friend's mom's memorial service not only to support my friend, but also because in high school this mom was another mother figure to me. When kids are friends and they spend a lot of time at each other's houses, they form a relationship with their friends parents too. I assume that you're daughter knows this mom from her time spent with her friend and going to the funeral may give her some space to process her own feelings about losing this person in her life.

I've never heard of invitations to funerals.
No one goes to a funeral because they "want to." We go to show love and offer support to our grieving loved ones. If your daughter feels that her freind needs her to be there, then she should go.

If this girl invited her then she wants her there. I guess you shouldn't FORCE your daughter to go but I would certainly encourage it. It shows empathy and compassion after all.

In these cases, unless it's a very close friend or family member, I would either attend the wake or the funeral. Not both. Wake's are generally more personal in nature, so maybe the funeral would be a better option. Also, the way I look at it is unless the obituary states it's a private service, it's open to whomever wants to pay their respects. Technically, neither of you need to be formally invited, unless, like I said, it's private. My advice is for both of you to go and show your support to your daughter's friend. It does help to see people who care in times like this.

What Sunshine said. It's very appropriate for both (all of you) to go.

I have lost both my parents. My mother died when I was 21. It meant a lot to me to have my friends and even acquaintances show up to pay their respects, many of whom did not know my mother well. People showing up to funerals (invited or not) are there primarily to help support the living.

If you can reach out to this girl in the coming years, it will mean a lot to her. Don't disappear and be unavailable. Grieving is hard and it's so nice your daughter wants to be there for her.

Nice gesture, but useless - expensive flower arrangements. If you want to "do more" offer to bring a meal in the coming weeks. Pay them a visit. Have her over. Be supportive. Whatever you do, don't think you don't matter. Don't disappear.

If my husband died, I would expect my children's friends and their families there.

How old is your daughter??? If she is a teenager, than you should both go.

My son's friend lost his mother to cancer when they were both entering 2nd grade. We learned that the funeral would be a memorial funeral (no casket) so I went with my son (who was 7 at the time). His friend, also 7 and the friend's younger brother (3 years old) were both there. My son played with the boys in the church before hand and afterwards. I think it helped the boys to have other children there - there were probably 15 kids there.

These boys are now in 3rd grade and my son is very protective of his friend. Unfortunately, children can be cruel and this poor boy has been made fun of for not having a mom - my son has his back and is very supportive.

Funerals and wakes are for the living - I took my children to my grandfather's funeral and will continue to do so. We need to be more open about death as being a part of life - so that our children have a better understanding. Just my opinion.

You don't say how old they are - but when my neighbor, mother of 4, died the family was trying to find ways to keep the kids busy during all those hours of hanging out at the funeral home. One of the afternoons one of the sons (3rd grade) was at our house with my son (same age). But the 12 year old daughter wanted to be at the funeral home for all of the visitation hours - but didn't want to be there without a friend. So when a friend came with her parents she ended up staying to keep her friend company.

Being good friends for 2-3 years is a long time for anyone under age 15. Your daughter says she feels like she needs to be there for her friend. That is a sweet and humble emotion that I don't think you should discourage. At some point in her life loved ones will die and she'll have to be at a funderal home for hours. This isn't awful and could end up being a genuine time of growth and maturing for her. From my experience being at a funeral home is more about seeing loved ones, family & friends than being near a deceased person - I've never thought of it as creepy or wierd in any way.

Let your daughter go, make sure she knows what to expect, make sure she understands different families have different traditions. Suggest that she brings stuff to do (for most kids that means a cell phone - and perhaps a charger in her handbag).

When my husband's grandmother passed away my kids were still young and we brought them. The funeral home had a separate room for kids - it had a TV, DVD's, comforatable seating, coloring books for little ones, etc. A lot of teens cousins congretated there from time to time during the two days.

Anyway - it's a good lesson for when she grows up - we don't go to funerals and wakes for the dead - we go for those left behind.

Sounds like the friend would like your daughter's support at this difficult time. How old is your daughter? If she is say 10 or older, take her...stay briefly and leave when she's ready.

How old is she? Did I miss that part? If she's older and doesn't want to go then she doesn't need to. This friend is going to be with her family and probably won't even notice her friend isn't there. I am an adult and cannot remember but one or two people who came to my mom's funeral a couple of years ago. The family is focused on so many other things.

If your daughter is under 14 and has said she doesn't want to go then tell her you're making the decision for her and to tell her friend that you said she isn't able to go.

She can blame you. If she doesn't want to see her friend's mother laying in a casket she shouldn't have to go through that. Period.

I went to my first funeral as a toddler and it's my first memory. I couldn't figure out why my mom was crying. My dad was pretty old when I was born and he had over 10 siblings, almost all older than him, so I went to many funerals as a child.

I can tell you, if she doesn't want to go and sit through all that please don't make her. Give her an out. She may not want to go but not know how to tell her friend she isn't ready to go to a funeral yet.