SIL Question

OK, this is really, really mean...but maybe she just doesn't like you! I tolerate family members, especially in-laws, because family is very important to me. But I don't adore every single one of them just because they are family. She probably doesn't hate hanging out with you, but maybe she just thinks you're Ok and has no interest in persuing a close friendship with you. Does she have other girlfriends? See if you can go out with a group of ladies and see how she acts toward them. If she is different with them, then I was right and you have to accept that. If she acts the same toward them as she does with you (or if she doesn't have any girlfriends because she really just isn't interested in close girlie friendships), than that's just the type of person she is and you have to accept that.

She sounds exactly like me! I love my family and friends, but I never call them and I often cancel on them too. Shyness and anxiety are hard to overcome.

Sometimes, I get anxiety about going out and often times am shy as well. I also get stressed easily and just plain don't remember to call. Let's just say, I have to remind myself once a month to text or email someone otherwise I would forget completely and feel guilty about not trying to stay active in the friendship. Seriously, emailing makes it so much easier t communicate sometimes! I am a major homebody as well, so that doesn't help. A lot of friends just end up going away, but I have a few who haven't given up on me and I am forever grateful to them.

She's family so you want to remain close and friendly. Just check up on her every now and then and don't feel bad about making the effort. You already know she's shy, just remember her not initiating is probably a symptom of this.

She also may be the type of person who is very difficult to open up and build a close friendship with, but once she does she will open up. You never know, really if she just isn't interested in forming a close relatinship or if it is just going to take time.

Good luck!

I think in most relationships (or larger groups of friends), someone naturally assumes the leadership role while others are happier to follow. Maybe that is all this is. Shyness that sticks with someone into adulthood is likely there to stay and if you really like your SIL, you may just have to take the lead. Though I definitely get that having to be Julie McCoy all the time and having to be the one starting conversations can be a burden. She may envy you.

does she have another female friend that she is close to or maybe a female family member. maybe at first you can go as a group of three and once she feels more comfortable and trusts you more the friendship will grow. some people take a long time to finally trust someone enough to put themselves out there. they feel they might be rejected so they dont initiate or ask for things. good luck

Next time you want to get together with her, why don't you ask her to go to a specific place, specific day & time, etc. That way, she's less likely to back out. Who knows, maybe she is just really busy or forgetful and it's nothing personal. However, I will add this too: Don't force a relationship that isn't there. Just b/c you are family, doesn't mean that you two should become great friends. I think my SIL is great. She is very outgoing and generally, people love to be around her. Still, I don't really feel there is a connection with us. We just don't have a lot in common. I have come to accept that our relationship will simply revolve around the obligatory family visits. Your situation, I realize, is quite a bit tougher b/c you live so close. All you can do is extend your friendship, and it's up to her to accept it or not. Good luck. I know it can be totally frustrating when your friendship and kindness is not reciprocated. Whenever I used to ask my mom for advice on this type of subject. She would always refer me to a book called, The 4 Agreements. Still have yet to read it, but if you need something more...

Some people are just not planners. My sister is like that we are close but she never calls me and does not initiate activities. She never says no to an offer to spend time together and I have often heard her tell people what a great time we had. Be happy that you have a good relationship with her, my SIL drives me crazy and we try to avoid her.

Tell her how you feel.I was thought to be stuck-up when I was just really shy. It still takes me awhile to warm up to anyone due to fear of rejection. You might be able tohelp her if you know what is causing it.

Why not plan some things that she is interested in, maybe you can have things at her house so she won't feel uncomfortable. It is really nice of you to try and include her in things. Talk to her and ask her what she would like to do. My sisteris a homebody, she rarely goes anywhere unless her husband takes her, she can drive and will go to Hobby Lobby or Hancocks for fabric and stuff but to go to Wal-Mart by herself is not something she'll do. There have been a lot of parking lot shootings for some reason on tv in the news and she just won't go.

But the bottom line is, while you are trying so hard to do things with her you could be cultivating a friendship with someone more close to your interests and find a best friend that you can do all the things your SIL doesn't want to do.

my sister is very very shy. people think she is stuck up. she says, in private, that she's afraid she'll say something silly and people will laugh at her. so she chooses to not open up. i deal with her my way, i am the one who organizes outings, i am the one who will go to her house to get her out. or at least i used to (we live in different continents now). but when i visit i do the same thing. i get her to socialize and go out and have fun. she's most comfortable around kids (no judgement from kids' part, and kids tend to love her to death and back). i think you can get her to become comfortable. try it a few times, if she is really not into it, then it's not meant to happen. for example, you call her up and get her to commit to a weeknight (or weekend) and say ok it's a date for...(dinner, movie, shopping, coffee whatever), then you go pick her up. when you're out get her to know her to talk to you, etc she needs to become comfortable. i think she'll loosen up.
sometimes they don't, but most times it works
good luck

my SIL lives right down the street and at one point I thought we were close but now I really don't like the path they have chosen to go down so I am staying my distant. They have nothing to do with my kids except for holidays and birthdays well it's starting to not even be those I'm done making an effort to set up stuff with them! They didn't even make an effort to come see my son this weekend for his birthday my BIL just dropped off a gc and left. So maybe it's just time to move on and just try and be nice over the holidays. People change and people go different paths so make you a new path and don't worry about it

Have you talked to her and told her what you have said here? You say she is shy. If you haven't told her what you are hoping for she may feel that she should wait for you to initiate activities because she doesn't want to impose on you. Sometimes clear open communication can make a real difference - then again it may be that her life is such that she doesn't see adding a close friendship as something that works for her at this time.

You say she always goes when invited, and that she is shy. If she didn't want to go, she would find a way out of it. She is just staying within her comfort zone.
You might ask her if there is a restaurant or movie she really wants to check out to see if she might have something to say.
I just think she may not have the confidence you have. You probably make friends much faster and more easily than she does. She may like you but feels intimidated by you.
Accept her as she is, or give it up. Wouldn't you want the same?

I felt the same about my Sister In Law at one time. I think I had false expectations that she would be the sister I never had or that we'd be best friends, but it didn't materialize. I eventually just let it go and let the relationship be what it was. Dont get me wrong, we were friends. Unfortunately, we learned she was having an affair while married to my brother so maybe that had something to do with her holding back, the guilt.
Good luck to you in your situation but sometimes it's better not to be all that close in my opinion.

I will be very interested in reading your replies. I really like my sil, but she is the same way. I have given up trying to have a relationship with her. We live in different states so it is hard. The only time she initiated a communicaton with me was when my mother was dying. She has only been to our home once in 22 years. I am most sad that our boys don't have a relationship with their cousins.
Victoria