Trial Separation

Amy, I saw a guy on Oprah talking about how to talk to kids about divorce and he was AMAZING!! His name is M. Gary Neuman. Try going to Oprah.com and see if you can find the show about children of divorce revealing their secret thoughts. It aired at the end of June. I'm pretty sure he has a book. Seriously, the guy was incredible. I sent this same response to someone else who asked a similar question this week on Mamasource but wanted to tell you about him too. You're an awesome mom to think about how to talk to your kids about this. My mom never did and it was awful for me. Way to put your kids first!!! Best of luck!

Amy:

Funny you should ask, I am currently going through the same thing.

When I asked my husband to move out so I could have time to think - he refused to leave. I ended up getting his best friend to talk to him - he ended up moving out.

I have two young children (7 & 3) and the 7 year old is having a tough time, but I explained to them both that we are separating, we don't know what will happen, we still love them both, etc. My 3 year old is fine - he's just a happy go lucky kid. I allow their dad whatever time he wants with them, I encourage sleep overs, etc. but he hasn't really stepped up to the plate (part of the reason I wanted him out).

I have never been happier (as sad as that sounds). My husband wants to come home, but I'm 99.9% sure that it's over. A break will do you some good so you can evaluate the situation without him being there.

I wish you nothing but the best!
C.

Hi Amy - I agree that you will want to arm yourself with as much knowledge & support as possible. Definitely talk with an attorney who specializes in family law/divorce, specifically divorce with children. I do have a question first - do you still love your husband, are you still in love with him... If the answer is no, it's probably too late to 'save' the marriage. But if you do still love him, and he feels the same way, I woudl encourage you to have a really frank & open conversation about how you're feeling and see what steps you can do to make it work and make you both HAPPY. I agree that if you are not happy, no longer in love, etc. that staying together simply is not the best choice. In that case everyone will be better off if you do separate. I only bring this up b/c of my personal experience... I can definitely relate to what you describe, the efforts you've takes, and that not happy place you always seem to come back to... Best of luck to you, and take good care of yourself :)

Have you read Hidden Keys to a Loving, Lasting Marriage by Gary Smalley? I think it also comes in VHS and probably CD form. He comes from a Christian perspective, and tries to get couples to stay together by having them respect each other, honor each other, think about the natural differences between men and women. You can probably get it at your local library for free. Try it, even if he won't watch it or listen to it, you can do it on your own. Try to focus on what made you fall in love in the first place. Those qualities are still there, but life gets in the way, business gets in the way. Don't give up! Ask God to help strengthen your marriage and honor your efforts to save it. Good luck and God bless!

I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I have been there and have had a number of friends in similar situations. Since you have been together for so long and have children together, it will be difficult to separate, but given that you have had counseling and have not been able to get back to a happy relationship, it is very likely you will need to separate or resign yourself to unhappiness for the rest of your life. If you decide to separate, I would advise talking to several lawyers before moving ahead. I did not do this myself, and now wish I had. I have had friends who did, and it clearly is important, regardless of cost or not wanting strangers involved in your personal woes. You need to know what actions to take and why, for example, asking him to leave and he won't. A good attorney can advise you on this and on what you should say or not say. You need to understand your financial situation, both for you and your children's sake. You may also wish to consult with a counselor to understand best how to tell your children and how to treat them as you move through separation and divorce - they may benefit from counseling as well. I did none of this and am very sorry - there is so much good information out there that you can use to navigate this difficult situation, and professional people who can help. It is worth it, believe me. There is no way around a situation like this - you just have to go through it, armed with as much knowledge and help as you can get. And have faith that you and your children will be better off once you do.