Step Mom Advice

I'm a stepmom of 2, with my husband's very difficult and impossible ex.

My advice is: don' try to counter her BS. You should block her. She has no reason to contact you. Her contact re the children should be your husband. Period.

Your husband should no block hert. Cutting off the mother of the children is a truly bad idea, and will make it look like he is cutting her out of the picture. It won't work. Judges don't like that, and it shows that shared custody doesn't work - which makes judges void it. Don't do that. He should save every stinking text she sends, and be extremely careful about what he says in reply.

Here's the horribly hard part: do not engage the children in this. Do not try to talk about it or say that Mom is wrong. It will backfire, and they will report back to her because they are kids and love their mom. There is no discussion with them about what she says. None. It's horrible. Do it anyway. Find a couple of standard phrases like "I'm sorry to hear that" or "I have a different view on that" and then break out the Monopoly game or the stuff to bake cookies. You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. If they fight you on it, just bake the cookies. Draw the hopscotch board n the sidewalk. Plant the mums. Go shopping for pumpkins. Anything. If they bring it up, you say, "These are parenting discussions to have with your dad and mom. I'm not interfering. I love you. Let's cook/plant/bake/shop." That's all.

You're in this for the long haul. You may not see results until the kids are 18. That's okay. Your job is to show them a good marriage, a mature and calm woman, and a "big picture" person. My stepdaughters have their problems, including domestic violence and worse (as if there's anything worse...) But they absolutely know that my husband and I are the model of a supportive marriage. You do what you can. Moreover, your own children are learning about how to stand strong in the face of onslaughts and unfair statements. Teach them not to react to everything that goes on around them.

diving into the mess will only besmirch you and everyone else. it's hard, but you have to rise above it.

your husband cannot realistically block her. she has to be able to contact him. but you don't need to be in touch with her, and other than supporting your husband, you need to stay out of it.

delete each message as it comes in. don't keep that poison in your atmosphere. your husband should save them in a separate file in case he needs them for legal purposes but not pore over and obsess about them.

you can't control what she says to the girls. don't try. just be calm and loving and serene and don't react and do the drama dance when the girls try to drag you down. it's not their fault. but if you rise above it they WILL remember it when the ugliness is long behind.

support your husband. love your stepkids. ignore the ex.
khairete
S.

I would take the high road. Let your husband deal with her only. This may mean changing your phone number or blocking her calls. Always ignore nasty messages. Just never respond. Never say anything negative about her in front of the kids. Just show them what a good role model is and be calm, kind, and a stable home for them. Your husband may want to do family therapy with his girls and he also needs to bond with them and really spend quality time with them each weekend they are with him. They will learn to not believe what their mom says with time. My mom always badmouthed my dad...and she still does. I learned to kind of ignore her at an early age. I could tell she was just insecure and bitter. When she says something nasty now, as an adult, I always stop her and tell her to cut it out. As a kid you just have to roll with things. Anyway -- these things take time. You will gain your stepkids trust by them seeing your behavior and actions over the years. They will eventually not believe what their mom says.

Sounds like she's having a hard time adjusting to the marriage. It would be nice if she could be mature and just let the past stay in the past and focus on co-parenting with her ex for the benefit of the children, but she's not there. Which is too bad for everyone.

I guess I don't understand how she can send nasty text message if you've blocked her? How do they come through? Just block her and leave her blocked. There is no need for her to communicate with you at all.

How you handle the kids depends a lot on their ages. For the immediate situation, I would just try to make things as normal as possible and keep the kids busy with activities or whatever you normally do when they're there. If they say something that's untrue, gently respond to it ("hmmm, what makes you say that?"). For the long term, I would recommend family counseling - it's a great idea to do it when a blended family forms. It looks like you dated for years but recently got married so even though the relationship isn't new, the intended permanence of it is. A counselor can help make sure that you and your husband are setting consistent expectations with each other and the kids and are communicating well, can help figure out where the kids are in the transition process, and give you all tools for coping with your step-kids' mother.

Hopefully things will calm down over time and the kids will see that you and their dad are a loving couple and good parents and will grow to trust you and see reality. It can take years for that realization to sink in, but most people I know who have nutty exes can say that as older teens or adults, their kids were able to see the situation clearly.

I am a stepmom too. Blended family life is often hard and confusing. What has helped me navigate all the different dynamics is I try and base every decision on this question: what is truly in the best interest of the children. This means you often have to put aside your pride and the expectation that things should be fair. Just do what you can to make the children’s lives as drama free as possible. Hang on through all of the rejection and craziness. It is not their fault they have this nonsense in the middle of their lives. Love them even when they push you away (not easy) and have faith that as long as you keep rising above the BS chances are your relationships with them will heal and grow. Lastly, have your hubby be the sole contact with their biomom.

You probably should contact a lawyer and see about going to court. Bring evidence of her manipulation toward the kids and trying to turn them against their family, judges don't take lightly to that, adults are not supposed to be badmouthing each other to the kids. I would also suggest family counseling so that a therapist can speak to the kids about what is happening and how they should cope with this conflict without choosing sides and believing everything they are told. I liked Diane B's response as well as 2kidmama's, about choosing to take the high road without responding to the comments or saying anything about their mother. Showing them you are graceful and have no time for drama and just want to focus on them and having fun with them should show them through your actions that you DO love them and want to be there for them, and that maybe their mother is making up things about you because she is jealous. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, don't engage, show them love and ignore the jealous ex.

I'd record it all - any communication from her - gather it up - take it to the lawyer - and see about getting a cease and desist order on record.
If she's violating a court order - the court need to haul her in and enforce the law.

Wow five and a half years of this? Not sure why you're still in this relationship. I can't imagine trying to raise my own kids alone let alone someone else's. Why isn't HE dealing with this? It's not really your problem. These are HIS kids, and if he's using you as a free mommy/babysitter there's a reason he's on marriage number two. #wakeupsister #stopbeingafool

Here you are accusing the Mother of alienating your husband but you state that you "Block" the Mother from both of your phones. Sounds, like you and your husband are the alienating party. You have to except the reality of the dysfunctional blended family you both created.

Updated

Here you are accusing the Mother of alienating your husband but you state that you "Block" the Mother from both of your phones. Sounds, like you and your husband are the alienating party. You have to except the reality of the dysfunctional blended family you both created.