Socially Awkward Son-need Advice.

My older son (Add/PddNos) did okay when he was 4/5 years old, but a couple years later he realized that his peers were mostly too immature. He was never one for typical kid shenanigans.

In 3rd grade, he made one very good friend who lived in our neighborhood and was 2 years older. When that boy moved away the summer before 8th grade we were both sad about it. He did not become close to any other kids until 10th grade. He met two boys in one of his clubs. They have continued to hang out once a week in the summer. Unfortunately, they were both Seniors and are off to other cities for college in a couple weeks. I hope he is able to make a new local friend when the school year begins.

My younger son was really into Polly Pocket when he was about your son's age. One day, one of his friends came over and saw him playing with Polly and GI Joe at the same time. The friend told him, with a sneer, "Those Pollys are girl toys. I'm not going to play with you if you don't throw them away!"

My son calmly said, "Okay." and turned his back on his friend. Friend's jaw dropped and he learned that my son had no time for his nonsense. A couple minutes later and they were both playing with Polly and GI Joe. That is what happy confidence looks like.

He is starting high school this fall and is quite a popular social bug. He doesn't play with Polly Pockets anymore...but he kept them in storage. It's the one childhood toy he wanted to keep.

It is not possible for a kid to be confident and happy while hiding who they are and what interests them. That causes shame for their interest, which leads to thinking there is something wrong with them as a person for having the interest.

It is better to have one real, high-quality friend than it would be to have twenty friendly people who don't even know who you really are. Your son needs to know to stay true to himself and to not accept low-quality friendships.

He sounds pretty typical boy to me!
Not everyone likes super heroes.
Spiders and crabs - yep boys love those things.
Ours was into fire trucks, sharks. dragons. dinosaurs and wizards.
Princesses - not so typical but not that unusual either.
Our son when through a phase when he was 3 or 4 when he thought girls were yucky.
I told him that mommy is a girl and he got this look or horror on his face (it was so funny) and declared that I was NOT a girl! I was MOMMY!
Our son built with blocks and legos - and built castles - and fire stations and any number of buildings.
I myself hated playing with dolls - and loved trucks and dirt diggers - and built a tree house when I was 7 yrs old.
I wish adults would just let kids play without reading any underlying meaning into it.
I think you're over thinking this.
Just relax and enjoy your son!

He sounds normal to me. I don't think there is a "type" for bullies and I am so sick of hearing "bully" and how that term and behavior is SO overused.

The part about your post that got to me was that you encourage him to "hide" his preferences. So you are setting him up to think something is wrong with him by doing that. Why would you tell him to keep it a secret that he likes princesses and anything to do with girl characters. You have set the self consciousness and "something is not normal about me" in motion yourself.

He is not going to be gay because he likes princesses and girl stuff. Maybe, if he is allowed to express himself as who he really is, he would have more friends and not be so socially awkward.

I agree with getting him involved in activities outside of school as well. If he is not into sports, that is ok.. try Cub Scouts, martial arts, etc.

Let him be who he is.
Why should he have to hide that he thinks 'girl stuff' is interesting? Maybe he would actually play better with girls than with boys, or in a different way which might be more fun for him.

I think the best thing to do is not worry about it, honestly. He's going to find other kids who he has things in common with. My suggestion would be to find groups/classes that let him delve into what he loves. That could be a library Lego club, an after school art class, a weekend insect showcase.... the important thing is not to squish his personality. Boys aren't the only gender for friends, either. My son is 9 and two of his best buddies are girls. One is over right now; they're having fun playing video games and will later go out and play with water balloons. They like to climb trees, go to the park and run around together.

Bullying about preferences ... I would encourage you to see bullying as a 'never acceptable' situation. If you say "well, they might not like that and might tease you", that's a bit like saying "well, if you tell them you like princesses, you're asking for it". It also sends a message that *he's* not okay for liking those things. Having mom tell you that is far more upsetting then some jerk kid saying something mean. Just my opinion. I had a son that was physically bullied for three years, L., so I understand about wanting to protect our kids and help them 'fit in'. (I also agree with TF that the word 'bully' is overused, but in our situation, it went beyond occasional teasing or poking and over the line to being kicked, choked, slammed up against walls.That situation is resolved.) My son made friends with another classmate who was also being bullied by the same kid... funny, huh, that from an upsetting situation blossomed a friendship. You never know what's going to happen in life!

I think we need to redefine what we mean by "typical boys" and "typical girls." We act like there's a natural or genetic predisposition toward trucks or princesses, or whether kids gravitate this way because society pushes them that way or the commercials/toy store circulars help convince them of what's "normal."

I think it's a problem if you tell him to keep his preferences private, because he'll learn to be ashamed of his interests. You want him to be confident, but that's a sure way to make him lack confidence in his choices. Of course you don't want him to be bullied, but some kid somewhere will always find something to pick on another kid for, and you can't prevent everything. We're better off giving our kids skills at deflecting criticism and the manners to be accepting of others' choices.

I'm not sure he needs to change his preferences/choices in activities so much as his choices in friends. That is, he can seek out kids with similar interests. If he likes dramatic play and characters, he can join a kids' theater group, for example. There's no magic in team sports - everyone should be active in some way, but it doesn't have to be organized t-ball if it's bike riding and swimming and roller blading down the street.

I would think spiders and crabs could lend themselves to nature walks and beach combing, trips to the science museum and the aquarium, and perhaps something at the library or the town open space committee. My kid was a bug, frog and fish lover, and that's what we did. We bought a membership to a local environmental museum, and then found that it had reciprocal free admission at other places a bit farther away (Boston Children's Museum, Museum of Science, and so on). Worth the investment. And we would take a friend of his now and then, so they had a built-in activity and interest.

My son was never into competitive sports much, although he did an occasional season of soccer or basketball with the Recreation Department. We never were into the martial arts or teams though, until high school when he discovered track. He's super well-adjusted because we supported his choices and didn't allow bullying on our property, but we were always a "magnet" for the other kids because we sent them outside to hunt salamanders or whatever. My son has tons of friends who loved chorus, band and the drama club too - so it's about choices in friends. He just avoided the hardcore rough play crowd and had at least as many friends as they did.

Are you worried he might be gay or a transsexual? Maybe just in the back of your mind?

Your boy sounds like a boy. Perhaps his.interests are not the boy interests you expect. I suggest you're wanting him to be interested in activities you believe boys should have. Each child is an individual. What one child likes may not be the same as what another child likes. This does not mean he's socially awkward. If he does have trouble playing with friends. I suggest that when you expect him to be different than he is you undermine his self confidence. In essence you're telling him it's not OK to be who he is.

Both boys and girls play with so called girl toys. Both play with so called boy toys. Your son really is OK. Consider all the men who are in a field that used to be primarily a women's job. Teaching, child care, nursing, law enforcement. Consider all the women in.a so called men's job. Construction, auto mechanics, medicine as doctors and research.

Relax and enjoy your son as he is. He's only 8. His interests.will change as he gets older. Accept his interests. Let go of your need to have him be a certain way.

Oh, no, don't teach him to hide who he is! He needs to be comfortable with himself in order to make friends and be confident. There is nothing wrong with his interests! Don't think he has to have dozens of friends. Get him out there. Try various clubs and groups, neighbors and school kids, and I'm sure he will find a few or even just one good friend to start. You need to be ok with who he is too, and let him be himself and nurture that. There are friend matches out there for him; you just need to find them.

Have you considered signing him up for Cub Scouts? It's great for the boys, and it's very family oriented (so you would be part of the fun). It's a good way for him to build relationships without being in to sports. Some of the boys in my son's den play football and/or baseball but not all of them and definitely not hard core. And they have really gotten to know each other and formed some good friendships.

I would say try not to protect him so much. He needs to find his way and be who he is. He's still at an age where peer pressure isn't too negative but where he might start noticing what others are doing. That's important for him to learn (not to be just like them but to be observant). Listen to him and encourage him to try new things. But I would hesitate to discourage him too much. It tends to send the wrong message.

"Boy culture?"

You should consider right now that your son might be gay. I have a gay son, and believe me, you can adjust to it. Sure, straight kids can play princess too, but lots of kids are gay, and it doesn't hurt to at least open yourself to the possibility.

Most boys who are still into girls and princesses at 8 years old are quite possibly gay. And they won't ever gravitate to traditional "boy culture." Boys like your son often prefer to hang primarily with girls, and keep doing it through high school.

PLEASE don't advise him not to show his preferences to other boys. He needs to be confident in his choices, and own them. I'm a teacher, and the only kids who are bullied are kids who lack confidence. One 7th grader I taught last year was flamboyantly gay in a pretty tough school, but he was very confident and not one kid gave him a hard time for it.

Your son, and you, should be proud of who he is. If other people don't like it, tough. The only reason he won't be "confident and happy" is if you keep sending him messages that the things he likes are wrong.

My daughter is now almost 17 and just started her junior year. She has ADD and Asperger's. Part of her ASD is that she hyper-focus' on something and doesn't talk about anything else. I have had to explain to her she needs to "act" interested in what her friends are interested in too. That's what being a friend is. You can talk about what you like but you need to also listen to those around you and contribute to their interests as well.

It's a little easier when they are younger but if you keep talking to him he will start to understand. I wouldn't necessarily tell him to not talk about princesses around other boys but more try to be interested in what they are. That is how adult relationships are too, aren't they? My BFF's husband is into guns and she has to sit there and listen about them and fake it since she could care less. lol But I think it will help him in general if he can do this.

My daughter get's 7 new teachers every year in high school and thus needs to make new friends almost every year. This year she does have lunch with a friend from last year and 2 of her classes she knows 2 other kids but otherwise, she doesn't know anyone. She has been pretty good about finding one or 2 kids to be friends with who "get" her and her quirks and she has been happy with that.

It's ok to not have a "typical" kid. I have 3 out of 3 and you just need to be honest with them so they know nothing is "wrong" with them, they just need to adjust some around others. I hope this makes sense. I'm sure your son will find a friend or two who will like him for who he is. Good luck.

Is he unhappy? Our son is happy to spend his time looking at nature, reading about animals, and talking to his teachers. The nice thing is that as he got older, there would more activities available to him surrounding his interests...the local Audubon Society has a juniors' group, there are yoga classes he can take with other kids, and he has found a "home" with kids in the local theater program. Encourage him to be who he is, there are others out there like him who will be thrilled to talk about bugs with him!

My son was never into team sports or rough play, and he was small for his age. He was kind and cautious. But he found his own group of boys, boys like him. They were the kids who read Harry Potter and collected Pokemon cards and played Dungeons and Dragons. Maybe a little nerdy but so what? They were and are a great group of boys and none of them was ever signifigantly bullied because they were smart and funny and had each other. They are now all 23 and 24 college graduates working and happy and living life.
My advice? Don't over think it. Your son will find his tribe. If he prefers girls as friends so be it, there's certainly nothing wrong with that. As far as being bullied well just don't leave him alone at the park, you know? When I was a kid the real bullies came out after school, on the walk home, when no adults were around. Schools are much better than they used to be about keeping an eye on kids at recess, so I'm sure your son will be fine.

He sounds like a pretty awesome kid! It sounds like YOU are struggling with who he is more than he is struggling with who he is. That time will come. But for now, I would encourage him to enjoy and play with what he likes. If he plays better on his own, then who care!?!? I think as parents we project our fears, expectations, etc. on to our children. It's really not fair to them. Ultimately, you want him to continue to develop self worth and good self esteem. And if you are telling him to play with certain things at home vs in public, you may be sending the wrong message. Work through what you are uncomfortable with and the rest will fall into place.

Hi L., Just let him be himself not to hide who he is. Get him into some different activities. I was told the same things about my son. Even that he was not sociable because he was not in a click at school. I put my son in Boy Scouts (He Loves It), I put him in Dance (He Loves it), I put him in Baseball (He Loves it) Tried Football not such a fan. Clubs at school not such a fan. And that is ok with me. My son is ADHD and is all over the spectrum (no meds anymore) but he is happy and he now has some really good friends who accept him for who he is. One of them even made fun of his dancing class and he just laughed and said your just jealous and went on his merry way. I want my son to feel confident in his own skin and I know you want the same. Your baby just needs to find his nitch. Best of luck and keep being a great mom.

Does he have any other neuro-atypical behaviors? Have you ever considered having him tested for Asperger's? (High up on the autism scale.)

Although you may not want to think in these terms, I really think it would be smart to have him evaluated. There are plenty of support groups that can help you navigate it as he grows up.

Talk to the ped about it and get some guidance.

have a chat with his teacher and see what she thinks about his likes and dislikes. and ho he interacts with peers. teachers deal with the kids of an age group and have a generally solid idea of noraml and what to worry about. you can also bring it up with the pedi, if hes socially awkward and hyperfocusing on certain things he may be high functioning autistic or aspergers. or it may just be thats how he is an dyou need not worry about it.

Accept that he is an individual. Let him like what he likes. Jerks will always be jerks. He needs to be OK with himself so he can stand up to the jerks. Don't cut the jerks any slack - it's not going to be your kid's "fault" for getting bullied because he enjoys different things - that's practically victim-blaming.

You can warn him that people can be jerks to others when they do their own thing, but also make sure you support him in doing his own thing. Help him find "his people". Don't try to make him fit with "the crowd". He needs tools to navigate the social world, but he needs to NOT pretend to be someone he's not. That's exhausting and has long term negative consequences.

My son (who is 12 now) was never a typical boy and that is 100% fine with us. He never liked sports, rough play, superheroes, cars, etc. We encourage his interests and he is a very confident kid. When he was young he loved girl characters from cartoons, dressing in dresses, and did not like team sports. Now as a kid entering middle school he still does not like team sports but he does enjoy tennis. He likes art and animating using different computer programs. He likes animating my little pony characters for example. He likes creating online animations that are a story with his friends. He likes theater. He is very passionate about music and playing the piano. He has very good friends who are both boys and girls and seems to be popular at school. I say just love your son and let him be happy. Take him to aquariums to see the crabs, take him to a talk on spiders or entomology, visit nature centers and see if they have camps that focus on bugs or marine invertebrates. Don't tell him to hide his interest from others...if other boys tease him or are mean he will know they are not a true friend. Our son is very confident in his interests and will tell other kids so what? I don't care what you think. They seem to respect that. So far anyway. Tell your son you love him exactly the way he is! Not every boy goes for typical "boy culture" and this is a really good thing!