Sibling Arguing

My sister and I are 3 1/2 years apart and when we were younger we fought every day before school, after school, weekends - basically every time there was something to argue over, from who's clothes were on the wrong side of the room, to who was taking too long in the bathroom and who got to sit in the front seat. And it was usually broken up by our mother, who almost every time took my side ( my sister is the older outspoken one with a short temper, I'm the younger, soft spoken one and it takes a lot to get me upset, and usually I was the one who was crying). There were many arguments between my sister and mother because my sister assumed that our mother was playing favorites, and as much as my mother explained that isn't why my sister was getting in trouble, that it was because my sister is older, knows better, and/or started the fight, my sister still flew off the handle. Perhaps that is how you son is feeling. And don't be too sure it's always him who starts the fights. My sister and I learned to do things separately more often than not, and to tolerate each other over extended amounts of time spent together, but we really didn't get along too well, until we were living separately. But that's with two girls, and even so if someone had a problem with me, my sister was right there to back me up. As an older brother, that feeling of protectiveness will be even stronger, and their bond will strengthen faster than two girls. Keep in mind that as your son is growing up and the first to do just about everything, like start middle school, able to stay up later or whatever things you feel he is old enough to do but your daughter isn't, there is a bit of jealousy probably coming from her, as well. I wish I had some better advice for you, but personally, I think time is the only thing that will really put a stop to the fighting. And for the sake of your sanity, I hope it's a lot sooner than it was for me and my sister.

This is going to sound way more simple than it actaully is: tell them to "hush". If they don't be quiet, go to their room. 11 and 9 is old enough to know to stop and be quiet. And both are equally at fault regardless of who started it. So, hush. And if they don't... off to their room (or separate but quiet areas) until each can decide to not argue. It will work, and if it doesn't.... do what my Dad did.... use duct tape. They will get the point. A totally different way to handle the situation I got from John Rosemond is to tell them to work it out by themselves but the rule is no hitting. If it is too hard for you to watch them try to work it out by themselves, make them go into another room. Rosemond has some pretty good ideas on how to work through that kind of stuff. He's got a few books you might be interested in. You can google his name and you should find a wealth of info. Good luck to you! Jen

Try a book called 1-2-3 Magic. My kids are younger but we have seen improvement and I know others with older kids that have also benefited. It is a simple but effective program of structure and expectations. If you stick to it, I think you will be pleased. Good luck.

Dear S.,

I make my kids work when they fight. Clean, scrub, etc. The other thing I do is make them sit and face each other and work something out. Calcium-magnesium drink might be in order because he is growing and when they grow they get stressed out. The cal-mag calms the system and helps their bones. He also might need more protein, less sugars, soda, etc.

Another mother told me that she got through the teen years by having her kids do sports and get involved in team play. She said that they are so tired after the sports that they have no time to get into problems. That is what I am doing with mine and it is working.

Good luck,

Have him talk to the school counselor. It sounds like he's angry about something deeper than the things he's knit picking about and is expressing his anger by arguing with his sister. We usually unload on the person closest to us (i.e you and his sister). Is your separation from your husband/significant other recent? What major changes have occurred in your son's life recently? Did the kids have to give up "their" space while you finish your degree? The counselor may be able to get him to open up about things he's not comfortable speaking to you about.
Good luck.
T.

I totally agree with Theresa. Sounds like he needs a male rolemodel. He may not feel comfortable talking to you about some things and he may also feel like he's being "ganged" up on since he's the only "man" in the house.

Definately find someone neutral for him to talk to.

And please don't tell them to hush or use duct tape.