My grandson is going to be 4 and is very excited to have a birthday party. we want to give him that party but are perplexed on how to do it when Daddy (and us because they live with us) have him Sun afternoon - Friday afternoon and mom has him sometimes friday afternoon/nite through Sunday or only Saturday morning till sun aftenoon. ..... we feel his mother should be invited but the problem is that we would like to have his party on a Saturday and she would have him typically on that day. If she came then she could take him after but what about his gifts? His birthday is Christmas Eve and so because of this we were thinking of having the party at a play house place at the beginning of December. Most people invited would be his friends from daycare and his cousins on our side since her family comes to parties and never bring gifts..
Thank you for all the responses.. I realized part of that question sounded a bit weird. . . First I have to tell you that last year when mom and dad were together we also had a party... i left the invites etc to her and we paid for the party.. I told her we had to pay for 10 kids for the party at this bouncy place and at the last minute hardly anyone came because she waited to long to invite anybody.. I shouldn't have said anything about the gift part. . . her family either doesn't come at all or comes two hours late and most usually don't bring gifts but we'd still invite them.. i'm sorry that sounded that way.. because I am not a snob.. my daughter in law is not so involved with her son's life.. she says it's because she can't afford to keep him with her but then when she's supposed to be picking him up for the weekend she is out a bar with ???? I intend fully to talk about the party with her but since it's a bit strained I was just trying to get a little feedback and ideas of how to handle the whole thing first.. i'd like to have it on saturday because most of his cousins live on the otherside of the bay from us and it's an hour drive at least.. thank you again for all your insight : )
Have the party on a Sunday afternoon at a party place - Chuck E. Cheese, Bounce place, bowling, etc.
Have mom bring him to the party, stay for the party, and then he heads home, with his presents with his Dad and/or you.
You aren't going to invite her side to the party because they don't bring gifts? That is a bit snobby.
Talk with his mom about the party. Also see what - if anything she's planning. If possible, have it together (as that might be best for your grandson). Best of luck. :) I married a man with a 3 year old. She's 17 now and we've had one birthday for 14 years w/ both sets of parents. It works because we all get along, and yes - compromise... Hope it can work that well for your family.
I would ask her since it's her day w/her child.
Tell her she'd obviously be invited to come w/her son and stay.
If she can't or doesn't want to since it's her day, make alternate plans on a different day like Friday night.
Edit: We never had a birthday party for my SD on her mom's day. Once every blue moon we'd try to schedule it together w/both parents there if it worked for the parent that had her that day.
have you talked to her and see what she has to say? asking us doesn't do much good if you haven't even brought the subject up with her. if she says no then do it during the week....
You sound like a very generous and involved grandparent. But I really think it is your son and grandson's Mom who should be talking together about their child's birthday plan. Your son can tell the Mom that you are willing and would be excited to host a birthday party, but you don't want to step on any toes. What does she think of this? Your grandson's Mom may really want to be the one throwing him a party, maybe at least throwing it together with you. As a child of divorce, you do NOT want to create a tradition of multiple parties for each family. If you can keep it simple, and have one party for child (everyone is welcome, gift or no gift) it is much less overwhelming on the child. First agree on that point, then make sure both parents agree on a date and logistics. I also think you let the child decide where he wants to keep his gifts, and be flexible on that point. Going back and forth is hard enough.
Talk to the mom. I don't see why she would be against having his party on her day. For presents have him pick 1 or 2 that he would like to take to his moms house and you can load up the rest to take home.
If you have a decent/polite relationship with mom, I suggest co-planning it. Be really open minded about how it might work out.
Your son and your grandson's mom should work out the details of a party together, including both sides of his family, regardless of if they bring a gift. Is that why you're giving him a party, to receive gifts? Or to share the joy of his birth? Also, are the gifts you give him really his if you expect them to stay at your house? If they're his he should be allowed to have them with him, if he chooses. Don't try to control the situation. Allow him to have the party he deserves by including ALL his family and friends, who are all important in his life.
Being the gramma to grandchildren where the parents are no longer together has taught me it's all about the kids and their happiness, even when we don't like it. Your grandson's joy will make it worth it!
Suck it up & do the party together. This is what we did with DH's son & his son's mom & it always worked out nicely.
You have a couple options:
- Plan it WITH mom
- Plan it yourselves and invite mom*
- Trade Days
- Have the party (planned together or planned yourselves inviting mon) on her day by agreement
- Have the party on your own day
1) If you plan it WITH Mom / Joint party, you HAVE to let her invite people (her fam/ friends). Even though it will cost more to have more people, and even if you don't like them or their present ethos. If you want it 100% your way/ your list, etc. then do NOT have a joint party. Invite her to your party.
2) if you're doing 2 parties dad and mom HAVE to agree on who is having the 'friend' party, and who is having the non friends party. Meaning 2 parties, friends are not usually invited to both. Whomever's year this is (in our parenting plan we alternate holidays and birthdays) usually has first dibs on if they want the friends list. Meaning that since it sounds like its mom's years it would be HUGELY tacky / rude/ and even against the rules for you guys to invite the daycare kids unless she already signed off on it.
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My son has had 2 bdays his whole life... Family party day of, and friend party on a convenient fri/sat/sun. I usually email parents asking about x date. Saturdays are do heinous for many people that we had Fri&Sun parties for 6 out of 10 years. This year was the first after his dad split. NOT a friendly divorce, and restraining orders still in place. It was one of the only things that went relatively smoothly. Because dad and I had zero contact & totally separate events. Worked out.
How you get yours to work out may be similar or different. Just depends on people involved.
BEFORE plans are made for the Birthday party....
The Mom, should be included in planning her own son's Birthday party.
Did you ask her, if it was okay that you, plan it and when, instead of HER planning it?
The Mom, should be integral in her son's party or celebration.
It is up to her. And the Dad.
Certainly, because of the timing of his Birthday, can't the parents talk about it and per when the party can be or when the opening of presents can be, so that BOTH his parents have the chance to be there?
And maybe, the Mom, being she has him on Saturdays... MAY have plans ALREADY too, with her Son and HER family... too. That side of the family. Did you ask her???
So... it is needed, that SHE is consulted with, about HER plans with her son and her day with him, especially since this is also during the Holidays.
The Mom's side of the family and whatever plans she has with her family/relatives AND her son, is also important. This would be Christmas time. It does not matter, that the Mom's side of the family "never bring gifts" and thus they are not invited. The point is, that the boy and his Mom and their plans, are ALSO considered.
To me, this is her son, and the Mom, should be the key person planning any party for him, or his Dad or they together.
If my Mom, planned a party for my kids and did not consult with me at all about the timing or when or about the guest list or did not include certain relatives, I would be irked.
It is my, child. I have the honor of planning it for my own kids.
I am the Mom.
** The other concern is: It seems that your Grandson ALREADY knows, there will be a party for him. He is already excited. SO... if the Mom is consulted with about it and the plans of it, and she says "no...." to the details of the plans, then SHE will look like the "Bad Guy" in all of this. And it is not even her fault. And that is a shame. She is stuck now in a corner, because her son is already told there will be a party for him. But the Mom was not asked PRIOR, about when/if/how/what kind of party or about who is invited etc. Meanwhile, her Son was already told, that there is going to be a party for him.
The other thing is: Daddy usually has him Sunday afternoon thru Friday afternoon. This year, Christmas Eve is on a Monday and Christmas Day is on a Tuesday. HENCE, your Grandson will NOT be with his Mommy... for Christmas at all??? Hence, I would make sure, about any Birthday party plans for the boy, is per his Mommy's plans, too. Otherwise, it may be a Holiday where the Mommy and her side of the family, will NOT be able to even be with him. For Christmas time or his Birthday.
Even Thanksgiving this year, is on a weekday, a day when his Dad has him. Not his Mom. So his Mom is missing out on having her son... for the Holidays. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Unless the parents worked something out otherwise.
This all boils down to, the Mommy, having the key point in plans for her Son's party and the Holiday plans. It is her son and the holidays. I am sure any Mom would want to do things for and with her son, during this especially special time of year. It would have been nice if the Mommy got to tell her own Son that there will be a Birthday party for him, too.
If the party is on a Saturday, and that is Mommy's day to have her son, then yes, she can take him afterwards to her home. She may ALREADY have plans for him, and/or with her own family and friends on that Saturday. It is her day with her son after all. And there is nothing wrong with that. She has her time with her son.
But again, if there is a conflict of scheduling with the Mom per the party and just over the opening of gifts, and Mommy cannot allow her son to stay there on Saturday because it is her day with him & she already may have made plans for him and her that day, then SHE will look like the "Bad Guy" in all of this. And it is not her fault.
I would have the party on a week night and be done with it. She can plan her own with her own family. It is not her place to come to your family activities since they are not married anymore, or not living together, whatever. She doesn't have him in her home....
I completely understand because...
My parents were split before I was born and I lived w/ my aunt and uncle since I was six months old. My dad had legal custody and my mom had visitation. My parties were always at my aunt's home (or somewhere that she had it) and my mom was always invited but her family rarely ever came. Once in a while, she would have her own "party" (really just cake and ice cream) for me. I HATED IT. I wanted one party where everyone could celebrate with me.
My son's father and I have been divorced since he was not quite 3. I always have the party for him and his father and that side of his family are ALWAYS invited (but rarely come). His dad is always welcome to help plan, set up, break down, and/or pay for the party. He has only done so one time...although he has come more than once.
What I would suggest, if you never have him on Saturday, talk to his mom and ASK if she would mind if you had a party for him on Saturday Dec XX or XX (give her two options). Tell her that you would like to have one but realize it is her time with him. Tell her that you would be willing to keep him Friday night until the party on Saturday OR she could bring him to the party (which would actually make things easier for you unless you fear she wouldn't show up). If that doesn't work, could you have it on a Friday evening so you would have him, she could attend and take him from the party? The gifts should come home to you but allow him to take something if there is one he doesn't want to part with.
My SS's birthday is Christmas. What we did was have the friend party in early December. Then have a family get together as both sides decided to do. What your son might simply propose is a friend party that he'll host and pay for early on, and suggest to her that either they swap this every other year or that they do something separately for the families so that you get dinner with your grandson on your son's time and her family can see him on her time. If he wants to do a joint party (which can get hairy in my experience later on) then he should talk to her about agreeing to hold it on her time with everyone invited or his time with everyone invited, but that she doesn't simply take the child home after the party - he should still get his visit with whichever parent.
I know it is hard to see her not being a mom. So encourage your son to be the dad he needs to be. My DH had primary custody of his older children so I know how it goes. Most of the time, being the primary house and knowing the friends, etc., we hosted the friend party (frequently something just at the house) and then she did a dinner or nice event on her time some other time.
If he is with her EVERY weekend, your son should ask for a trade in time or to do EOWE or something that would allow him to have some more weekend time with their child. Maybe offer a weeknight dinner as trade or Spring Break or something.
