Sound Mind for My Son...

My suggestion would be that the courts are taking care of the most critical issue, which is your son being exposed to his dad's criticism. In dealing with the past I would talk to your son about it in a positive way.
IE the rock through the window, "I am sorry that daddy yelled at you. He was probably stressed frightened, a rock breaking the window unexpectedly. He didn't want you to cut yourself and reacted harshly. One thing I am sure of, Daddy loves you and didn't want you to get hurt."
The lying. "I have always known you to tell the truth. If you ever need my help in explaining something when you are not being believed, let me know and we will work it out."

He loves his dad. You want him to love his dad and believe that his dad wanted to do his best job, even if it was misguided. By the same token, he will see you as his advocate and you will continue to be his hero.

He needs to talk about it, it help him process what's going on. But it may be better for him to talk to someone who's not in the middle of the situation. It sounds like a counselor may be helpful - one who specializes in working with kids, especially kids in this kind of situation.

When he does bring up the topic with you, listen. Ask him how it made him feel. Ask him what happened. But try to be very objective about it - don't act like you're unhappy with his daddy or with him.

As a matter of fact, you may benefit from some counseling as well. My mother left an emotionally abusive relationship over 30 years ago, and didn't get counsling specifically to deal with it, and she still suffers from a lot of self doubt and low self esteem. So do what you need to, to be emotionally healthy yourself.

Wow,

I think you need to be more careful how you are talking to your son, and not dig, dig, dig. Just let him talk to you naturally. Kids are smart and they can sense tension and emotions, even if they can't define them. Going through custody battles and all that doesn't make sense to him and there is not really a way to explain it to someone his age. Even if you think your ex was emotionally abusive, don't transfer that victim mentality to your son. Your son needs to see you strong and positive and happy, not asking something and then freaking out a bit over what he says and explaining how daddy is wrong. That will not help him.

I studied child development and divorce in a college child development class. I have also worked for years with special needs families. Numerous studies have shown that after a divorce, children feel very insecure and like they don't belong with either parent. So when he is with you, you need to help him feel as secure and calm as possible, do routines every day, and just move ahead with your life.

Also, society has taught women today that men are emotionally abusive and manipulative, and that women are victims. This is from feminism gone wrong. Usually (not always), but usually counselors will encourage divorce in these situations, and focus on the women trying to stand up for themselves and have their own rights. Be very careful with these philosophies. Women are very manipulative and emotionally abusive to men, too, but the counselors will not even ask about that side of a wife, or talk about it. Studies have shown that women and men are equally bullies to others, they just have different styles and men's styles are more obvious.

So instead of focusing all your energy on how bad your ex was, and likely he wasn't as bad as people are telling you, focus on making your home feel safe, routine, no digging, no fishing for information, no bad-mouthing dad. And pray to know the truth about yourself and your ex. You were probably both at fault in the divorce.

I hope that you are not angry with my advice, because I have been through near divorce with my husband many times, have been to many counselors that told me he was emotionally abusive, and finally, God showed me through a book how men think, and how mean they get when women don't understand them and treat them badly. I never thought or had tried to be a bad wife, but my eyes were finally open to how I had nagged, emasculated him, put him down, emotionally abused him, tried to boss and control him, all without seeing it in myself.

Take care girl, this is major stuff!

Marci

You're asking leading questions. I BELIEVE, given the circumstances, that they're appropriate, but maybe this would be better handled by a therapist. Being in a custody battle... it's not easy on your son anyways, so a therapist would be good for him.

If he's not telling you it might just be because he didn't think about it up until this point, or he's had a lot on his mind with Daddy being out of the picture. I would just let him know that he can talk to you about anything, and he's not going to get in trouble if he talks to you about things that have to do with Daddy.

Don't force it, or he'll close down completely.

It's normal to be nervous and afraid that there might be things underneath that you don't know. Just trust your son to tell you, and be careful. If you look for a demon, you'll find it. Pay attention to things he says, and document everything shortly thereafter. *Though a journal or personal diary might be better than writing it out in front of your son... that could be seen as a possible betrayal of confidence, and he might close off to you.*