Husband and Money

Updated on March 29, 2008
A.P. asks from Jacksonville, NC
69 answers

I have been married to a Marine for 20 years. About 2 years ago I found a lot of phone records where he was calling a female in another state. He said that he happened to be in California and went by her mother's house and asked about her. Well he got her number and they were conversing I guess for a few months. But I got old phone records that showed they had been conversing since 2005. I have asked him several times what is going on. He said he was bored and just looking for someone to talk to. Also I read in his emails where he did not have the guts to tell me he say her while on a business trip to California. When I found out they were conversing, she made a statement to him via email that "After all these years, we should have discussed what we would do but it is here and now and I should have stuck to the friend story". Well anyway my husband at that time told me he would share everything financially with me but he has not. He will not tell me where his direct deposit goes, how much he gets for retirement and where it is deposited. I would like to ask an opinion of some of the women that write into this forum. Eventhough I am working, I have hit a rough spot with credit cards and have gotten myself into debt. After all this, my husband still denies that there was anything going on with him and this female. I feel abandoned. I have paid off some of my debt but whenever I hit a point where I have no money he refuses to help out even to pay the electric or buy food. I worked a second job during the Christmas holiday but he insisted that I quite because he had other things that he wanted to do an not babysit on Saturdays and Sundays. I know most people will find this confusing and others would say why am I still here. Please comment on this. I would like to know what you all would do in this situation.

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M.H.

answers from Louisville on

Hi A., my name is M., and although i have only been married for 6yrs. i feel where you are coming from. something simular happened to me last year. I was pregnant with are second child when i found a girl number in my husbands coat. he said that her and a bunch of ppl that they worked with were going to go out one night, but he deciced to come home instead. that not being enough for me , i found out who the girl was and confronted her. needless to say he had been talk to her a whole lot , and telling her things he shouldn't have. by confronting her i put a quick stop to thier conversing.
although things were a little rocking for a bit and i even had to move out for a week. things eventually got back to normal. i guess what i'm tring to say is. i don't think that you should give up on 20yrs. of marriage. you clearly love him or you wouldn't still be there. don't give up if you believe you can make it. but he should not be talking to this other lady if you are not comfortable with it. i would like to talk to you more if you have some question or something you would like to talk about. i hope that everything works out for you, and that maybe i have been a bit of help. hope to talk to you soon.~M.~

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L.W.

answers from Memphis on

I don't dnow where you will go from here but I do know that in divorice you are entitled to one half of his military retirement. The military considers you as part of his military service. He probably knows this too. Good Luck

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L.T.

answers from Fayetteville on

You need to get yourself to the JAG office pronto! You are entitled to 1/2 of his military retirement. It is law. Make copies of all of the documentation that you have. You are also entitled to child support. Alimony is determined by the state you are a resident of at the time of separation. No one can tell you what they would do if in your situation, or should tell you what to do. I would definitely find out what I was entitled to. The military legal office can tell you that. Some posts even have "divorce briefings" that spouses must attend before seeing an attorney that will give you the basics. I would start checking and making sure that your name is not on any of his debts. If you do not want anyone on post to know (and word does spread fast) , you could call a civilian attorney. If you live near a military post most of them are familiar with military law. Is this just an emotional attachment or a physical one? Adultery is a criminal offense under UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). I'm sure you can tell, I'm a military spouse, too (Army). Is he active-duty or retired? If possible, can you talk with your chaplain? Many units have marriage retreats, especially after deployments. If your husband was willing to go, this might help. When children are involved things can get complicated. I would be concerned about the secrecy with the finances. You are entitled to financial support. his financial information must be submitted to the court, if you file for separation. I know this must be difficult, you have a lot of time and emotion invested. You need to take a long, hard look and decide what you want out of life and if he is willing to provide it. Counseling would be a good start. Good luck!

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R.D.

answers from Greensboro on

A., sorry to hear about your conflict with your husband. However, I am a paralegal in NC and this is the classic signs of someone having an affair. Take yourself to an attorney, along with the cell phone records and all the emails you can print. You didn't say how old your daughters were, but if they are under 18 you WILL receive child support and the phone records, emails and the fact that he's secreting money from you may get you alimony. You may want to stay in your marriage, and if you do, you need to make it a condition that he go to counseling with you and be COMPLETELY honest regarding money, phone conversations, emails, letters, cards, etc. Also, all debts incurred during the marriage are considered marital debt and each of you are responsible for these debts, whether he wants to believe it or not. (unless you guys signed a Pre-Marital Agreement, then you have to follow that Agreement).

As to his comment about not wanting to "babysit" on weekends, well, they are his kids too. You did not have these babies all by yourself. As I told my ex-husband, there was only one emaculate conception in this world, and it wasn't mine.

Good luck to you, you're going to need it whether you stay in the marriage or you go out on your own. If you go out on your own, don't let anyone tell you it's not scary because it is, but it is doable.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

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D.T.

answers from Wheeling on

Dear A.,
This is awful, and I do understand why you just haven't left him. I realize this is all too much information to digest after being with this "man" for 20 years. You thought he was something he isn't. I would like you to see an attorney a.s.a.p. This story isn't a new one, as far as cheating is concerned, but, this issue with his money and him not paying for food etc., really makes me feel as though you need to get professional help. An attorney will advise you of your rights to his pension, and put an end to his manipulation with you. It really makes me angry that he didn't want to babysit when you worked that second job and that he won't be the partner you deserve after all these years. When you leave him, and I know you will, please do it with dignity and have the rights you deserve spelled out to you before you leave. That will give you the power you need to make this leap into the future. You will know exactly what money he will be forced to give you by LAW, for the support of his children. When you do get to an attorney it's my advice that you keep your eyes open for an apartment. If your credit history isn't what it used to be, then please ask a close family member or friend to co-sign for you. I can tell you are at wits end if you wrote for advice here, and can only hope that there are people in your life you can count on. ASK, please, ask for some help in separating yourself from your husband. He is up to no good, and this is clear to see, it isn't confusing at all. If you were only writing for advise about the lack of support he gives you and the girls financially, my advice would be the same...leave him, but first see an attorney to attach his wages. But, when you add that he is having this connection with another woman, it's really clear that he does not respect or love what he has with you and the girls. I don't even know you and I am so angry and want to help you. He is not only taking advantage of you, but the girls as well. You don't deserve this kind of treatment and your girls certainly don't either. I can only tell you that 42 is young. This can be a new beginning for you. Remember that. And, also..when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. That is true. It's not an end to anything worthwhile, it's the beginning of your life. Be strong and know that you aren't the only woman that has had to get rid of a no-good man, if not for yourself do it for your girls. Make sure they know their worth by not allowing him to make them feel unimportant, or insignificant as he's done to you.

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J.M.

answers from Charlotte on

I am so sorry you are going through that I have been there too. I am 42, my husband has decided he wants a divorce-the 4 kids and I are not good enough anymore. We were both in the Army and I got out to be a stay at home mom and he got out because he was tired of it. Anyways, I do know that you are entitled to one half his retirement because you have been married to him during his service time. My friend who retired Army and her husband who retired Army receives half of his retirement because they were married during most of his active time in the service. As far as the direct deposit-if he is still on active duty you can go to finance and inquire about it, and if he is still on active duty you can go thru JAG and they can take his money and direct deposit to you so he would not get the money first and deprive you. I would strongly recommend a lawyer to help or a private eye to do the investigating and get the proof you need. The divorce and child support laws are different in every state so a lawyer there would be best. My husband and I are going to a mediator but I will get a lawyer soon-he is being agreeable on many things, but before I sign anything I will get a lawyer. My husband never let me on a joint checking account until 7 years ago when he admitted to an affair with a friend of mine. It is not fun knowing that you have worked hard, honored him, let him have his career and then find out he cheated. It is a stab in the heart. I have no career-I haven't worked in 14 years and am trying to figure out life. The kids are wondering where we will live after we sell the house and they are worried about what will happen to them once I start school and work full time. It just plain sucks. I don't know about your husband but mine is a control freak and his money is his money and he gets irritated about giving me 55% for alimony and child support. I do hope you get a lawyer or at least surf the web (at the library so he can't see where you surf) and find out the resources in your state. If it is North Carolina go to www.rosen.com and it will explain everything and gives a calculation for child support. Let me know what you decide to do.

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L.S.

answers from Nashville on

I am an older woman with four grown children and grandchildren but I was concerned enough with your problem to try to write. You are a grown woman with daughters. You must not allow this man to bulldoze you the way he has because he is making you a victim and your daughters will become victims to the same type situation when they become women if you do not take this situation in hand.
1. Go to a lawyer and tell him/her what is happening. Get documentation. Take copies of phone bills, emails, etc. Tell the lawyer you have no idea of your financial situation or his.
2. Keep good records, do not be a victim. Women need to stand up for their rights and be counted. Do not get into screaming matches or go to him for so much as a dime. Let your lawyer handle it.
3. Make sure that your lawyer is "woman friendly" check with various people you trust for input regarding a good lawyer.
Think about a divorce. If your children are under age, you will get help with child support and with bills. Your lawyer can help with that.
4. If you absolutely don't want a divorce and will blindly stand by while this guy has an affair (friends with women are seldom although they do happen, it is UNUSUAL) Be prepared to lose your respect for yourself, from your daughters when they understand what is going on, and from this man who has no respect right now anyway.
5. Find a circle of friends that will support you, there are great groups for people going through similar situations, such as parents without partners etc.
6. Search for a counselor that will see you thru the rough times. They don't all cost money and they will help you but make sure they are "woman friendly" and not....STICK BY YOUR MAN NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES TO YOU...type of counseling. You might think of counseling for your daughters if you do decide to get the divorce.
By the way, I am not a divorce happy woman. I have been married twice, the first time to an alcoholic who was having an affair (I stayed with him 11 years) and the second time to a wonderful man that loves me, my kids and what I stand for. We have been married for 28 years. Yes, it was hard getting a divorce and it affected my two sons. They love my current husband like a dad tho, because their own dad basically had nothing to do with them. My lawyer didn't really do a lot for me and laws were not as strict as they are now. If he is still in the military, they will enforce the child care payments to you so you are luckier than me. Don't ever, ever allow anyone to take advantage of you. Don't ever be afraid to stand up for who you are and if he has violent tendencies (which you have not spoken about) find help immediately from agencies which will get you in a safe environment. If you are working and don't have an education that will enable you to go up the ladder - get an education. You will be better for it. Good luck A. and don't let the turkeys keep you down. You can do it! Just be one step ahead, not a block behind...Set a good example for your daughters so they grow up in a healthy environment with a strong mother who would not settle...You are not alone, there are plenty of women out there that have been there and done that!

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K.F.

answers from Nashville on

I have heard this story before.....If he is hiding things and talking to this woman in California......there is probably more going on. My ex was not coming home for weeks then would suddenly appear for a night and gone the next day. He explained that he needed to be away from me so was staying at a "Friends" house. Well, I found out that this friend was a girl. I told him that if he really wanted to be alone that I would leave so he could stay at our house and he agreed. The first night.....do you think he was at home....NO....he was out with that girl. That was it!! He could not have 2 woman......My ex was also hiding a lot of things....I found a bank book where he opened an account without me.....If you are working and can support yourself then I would consider leaving. It doesn't sound like your husband is very truthful......It will be hard at first but it will get better. Good luck to you....whatever you decide.

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A.B.

answers from Nashville on

You do know you are entitled to half of his pension if you two divorce, don't you? I would tell him that it is time he anti up his portion of the bills. Don't back down from him. Give him a figure that is half of all the bills and tell him you expect that amount of cash to put in the checking account. Next, get yourself out of debt and start saving money... you are going to need it. If he is retired military, the girls will get a portion for child support and you are entitled to half off the top since you were married to him thru his military career. Get your ducks in a row while demanding he pay his share. Quit being naive and nice. Lay down the law. Also without his knowledge, have the other woman's information and copy some of those e-mails and make copies of phone records as far back as you can. Put these in a safe place....safe deposit box that only you can get to. When the time comes, be prepared.
When he refused to buy food, don't feed him. He is intimidating you and spending his money on other things. You have proven to yourself that you can provide for yourself and your family since he isn't helping you. Stop paying his share. He'll anti up or be in debt. Don't create any more debt in your name. If you get a credit card to use for family stuff, get it in his name and he'll either help pay it or it will ruin his credit. Get yours intact.
You are married to a louse and you have to prepare yourself for a life without him. Since you have tolerated this for this long, you can tolerate it for a year or so longer while you prepare for life without him. Investigate all you can and you may even need to hire a private investigator to find out what you need to know.

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M.E.

answers from Lexington on

sounds to me like your hubby is living a double life with this other woman. you need to put your foot down and tell him he needs to chose...you or her, but be prepared for either answer becasue he could very easily chose her.

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A.J.

answers from Charlotte on

My condolences for your selfish husband. I commend you for having the courage to speak on this (no matter what the forum). It is bad enough that he lied to you and cheated on you but, with the information that you shared with us of which you discovered, yo

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S.K.

answers from Goldsboro on

Dear A.,
You have received some wonderful advice here, and that should give you much help and comfort. One thing I will add: DO NOT let him know before you go to his CO. That will just give him time to hide facts and records, or to get really ugly with you. Honey, I love the USMC (that's where my hubby served, too), but never forget the line about them being "hired killers." You need to protect yourself. Not that he would be violent with you, but there is no way that you can be sure what his reaction might be when he becomes upset- why chance it? Let's face it, once you have that training, esp. if you served in war time, the reaction and instinct might be there. We have been happily married for 39 years, even through some really rough spots, but there was a time of PTSS where I was "Charlie" during one of his frequent nightmares. He scared himself enough to go sleep on the couch a few nights. The ability is there. Don't access it.

That said, please go ahead and ask him to go to Christian marriage counseling if you still love him. You didn't say if there is any kind of relationship left. But let this be a new start either way, you have been getting the short end of the deal for a long time.

God bless you, girl, and keep you safe and well guided.

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V.C.

answers from Wheeling on

Dear A.,

I'm truly sorry for you (and I've never experienced your problem, thank God), but I would advise you to contact Focus on the Family. They've had broadcasts on dealing with all kinds of family problems and have reputable counselors (& referrals to local counselors), and biblical materials (brochures, books, electronic media), etc. available on all kinds of family subjects. Their number is 1-800-A-FAMILY ###-###-####).

God bless you. It's not something you want to let go on any longer, though. You'll probably have to command respect before he'll give it to you, as it seems he's thought for years that he didn't have to honor you with the respect you deserve as a wife.

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L.M.

answers from Fayetteville on

hello A., first let me appologize for the arrogance girls and guys put men and women through. I will not say something is going on between them, I will say start thinking like men. I am 43yo with common sense. invite your husband for a talk. the vows are for better or worse. if he wants this relationship with her and you want out, make him realize it is cheaper to keep you. first tell him he can have her on 3 conditions. 1- pay off your debt so when you guys split up you will be able to start over from scratch. 2- he will not be allowed to disrespect you at no interval. 3- until GOD AGREES with a plan neither of you are to step outside the marriage, not unless your marriage counselor calls a meeting!

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K.L.

answers from Myrtle Beach on

I'm not sure what NC is...is it a 50/50 state? If you were to divorce, you are entitled to half of everything, including his savings ect. Not that I'm suggesting divorcing, that is a very personal decision. Just speak to an attorney and find out if you are protected and know your rights if you should decide to divorce. It sounds like you have a very selfish husband who is not very concerned about you. I hope things change, but in case they don't, look out for you and your girls. Good luck and take care.

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C.M.

answers from Memphis on

If this is the first incident and you feel that you have been violated - it is true. As women, we have the ability to know when things are not right in our household. My husband of 23 years did me similar in more than one affair. Men will never admit the fact that they are having an affair. I also caught my husband through telephone records. If he cheated once he'll do it again. The important thing to remember is that the man is the maintainer of the household and should be taking care of you and your children. He states that he don't want to babysit his own child(ren) is an insult. Quality time with his children, as a father, should makeup for the time when he's not available. You must make a decision that is the best interest of you and your child(ren). Put God first in your life and everything else will fall in line. Take each phase one step at a time......

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S.O.

answers from Nashville on

A.,
No matter how you handle this, you'll need the love and support of your family and good friends. First of all, do you know any family law attorneys, or does the military provide any legal advice for spouses? I would very strongly suggest that you speak with a lawyer (most provide a free consultation) as soon as possible so that you'll be aware of what your husband can and cannot do should you start divorce or separation proceedings. You will be financially entitled to a lot - particularly since you've been married for two decades. I realize that you have 2 daughters, but your husband has essentially "broken" the family anyway, and it's important that you show your daughters an example of a working, loving marriage, and of a mother who respects herself too much to tolerate such a lack of respect by her husband. It seems that you'd be better off away from this man, and at 42 years old, you have a whole lifetime ahead of you that should be spent with trustworthy people who appreciate you, without the worries of a guy who's proved that he's neither emotionally nor financially supportive, and proved that he's unfaithful and willing to break his marriage vows. (And yes, though you may not have photographic proof, trust your instincts regarding the other woman. When that little warning bell in your head goes off, it's rarely wrong.) Obviously, you're the only one who can make the best decision, but please, please, please consult an attorney as soon as possible so that at least you'll know where you stand. Much luck to you and your daughters.

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L.M.

answers from Charlotte on

I am a bit confused...the two of you have been married for 20 years and you two don't share money or discuss your future (retirement) with one another? You said your husband doesn't want to "babysit" and your profile says "I have two daughters", but I can only assume being married for 20 years- they have to be his children...First of all, people do not babysit their own children and I can't imagine a real man not helping his spouse with the power bill- knowing his children are in the house or not helping out with groceries...again, for his children and the woman he supposedly loves!!

Forget about the other woman for now- eventhough that may sound difficult. You need to worry about the kids and providing for them. This should be his main concern too. Unfortunately, he does not sound like the "all-American" dad. I would either tell him you need such and such amount of money per week or figure out how to do this without him. He has certainly managed to have a life without his family.

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S.A.

answers from Louisville on

There are a few things you should look into. I would say, number one, keep all the evidence that you have, he sure doesn't seem to worried about hiding it. If he did have an affair and he is still in the military, you can bring it to his superiors attention if you feel you need to. They really frown upon that in the military. I am not sure about this in the marines, but in the air force, if you have been a military wife for more than 10 years you are entitled to half his retirement. If you need to, find someone you can trust that will help you. I am not sure about the policies that I have stated, but you should definitely look into it. Good luck.

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T.H.

answers from Jacksonville on

Hi A.,
There's no reason for you to be in the situation you are in. Your husband should fully support you financially and emotionally, and it doesn't look like he's doing either of those. He should not refuse to pay the electric bill or help buy food. He should be doing that. Not you. Nobody can tell you what to do, that has to be your own decision...but i would not tolerate my husband cheating on me. If he was bored and looking for someone to talk to, thats still not a good sign. I am not blaming that on you at all. If he was getting bored or feeling "stuck", he should beable to open up to you and talk to you about things like that, so you can work on your marriage after 20 years. Congrats by the way for staying married that long. I have not seen many people stay together for that long. I am younger than you. 27. But i do know something about respect in a marriage and it doesn't look like you are getting the respect you need. Hope that helped a little!
Hope things look up for you soon!
T.

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C.P.

answers from Memphis on

LISTEN to your gut, then get a lawyer so you will know your rights. Be sure to keep God in the middle of this situation. If your husband wants to make things better when he sees you're serious, listen to him and then insist on counseling, with a marriage counselor, or a pastor. Don't let him talk you out of counseling. You both will need it. If he refuses to cut all contact with this woman, you have your answer. He's been doing all of this behind your back, and he's still lying about things. Don't let resentment set in, because the devil will get that foothold and run with it. I'm going to be praying for your marriage, and for the children to become the number one priority no matter what the 2 of you should decide should happen with your marriage. Some marriages can come out stronger than ever after things like this, but some can't. Best wishes to you.

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N.F.

answers from Johnson City on

i wouldnt have put up with him this long, life is too short and you are still a young woman and dont need all that stress. sounds like you are making it pretty good on your own and dont need him if he is not helping out anyway,just extra baggage.

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B.R.

answers from Asheville on

Man, there is some great advice on here! It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship already. You deserve better!!! I believe in marriage and committment, but it can't be one-sided. Obviously no one can tell you what to do, but I would definitely talk to his CO, and get a good attorney. Quit carrying him! You are entitled to 1/2 of everything he has earned since you married, including his retirement. Only you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship. But like someone else said... you're young with lots of life ahead. It takes 2 people to work out problems, and it sounds like he is not willing to. He may not be physically involved with this other woman, but he is definitely involved in every other way. In my book, that's being unfaithful too! It may be best to get some good legal help, cut your losses, and get on with your life! I know that's probably not what you want to hear- but you deserve better!

Good luck. I'll definitely pray for you!
B.

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A.R.

answers from Raleigh on

i would ? whether he loves and cares about u and the children and does he still want to be in the relationship. life is too short to be miserable and think of your children. i know they must sense something. i have been divorced fo 9 yrs and i have been in your shoes so i feel your pain

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A.R.

answers from Memphis on

Get out!!!!!! I was in the same situation. It won't be easy but you need to get out!!

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T.V.

answers from Charlotte on

Does he still live with you? If so, get out! He's a liar! Any man unwilling to provide for his family and deceives his wife about money and other women needs to just plain go away! He's a terrible husband and even worse father for putting you three in that situation. And I do mean he intentionally "put you" in that situation....And taking care of his own children is not called babysitting, it's called parenting! Do whatever you can to work on getting away from him. There are resources for women in your situation out there. Call the women's resource centers in your phonebook. Don't be embarassed about it. That will only delay your leaving and getting back on your own two feet. Show your girls that you can be strong and stand up for yourself. You don't deserve to be walked all over and used that way! Your husband is a jerk! Military insurance is great but not worth all of that. Your girls will always be covered since he is their father. Get away from him. He will never fess up to being with that other woman and will never tell you where the money goes so get out of that house of lies ASAP!
Tina

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B.L.

answers from Memphis on

This is hard to hear, but, believe me...I've been there. Once a cheater, always a cheater. He will never change - if it's not with this woman, it will be with another. Be strong and think about your daughters. It's not right to raise them in this situation. If you are divorced, he will HAVE to tell you where his money is - and he will HAVE to help you out financially - and (after a while) the girls will be happier. Even though he's their father, you can't make him be a daddy.

It was hard for me to divorce and my kids were small at the time. We didn't have any extras when they were growing up, but, as I look back on the situation now, I realize I did the right thing. My kids are grown now, both married and happy, and their father has recently come back into their lives (after about 15 years of not hearing from him.)

It will be hard but things will work out eventually and you and your daughters will be MUCH happier!!!!!!!

Good Luck!

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N.G.

answers from Fayetteville on

A., I'm confused. If you're still married to him and looking for a divorce and alimony, call JAG and get the ball rolling. The military will make sure you get money when you split. Don't get his chain of command involved. That will only hurt you both. If he gets an article 15, he can be stripped of rank and that means a cut in pay. That in turn means less money for you. I learned this from a woman I knew who went through basically the same thing, only her husband admitted he cheated. Good luck!

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B.C.

answers from Jacksonville on

If you love him try and make it work through counseling and for the sake of your children. Growing up in today's society without a unified home is hard enough. However, dont sell yourself short, if this is the end of the road it is time to get strength and get out on your own with your children and initially for them to grow up to be strong daughters. Also do you not have family close by you can call for advice? Or friends? Even mommies on this forum you can meet and depend on? You want to find strong solid people that can support you. If you ever need anything my personal email is [email protected]____.com Blessed and wishing you the best

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L.

answers from Charlotte on

If you still want the marriage to work, the book "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Chapman might really help you. Also, would your husband be willing to go for counseling? My guess is that his relationship with this other woman is just an escape from reality - a way to deal with "boredom" as he says. A long distance relationship has nothing to do with reality. They don't have bills, aren't trying to raise children together, don't have to face each other day-in and day-out, etc. I hope you get my point. I'm guessing it would evaporate as soon as it had to face the light of day. The problem is really with your husband and with the dynamics of your marriage. I hope the book helps you. I will pray for you. Blessings.

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V.M.

answers from Memphis on

Dear A.,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation...it does not sound good w/the husband hiding the money and refusing to give you any help...I would first suggest counseling w/a pastor or a professional...You guys have major problems: secrecy/friends, money issues, control issues, who responsibe for what bills...please seek some professional help....even free advise from some one older or a church member...stay prayerful...I would also suggest you start saving every dime you make..only make necessary purchases...food and shelter..you may have to start planning for a new life with just you and the girls...I will pray for you...

V.Mitchell

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C.D.

answers from Chattanooga on

I wish I had some sage advice for you. If he's being dishonest,which it sounds like he is, as well as being unsupportive, which it sounds like he is, then you need to do something major. In my mind, corresponding with another woman in private is a form of adultery. Stand up for yourself...tell him how you feel and let him know that this is unacceptable behavior. Faithfulness in a marriage is key, and it doesn't sound like he cares about that. I'm not saying to divorce, but it sounds like he needs a wake up call, and you need to be happy.

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K.L.

answers from Charlotte on

If you are near his base or know how to get in touch with his Commanding Officer I suggest that you do so and let him know what is going on. My brother is in the Navy and he said that they do not like it when a service member is not taking care of his family properly. I remember him telling me about having to sit down one of his men and have a talk with him about taking care of his family. I know when my husband's sister divorced her husband because of terrible things he was doing to his family, the service made sure she got child support and she got half of his pension too. I would definately talk to someone. There must be some kind of family liason within the Marines you can talk to. Good luck.

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B.P.

answers from Jacksonville on

Dear A.,

Unfortunately for you, this guy is not much of a husband. I agree with the other ladies about going to his command is he is active duty. Adultery is still a punishable offense in the military, and this sounds like what is going on. The command will also not look kindly on him shirking his financial responsibilities to his family. If you feel uncomfortable about going to his CO, consider talking with the command chaplain. These guys are usually able to intervene for you and get you headed in the right direction.

If he is retired, you will probably need a lawyer to make him live up to his responsibilities. I would get one anyway and divorce him. No one should have to live in a marriage like that. I know the idea of starting over is scary, but the idea of growing older with this guy under these intolerable conditions should be scarier!

Put your responsibility to your daughters first and realize that this is horribly unfair to them. You owe it to your kids to make this guy live up to his financial responsibilities. Any guy who considers being with his kids as "babysitting" is not up for Father of The Year!

Good luck to you, honey. I will keep you in my prayers.

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R.A.

answers from Jackson on

I believe that my husband is the head of my home and should make the decisions with some discussions with me but his say is the last on the matter.

In your situation I have mixed opinions, first, it seems like he does view you as equal or that he feels like he should not help raise his children. I think if you have a Pastor that you need to discuss this with him, if not I think prayer would be best. If you need someone to talk with, let me know, I can recommend or just listen myself.

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M.A.

answers from Hickory on

First of all, what does he pay for every month? Truthfully I can understand if you want to have separate credit cards, but you do need a joint bill account where each person contributes to the bills every month. As far as his retirement, he can hide it all he wants to you still get 1/2. When I say 1/2 meaning if he is not willing to share information with you and is hiding a "friend" then you need to get yourself set financially. I have a feeling there is more going on here than meets the eye. I also can understand why you are still there, that is a comfort zone for you, it is hard to break that. BUT if you can set yourself financially, leave him (if you choose), you do get 1/2 of his retirement. I suggest you see a lawyer, he can go over all possible outcomes. Good Luck, I have been in your shoes, and I am proud to say that I escaped, and though it was extremely tough, I am so much happier.

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T.A.

answers from Louisville on

I hate to say it but your husband is having an affair, regardless if it is emotional or physical. Start doing a little investigation. You must be getting bank statements. Hire a lawyer, quickly before he takes his cash and puts it away somewhere where you and no one else can find it. Luckily most laws require that if a couple divorces that the 401 K's are split 50/50. Don't wait for him to leave you holding the bag. Oh yea, most laws also require him to pay 1/2 the credit cards. I know the D word is difficult, and if you would like to try do so only if he will seek counseling with you, otherwise, get out while you can.

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R.H.

answers from Raleigh on

You both need to be on the same page about finances as well as your roles in marriage. Sounds like you both could use some good counseling. If you are Christians, I suggest asking your pastor. If not, the military makes counselors available, since being in the military is highly stressful anyway. You sound like you are on the verge of divorce, and the money issue is a biggie. Examine your own spending habits, too. Is there a reason why he is withholding financial information? Or is he just cheap?
He may not deserve it, but treat him with respect at all times. Men generally respond in more loving ways when you do that. Sorry for your trouble.
R.

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A.W.

answers from Nashville on

I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I would suggest marriage councelling if wants to stay together. I doubt if he will be ok with that idea. I know men of any branch of the military are bull headed.(please dont think I am disrespecting the military in anyway) I personally would not want to stay in a marriage if there were lies & no open communicaton. (I've done that once) After 20 years you should get spouse support and child support. I would try and hire a private investigator as well. Of course that wont be cheap. Maybe someone can recommend one in your area.
My heart goes out to you for having to deal with something like this on top of 2 kids, work, and just daily life. You may just want to go see a councelor for yourself, they may be able to help.

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K.S.

answers from Huntington on

Are you and your husband still married and together? If so, the military doesn't look favorably on those who don't support their families, esp. since they are getting extra income b/c of them. You might tell him that if the situation doesn't change, you'll go to his CO, the base chaplain, or a base marriage counselor.

Was he withholding his income from you before starting contact with this "old friend", or has it started since?

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A.S.

answers from Charleston on

Go to his command honey and get them to give you the money that he gets for you and your daughter. He is not allowed to withold money from you when you need to take care of things. Yes I would wonder why you are still with him in the first place but that is your business not ours. You can go to legal and get a legal aid rep to help you out finding where his money goes and how you can get it.

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A.W.

answers from Memphis on

Not babysit? Those are his kids too, you need to focus on yourself and daughters and decide what to do in the future and prepare your self financially.

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V.R.

answers from Knoxville on

A.,
Honey, he doesn't deserve you! Get yourself a lawyer!! Make sure those girls are taken care of!! Don't be afraid to ask for help from family or church friends, raise your head high and be the better person! Be blessed, V.

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C.G.

answers from Nashville on

You've gotten some really good responses and advice. I would just add that, as a single mom who is recently divorced, life is too short to live it miserably; and your children will live the example which is set before them. I have learned the hard way that it is much better for you and your girls to be happy alone than to be miserable with someone. No one should make you doubt your own self-worth.

I am fully aware of the fear of starting over. It wasn't my decision to end my 11 year marriage, but it was the best thing for all of us. It was a very ugly divorce & custody battle, but I firmly believe, that, being on this side, my life and my daughter's life will be better for it.

1. Go with your gut. It's the best internal defense mechanism you've got. If it's telling you something isn't right, you'd better listen to it.
2. Make sure you consult a GOOD DIVORCE attorney. Most should offer a free consultation. Also, you can call 888-729-3391 for free legal advice. They may also be able to direct you to a really good attorney. I didn't have a good one & I got screwed.
3. Counselling, counselling, counselling!!! Regardless of which direction your marriage goes, you need someone to talk to. I'm a much stronger person now than I have ever been & it's because I had a really good therapist who has helped me see my self-worth and find my own inner-strength.
4. You have an obligation to your girls to raise them to be the healthiest, strongest, best women they can be. If you can't nurture them to be emotionally healthy in the invironment you're in, change it. Your daughters' families depend on how they are raised. If you don't want history to repeat itself, don't enable it. If they watch you be victimized, they learn that this is their role as women. It'a alot harder to unlearn a behavior, so try to fix it now.

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M.B.

answers from Memphis on

When you are married you are married. He should be responsible for those two children, why he is not helping you out financially I do not know. Maybe its time for a shocking wake up call to him. See a lawyer, he will have to disclose in a divorce hearing for child support, etc. If you do stay in the marriage, see a marine chaplain for guidance. For him to say he will not babysit for his children says the motherload to me. Do yourself a favor, see a chaplain, and then a lawyer. You deserve better than this. If he is hiding his money, what else is he hiding.
M.

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G.C.

answers from Louisville on

you said your husband is a marine and you have been married 20 years. marines are taught to not even abandon there dead buddies. he has almost abandoned you and your children. ask him about the marine semper-fi meaning that they use, it means (always faithful). sounds like you have a dud!!! you could be misserable by yourself.
tell him to shape up or ship out. then the court will get the money you need. marines are not taught to treat people that way.like i said you must have a dud.

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J.R.

answers from Asheville on

A.,
I was married to a man for almost 18 years. He and I had 4 kids. He was always, a jealous man, but I finally caught that he was unfaithful. Our money situation was always tight. I could never be in complete control, paying bills. Even with 4 kids, I left him. I thought I could be poor and unhappy, alone, or with him. I decided, life could be hard, but I chose to do it alone. Unfortunately, I don't have my kids, but I'm working on that.
Talk to your husband, and let him know that his behavior isn't exceptable, nor would that behavior be exceptable from you. If he shows you that he is sorry, and can make things correct, give it time. I hope it works for you.
I hope all goes better for you, than did for me. I wish you well. Good Luck!
Your Happiness is important!
J.

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A.M.

answers from Raleigh on

How old are your daughters If they are under 18 than you qualify for child support. Also you need to have faith in yourself and know that you can do things for yourself. Hello, your husband has been having an affair for a long time. What makes you stay? Is it the familiarity or do you really love him enough to try and make things work. Good luck. A.

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K.B.

answers from Raleigh on

A.,

You and your husband have been married for 20 years and have 2 children--this makes your situation alot more complicated and I can understand why you don't know what to do.

I think most women (especially those who haven't been married, or married for a long time, or those who don't have children with their husbands) would ask what in the world you're still doing with a man that expects you to take care of the children, the home, AND it sounds like all the finances, including making sure your kids have food to eat, while he is quite possibly having a long-time affair with another woman, and doesn't contribute to the family.

I think that's the question that you really need to ask yourself. What in the world are you still doing with that man? In this situtation, you have to weigh the costs and the benefits of staying together and working it out, or cutting your losses. How are your children doing in this situtation? How would they do outside of that situation? Does his love for his children (assuming that is the case), and your love for him outweigh is outright disrespect for you?

In my opinion, if a man is going to be a husband and a father, then he should act like these things are important to him--this includes sharing the financial burden of the family, as well as keeping his romantic/sexual interests at home. I'd say if you want to work it out, then you need to make sure that he can make such a shift in his priorities, and keep them there.

Being a dedicated and faithful wife is one thing, but being disrespected and walked-upon is quite another. He needs to be well aware that you are equal to him as a partner in your marriage and in parenthood. We moved out of the caves a long time ago.

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S.S.

answers from Huntington on

i see a lot of good advice and get the phone number of this woman so when you do leave your lawyer can call her in she will havae be in court too. also find his money or you and your kids wont get anything, and then take him to the cleaners hunny. dont stay because of the kids and get as much info on him and this other woman as you can his family may even know what is going on so do not talk to them.they will tell him what you are doing, and be careful he is a service man.

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C.F.

answers from Nashville on

Hello A.,

I truly feel your pain. I am not confused or wonder why you are still there. AS you can tell by the number of responses you got, this sort of thing is more common than one would think.

I hope you have a support system of some really good friends to help you. You need that. I will not even attempt to tell you what to do. I was in a bad marriage when I was younger and I knew what I really wanted to do for a long time, but felt I had no choices. But when I finally made the decision that I had the right to be happy and be in control of my financial future, I did it. My children were in elementary school and I went back to college and got a degree to do that. Not everyone can or wants to do that, so I am not advocating that you do it unless you believe it is the thing to do.

I will tell you this, I was single for 9 years after that marriage and dated A lot. I learned a great deal about men and I can tell you that 99% of men would not be just talking to someone in the situation you describe. And, from the selfish way you have described his actions toward you and money, I would bet he is just as selfish in every other way and is probably not very trustworthy.

I am an accountant and a certified financial advisor (not practicing either at this time), but can provide some insight into financial matters. If you ever think I can help you, please don't hesitate to reply and ask.

Good luck and remember that you are fabulous and you deserve a wonderful life in the next 30 - 40 years!

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T.S.

answers from Hickory on

A.,
Are you still living with your husband? And he is hiding money from you and allowing you to work two jobs for Christmas? This is not good. Whether you are living with him or separated.

You need to talk to a lawyer! Usually it's only about $30 to get an initial consult from a lawyer. But talking to one let's you know what your rights are - it eliminates the "fear of the unknown." It will also send a strong message to your husband that you are not putting up with his games. Let's him know that you are serious about not be treated the way he treats you (and your children).

You have legal rights to his money. He HAS to give you money - alimony and child support - a letter from a lawyer will change that, and if he still refuses, a judge will order it.

I am very sorry - your poor heart must be so broken - but you can rise from these ashes. There are many, many women who've survived the same stuff.

Best wishes and prayers,
T.

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B.W.

answers from Nashville on

Hi A., I don't want to come off as judgemental but hopeful as someone who has been in a bad situation reaching out to someone else. You can do bad by yourself!! You don't need help from a part-time husband. I don't say that to say "Get a divorce" or anything like that, jsut saying that you need to look in yourself and see how much more you want to take. From the sounds of it you are handling the household by yourself anyway and no husband or father should ever look at spending time with his own children as "babysitting." You aren't babysitting when you come home and cook and clean for them, you are taking care of your responsibility! You sound like a good person and you deserve good in your life. Stay strong and keep the faith and if you are a spiritual person...PRAY!!! It will work out for the best if you pray about it!

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A.F.

answers from Chattanooga on

I'm not a therapist or any type of advisor, but I would think that if in your shoes I would return to my 2nd job and tell him if he doesn't want to "babysit" either pay for such&such bills or hire a babystitter to be a good father for him. Someone else reccommended "Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey...He teaches you how to eliminate your debt and set up your own savings/money market accounts for the future. I would put all of my efforts in stabilizing your "side" of the relationship. That way if the time comes and things aren't able to be worked out you will be able to support your daughters independently. As for military money, they are OBLIGATED to give you the extra income they receive for claiming married/family status. If he doesn't, he can lose rank, which means a lot of his income can be taken if he isn't supporting you or his other financial obligations. Keep yourself informed!!! Therapists, Lawyers, whoever you need to contact to help you protect your part of the family. AT ALL COSTS-spend less, buy generic, save save save & pay off debt!! If you end up salvaging your marriage and everything works out these efforts will help whatever direction your life goes, So why not right???

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K.H.

answers from Jacksonville on

As a Marine wife and an ex wife of a Marine. Reading your e-mail brought back a lot of memories. I went through the same thing. Back in the early 90's I found letters e mails and phone records. And medical records from right after he came home from overseas.. I probably don't have to tell you what was in there. I can tell you to leave and start over. It wont be easy I wont lie about that. But you can do it. I did it with 3 Kids. They were 6 mo. 2 yrs and 4 yrs. IF that is what you choose. I can give you advice on a lot of things but only you know what you are feeling and only you know what you want to do or even what you need to do. It took me a long time to get out of that relationship. Think of the girls and what is best for them. You have a choice to stay or go. They don't. And what is being in that situation and staying there going to do to them in the long run? You have to decide what to do. Nobody can do that for you. And it is a scary thought. But whats best for you and the kids. When all elsefails sit down and write a list of the pros and cons. I don't kinow if I was much help but I am here. Been there and done that....

Take care

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R.J.

answers from Nashville on

A.,
I can tell you that I feel for you being in this situation. I was in a similar marriage for 33 years, before I finally realized after my children were grown and married, and after the greater part of my life was wasted, that I was not going to live this way anymore. Unless he is willing to share things with you, be honest with you, share in the responsibilites with the kids, and make you a part of the finances of the household, and make a commitment to your marriage and keep it sacred, then what else is there to build on? Trust me, it doesn't get any easier. My ex husband was and is and always will be a control freak. A Know-it-all. I spent the better part of my life being unhappy and miserable.
I am not sure of your spiritual relationship with the Lord, but I can tell you that God can work things out for you. If you will seek Him and turn your life over to Him and trust Him, He will pull you out. Not sure what I would have done without Him through my hard times.
I am married now to a wonderful man, my soulmate, and in June will celebrate 2 years of marriage. We go to church and serve God, we never argue or fuss over money, (not that we have a lot, but God supplies our needs.)
A much different life than I lived before.
It's not fair to you, that you work full time and he is too selfish and not willing to help you out with the kids.
There is debt relief out there for credit cards.
Seek God in your life A., and when you pray, don't forget to pray for this man who you undoubtedly love (just as I loved mine)or you would not stay with him. Maybe you could even lead him to God.
Good luck and God bless!

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J.K.

answers from Johnson City on

My advice is to tell him to help or get out!! You can make it alone with your kids. I am a single mother and been like this for 4 years, its hard but you can make it!!!

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S.B.

answers from Charlotte on

Sounds like he needs to grown up.Let the phone, power, credit cards(his) be shut off or taken away.Let him see the bills and tell him that you can only pay so much.Tell him if he doesnt start helping what will happen.

Even if you dont know where his money is going..sounds to me its going to 'the other woman' or a private bank account.If/when he dies you are still intitled to it.Talk to YOUR credit cards and tell them you can only pay so much a month and do it.Getting your cards pay off and kept payed off will look good for your credit.Have him either taken off the cards or you so you dont have the debt.I myself would keep one for emergencies only or only use the amount you know that YOU can pay a month.At least you know you wont go hungry.If you have another job or one that you enjoy dont have him tell you what to do..quit or such..stay at it.'Hide' the money in your own bank account.Hate to say it but us woman need a bank account for our own money for the 'just in case'.That way you always have something.Been there so I know.

Hope this helps..
S. B

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C.J.

answers from Raleigh on

A.,

First of all if your husband is bored he needs to talk to you. No if, ands and buts. Secondly, you don't babysit your own kids. You need to know about his retirement, etc. If something happens to him, you need to know what you are entitled to at least for your children. Also, you have been married for over 10 years to a Marine. Find out what rights you have as far as medical insurance, etc. that you are entitled to. Do your research. What is he hiding? You also want to know if he has opened up any credit in your name. Why would he refuse to help out to pay food and electricity? You are his wife and you are the mother of his children. I would suggest you get some legal advice regarding your rights. A marriage is a partnership. A man should take care of his family. Sometimes we need to face the fact that we may have to start a new life on our own. I am not saying it will be easy, but life is short and every one has the right to be happy. Each state's laws regarding separation and divorce is different,so make sure you know your rights. If you feel like you cannot leave right now, start making plans, start putting a little money away for when you will be ready. Don't let the "right hand" know what the "left hand is doing." Remember you can do it, go to God!

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P.G.

answers from Lexington on

A.,
I think the first thing I would do is to find a good marriage counselor. If you are involved in a church, you might speak to your pastor or a counselor there. This sounds like much more than just a money issue. A marriage is supposed to be a team effort, and that inlcudes the finances. If he is not even willing to help you pay utilities, there is a huge problem. As your life partner, he should sit down with you and together you both have a right to know where all of the money is, where it goes, and what bills need to be paid. As far as the debt goes, I recommend reading "The Total Money Makover" by Dave Ramsey. I am a huge fan of his. He has very common-sense advice about money, debt, and marriage. He also has a call-in radio show and website (daveramsey.com). I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope this helps.

P.

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N.P.

answers from Raleigh on

First I have to ask are you still in love with your husband? I am not going to ask do you love because it 2 totally different things if you are in love with him I would say you need to include God in your marriage. He can fix any marriage.

If you are not in love with your husband I would say move on. You are only 42 and you should not live an unhappy life for the rest of your life. If your husband does not want to help you with the bills and he is still seeing this woman it is time for you or him to leave the house.

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S.H.

answers from Raleigh on

First step I would take is hire a private investigator. To save money you m may want to consider someone in the California area wher he is going on his "business trips" and where she lives. Then you will know the truth. I too found some evidens of mis conduct once during a separation and was counceled to hire an investigator, I did not and now I wish I had. I know now he was fooling around and I was too trusting after 25 years to believe his lies. So see about hiring an investigator or have his phone taped. I guess that is illegal, but I wish I had done it anyway.
You must practice tough love, tell him to stop talking to her or he moves out. He cannot have it both ways. Also, do not tell him you are finding his emails and phone records. Keeop it to yourself so you can catch him in his lies and have some concrete evidence to work with.

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J.H.

answers from Memphis on

A. when you are married you are marrying your best friend. It looks like he has found a friend in someone else and that is not good. Why does he have his money going somewhere else? Do he trust you with finances? I am not a counselor but it seems like something is going on other than conversations. You really need to seek some spiritual marriage counseling before you find yourself worst off than what you already are. Another thing, why are you working a second job, he should be the head provider. Please seek counseling before it is too late. Be an example for your girls, so they will not make the same mistake.

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M.H.

answers from Raleigh on

Like all the other responses I would advice that you get out now.It's the best for you and the kids. If your worried about debt check out the Dave Ramsey program. He has a radio show and a TV show. Look him up on-line. www.daveramsey.com.
We lost a business and went under $75,000. Going on the Dave Ramsey program we didn't have to file bankruptcy.
You can make it on your own!!! Most people stay in a bad relationship due to money.

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P.M.

answers from Fayetteville on

hEY I JUST WANTED TO SAY THINK ABOUT YOUR LITTLE GRILS, DONT GIVE THEM AN EXAMPLE THAT U DONT WANT THEM TO BE WHEN THEY GET OLDER. TRY TO GET HIM OUT OR TALK, ITS OBVOIUS HE HAS AN AFFAIR, AND ITS UNDERSTANDABLE YOU HVA ESOEM KIND OF LOVE HE IS THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN BUT YOU NEED TO LET HIM GO U DESERVE BETTER. ABOUT THE MONEY YEA U DO NEED TO CALL JAG SETUP ANBRING PROOF OF THE STUFF YOU GOT AND FILE CHILD SUPPPORT, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, AND ITS TOUGH BUT IT CANTGET ANY WORSE LOOK UP TO URE DAUGHTERS

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G.M.

answers from Wilmington on

He is not giving you a dime,kick his but to the curb.Sounds to me like you are doing things just on your own anyway.Let her have him,worry about those kids not him.You don't have the upper hand,it is time to get it!

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A.R.

answers from Chattanooga on

If he doesn't pay money and doesn't want to watch the kids, then you need to seriously consider divorcing him. Things aren't going to change. You need to think about your kids now. If he letting you ride your own debt and isn't helping to pay the bills then regardless of what happened or didn't happen with the other woman, he is not a partner in this marriage and is not acting like someone who wants to be married. After all these years, you are entitled to at least 40% of everything. With you working so much you should be able to stand on your own two feet easily enough. I mean really, he isn't helping you so aren't you more or less prepared to be without him? I know you love him and I hate to say this, but so many military couples that are married for many years end up splitting up because the military changes people. In every way. Sometimes it's for the worse when it comes to the family and I have to say that this might be what has happened in your case. I would suggest getting your legal counsel set and papers set to serve and THEN going to talk to his commanding officer. If you go to his commanding officer first and he finds out before hand then he can take actions that would be bad for you. Think hard on this. You should be in a relationship to build a life and it is a partnership where the both of you are working toward a mutual goal. He is not a part of that and thus that is not a marriage. I hope that you find some way to get through this and be happy, not just content. I am sorry that things have come to this. I know how hard it is. Message me if you want someone to talk to. Everything I have said is here is just suggestions and I am not going to judge you or tell you what to do. With the limited information I have been given, that is how an outsider sees it. Good luck.

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A.S.

answers from Charleston on

i just wanted to say that its never easy to be in your shoes... i had a boyfriend like that many years age... and it sucked... i told him to get lost... but see im not the sit at home and wait type.... several times i actually confronted people .... and once i went to the other girlfriends house cause i was soo mad.... id be finding me a lawyer and an equalizer(aka a baseball bat or a castiron skillet) and id also go to his co.... my sister did that... but afterwards id make sure i could protect myself and my kids... i'd send them for a visit somewhere and then i'd confront him... and if you can the girlfriend too..but remember to be careful... like someone else said sometimes instinct kicks in maybe you should have a friend or family member with you if you confront him... that way he might be less likely to get aggressive.

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