Sibling Rivalry - Algonquin,IL

Oh...read "Siblings Without Rivalry". It is a MUST READ for anyone with more than one child. I'm almost finished. There is so much good info in it that I can't really share it here in an effective way, but I think you'd LOVE the book. It's interesting and fast to read.

Tell your daughter you talked to her doctor who said that she is probably teasing because she is over tired so for this week she is going to have to go to bed directly after dinner. Put her down and make her stay there no matter how much she protests she isn't tired. The trick is for you to keep your calm and make like you are really concerned on her lack of sleep. Don't give in or you will ruin it and she will know she can play you. This method is one that Dr Rosemond always suggests in his column. He also advises the 'ticket' method where you stick 3 tickets on the fridge. You tell her each time she teases her brother she gets a ticket. When she gets 3 she goes to her room for the rest of the day. When she goes to her room it is important to not budge and keep her there or it won't work. Several days in her room should hopefully stop the offending behavior.

Have you ever just taken her to her room and sat with her and had a heart to heart? You know... where you tell her how much you love her, AND how much you love her little brother too? How you love them BOTH. And how you guys (hubby included) are a FAMILY and what "being a family" actually means?

I have 2 kids, also a boy and girl, and also 3 years apart. Difference is that my son is the older one. They are now 10 and (will be next week) 13. We talked to our son early and often about how he and his sister are part of something bigger than themselves--- OUR FAMILY. It belongs to them too, not just me and Dad. That when their friends are upset with them about something, or aren't available, or mom is busy, (blah blah blah) their sibling will be there... their whole lives their sibling will be the one person that will share so much with them. That they love their brother/sister. (Don't command it, state it as fact. They DO love them, they just don't grasp what that means yet). Explain how we should always want to help our family if we can. How our family will always love us and want to help US if/when we need it. blah blah blah.... But explain it to in terms of the family being a unit... the family against the world, if you will. If you make it about just her and him, it turns it into a competition==which is the opposite of what you want.
Talk about how it would feel to her if _________ (and list things that you could see her doing/saying to/about her brother) YOU said/did that to her... Explain to her how he is still little and can't understand as much as she can, and how he is still learning... and that she can HELP him learn. Do you ever ask them to play play-doh together? And then suggest that she show him how to make ______? It is a great way for them to bond-- for her to become like a mentor for him.

We did all these things with our son, and whether it has anything to do with it or whether we were just blessed, I can't say..... but our kids would be devastated if ANYTHING were to ever happen to the other. They LOVE each other. Sure they have little squabbles now and then... but they usually are "over" any tiff within 30 minutes or less. They play quite happily, just the 2 of them, often. They play games together on DS's and share ipod apps and race in the swimming pool--- they even share friends. They work together on their own projects (yesterday they dug 2 huge holes in the sand at the beach and then tunneled through to join them). They are super close and I pray it never changes.

Good luck. Your daughter just needs to get a bigger picture of what family means and sometimes that can be hard to explain. But more often, I think we just don't THINK to explain it. ;)
hth

when she misbehaves- console your son first and make a point to say "Ohhh!!! Goodness, look!! Little brother is so upset. Tisk, tisk, it's so sad that his sissy makes him sad. That makes M. sad (make a sad face)"... Console your son till he calms down. Then explain to your daughter "it makes M. so sad to see you treating your brother like that. It would make me happy if you could be nicer to your brother."

punishing her likely isn't working because she's still stealing your attention AND annoying her little brother in the process.

Make sure when she behaves properly you praise the behavior.

Best wishes!

-I have a brother who is 3 years younger than I am- I remember when he was born and I realized he wasn't going back- I was not a happy child. It's slightly normal- you just have to modify your reaction to it.

Run to the library or bookstore and get the marvelous book Siblings Without Rivalry. The authors have practical, real-world solutions that have helped quite a number of families I know with antagonistic siblings. Good stuff!

Could look into Love and Logic!!

Give her choices. Would you like to play nicely with your brother, or would you like to play by yourself for 20 minutes? (by herself means in her room, no other contact for 20 minutes). If she chooses to play nice let her, if she doesn't, take her by the hand and take her to her room. Let her know she can come out and play in 20 minutes, if she's ready to play nice.

But don't limit her choices to just things relating to baby brother. Choices can help her feel important and like she's old enough to think for herself. Just remember to only give choices that you are ok with. If you're not ok with her not wearing her coat during the winter, don't ask if she's rather wear it or carry it.

Also to help encourage rather than discourage when she's acting out toward her brother. Say something like, I will read a story to both of you in 10 minutes, if you play nicely. If she's not nice, then read him a story in a room other than where she is.

With Love and Logic, try to make the punishment fit the crime. Color on the table, crayons go up until next time. Throwing food around, meal time is over. (but remember, no extra food until the normally scheduled snack time). To me the logical punishment for not playing nicely, would be to have to play alone.

i send my kids to their bedrooms until they can come out and apologize. i make them give eachother a kiss and a hug. i can't stand the whining. my kids are 7 and almost 5.

We have six kids and many guests at our house. For the most part, things go well. These are our approaches. This type of problem-solving can be taught to toddlers, expect to do a lot of supported problem-solving at first. Good luck!

Basic assumptions for all problem-solving:
Authority figures can use the tools of authority (punishment, giving orders). Everyone else has to interact as equals, and use the tools of influence (negotiation).
Everyone is required to either work together to solve problems, or choose to withdraw from the group and play alone. It is not anyone's job to make anyone else happy. It is everyone's job to work together to solve problems in a way that is fair to everyone.
Everyone is expected to use strong voices and clear words. No one is allowed to be a victim here.

Solving Problems Between Equals
1. Define the problem. Talk to each other until you agree upon the definition of the problem. Define the problem in terms that don't blame anyone.
2. Work together to think of ideas that might solve the problem.
3. Work together to pick a solution.
4. Try that solution. If it doesn't work, go back to step 1 and try again.
5. If this doesn't work, get help from an authority figure.

Solving Problems Between Equals with a mediator
1. Define the problem. The mediator helps each person take turns speaking. The mediator assists each person to define the problem in non-judgmental terms. The mediator helps summarize what each person thinks the problem is.
2. Work together to think of ideas. The mediator helps each person to be able to express their ideas. The mediator lists out ideas. The mediator may add in some new ideas as well.
3. Work together to pick a solution. The mediator does not pick a solution for the people having a problem. The mediator may help with practical information like “everyone won't get a turn if turns are an hour long.” Final decision as to acceptable solution needs to be from the people with the problem, however.
4. Try the solution. The mediator may leave at this point, or may stay involved to make sure the proposed solution is being implemented as agreed-upon.
5. If things aren't working, repeat the process. The mediator may also convert to the tools of authority and intervene with rules and instructions.

Solving Problems as a Authority Figure
1. Observe. What exactly is going on?
2. Define the problem. What exactly is the problem?
3. Ask questions about the problem. What's driving this? Is someone tired? Hungry? Bored? Misinformed? Looking for attention? There is a reason behind all choices. Identify that reason. Why does this problem exist?
4. Modify the environment or expectations to address the “why”. Perhaps everyone needs a rest time. Perhaps the item under contention needs to be removed. Perhaps it is time to serve snack. Perhaps someone needs a penalty. Fix the core issue so that the trouble level goes down to something the kids can handle on their own.
5. Communicate with other authority figures your observations and conclusions.

Well i would be putting soap in her mouth for speaking to her brother that way. I had soap when I was little and it took once for each of my kids to get it and learn to respectfully speak to one another. She may need more time with you otherwise and so that may help. I guess I would find this difficult to deal with on a daily basis, so I like the ideas that Mallory said. I would send her to her room or to bed and earn to stay up and play by being more nice . Maybe ask her when it is just her and you why she is always hurting his feelings and what you can do to help her stop doing that. But seems like she needs a taste of being an only child, entertianing her self, enjoying a peaceful room playing alone until she can be happy with brother.

Yep, I read that article too in the newspaper that Mallory P. mentioned.

There is a wide age difference.
The older one is doing this on purpose. Thus you gotta nip it in the bud.
A 2 year old, is not cognitively developed enough to self-manage her.

You sit her down. Explicitly state that her behavior is unacceptable. And then do what Mallory P. mentions per the article.

You ALSO, need to explain to her, what a sibling is, what a family is, and that you ALL are a "TEAM". And that as a family, you look out for each other etc.

My daughter was 3 turning 4 when I had my 2nd child.
I explained to her, what a baby is. And each month, I explained to her, how her little brother is doing, how he is developing, what he can or cannot do yet because he is little, and how SHE was like that too. He cannot do what she does. SO... we all have to understand. He is little. He doesn't know things like she does.
My daughter, thus, responded well to her little brother... and developed "empathy" for him. And she would actually look out for him and help him. She would tell me "M., brother is in his tantrum phase....." etc. And she'd KNOW what was going on. Or she'd tell me "M., he's yelling because he can't talk yet...." etc.
So, she learned about her little brother, because I explained to her about his development monthly, and she understood. Instead of antagonizing him or misinterpreting him.

My daughter, understood these things even at 3-4 years old.
Your daughter is 5. You can certainly explain these concepts to her and she can understand.

My daughter and her brother are very close.
Explaining to the Eldest child, is necessary. Otherwise, they do not know, anything, about their little sibling or how they are developing or not.
Versus, them.

But yes, you teach your daughter, about HOW to be a sibling, too.
It is a learning curve.
For outright mean-ness to her sibling, you need to correct her. And be consistent.
It is not right.

My daughter was an only child, for 4 years.
She adapted well to her little brother.
Because I explained everything to her, even while I was pregnant with her little brother.
It 'prepped' her... for what a sibling is, and what a little brother is.

all the best,
Susan

Sorry, but I can't help. My daughter antagonizes our dog constantly and nothing I have tried - timeouts, taking away toys, yelling, negotiating - has been effective. So I will be reading your responses to see what people say, and if I can apply any of it to my situation. Good luck!!

This is my house but with the genders reversed. I'm so sick of hearing my 5 year old say "poopy head" I told him I would take one of his toy cars into time out every time I heard if for the rest of the night. At that point it was 30 minutes to bedtime so he made it without loosing any. I would love to know how to make it stop for good. I've also sent him to his room for time out so many times even I am sick of it. Hope you get some good ideas here.