Teenagers? - Springfield,IL

The best way I had of learning more about my younger daughter after she quit being a chatterbox was often while she was sitting in the front seat of the car with me driving her places. I would chat a bit about nothing important, and she would start chatting... oh how nice that was! TRYING to get them to talk, in my experience, does NOT NOT NOT work. We had some conversations around the dinner table, as well (we always had sit down family dinners).

The relationship between the two sisters was very important. It got bad temporarily, but now it is back to the way it was, and they talk a lot to each other (and me... I guess there really is no keeping secrets from between the 3 of us - but they are adults).

Trust the relationship you have built before, and the relationships with her and the siblings. My biggest confidants at age 15 were actually my 12 year-old brother and my best friend... NOT my Mom, whom I loved, adored, and needed ( still do :-) ).

Hi S.-

I have 15 yo twins...(one 'typical'...one special needs). The typical one is 'quiet' as you have described...and she always has been I suppose...being the 'youngest'.

Lately, two things have happened. As part of a course requirement, she is volunteering at a national monument. I drive her there and back...just us...and we have had some wonderful chats! Also, as it is near christmas, I have been working on some of my 'hand made' items after everyone else is either asleep...or watching TV. She sneaks in...and as the sewing machine whizzes....or I am crocheting or knitting....she will chat...I LOVE it!

I think it is the 'idea' to her that I am alone with her...but not focused COMPLETELY ON her...ya know?? I can work 'mindlessly' and hear every word she says...and she somehow feels she isn't...IDK...somehow 'taking up my time'??

She really has opened up a LOT!!

Best Luck!
michele/cat

when my teen relatives would chat with me, they told me things that made me want to scream and go confront other parents. i kept calm and listened, then let their parents know who was providing alcohol and drugs in one case. then they could better protect them from bad choices.

This is pretty normal. I would recommend that you try to be the driver of the "girls" as much as you can be, even if the other moms could help you out with driving duty. You seem to learn about your daughter by doing this, so use it as a way to find out more about her.

If you can drive her by herself, that's a good time to be with her too. She is a "captive audience" and you two can talk. If she is doing driver's ed, that's time to spend with her too, and she can't play with her phone or put headphones on to drown you out, LOL!

Try to have mother/daughter trips together - mall, hair, etc. Even if you don't talk much about "stuff", she will know you are two gals together, mother and daughter. Look at it as an "investment" in your relationship, one that will reap benefits later on.

I did that with my high school senior (boy), taking him out for lunch, etc. I never knew what little conversations we would have. There were gold nuggets in a lot of chit-chat or dead space. The best one was when I drove him 16 hours to get to his new college. I told him that either he could read his college books for his new class that he was responsible for (they had reading assignments before walking into their first class) OR he could drive. That meant no headphones or playing games on his phone, btw. He would need to take eyeball breaks or brain breaks from the reading, and that's when we would talk. He drove some, but the driving was tedious and he didn't really want to. He talked about his girlfriend and his worries about that relationship while he was in college. I listened and then gave him my opinion. He seemed very grown up about it. I told him that too.

The point in telling you all this is that you have to give her the opportunities to tell you things. That is a "time thing". The more time you are together, the more chance you'll have, getting her to open up.

Good luck,
Dawn

Talk to her about nothing. Ask her about her friends' boyfriends and what her friends like. Ask her about what is the cool "it" thing to have. Like UGG boots, or the latest iPhone.
I go into my 16 yo's bedroom and just sit and chit-chat. Tell her a news-story that strikes you. The Duggar's 20th child, THe Lisa Irwin story, the Paterno scandal. Things from the mothers on here, like Riley's post on almost hitting the toddler. My daughter had all sorts of ideas for that one.
Take her out for some mom time. I go grocery shopping with my older one, the 14 yo hates it. I believe shopping gives 10 yo boys hives. :o)
Get a manicure for Thanksgiving.
Ask for her help then do what she suggests. I replaced all the light fixtures in our last house. I narrowed the choice to two kinds, she liked one better so I went with it.
You still need to be her mom, but now you also need to be her mentor and her ally with so many boys. She is coming into her own too. It will be rough, 16 has been rough, but I have been told it gets much better.

try to schedule some one on one time with her. even if it is 30 mins make time every few days. she may not want the rest of the fam to know her business.

I have 2 teen daughters. There are times when they tell me almost everything and there are other times when all I can get out of them is a one word answer to a question.

Unless you've noticed a major change in her behavior I wouldn't be concerned.

Don't try to push. Just ask very general questions to let her know that your very interested in her, her friends, and what's happening in her life. Try to schedule some one on one time with her.

Sounds normal to me. At that age, most of them are not that into talking with mom. Good advice from Dawn and the others.

Hi. I was like this as a teen and still am. Just quiet by nature. I don't like chit-chatting about anything and everything....I'm just a private person. My sister and mom are just the opposite. They would (& still do) talk about everything. I think my mom used to worry about me too, because I wasn't like them. But there wasn't anything wrong at all. I did great in school, sports and had lots of friends. My mom and I came to an understanding that we just have different personalities, and have a great relationship. One thing she did when I was a teen that I liked was she bought a notebook and on the first page wrote me a note saying she understood I wasn't a "talker", but she just wanted to be apart of my life and if I ever wanted to tell her something I could write her a note if I found it hard to talk about. It was fun. We wrote notes back and forth. Mostly they were nothings.....like I was sick and tired of studying, so and so was getting on my nerves etc..... Just an idea for a quiet, shy kid.

I don't have a daughter that old yet but from what I've heard from other Moms, it is typical for them to want to talk more with friends & less with parents as they get older. So it is possible that there isn't anything wrong. I have read a few articles on talking with teens. I know you have younger children who need your time as well so this may not be as easy as it sounds. Many of the articles say that it can take awhile for teens to open up so you may need to spend a longer period of time with her before she will get past the short answers and small talk. I have read that teens are more likely to talk if they aren't looking directly at you or can be doing something else at the same time. If you could get some time alone in the car with her, that may work. Or is there a household activity that needs to be done - yard work, cleaning a closet, etc. that she could help with? She may talk as you're doing it. I know at this age, she may not be excited about this, but would she go for a walk, run or bike ride with you? That may provide an opportunity to talk. Will she talk with her sister? Maybe you could ask her older sister to call & check on her once a week or so. At least then you might know whether or not it's a serious problem or just typical teen stuff. Good Luck! I'm not looking forward to those years :)

I think its wonderful that you noticed and that you care! Unfortunately, you can only "assume" unless she shares with you. Plan something for the two of you....a dinner, a pedicure, a shopping date. Don't pry but show interest and maybe even tell some stories of your life as a teenager. Be supportive and realize that some kids just aren't into sharing as much as others. I sure wish I had a mom like you when I was a teenager.