What Do I Do with All This Preteen Angst?

If you haven't gotten her the American girl books "The Care and Keeping of You" I recommend them. I got them for my daughter when she was 9 and they have helped her understand some of these changes. She's 11 now and I do have some of that "bra worry" to deal with, too. She doesn't want to wear one and she even less wants to go without one. I stumbled on one that she likes the feel of, so that has helped.

What about those cami tanks that have the built in bra? Those are supposed to show as they have the layering effect. I also thought you were supposed to go braless in a leotard??

How do you handle this angst? Prepare for more.

Middle school is the worst.

Well, in the year of cell phones, maybe take pictures of her in her outfits. Have her jump around and do crazy stuff and then show her that her bra strap isn't showing. Maybe get flesh-colored bras? They don't show as much. Good luck! Yeah, it's not rational, but school is so embarrassing at that age. I remember bra strap paranoia...

Oh, this is so natural and inevitable. It sort of makes me smile and tear up at the same time.

You can try giving her a budget -- Here's $50, and here's our neighborhood Target. You can get yourself any bra-hiding clothes (e.g., thick t-shirts, turtlenecks) you want if you stay on budget.

But honestly, this is a phrase, just like 3-year-olds throwing tantrums if they can't go to the grocery store in their superhero cape, princess dress, and cowboy boots all put together. Her body is changing whether she wants it to or not, and right now she's trying to keep those changes under wraps.

It'll pass within a year or so. Then, brace yourself for the "I hate you and all the shallow, hypocritical values you stand for" phase. That one's next. ;)

LOL, yes, something like that. :)

Actually, the preteen angst is a little different than teenage angst -- she will stop worrying about her bra strap showing and start agonizing over other, more "important" matters. (Importance is a matter of perspective.)

What Mira said.

Hang on for the ride!

By the way, the responses you are giving her, like a casual, "Fine, wear what you want, but we're not buying you more shoes," and telling her that she looks more silly hunched over, are the appropriate responses. You're doing fine. Obviously, you try to help her out where appropriate, but there's only so much drama one can respond to.

Remember what worked for your kid at 2 or 3, during the *terrible* stage? That's the overarching methodology you want to use again... only update it a bit, because now she's verbal.

I found the LESS I talked, the calmer she stayed. The more I said things like "awww, that sucks" or "I can't believe she did that!" the more she would just keep talking and eventually work her own problem out.

I think most of the time she isn't even really aware of what she's actually upset about, so trying to solve her problem isn't actually going to solve the problem. She just has to work through it.

By mid-12, my daughter has kind of evened out. But I know it's going to ramp up again for 8th grade next year, so I'm trying to enjoy the eye of the hurricane while it lasts!!!!!!

The answer is probably "yes." You have to learn to look at it as a little bit amusing and don't play into the constant negatives. I figured out after the first one that it goes much easier if you kind of go back to the two year old stuff - ignore what you can and try to humor them out of the mood if you can. You are not going to win by reasoning with her, they are not reasonable at that age.

Have fun.

OMG my daughter is 10.... she has not yet gotten like this. OH geez, I hope she doesn't! Yikes!
Not easy huh?

Okay but anyway, my daughter is in 5th grade, and there are LOTS of girls in her grade level, that are wearing bras and are having growth spurts and have big feet, and they are FINE.
No one even cares or notices!
My daughter, wears a size 5-6 women's size shoe.
I am a size 7, and she can even fit some of my shoes.
She is HAPPY! She thinks its so neat, she can fit my shoes!
And I swear, she grew like overnight. She is almost 5 feet tall... and there are lots of kids in her grade level that are taller than she is.

All I have done with my kids, since they were toddlers, was to teach them to be themselves. So hopefully, my daughter will remember that as she hits the more awkward phases of Tweens. So far... she is just herself, she couldn't care less what others are wearing or not or what size they are. She just wears what she wants.
And I have the 'American Girl' books for her.
This is a GOOD series ya know.
For girls this age.
My daughter loves it.
Maybe get your daughter some?

I really sympathize with you.... its such an awkward age....
my daughter will be in middle school next year... egad!

Tell your daughter: that people will notice her MORE... if she keeps acting like that... all hunched over and self-conscious. People notice others more, when the person acts self-conscious.
Its just human nature.

I would see if she'd wear a bra with clear straps. Or make her stand in front of a mirror to see what she actually looks like all hunched over and that her straps are not showing. Be a little glad that she's not looking to show off her bra (a fight we lost with my SD - I think straps are tacky to show). You can also use safety pins (within reason) to keep her straps from showing. Or get a sports bra or encourage her to use a tank top for layers.

I would talk to her about her feet. Did someone say something about her feet? Is this a reaction to a mean girl at school or a boy she likes? I'd have her try on her shoes and take the ones that don't fit. Tell her that she needs to wear appropriately sized shoes or she will get blisters and be limping, and then she won't be able to walk, let alone do her gymnastics and cheer. She can wear ANY of the shoes that remain as long as they are appropriate for the venue (no sneakers at a wedding).

Sometimes it's not even about the shoe or the hair or whatever. They're just a hormonal soup. SD once got very upset about her hair and to hear her tell it we were making her feel bad. We were just looking at her rat's nest and wanting to come to a solution about it. Either she needed help with it or she had to cut it. It was getting very bad and even our gentlest suggestions were met with a wall. We did eventually get through it, but it was a miserable week or so.

One thing that my DH has not fully learned is not to escalate. If she's upset about something, you can be firm, but don't get into threats and drama yourself. If you are calm, you are more likely to (eventually) be met with calm. And talking to her in the car may be good. Confined space. Defined time limit. You don't have to look each other in the eye.

My daughter is only 5 so I don't know how the rest of the years are going to go...and I have a ton of boys and the teen years have been pretty easy thus far.

~On a side note, maybe you could buy her some fitted tank tops/camisoles to wear over her bra (to cover the straps) and under her clothes?

Yes, the next several years will bring more of the same. I have found it helps to give them some space, let them flail and rant when they need to, bite your tongue, A LOT, especially when tempted to give them helpful, constructive advice (they just see it as nagging anyway.) Preteens/teens learn through trial and error, it's a messy, dramatic part of growing up. The best you can do is set some boundaries and enforce consequences as necessary. The rest of the time sit back and enjoy the show known as "little girl morphs into young woman: warning, not for the faint hearted!"
It's important to keep your sense of humor and try not to take everything too seriously.
Also, wine helps ;-)

My daughter had the issue with her feet. She thought they were huge until she found out what size some of her friends wear and then she was fine with it. For a while though she was comparing herself to a girl in her class that is petite, about a foot shorter than her and who still wears toddler size shoes!! They are in 3rd grade!

The bra issue~ Can you get her some sports bra-type tanks to wear instead of an actual bra? If she doesn't really "need" a bra in terms on support but also can't go without one maybe that would solve her problem. It would cover the developing breasts that are making her self conscious (I think they have some extra fabric in there) and wouldn't have straps that show.

Poor kiddo... growing up is so hard. I would never wish to go back to that age!!

I would talk to her gynmastics coaches about this. Surely there are bras that don't interfere with her outfits.

I'm 50 and I got sports bras. They come in a million colors so she could easily get some to coordinate with her gymnastics clothing. They look more like tank tops and provide really great support. If the straps show, they are not at all like bra straps. I have a small chest and I like my sports bras because they are comfortable, they keep everything in place, I do have regular bras, but it depends on what I'm wearing with them. I can't stand my straps showing either.

Look into colorful sports bras for her. She might really like them.

Also, enlist her trainer to talk to her about the proper fitting of her shoes. They need to fit properly, even if she doesn't like it, in order to be able to advance in gymnastics. Perhpas they can counsel her and she will listen to them.

Best wishes.

Oh yes, I remember that time period well. My daughter is 15 now and much more confident with herself, but at that age she was much like your daughter. She preferred the sports bra/cami style at that age and I always said if she had a turtleneck swimsuit she still would've been pulling it up. The problem is that it becomes a nervous habit that is very difficult to break and its tough on the clothes, but she will get through it. My daughter and her friends always wear a tank/cami under t-shirts (and a bra), but your daughter may be more comfortable in that. Also, is there a teen girl of a friend of yours that could maybe talk to her as they seem to respond better to other teens than their mother telling them these things.

This too shall pass :).

Be consistent, honest and supportive. Use humor when you can and try to assume the best of her rather than the worst. Not to say that "angsty" teen is any type of fun to be around for you.

Sounds like she is going through the feeling insecure period. You kow dealing with the changes of her body. I agree with Patricia. I like her suggestion. Also, they have a whole bunc of bras that criss/cross and straps won't show. How about she layer a few tank tops under a blouse/shirt. This will help her feel less self conscious? Why does she think her feet look big? Keep reassuring her that's she's beautiful inside and out no matter what stage. I'll be there soon enough with mine. :)