Sibling Rivalry, When Do You Step In?

With a 2-year old, and even with a 4-yo, you are going to need to mediate for a while longer. Two year olds don't have the words or control to properly face disagreements. With the 4 yo, you'll have to remind him that he's bigger and that the little one will act exactly how he teaches him to -- Want him to grab your toys and hit you? Then grab and hit the little one. Want him to be nice and gentle? Approach him gently. The big boy gets more privileges, but he has to be the teacher too.

With the 2 yo, you probably need to show a lot more guidance with behavior, so that you are the main teacher of how to interact.

Kids these ages, do NOT have, succinct "deductive reasoning" yet.
They still need help, fathoming it.
Yes, you guide them.
Per their age.

Kids this age do not have automatic "problem-solving' skills, and it has to be taught.
It is not always instinctual, with kids nor at these ages.
It is, taught.

And you teach them, boundaries.

I intervene whenever I hear anger and frustration. Actually, what I do is inquire "I hear angry voices. Do you need help with a problem?"

If at least one person has a problem, we go through our household problem-solving technique. All siblings are considered equals at our house, unless an older sibling has specifically been put in a position of authority.

Solving Problems Between Equals
1. Define the problem. Talk to each other until you agree upon the definition of the problem. Define the problem in terms that don't blame anyone.
2. Work together to think of ideas that might solve the problem.
3. Work together to pick a solution.
4. Try that solution. If it doesn't work, go back to step 1 and try again.
5. If this doesn't work, get help from an authority figure.

Solving Problems Between Equals with a mediator
1. Define the problem. The mediator helps each person take turns speaking. The mediator assists each person to define the problem in non-judgmental terms. The mediator helps summarize what each person thinks the problem is.
2. Work together to think of ideas. The mediator helps each person to be able to express their ideas. The mediator lists out ideas. The mediator may add in some new ideas as well.
3. Work together to pick a solution. The mediator does not pick a solution for the people having a problem. The mediator may help with practical information like “everyone won't get a turn if turns are an hour long.” Final decision as to acceptable solution needs to be from the people with the problem, however.
4. Try the solution. The mediator may leave at this point, or may stay involved to make sure the proposed solution is being implemented as agreed-upon.
5. If things aren't working, repeat the process. The mediator may also convert to the tools of authority and intervene with rules and instructions.

It takes quite a bit of training, but the kids do learn how to do this process on their own. Even 2 year olds. The kids also get highly motivated to resolve problems before they come to my attention, since stopping play to go through a mediated problem-solving session is *not* their idea of a good time! With young children, don't be surprised if the problem is "resolved" by one or both kids getting bored with the problem-solving process and wandering off to do something else.

Also, be aware of all the emotional vulnerabilities that come with a child in foster care. Some problems may be normal sibling stuff. Others may be more how a traumatized child expresses and process their pain. Telling the two apart can be very difficult.

Good luck and thank you for doing foster care.

Right before they get physical it doesn't happen a lot now becuase mine are 7 and 11.

When the hitting and pushing starts, or just before.

Wow..that has to be pretty tough on your son. It's an awesome thing you're doing though so please don't misunderstand. One of our sons was adopted and they bring their own set of issues, as you well know. Tough on the little guy. It probably is a little different that typical "sibling rivalry". My boys aren't allowed to be with each other if they're not getting along. If one causes the problem, he goes to his room till he can be nice. If they're both doing it, they are both removed. In answer to when, I'd say whenever it starts bothering you enough...

You have some really good answers already. I have nothing to add for the solutions.

My kids are all grown. I did my best to stop the "sibling rivalry" when ever it occurred. I NEVER allowed teasing. I met too many people that had two or more kids where the kids were adults and hated each other. The one that really got to me was a family of four kids. Two of the kids were friends and the other two were friends. If the mom and dad invited all four for Thanksgiving dinner, the kids asked who was coming. If the hated pair came, they wouldn't. The mom and dad could never have the entire family together.

I worked constantly to make sure that didn't happen in my family. All of my kids are friends and see each other when ever the opportunity presents itself.

Keep trying mom. The end result will be worth it.

BTW, I feel it was really beneficial to have had more than two. If you have three and one gets mad and won't play, the other two will play and the third will get over his mad quicker and want to play again.

Good luck to you and yours.