Terrible Two's Start Early

First, every child will throw tantrums, this is normal, but it sounds like you want to try and change how you deal with them. Kids are smart and they feed off how patents or care givers react in a situation and they do learn to behave differently with different people. It is primarily due to the expectations and consequences the person has repeatedly communicated/shown the child. The fact that she primarily does this to you and in public may indicate that she’s caught on that she’s in control in those situations.

The best thing is for you to decide how you will respond/react to various situations before they happen (of course you can’t anticipate everything but you have already identified some situations in the e-mail). Have a plan, be consistent, be firm, and follow through (easier said than done).

Below are some ideas based of what you wrote. I hope you find something helpful in it.

1) “She listens so well to her dad and everyone else, but for me it's like pulling teeth”:
Try and observe these interactions and see what they may do differently. Or, if you are comfortable, just ask them how they get her to do certain things.

2) “I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me as a bad parent….anytime we are in public and she throws these fits it's embarassing.”
Get over the embarrassment. No matter what you do at some time your child will have a melt down. They all do. Just have a plan of action and follow through with it (even if it isn’t convenient at the time). Having a plan will allow you to be more confident in your actions. My sister in law has been at a grocery store wheeled her cart up to an employee and asked them politely to please return the items as she needed to leave the store immediately (my niece was kicking and screaming at the time).

3) “I am a very attentive and loving mother”:
Of course you are and you can continue to be. Many people think you can’t be firm without being harsh. This isn’t true. Think of being firm as being factual. If you do x, y is going to happen and trust me, y had better happen or x will only get worse. Get down on their level and make eye contact (even if you need to gently hold their chin or cheeks to get them to look at you). Using a mom tone helps. Once again a mom tone doesn’t have to be harsh, just lower your voice and speak directly and concisely. I’m not a huge Dr. Phil fan, but he has some advice about this type of interaction that I agree with. He says that you should identify with your child by stating what they want but follow up with but you can’t have/do that. This way they know you understand why they are upset, but they learn to accept you are in charge. EX. Kid melts down in the store because they want a special box of cookies, parent should respond “You are upset aren’t you? You want those cookies don’t you? I’m sorry your upset but we still are not getting the cookies.”

4) “for me it's like pulling teeth to even ask her to walk with me out of a building”:
If it isn’t a choice don’t give her one. Children do need choices, but they more so need direction.
Replace “Would you” with “we need to”
Replace “Can you” with “we’re going to”

With consistency she’ll start to redefine the boundaries with you. This is soooo much easier written than put into action. Just remember the following

Have a plan, be consistent, be firm, and follow through
Practice it at home (stick to the plan)
Implement it in public (stick to the plan)

All the advice so far is everything that I would have said, especially being consistant!

I can empathize with you, we have someone going through terrible twos/threes and I'm the "outsider parent that isn't mommy". I know firsthand of what its like to have a child behave well for everyone else but me. It can downright suck to feel (or wonder) that somehow this child is purposely snubbing only you. Don't take it too personally.

Just remember that she's testing her boundaries. Whatever you allow her to get away with will become a foundation of what she will base her future behavior with you upon. This is your chance to teach her respect for rules, authority, and the importance of discipline.

Don't ever feel self concious about what others might think of you as a parent. You know that you're a good mom and that's what is important. I feel no shame or embarrassment if one of my children needs a reminder swat on the bum to mind behavior in public. I can remember well that it was equally embarrassing for me as a child to be spanked in public as it might have been for my own mother. Despite the crying that ensues, it was a good way to ensure that being out in public was not any different than being at home and was not a place where it was safe to really test the limits.

You are not a failure by any means. Its just a phase and you will survive. I know its a tough time, but remember she wants to be independent of you but still needs to depend on you, its confusing and sometimes a scary time. Be Consistant with her, if you get after her one time, then you must use the same punishment everytime. Try not to think somethings that will bother you later as cute the first time, because only one time of giggling will make her think its ok everytime (this one I struggle with myself, but if I turn away quickly enough, she doesnt see the smiles). Also remember you can talk to her, even if she doesnt talk the best right now. They have amazing understanding abilities, and you can reason with a two year old. I have made many bargains with mine, sometimes she doesnt hold up her end, but usually she wants to be rewarded, so she will listen. Good Luck and I hope some of this will help.

This will sounds odd, but you can take her behavior toward you as a compliment! Clearly she has developed a strong bond with you and is able to show all of her negative emotions because she has developed a strong attachment. Also, at her stage in development she is looking for "limits", and since you are her constant and primary source of caregiving, she will test them out on you.

Erickson's theories of child development characterize the "toddler" and "teenage" years as prime ages for independence. In both, the search for limits and boundaries is key.

I have heard it said that the child, in acting out, is asking "do you love me?" and will appreciate the firm and loving boundaries that you set.

Good luck!

Don't feel like a failure. Feel special. I know it sounds messed up. I have the same issue with my 6 year old step-daughter. Have consulted her therapist about it (she goes for other reasons). She said that children express their feelings (often loudly) with the person they feel most comfortable with. Your daughter is letting you have it because she knows that you love her most and she's safe with you.

It still sucks, but while she grows out of it and while you are (seemingly eternally) correcting her behaviour, keep that in mind and it may make you feel better.

My little cousin used to do the same thing. He'd be great all day for my mom and then when my cousin came, he'd throw the biggest fit.

My own kids have done this too and let me tell you, it's no fun. Maybe she is acting out because she knows it upsets you too much. Use time outs and be consistant. Our kids usually act the best for other people.

Try not to think of yourself as a bad mom. It doesn't sound like you are. If you're stern and use time outs, she'll learn really fast to behave. She's old enough to be told that when she throws a fit while leaving daycare, she'll have to be in time out when she gets home and then make her sit still for the two minutes.

Do you pick her up at the same time everyday? Maybe if you could call the daycare and tell your daughter over the phone that you are on your way and tell her to get ready, that might help. She could just not like to change tasks.

The same works at home. Put her in time out. She's testing your and her limits. Don't let her goad you into getting mad. That serves no purpose. Good Luck and remember be kind to yourself.

First of all the terrible twos are very awful. My daughter started around 18 months and gradually got better at 2 1/2 years. Now that she is nearing 3 she rarely has any tantrums. She was a terrible tantrum thrower too! So I would just say stop caring about what other people think that is probably the leverage she is using. You give into to her or become embarrased when others are looking. As for just acting that way with you, that is the way it is with the parent they are closer to. They know you will never stop loving them so they can let all their negative feelings out on you. I babysit my nephew and exactly the same thing happens when my sister-in-law walks into the door to get him. When his dad picks him up he walks right up to him. So I would say just hang in there, it's just a stage, keep using discipline when she has outbursts like revoking privileges. And just know that pretty soon you will have that sweet girl you want as she gets out of that stage.

I have 3 boys ages 6, 3 and 2. they are good for everyone else but once i get them home, its like a tornado hit with millions of different promblems and whining. Just so you know 3's are worse i think. they talk more and whine more and throw way more tatntrums sorry but thats just me. I have a inhome and i notice with 2 of my kids they throw tantrums as soon as there mom picks them up. I mean i have to walk them out just so they calm down. Your not a failure your child just probably like being around kids and now knowing they to have to go home sometime to. kids have fun with one each other so its just a matter of time and patience and the older your child gets the more they will understand that MOMMY'S ARE THE BEST NO MATTER WHAT. :) have a great week.

My daughter did the exact same thing. It showed me that she was comfortable testing out her behavior with me and that she knew how to act around other people. She's being rough on you, but she's doing well with others! That's a big step. You've obviously taught her well! Hang in there!

She's probably starting to learn that it's really fun to socialize with other kids. My dau. has an extreme stubborn streak and she very much wants to assert her opinion and choice. So if we're trying to leave somewhere and she starts to do that, I immediately stop and just say well mommmy is going to go for a ride in the van now and walk a few feet away or step just around the corner of the door. She almost always understands and decides for herself that she wants to go. sometimes i have to peak around and make sure she hears me say again "bye, bye, I'm leaving now"

I think the "terrible Two's" is more about asserting their independence and learning to make choices.