So Frustrated (Mom of 20Yr Old)

Well, it's not really his Dad's birthday -it's the day you chose to celebrate it. Sometimes it takes kids awhile into adulthood to realize where their priorities should be. You should tell him that, especially since so many family members are going to be there, that you REALLY want him (them) to at least come for a little while. I wouldn't push it too much though. Enjoy the party and the family members all being there. It's fine to let him know you're not happy about it if they don't show up at all, but I wouldn't get too bent out of shape.

I don't know where the next box is but I can respond to this.

Just be cool. The more you get on him about this the less likely he's going to be at the party. He's just being 20 and flexing his independence muscles. Do not respond in any sort of way except to say, "Gee, I'm disappointed Dad's birthday isn't your first priority. I hope you and your girlfriend will come but it's OK if you don't. We'll miss you. We're going to have a great time!"

I almost guarantee the "it's OK if you don't" will hook him. Reverse psychology idea. He's 20 and wanting to be independent and make his own decisions. It's really difficult for some kids to establish themselves as separate beings from their family and this is one way that they try to do it.

Relax. Talk about plans when he's around but don't put any pressure on him to attend. Be cool and casual, even when you're burning on the inside.

Laurie A., it sounds like you're dealing with a terribly unhealthy situation, but with all due respect, this doesn't look like the same thing. This is his father's 50th birthday celebration with family coming in town from several states. Wanting their son present for this special celebration doesn't mean his parents expect him to be at their beck and call ALL the time. It's ONE special day that was discussed with the son and girlfriend in advance.

S., I'd suggest that you try very hard not to tie together your son's presence at the birthday party with anything that you and your husband do for him. You do those things out of love and concern for him, not to get anything back. So, don't let it sound like that. Yes, it stinks that he turns his back on his dad who is so good to him, but it's hard to mention that without some people's minds (including possibly your son and his girlfriend) turning it around into some kind of manipulative tactic, when you probably just meant that it was rotten for a son to miss the birthday celebration of such a devoted dad.

Likewise, your son should be present out of love and family ties with his dad. Something else is up if he's saying "he wants to keep his options open" and that the concert is all day. It looks like it's at 7:30 p.m. It seems like coming to a 2:00 party leaves plenty of time to get to the evening concert.

Others have already covered the normal mindset of a 20-year old with a girlfriend. I'd just urge you not to make it into a huge battle, because that will make you and your husband feel rotten on what should be a happy day. However, consider letting your son experience the consequence of making this sort of choice if any of your other children choose to miss any of his special events. Let them. We did this when my son chose to miss a special event of his sister's, with what we thought was an easily change-able conflict (involving a girl). Now, the other two kids have missed a couple of his special events (for flimsy reasons) that I would have ordinarily insisted that they attend (even though they are boring for the brother and sister), and he's back peddling, trying to undo his selfish choice. He wants the family there when it's for him!! (Or, at least, he wants to avoid feeling demeaned by having them choose to miss it for flimsy reasons.) This is working better than the times when we nagged!

Your husband will hopefully have a 60th and 70th birthday, and so on. When your son is 30, he may realize what a little #$%^ he was on his dad's 50th!!

I am about to be 50 with a daughter that is 20. I know what I am talking about. If it is really important to me or my husband we let our daughter know, but we ALWAYS, tell her it is her choice. Then we honor her decision.

Depending on if/when this mom asked her son if this particular date was good with him. He probably already had plans. Going to a big concert is expensive and you usually purchase tickets months in advanced. I would never expect my daughter to change her plans, if I had not given her a heads up.

I am also going to guess if the son went he would not really get to visit with his dad as much as his dad is going to be celebrating with ALL of the relatives that will be in town. He could always take his dad to a special dinner or special event alone and really have s a good time with him.

An event like this is not nearly as important to a man as it is women. We have this vision of a perfect day, but many times forget it is not that big of a deal to be pissed because not everyone plays along.

Again this is a 20 year old adult, who is not obligated to do everything his mom and dad make plans for if he was not asked in the first place.

We forget that these are adults not 10 year olds. They now have their own lives and can make their own decisions. We have to honor that unless we have an agreement that it is otherwise. It is a transition in the way our relationships change. We still see them as our kids, when really they are our adult kids. We cannot demand their participation and I promise if you do start demanding or taking for granted what your adult children should be doing, you are going to be always disappointed.

Hi,

Both you and your son, and perhpas his girlfriend have to come up with a solution that works for everyone. You can't tell him what to do, or make him do anything...he'll only resent you and be a pill at the party. So, get his ideas and both of you make a compromise.

S.

I can understand you being upset! I do remember being 20 and thinking that the boyfriend was THE most important person. I used to think that family parties were BO-RING when I could be hanging with my friends! Now that we don't have family parties anymore I miss them.

I would sit them BOTH down and see if you can come up with a compromise. He is an adult so demanding that he go or laying on the guilt won't make him do anything.

Be honest, people appreciate honesty. Tell him that it's his dad's 50th birthday party and that both of you will be very hurt if he doesn't attend the party. Stress how important it is to you that he make an appearance, even if it's for a short period of time.

Chances are you'll get his girlfriend on YOUR side. Ask if he would mind coming for a few hours, maybe 2:00-4:00 or 2:00-5:00 and you'll be completely happy to have them go enjoy the night together. Also, tell your son that you want to help celebrate his girlfriend's birthday while she's there as well, and be sure to get her a little gift.

My parents used to do the same thing for me for family parties. I had to make an appearance (usually the earlier the better) and then I was allowed to go have fun with my friends for the remainder of the night. I think it's a fair compromise.

He will thank you later. I am thankful my parents made me go to family parties. Now I'd give anything to have them again...and also spend time with the people who are no longer with us. When you're 20 you don't know what the future will bring. He still needs Mom and Dad's guidance.

I say the ungreatful son should be there to enjoy his Dad's big day along seeing his relatives. He can be with his girlfriend at the party, but he can do something later for his girlfriend. SHE SHOULD understand. I would be mad at my son if he did that too. Dad has only one 50th birthday.

I don't have any great advice for you, but I will say that my brother just turned 20 and he is the exact same way! God forbid we ask him to do something with family that may take time away from a girl/friends/video games/whatever! For me, it is nice to see that my brother isn't the only idiot who refuses to spend precious time with family! Good luck...I pray my son somehow lucks out and isn't like his uncle! :)

I would try laying a guilt trip on him, saying something like, "You know, dad is not gonna be around forever. One day he will be gone and you're gonna miss him. He is your father and this is his only 50th birthday party that he will have. How would you feel one day knowing that you did not attend your father's 50th birthday? Do you want that on your conscience for the rest of your life?." I don't know if that would work, but that is something my parents would have said to me. They were masters at laying a guilt trip. It may have been wrong to be that way, but I'm sure compassionate when it comes to milestones, so it worked.

Oh yeah, it's a girlfriend, and she is 20. They can do something personal. It is his father's birthday and he doesn't know what can happen from day to day. I would encourage him to spend all the time he can with his father and other side of family. I would be upset too, but since he is 20, then don't worry about him being there if he decides he cannot make it.