The Birds and the Bees

Dear Heather, Yes, your son is old enough to wonder alot of things, the older he gets, the more the questions will come. You need to decide, do
you want to answer his questions, telling him the truth and him believing you and trusting that you will always tell him the truth, or do you want the rest of the world to tell him, knowing that they may tell him a lie or confuse him more? Talking with children about the birds and bees, alcohol, smoking, preditors and drugs, should be done at an early age and many, many more times through out their years with you. It's like when you tell him over and over again not to do something, it takes them a little while to learn right from wrong from you repeating yourself. As it will take time for him to learn and understand about you being married and his father was your first husband and his sister's father is his step-father. Personally, after explaining this to him, tell him, that if he wants to, he can call your new husband "dad"too. Instead of keeping your new family seperate with step this and that or half this and that, teach your children to appreciate each other as a full family and stop with the step or half. If your ex isn't around much, when he
gets the message from your son, most likely, that he is not the only one being called "dad", maybe he might come around more and act like
your son's father. But for now, you have a daughter, a husband and a son, sounds like a great family, it's up to you, to make it that way. Explain it all to your son, I am sure he will appreciate the time and honesty you show to him now and later. You and he will both
have a better relationship down the line too, if you tell him the truth now, while he is young, you never know if you can do it later, the present is always best. Also, I have raised two children myself and they have both appreciated my honesty with them and come to me often when they are confused and need advice. Many of their friends have too. I read the minister of children views and must agree on one thing, answering only the question they ask is true in alot of things, especially if they choose an inapproperate time and place to ask. But after answering their questions, ask them if they have any other questions along that subject, open the discussion up to show that you are paying attention and want to be there for your son and for your daughter when she asks. This is a bond that will help you and them later on too. Let your children tell you that they are done with the subject at hand by telling you so, when you ask them if they have anything else to ask. Let them feel secure in knowing that if they have other questions, that you will be there for them to answer them and truthfully, that is really important, let them know that you would never lie to them. Lies will only lead to insecurities in the mother-children relationship. I hope this has helped some. Actually, you know your children and are living your life better than anyone else, so hopefully, you will gather all this information you recieve, evaluate it and come to something that is comfortable for you and your family. Books for you and the children do help alot too. Good luck.

Hi, Heather!

I was 13, yes, 13!!!! When my Mom decided to 'tell', it was devastating!!! I am so glad your child asked now before someone ELSE told him! I agree if he is old enough to ask then he is old enough to be told. BRIEF is the word here, I don't think he is asking about sex, but a quick answer to that should be OK. I think your husband handled the situation beautifully.

As to the 'OTHER' parents @ school, who gives a FLYING FLIP what THEY think or think they know??? This is 2008 not 1930 and it isn't their concern, I'm sure they have dust bunnies under their beds too!!!

Relax, I think you have an intelligent young man who is hurting a little right now. Honesty will heal his wounds as much as the love of a good man did yours and will continue to do so for him.

Best, A.

I don't think it's the time yet to tell him where babies come from just based on that question he asked. He wasn't asking how he came into this world- just where his 2 dads fit into the equation. I grew up like your son- my mom remarried when I was a preschooler and my biological dad was full of empty promises and not being around enough. My sister and I asked my step dad to be our dad and he tried but my biological dad wouldn't allow him to adopt us. Knowing where babies come from had nothing to do with my relationship with those 2 men. Without explaining the biology behind it, you can let him know that your ex is his "biological dad"-- it takes a man and a woman to make a baby so he was his father first, then you split up (I'm quite sure there are plenty of other kids in his class who have single parents or step parents) and were lucky/blessed to meet your current husband who loved you enough to take your son into his heart and raise him with you. When I was growing up, my mom was very careful to hide her frustrations about my biological dad so my sister and I could form our own opinions of him. I had a rocky relationship with him throughout my life, but I decided when I had kids of my own to let him into our lives and I'm glad for all of us that I did

I have a great book for you to read to your child about the dreaded birds and bees and growing up. It's called First Comes Love. ALl about the birds & the bees - and alligators, possums and people too. by Jennifer Davis Illustrated by Clare Mackie.
The IBSN for the book stores is 0-7611-2244-3 $10.95 us dollars. It is the best book and answers all questions. My daughter is 7 years old now and it was easy to read and talk to her about. Let me know how it works out for you. ____@____.com

You can check out the book series Miracle of Creation (fm library, used source or www.sciencepartners.net at retail for non students where I first came across them). The first book is Why Do Plants Grow by Susan Homer, Why Do Birds Builds Nests then What is God's Design for My Body (by same author). I have not had a problem as we have chickens and other animals and the subject comes up natural in a practical way. Plus we homeschool so I do not have worry about what others think or peer pressure which has paid off for our adult child and two teenagers (baby adults I call them as they sleep a lot, talk a lot normally, teething--lose '12 year' molars & can make decisions that affect the rest of their lives). We have seven, 20 to 5 yrs old--2 girls & 5 boys. One time I read an useful article about what city slickers (born one) can do to explain sex naturally as possible from newsletter at www.nogreaterjoy.org but do not remember its date offhand. By the way, when our oldest was four, in physically close neighborhhod, we lived two doors down super slob neighbors who had a registered sex offender (his own three daughters) that regularly visited them. So we (& other neighbors to their children) had to explain sex ed appropiate for her age, safety rules and the issue simply. Fear is not a bad thing when used correctly (& appropiate age info) because naivity is a bad thing and when they hit teens and college well the details they are exposed to (home schooled or not) are graphic. I do not blush and keep stride. At least we talk while they are under our roof all the different issues including sex and all its related subjects. Hope info helps.

Smiles,
N.

I'm a step-mom and hate for the day that my step-daughter asks me why I'm not her biological mom even though she doesn't know it at the moment. I'm currently pregnant and my 4 year old asked how the baby got inside my tummy. I told her that daddy put the baby in my tummy. Then her next question was who gave the baby to daddy and I told her God gave it to him. This seemed to satisfy her for the moment and when we go to tell her when she's older how the birds and the bees work we wouldn't have lied. I agree with you that 7 is too young to be telling them the whole truth. I believe that a child should be told about the birds and bees when puberty starts to hit. About 11 or 12. I was told in the fifth grade, but then I had to sit down and watch a video for that. Hope this helps out and good luck!

i gave my daughter age approtpriate answers to her questions. i didn't go into great detail yet at the same time i didn't hide things from her either. when asked where she came from she came outta mommy's tummy. i had C-Sections with all 3. now at 10 she knows babies can also come from our private area as well. she thought it was gross but was ok with it. by 9 i had completed puberty and was freaked because i was bleeding and don't want her to have those same issues sice she is a early bloomer and puberty is starting for her. she now refers to her bio-dad and her biological father. she is learning that the man who loves you and raises you is a dad the man who gave his dna is a father. your son will come to realize things as he is older. just explain in simple terms and let it go. thats what i did. i wouldn't slam your ex to him but just explain that he is blessed to have 2 dads :)

Hi Heather,

I'm a children's minister and often counsel with children. One of the first things we learned in counselling 101 was to only answer the question the child asks. It is not necessary to ellaborate. It's best to give too little information than too much. If it is too little the child will continue to ask questions. With that said, you did an excellent job answering your son. If that was/is not a satisfactory answer you can bet he will figure out how to ask another question that will quench his curiosity. I think it's also wonderful that your husband is taking the time to express his feelings toward your son so that your son feels loved regardless of blood relation. A positive male figure is SO important, especially in teaching boys how to express feelings.

As for the birds and the bees . . . it's difficult these days to know when the right time for that chat since children are being exposed to so many different things earlier and earlier in life. There is a series of books that could help with this discussion called God's Design for Sex. Book 1 is titled, "The Story of Me" for ages 3 to 5. Book 2 is "Before I was Born" for ages 5 to 8. Book 3 is "What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex" for ages 8 to 11. And book 4 is Facing the Facts: The truth About Sex and You" for ages 11 to 14. Even though your son is 7 I would start with book 1 to lay the foundations. After that move on to book 2. Before reading with your son, be sure to read the book in advance yourself. This way you will know what to expect as you read it with your son.

If nothing else your son will understand he was conceived from love between you and his father. It is difficult for a 7 year old to understand why adults don't stay together and they often imagine that it was their fault. My husband's parents divorced when he was 4 and he was 40 when his mom finally told him that it was not his fault. He lived with this thought for a LONG time because the divorce was never discussed, his father was never talked about and when he visited his father at age 11 he was ignored. As long as you and his step father continue to show your son love, are open and willing to discuss his questions and address his needs he will feel secure. If his biological father is less than faithful that might be an issue of misunderstanding that you end up discussing with your son if his bio father doesn't or is unwilling to do so.

I'll pray that God gives you the wisdom to understand your son's needs and the ability to answer whatever questions come your way.

Tell him the truth. What other parents teach their kids is on them. Who cares what the think or how they feel, they can't tell you how or when to talk to your child about the birds and the bees. Like you said the other reading told you if your child is old enough to ask then they are old enough to know. I know there are some books on how to talk to your kids about the brds and the bees if you are uncomfortable about talking about it.

i think you did the right thing. tell him sometimes when people are married and love each other they have a special relationship and they create a special person together out of that love and he is that special person. later whenhe is older tell him more but not yet.
but yes you can tell him that your hubby now is his dad in the sence that he is the one who is there for him and that he loves him just like he loves the child he made.
if you are a christian maybe you could talk to him about how we are all adopted children of God, that once we were saved we became God's adopted children because God chose us. and that when two people have children they do not have a choice of a boy or girl it is not a choice. but that your hubby choose to want to be his father and that is special.something on that line--i do not know.good luck hope something in here helps you.

If he is old enough to ask he is old enough to teell him the simple truth, It takes two pqart to make a baby i gave my half and your dad gave half. Then since Dad and I couldn't get along were separated. I married your step dad. Again he gave half and so did I and you sister was made, It is all true but sex was never mentioned.

Hi H., nice name by the way! My daughter is eight and I got pregnant with her brother when she was five, we chose to envolve her in most of the language but all of the experience of her brother. She went with me to all the doctor appointments, sonograms, and even the bloodwork. We told her that Mommy and Daddy love each other in a way that a special gift came from that love...her brother. She didn't ask any more questions until the day I went for my induction. She asked if it hurt and how long it would take. She ended up staying in the room the whole time and even helped her Daddy cut little baby brothers cord. They are VERY close and I think that was the best experience for her. I feel it is up to us to inform our children of sex and the pros and cons of it. You should start when you feel he is ready to hear it. The best thing to do is answer his questions frankly and honestly. The worst feeling is to think that his friends are teaching him about sex. BE CLINICAL!!! If you ever are in a situation where he is being mistreated you want him to come to YOU first not to someone else. Don't let him feel that you are embarrassed with this discussion. The more open you are with your kids the more comfortable they will be talking to you about the tough stuff they will go through. I know what you're going through with the girl and it only gets worse as they get older! :) I hope that what I'm saying helps, I know what it's like to not be listened to. So just listen to them and be honest. Good luck and much love!!!

When my daughter was 5yrs. old her dad committed suicide. We had never been married and he lived in another state but he had come to visit before it happened and so he was fresh in her mind. Before he died he was a very "absent" father. I had a serious boyfriend at the time whom I later married that my daughter considers her "Dad." We also now have two little girls together and my daughter told me she never views them as her "step-sisters" they are just her "sisters" and my husband is her "dad."

She is now 18 years old so I experienced a ton of difficult "dad" and "death/suicide" questions starting at 3 years old and going on up! The advice I received from all the councilors we saw was this:

Always tell a child the truth. Do not ever hide things from them because it will create distrust issues and there will be far more side effects from that. Your child needs to learn from an early age that if they have questions they can get the answers from you. If they are asking it means they need to know the answers to their questions. Even if those answers make you uncomfortable.

However, this does not mean you give them all the gory details! The advice I was given is that you answer their question as simply and honestly as you can without giving too much detail.

Nine times out of ten it works. Then later maybe a week or month or year, they will come to you and ask you for more details. I don't think that 7 is too young to tell them about how they got here! Believe me in this day and age he will shock you with what they learn from other kids at school. Even at such a young age.

I would give a very basic answer like "When you love someone, you get married and you have a baby with them. That is how you get a mom and dad when you are little" Then explain that a dad is also a person that loves and cares for a baby or child and that a "family" is made up of all the people that love you and care for you, like grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles, etc. And that your husband is just another "dad" because he married you and loves and takes care of all of you."

That might be enough. But if he keeps pressing for details, you ask questions to get an idea of what details he is looking for and then you supply a simple answer. I kind of doubt that is what he is after though. I have a five year old too-I think he is more just trying to understand the dynamics of his family and having "two dads"

But you might have to tell him more than you are comfortable doing. There are some good books at the bookstore you can get that will help you explain too! I recommend you get one now so you are ready just in case that is what he is pushing to find out!

My experience has been that having a "blended family" is one of the most difficult things you can do! It creates a whole set of family dynamics that are difficult to address at times. Here is a website that I used a lot. You might not need it now but as you kids get a little bigger I bet you will find the advice on there very useful for yourself and your husband!

www.successfulstepfamilies.com

Good luck!

I think your son needs to know that his Daddy (the one who takes care of him) is your husband and that his Father is the man who made him. You can tell him it takes a man and woman to make a baby and that when he was born you were married to his Father, you don't have to tell him how it happens. But his Daddy is the one he can count on to be there for him. If he still persists then you can tell him, or buy a good book written for his age. Seven is not too young to be thinking about these things.

I'm a grandma and retired school teacher...I've gone thru this many times.

Hi Heather! Just my humble opinion, ok? When I was 8, my parents gave me two books titled What's Happening to Me? and Where Did I Come From? After they gave me the books to read (written on a child's level, but using the correct terminology), they assured me that I could always ask them anything I wanted to know.

Having said that, I think that as the parent(s), it is up to you to determine when your child(ren) are ready to have 'the talk.' I think it is a matter of maturity -- your son had enough sense to ask you; I think that says something about his level of maturity in getting an answer. Because he is a thinker, as you stated, I would give him as simple of an answer as you can, and let him ask you more questions, if necessary.

I think that as long as you keep your responses or explanation simple (as much as you can), you won't offend any parents of your son's classmates (smile).

I have always appreciated that my parents gave me that information well in advance of me being exposed to anything related to sex or before I started experiencing puberty. When things started happening, I was not afraid or embarassed to talk to my mom. Of course, this is me being a female child, as opposed to a son.....maybe you could also ask your husband (if you haven't already) what his parents told him when he started asking questions....?

I hope this helps. Good luck.

Hi Heather,
Just my opinion (and I'm a single Mom by choice who used a friend who is in our lives as a donor - so I have some tough questions coming up soon, as does he)... if you feel badly or have a particular feeling about how your son came to be, then WE are the ones who teach them to feel that way about it. If we do not feel that there's anything wrong or shameful or deviant or whatever with a blended, extended or any other term kind of 21st century family, they won't either. The key is to be truthful AND age appropriate at all times. While I understand he caught you offguard, I doubt he understands the word "pregnant." I would have said, because he helped Mommy make you into a baby. Especially if you don't want to get into birds & bees details. Similarly, everything I've read says to calls things by their proper names (use uterus or womb, instead of belly, so kids dont' get confused about what they eat and a baby being made that way!) but keep it simple, don't give more information than they need or ask for and by all means, keep it age appropriate. My daughter is only 31 months... but has already asked me where her "Daddy" is... now this is tricky, but b/c of my situation, I had thought this through ahead of time. She's in daycare and sees her friends' Dads, so she knows she does not have one of those. I told her that she has a father, someone very special who helped God & Mommy make her. I also said that Mommy wanted her so much that couldn't wait for the right Daddy to come first, so she and I would find one together. No point getting into donors, medical terms, etc. Sometimes that just scares them. But the point was to make her feel very comfortable about all families, even our odd little one and to accept all the other kinds she bumps into in life (two mommies, two daddies, single moms/dads, brady bunches and blended families, etc.). Hope this helps.

Remember... if you don't give your son the impression that there's anything different or wrong with his bio father, he won't assume that. He's just curious. Make him feel special, not abandoned by that man. Make him feel chosen by his Daddy now and also by that man who helped you make him. Call your son the gift that he is to YOU and tell him about it that way instead of feeling badly or guilty that your husband isn't his biological father. Make him feel special that he has TWO Dads and twice the love!

Again, hope this helps in some way, I've just read a lot on the subject, b/c I'm trying to be prepared for those hard questions myself.

Have a good night,
K.

I would tell him...

Your daddy and I wanted to have a baby, so we had you. I love you and he loves you. So does your step-dad.

I don't really think this is a sexual question (meaning explaining the birds/bees).

I actually think your son is noticing that HIS dad isn't spending time with him. He isn't being a DAD in your sons definition of a dad.

Ask your son what he thinks a dad is. How a dad should behave. Once you know that then you can answer a few other questions he has.

For example: if your son says "a dad spends time with his son and plays baseball with him"....then you can say "you want your dad to spend more time with you? play baseball with you?" Once you have the info you need.

The next time babydaddy flakes out on a commitment tell HIM that HE will have to explain it to your son. That you will no longer tell your son that daddy isn't coming.

With your son, you can tell him to call his dad and dial the number for him when he wants to talk to dad. He is only 7 and lets face it...all men won't remember to talk to their kid. But this way, your sons sees that Mommy is doing what a Mommy does.

As for your new H. He should make sure that he remains in the stepdad role as your son is already confused regarding his real dad. Just have your H tell your son (like he has) that he loves him just the same as your daughter...but that he (the son) does another dad. and how wonderful it is to have two, even if he doesn't see real daddy that much.

It is very important to get him to talk about this now because since he is a thinker he will internalize that somehow it is his fault that real daddy doesn't want him.

Many blessings. I don't think this is "sex" question at all.

Heather,

At this age, less is more. The more you tell him, the more confused he will be.
Simply saying that you and his dad used to be together, but that you and he could not agree on a lot of things that husbands and wives really need to agree on and that while you were together, you had him. And then it was decided that he would stay with you because you couldn't bare the thought of being without him. And then saying that you met a man (his stepdad) and that you and he agree on the important things that husbands and wives should agree on. But that his stepdad loves him and considers him to be his son too. And that he will always be there since you've both made a committment to stay together forever.
And that's all that you need to really say at this point. When he has more questions, I would address them as they come up.

I have to agree a 7 yr old doesn't need to know the details. I would explain to him something. I would tell him that it takes a piece of his mommy and his daddy to make him. That is why his daddy is his daddy. Maybe you can find a better way to word that. I would also say that your husband is his father. I would even eliminate the step father title. My neice is almost 8 yrs old and she refers to my sister in laws new husband as "dad" not step dad. Her father is also in and out of her life and full of empty promises too.