I am asking this question for a friend. I won't give my opinions because sometimes my thoughts tend to be out of the norm and my friend and I are having a disagreement about it.
My friend and her husband have been married for 12 years. I think he is almost 40 and she is 32--they do have children together. He has an ex-wife whom he fathered 2 children with. The 2 kids are grown now and have left the father out of their lives. It seems almost as if the ex-wife doesn't want to let go. She makes nasty comments and sends text messages to him about my friend (his long time wife) and he doesn't say anything to her about it. Also ex-wife seems to know a lot about their relationship even though he claims he can't stand ex-wife and they don't talk much. If this was your husband would he say anything to the ex or just let it go?
If this was your husband would you expect him to say something to her about her comments?
I would not let it go. But on the other hand, the ex may be getting her info from someone other than the husband. If the kids are grown then there is no reason for them to communicate any more. She needs to cut the cord and he needs to change his cell number.
My Husband would stick up for me.
I WOULD expect my Husband to stick up for me.
My Husband, would also tell me what his Ex was saying.
My Husband, WOULD say something to the Ex... and make her shut her trap.
Yes, my husband would. In fact, he would have the first time, that it happened. Also, my husband would NEVER tell personal relationship information to someone else (without me knowing), let alone and ex-relationship. In my opinion, a husband should never be OK with his wife being insulted. At least, a good husband wouldn't be OK with it.
After 12 years of him being married to another woman and their kids being grown, the ex's behavior just makes her look psychotic, in my opinion.
Telling her to knock it off might be nice and sound chivalrous, but it also just might feed into things in a way that won't help or even make it worse.
I've been divorced 14 years and my ex still hasn't let go. I ignore 99.9% of everything he says and I believe absolutely zero. By phone, by mail.....I just don't feed into it. He wants a reaction from me, but I have moved on.
Maybe that's how your friend's husband is trying to deal with it.
After 12 years....wouldn't this woman love to know she causes problems?
I wouldn't give her the satisfaction, but that's just me.
I will be honest.. My sister did this to her ex husband and he told her to cut it out. That she did not know his new wife and had no right to say anything bad or good about her, because she had not ever met her. .
We, my mom, dad and I also told her that we would not participate in this sort of behavior, because his new wife was good to the kids and had always been very nice to us. We also encouraged sister to just leave them alone..
Sister was not pleased, I think she thought we should support her, but we knew this was not good for her to be harassing them.
If the children have nothing to do with him why is he still communicating with his ex. The only way I would think they should have any contact with be concerns over their children (and if they are grown now it should be minimal) If I were your friend I would have concern as to why my husband still talks to his ex.
I'm sorry, the children from a previous marriage haven't left him out of their lives, he's stayed out of theirs. I have no patience with parents who give up kids from former relationships and choose not to try and have a relationship with them. Perhaps the ex wife has a REAL and JUSTIFIED problem with him not wanting anything to do with his own children! I personally would NEVER be with a man who didn't have anything to do with former children. This guy wouldn't be my husband if he had fathered two kids and didn't have anything to do with them. What's his excuse? There are laws guaranteeing a father's rights to visitation and at least partial custody if he cares. Sounds like he doesn't. Maybe your friend should question that above all else.
Is their marriage happy and otherwise normal? Is he a committed father and husband? If not, then maybe there are other issues going on and the current wife wants to find blame with her husband. Since the current wife is looking for a reason to fault her husband (not sticking up for her), it sounds like she has much bigger issues to deal with.
If he is a good father and husband, then she needs to be happy with her life and stop looking for something to criticize her husband about. Most men just ignore that sort of catty stuff. Does she really think that sticking up for her will make the ex-wife suddenly realize how rude she is and stop immediately? Maybe he knows the best way to deal with her is to ignore her.
If he is carrying on a conversation with his ex, then your girlfriend really does have a problem in her marriage and she needs to figure out quickly how to lure him back. She was able to do it before.
I have the same issue...my hubby while a very good provider & does what needs doing, has a problem w/devulging private things to his former love interests & texting/emailing, even calling them & talking for HOURS. If I confront him abt it, of course he denies devulging personal info (although I have written proof of it) so I'm at a loss to say the proper things for your friend to do but you are correct in feeling that the husband needs to support his new wife. If proof is needed to confront him, why didn't she bring up the fact that his ex knew things abt their relationship if he didn't say anything to her. This needs to be addressed and quickly. Although he fathered 2 children, you stated the children don't have much of or anything at all to do w/him & are now grown...why is it necessary for him to keep in touch w/his ex now anyway? If he loves and supports his new wife as he says he does then he needs to tell his ex to leave them alone, even change his phone number if needed, he needs to avoid her. If he's texting bk & forth w/his ex, then he's obviously either in great need of extra attention or he hasn't gotten over her either. Your friend needs to put her foot down (so-to-speak) abt this & nip it in the bud as soon as possible. Hope this helps & good luck!
I know that my SO would let her know that I am off limits unless there is an actual issue with my interaction with the children and since that is not an actual issue with the kids being grown then they do not need to communicate. I think he needs to drop communication with the ex wife unless it pertains to something important with the kids.
what exactly does she need to be defended from? some nasty cow's obviously instigative remarks, a woman who is trying to cause trouble?
i think the husband is being wise in declining this particular battle. it's very clear the ex wants a showdown. why should he oblige her?
if your friend wants a catfight she can go have one. but she should be glad she's got a mature husband who doesn't faff about with such foolishness.
I would expect my husband to stick up for me. With his co-workers, his ex-wife (if he had one), even with his parents. Same way I expect me to stick up for him. Yes we both have his flaws, but part of marriage, in my opinion, is being able to completely trust the other person with my honor. I won't let anyone bad talk my husband, and I expect the same of him.
So, in this case, I would definitely expect my husband to say something to the woman, tell her to cut it out, and to stop all non-essential contact with her.
It is so stranfe because one of my good friends is going through the same thing with her husband. They have been married five years-no children- and he did father four children with his ex-wife-the children are not yet grown- the ex-wife is always getting in the middle of their relationship calling all hours of the night saying its for the kids and is constantly putting down my friend. She also seems to know way too much about their marriage and even goes as far as to text my friend intimate details that she knows is going on inside their house. And no it cant be coming from the kids because we live three states away from where his ex and the kids are.
But he never says anything either, he just tells my friend that it doesnt matter what she says just let her say what she wants and for her to brush it off. I totally disagree with them but I would never say anything to him. I do tell her all the time though that I feel like her husband is not doing the right thing and that beacuse he has never said something to her is the reason why she carries on as she does.
If it was my husband I would expect him to say something without a doubt.
Well before my boyfriend could get a chance to text her back, I would grab the phone and text her myself. =) Oh, ok, I would call her and tell her myself. We were really careful about communication with our ex's when we first got together...mainly because they are both looney tunes (the types that would key your car, pour sugar in your gas tank or flatten your tires)! I tell him when I talk to my ex and he tells me the same.
My ex actually became nice over the years, his still has a few issues. I guess my question to your friend would be, why does he still maintain contact with his ex, if his children are grown, and don't bother to have him in their life? If he can't stand her, and supposedly doesn't talk that much to her...then why is he talking at all to her? good luck to your friend!
For me, I would expect him to be loyal and to defend me if someone - anyone - said anything harsh and unfair about me. If husband and ex no longer have the kids to talk about, I'm not sure why they would still need to be in communication, especially if all she has to say are caustic remarks about his current partner. That's just the way I see it....
If it were my husband and the correspondence was not regarding his children or grandchilden (regardless of age they still share that relationship) then I would expect there not to be correspondence, especially since he doesn't care for her. If there were this correspondence, I would not expect it to involve our relationship other than to indicate that her comments are not accurate, relevant, or appropriate and should cease.
My husband would not respond to the texts from the ex. She is only sending texts and making nasty comments because she wants to stir up trouble. If she is ignored then she cannot create problems for the married couple. Also, ignoring her doesn't give her encouragement to continue bad behavior and doesn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she succeeding in making his life unhappy.
If the ex-husband and ex-wife have mutual friends it is possible that she gets information about him that way. Just because she knows things about his marriage doesn't mean he is giving her the information.
Personally, I wouldn't say anything to the ex-wife. Again, she only wants to stir up trouble. If the wife confronts her, the ex knows she is succeeding at making trouble. Ignore her rude behavior and nasty comments. Unless she needs to communicate about the children, which shouldn't happen often since they are grown, I wouldn't talk to her at all.
My husband has a child from a previous relationship, and the mother has tried to make problems for us in the past. My husband ignored her when she sent texts or made comments that were not about their child, no matter what the comment was. I got upset that he didn't defend me until I saw that he was right; she quit when we ignored her. It wasn't always easy to ignore her, especially when she made nasty comments to other people knowing it would be repeated to us. The only response we've had about her comments is that she must be a very unhappy person if all she can do is bad mouth others. It makes the point that we don't care about her opinion, but live our own life.
The reality is that the ex shouldn't be part of the current marriage. By reacting to what she says and does, the couple is allowing her to be part of the marriage. Don't give her the satisfication of knowing she can create problems, which is what she wants.
I would ask the husband to limit communication with the ex, unless absolutely necessary to communicate. I would politely ask the ex to stop texting, calling, emailing, etc, unless she needs to communicate something about the children.
Well I don't have a husband, but I have a boyfriend who has a child with another girl and this situation DID happen to me. She started sending me VERY rude messages and him about me and our relationship. She ended up getting most of her information from other individuals who they both knew (they were together for 6 years so collected a number of "mutual" acquaintances and friends so she wasn't getting the info from him).
Basically, he did stand up for me and told her to stop, that she had no right to interfere, they were over, and what she was doing was not going to change our relationship. However, she kept doing it and so he started to ignore her and only talk to her when it related to their child. I have ignored her since the initial messages and defer all them back to him to handle if he wants. So I guess I would say that you can expect both. Sometimes guys just don't want to deal with the drama anymore. I'm assuming that this has been going on for a while. I don't mind the fact anymore that he doesn't say anything, cause he said what he had to to her and she is choosing to still be baby about it. I'd rather him just not feed into her need for attention, which is really what it comes down to that she is wanting. And, I wouldn't stress about how she gets her information. You'd be surprised how people who are truly obsessive like this can get info.
This ain't a pretty one. I tend to deal directly with people and not beat around the bush or get passive (or passive-aggressive). That said, not everybody is like that. From the outside, it certainly looks like there is no reason for him to have any communication with the ex and that he should act like he hates her. Being outsiders, we don't truly know the full set of dynamics at work here.
He's got a history with this ex; his relationship/association with her began long before his current wife--with lots of good times in there--so his feelings aren't always as cut and dry as we might want them to be. In addition to having a very different perspective, he also has a different way of handling things. That can be infuriating. Also, we don't know the true source of her info or what type of info it is. Some things might be easy for her to figure out based on what's out there and what their kids might know; because she has a history with him, then she might be able to put two and two together and get 10.
The focus should be on her getting to the bottom of why this really bothers her and then helping him (by asking him and encouraging him) to behave in such a way that she feels secure and respected and loved in her marriage, if she does not already. We cannot control other people, even our husbands and children. The most that we can do in marriage is to offer understanding and request understanding, all in the hopes of being able to work together. That looks different in different marriages.
its not really clear to me why he is still in contact with her. pretty sure most men would just ignore her. not fule the fire so to say. if it bothered me i would handle it myself. good luck with your friendship.
All I have to say is that my husband better stick up for me or we would have a huge problem! Although not in your situation, my husband has stuck up for me with his family (mother in law specifically). Which makes me think he would stick up for me, especially if someone was sending nasty messages. Although I also have no problem sticking up for myself, it sounds like your friend needs to do that!
The husband and wife should be together during his participation
of the communication. I can't think of any reason to have a response
to ex that should not include present wife. They should make it a rule.
Surely that can't be too much to ask.
My first question was whether he responds at all, because if he simply ignores the messages, that in and of itself is a response of sorts, that he will not get down on the ex wife level and go back and forth. I would consider that good enough. If he responds, but does not defend, than that is a problem. I would not assume the wife knowing things mean he talks to her about them, it could be that he talks to one of the kids or a mutual friend, or a friend whose wife is friends with the ex, so I would not jump to conclusions on that one.
I've never been in that situation to know what my husband would do. LOL. But, I wouldn't confront the woman, let your husband since he has a relationship with her. FYI - There's always two sides and people lie. So.........
My husband finally did "say" something because she refused to quit. She hasn't said much since, at least, not about me. It was all through text. Yes, if ignoring doesn't work, then he could say something. Not saying anything is usually a good response.
If his ex knows a lot about his marriage, that is very wrong and inappropriate. His ex should know nothing about his marriage. The question is, how does she know so much? He is telling her, right? Which is very wrong. He needs to stop talking about his marriage to his ex. You said his grown kids have cut him off. I am curious as to why? So, his kids hate him, but his ex appears to want him back? That is very strange. There is a lot that you aren't telling us, or might not even know yourself. This whole thing seems screwed up to me.
His standard answer to any complaints/faults his ex may have for his current wife should (and in my house better ;) ) be, "That's none of your business!" End of story. If the convo isn't about grown children/grandchildren then there should be no convo at all.
And what kind of man lets an ex wife bash a current wife whom he is supposedly loving anyway?
they should have NO conversations unless they are about the kids, and you said they are older and out of the house. If so, then there really isn't anything to talk about. the husband needs to tell the ex to lose his number or he's going to lose wife #2. your friend needs to talk to her husband and let him know it's not ok that he's talking to her. good luck.
My husband would most certainly say something to the ex. If his kids are grown then the only contact he should have with his ex is if one of them is having an event they are both invited to such as a wedding or graduation. My husband's parent's are divorced and they hadn't talked to each other in many years. When we got married was the first time they had spoken to each other since my husband and siblings were young and going between parents for visitation. The ex would only know about their relationship if her husband is telling her. Even if they still have a good friendship he shouldn't be allowing her to say anything bad about his new wife. That is only going to cause issues in their marriage. He needs to stand up and be a man.
I would only want him to do and say the things I want my husband (who has no ex) to say to me:
I love you
You look beautiful today
You are the smartest girl I know
Can I help you with that?
What do you think?
Do you want to get a babysitter this weekend?
How was your day?
You are right dear (ha ha)
Because as long as he is saying those things directly to me...That is defense enough and provides all the protection I might need against all the indirect negativity I might find as I go about my day.
But I guess maybe I feel this way because I feel confident in myself and our marriage/family. Perhaps if I did not, I would need more of the Sir Galahad stuff.