Should I Teach My Teenage Step Daughters Etiquette?

There are so many inconsistencies with this post, I don't know where to start.

You "just" came on the scene. Sorry, but you sound more like a mail order bride like Julie said. I can't fathom marrying a man without meeting and knowing his kids and family.

I can't imagine having an "extremely wealthy" CEO not having maids, butlers, door men, private chefs, etc.

Why are the parents not educating them?
Why are the parents not getting involved?

Since you are "new"? I would back off and let my "husband" handle it. I would speak my mind behind closed doors and tell him I expect him to handle it.

Welcome to mamampedia, A..

How long have you been their step-mother?
WHAT have their parents taught them?
What do their parents say??? Are they getting the behavior from their parents???

If the parents are "extremely wealthy" they should have sent them to debutante school or to cotillion classes.

Since they are teenagers? I would lead by example. Talk with the parents and tell them what YOU FEEL is going on and what should be happening...otherwise?? You really can't do anything. I know that sounds bad since you are the "step" parent - but still....you're "step"...

Sorry!!! Good luck!!

Extremely wealthy CEO that can't afford a cook, maid and nanny to teach this stuff from the beginning? Sure. Can't even afford a dishwasher that doesn't need pre-rinsing. How tragic, I am middle class and even my dishwasher doesn't require pre-rinsing.

Guess I am saying I just don't see this as a real question. High society functions? Um, okay, do you mean debutante balls, perhaps cotillions? I just don't get this type of trolling

The most you can do is insist that if they wish to sit at table with you, that they use utensils and chew with their mouths closed. It's a little late to play A. Sullivan to their Helen Kellers.

What do their parents want you to do?

Interesting that you married a man without spending any time with his children and never realizing what you were getting into...are you a mail order bride?

Any attempts to teach them anything won't go over well if they are not prepared to learn.
I think their extremely wealthy CEO parent should shell out the bucks to send them to finishing school.
They'll learn what they need to know there - and it won't fall on you to attempt to teach them.

http://etiquette-ny.com/

Could you give some examples?

I know people speak of proper etiquette as if there is one right answer, but when it comes right down to it, many families have different ideas about proper mealtime behavior. You are probably correct, but do consider the possibility that you have high standards.

ETA - Sounds like typical teenagers to me. Even kids with the best manners will often rebel and not want to do any "work" during those years.

I would talk to your husband about setting expectations that you are both happy with. Once the two of you have agreed, let them know during dinner. If you are still setting out the food, maybe say, "Ah, ah, ah ... no one takes a bite until everyone is seated." Do you say grace? Our boys know that no one eats until we say grace. Lately I've been letting them know that we don't say grace until I am seated and tell them we can! Otherwise they've eaten and are asking for seconds before I even sit down. Of course, as my husband points out, it might be easier if I make sure all the food is on the table before I call them :-)

Ha ha to Fuzzy - I agree, at this age, kind of hard to teach kids in general how to stop being crass. I think if they have manners in general, they usually translate to the table. But for basic stuff, sure - they can be taught (like not chewing with mouth open, etc.) but only if they care. And as Veruca says, this is entirely up to their parents. Not sure what relationship/dynamic is like (if you have this kind of role with them already) but I certainly would not overstep.

What does their father think or say? Is it your opinion that they are crass, graceless and rude or have others remarked on their crassness, rudeness and gracelessness?

So how long have you been in the picture? The girls are in their late teens so if you are a new addition to the family I'd say you need to stay out of it. You aren't their mom and it is highly unlikely that your input will be valued. If you aren't a new addition then why did you let them get to this age without social graces?

Bring it up to your hubby and let him and his ex deal with it. Not your circus not your monkeys.

They are not your children. Stay out.

sooooooo..........
your husband is an extremely wealthy CEO? or the mothers are?
have they asked you teach them etiquette?
if not, how is it any skin off your nose?
what's graceless and rude is telling grown women that they need to learn etiquette from you. that's known as 'irony.'
khairete
S.

I thought there were schools for this that taught these kids how to act at the table. This is something that should have been handled at home when they were growing up like 8 or so.

If you need to, get a few books and brush up on the etiquette before you begin with them. Have a "tea" party or a special luncheon. Make them dress up in nice clothing and such and then bring them to the dining room and set them down with the fully dressed table -- tablecloth, napkins, all the silverware and dishes. Explain to them how each is used and proceed to do so. Let them know that for the next (x) you will be having a lunch and this is to prepare them for the world of high society.

Also while you are at it, have them learn how to write thank you notes and address envelopes as well.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS Possibly have a couple of their friends join you and make it a learning lesson for them as well.

I will suggest that their father set some rules for your home (but don't get your hopes up). I would not ignore it since it is happening in your home (or shared home). It shouldn't be about your trying to be their mom or not the mom, it is simple respect for other people and it sounds like they are lacking in that area.

I had to explain to my stepson (and his girlfriend) that I was not their maid and had to remind them about cleaning up after themselves. They don't live with us anymore, but they now understand where I was coming from since they have two very sloppy, lazy roommates.

What goes around comes around eventually.

Not sure what their parents' wealth has to do with it. Are you saying they were raised with servants and a sense of entitlement? Then they aren't the problem, their father and mother are. Their father has to ask them to do stuff? Then he's aware of it. But if they just throw things in the sink, have they been specifically told by him what is required? Or is he just letting them do the bare minimum to appease you?

If he wants them to do more, then he has to demand it, or he has to apply consequences for their defiance. Why, for example, are you still bringing all the food to the table while they are eating? Why isn't everyone given a few dishes to bring in together? What do you mean by "express gratitude"? Do you want them to thank you? If everyone helped, then the thanks would be mutual. Or are you suggesting a before-meals blessing? If the latter, is that their religious tradition?

What do you do when they jump up and leave? Do you critique them to their father? I think I might just sit quietly and finish my dinner in a leisurely way, and then the next night I wouldn't be cooking since it's not appreciated and you apparently aren't cooking what they want/demand since they are bolting from the table before you even sit down. So I wouldn't keep going back for more punishment. I'd tell them to fix what they like as you have put plenty of things in the fridge, and if there's anything else they want, they can just put it on the grocery list or go pick it up themselves.

I suggest that your problem is with your husband's parenting. So work with him. Or, if you are trying to impress them and be accepted by them (which I completely understand - I'm a stepmother of 2 girls!), realize that this isn't working.

I don't understand Julie S.'s indignant comments about not being able to afford the right dishwasher. I don't think that's your point. But I do think that you labeling them in a certain way, as if their economic status requires a level of manners that one shouldn't expect of poor kids, really sells out the kids who were taught skills regardless of their parents' incomes.

It's also possible that this is a form of rebellion - not just as teens but as kids who have a new woman in their lives and their father's life. If they know better and just aren't showing you, then this is defiance. That's a whole different problem than poor breeding. When a parent marries, things change, and that's hard for kids. If they are as poorly prepared for this marriage as they are for life, the fault lies with their father. He's handicapped them for their adulthood.

I suggest a good sit-down with him, and perhaps counseling, to say, "This isn't working, I'm getting frustrated, and that's no way to live. So instead of me trying to please them with efforts that aren't appreciated, how about I just bow out of all the domestic stuff and let you handle it, as you did before I came along?" Then go back to filling the fridge only and making your own delicious dinner for 1 (or 2 - for him) and letting them happily choose what they want. Put out paper plates and be done with it. You're not their maid, you're right. If the dishes are there the next morning, it's up to your husband to assign chores or do the dishes himself.

You don't lecture them. But you can show them good manners by modeling them.

Alternatively, you could point out their behavior to your husband and maybe he would say something to them. But no, you can't openly correct them.

Their dad should do it. Every night he should say what the polite thing to do is...even if they are ignoring him it is sinking in. It is polite to wait till we are all at the table before starting to eat. It is polite to ask to be excused. It is polite to ask to be passed the peas. You are old enough to rinse out your plate and put it in the dishwasher. Right now. Yes, you have to go back and do that right now. My brother was a total slob but then when at friend's houses he would suddenly turn on the manners. His friend's mom would give compliments to our mom...who was always like, What? My child did that?! I don't know if you are a new stepmom or have been around for years...that is why I say let dad do it. It's his job as a parent. You can too easily be seen as the bad guy.

Sounds like they don't have respect for you. You sound like you do not respect them.

Not much to do about teaching them etiquette other than modeling the behavior.

Sounds like they need to attend manners classes but it won't stick. They will likely not learn these things until they're starting out in life and hunting for jobs. They'll have a lot of advice from peers then and professors and job coaches/head hunter practice stuff.

One of my friends went to etiquette classes as an accounting graduate. He landed the first interview he went on. He learned impeccable manners and etiquette through a program in his department.

Late teens? Too late. Just don't eat with them.

They are older and as such will not see you as a mother figure, so it is really up to their father to insist on appropriate behavior. Have a talk with him about what you expect at the dinner table and then ask him to please be consistent in insisting on it at every meal. If they insist on continuing to be disrespectful then I would stop cooking meals for them, make a little something for yourself and let the other deal with their own hunger. And they should be washing the dishes if you are the one cooking, like you said, you are not the maid. You need to insist your husband force them to do so, or he can do the dishes himself, but I would not touch them.