Seeking Advice on What to Do About Mother-in-law

I am in the middle of a nasty situation of a similar matter. Are you in the state of Virginia? I know that our local Department of Social Services provides help with childcare. They will help you find a reasonable provider and even pay part of the services. Before I was going to court, my youngest child was not in school yet and I sent her to a day care/pre-school program that was $80/week from 7 am to 3 pm Monday through Friday. Social services paid all but $20/week (my co-pay). Are you able to quit your job and stay at home with your son?

You are dealing with a common problem. I go through the same thing with my own mother with my children. It took me a long time to just accept that grandparent get their revenge on us by spoiling our children to the point it makes us CRAZY. Have you and your husband tried talking with your mother-in-law about what you expect from her while she is caring for your son? If you have not then maybe you both should sit her down and calmly explain to her that what she is allowing him to do is not good for him. Let her know that it is okay to let some things go but not the important ones( you need to set some guide lines). I know this sounds like easer said than done, but it does work EVENTLY. I have had to have this talk with mother for each of my children when they were babies. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have also had to train my kids to know that what you may get away with at grandma you will not get away with it with me! I hope this has helped you in some way. A.

A.,
you in a tough spot, however that is your son and he has to respect you. He is really young so you may have a hard time becuase he dosnt understand, but he does know when you say no and you are correcting him. I have a 17 month old and he knows when I am serious and not playing any longer, they aren't stupid very smart. Grandparents always spoil the child so you can't go around that, but you can speak with her and make sure that she understands that his behavior is unacceptable,a nd she should be setting examples for him and not having him undermind you. You and her have to have a talk and set the rules. If this continues you wil not be able to handle him.. You do have to reprogram him becuse grandma is probably letting him get away with everything, but he has to understand that mommy has diferent rules and behavior has to stop.
Let me ask you this, day care is very expensive and I am blessed that I dont have to work I am at home with my 3 and 17month old. can you and husband be able to manage with one income. Its a sacrafice if you can it will pay for itself. No more baby sitting problems, if you can't then how about any older teenagers in your area, that you think you can trust for a couple of hours, or just be straight up with your mother in law and speak with your husband you two have to work together.

She is def. spoiling him way too much. Surely you can come up with a LITTLE money for a sitter ? Have you tried craigslist.com ? You can post and ad for free and state how much money you can pay and so on... I am sure someone will be able to help. We are really tight on money too and I found someone to help out.
Maybe you should try telling you MIL that you know she is spoiling him way too much and if she isnt going to listen to what you say about your OWN CHILD than you are going to seek someone else to watch him. Something similar has happened to me and that what I told my mom, so far everything has been great since then. Good Luck!

A.,
I would talk to your husband, how does he feel about this? Was he raised this way?

After talking to him and you and he are in agreemen- He should meet with his mother and discuss the issues and explain to her why it is important to you both that these rules are in place. Be sure to thank her for what she has done and appreciate her love and concern but that you don't want to confuse Caleb so everyone should be on the same page.

Hello Ann--
I had a problem with the same of my three children. But thank goodness it was holidays and special trips only. You may have to break down and try to find a reasonable childcare rate. Or really have an heart to heart talk with yourselve, husband and his mother to make sure that she assist you both in staying with the rules you have for your son. Letting her know the importance of you all trying to give him some consitancy with do's and not's. Or childcare center which will be hard also with some of the other habits others may infulence on him. Try your church! Good Luck!!

I don't think your son is upset about you leaving him with his grandmother. Sounds like to me that he gets spoiled too much with her and when he gets home that he expects it to be the same way there. I think what you should do if have already talked to her is see if you employer will let you go full time or find a higher paying full time job and put Caleb in Daycare. I hate to say that, but in daycare they have to abide by the rules that you give them. I am an advocate of daycares because I have had my daughter in a few since she was 10 weeks old and she is now 14 months old. Also, if you don't like how that daycare is then find another one or see if anyone in your town is offering babysitting in their home (they are usually cheaper and you can do background checks on them). Also see if any of your local churches offer a daycare service. Some do and they are also way cheaper than your normal daycare. Good Luck!

M.
26yrs old.Mother of a beautiful 14month old little girl named Abigail. Husband and I are both full time workers and also Both Students in College. Trust me, If we can find a way to do it you can too!

hi A.,
When my children were little, my mother in law used to do the same thing, finally after months of pure he** at home after getting my kids from her house, i had, had enough. I went to her one day when it could be just the two of us. i asked her to lunch, (public places keep it from getting ugly) and over lunch simply explained to her that they were MY children and not hers, and she would abide by MY rules when it comes to raising them. She had her say for her children, now it was my turn. I also explained to her that if she couldn't abide by MY rules that she would not be able to see the grandkids at all unless I was there, and she would not over ride my decisions while i was there. shr really had no choice but to agree with me. I went home and told my husband what had took place over lunch and explained to him that he had to stand with me on this issue no matter what. he agreed. It didn't take to long before my mother in law had changed her tune, in dealing with my children.
I know that you can't afford to hire a service to watch your son, but maybe you can bluff your way threw it. I couldn't afford one either, but that's what i did, bluff. if worse comes to worse, check and see if your company provides some kind of daycare at your office. If you don't stop it now, you will end up with alot more problems later on. before you can teach your child respect for you - you have to start with the mother in law, if she doesn't respect you, then she will pass that to your child. So set the ground rules now, and no matter how harsh it seems, don't back down!
good luck - i hope that this helps you some!

I have gone through the same thing just with my sons aunt and nana. what you have to do is stand your ground. when he acts defiant towards you at grandmas house you need to follow through with the same punishment he would get at home. along with that you need to explain to her in a subtle way that him being at her house is causing problems with his attitude towards you and your husband. make sure your husband will back you since it is his mother. if you have to keep him away from her house for a little while to let her know this is not acceptable. I did all of this and things are much better with my son. Also, things are still good with the aunt and nana with a little more respect given both ways!

Terrible 2's sorry honey most all kids in my experiences act the same way when they are left with someone else i bet he would act the same way if you had him at a day care. But that is only my opinion May God Bless You. K.

Hi A.! I somewhat have the same problem w/ my husband's mom. Now, she doesnt watch my kids, but my 3 1/2 year old does spend the night w/ her sometimes. I also feel as though I have to "re-program" her when she comes home. I've mentioned to my in-laws about her behavior, and they laugh it off. My mother-in-law says "it's her right to spoil the kids". And that she can do what she wants. But she's also gotten a little bit better when it comes to saying "no". I just think that some granparents take the whole "grandkids" thing to the extreme. Maybe your mom-in-law feels as though she does nothing wrong, because she spends so much time w/ your son. Maybe she feels as though she's raising him. Your son could also have seperation issues once your gone, and maybe spoiling him is the only way she feels he'll calm down. Either way...you & your husband should sit down w/ her & talk about the situation. But try to remember also that he is the grandkid, and spoiling comes w/ the territory...at least to some extent. Hope this helps =)

A.,
It sounds like to me that your son is doing that cause he can get away with what he wants at grandma's house. If I were you I would look into getting a part-time daycare. The one we take our 11 mon and 2yr old to is call The Vineyard off Fury's Ferry. It is really reasonably priced and they only go from M-T 8:30 to 1:30pm. They are off on Fridays. So you could have your mother-in-law still watch him on Fridays so you don't just cut her out of the picture either. This particular daycare does not have as many kids as a regular daycare so it is a better teacher to kid ratio. I think it is a great place. I hope this helps you.

Thanks,
J.

My mom was like that with my son and daughter. It got to where if I told them no they would go to her and get whatever. My son knew he could get away with anything with her. In their teens I went thru a divorce and then met someone. My son didn't like it so he packed up his little sister in his car and moved in with mamaw. He was 16 and she was 13. My mom allowed them to dictate to her and told her they wanted to live with her(where there were no rules). Mom took me to court for custody of my kids. They were made to come home, but after all these years of no rules and overruling my authority with my good child he has turned into someone I don't know. He's gotten into drugs and drinking and even trouble with the law. He also thinks he can get by with anything. He would have turned out different if this behavior was stopped by his grandmother. I worked also and didn't think I could afford a babysitter. wish I had quit now.

A.,

I think you should tell her firmly if this does not stop she will no longer be able to watch him. I know its hard but you have to stop it now or it will get worse. A friend of mine mother in law watches her children and babies her son even giving them junk food right before she picks them up at night right before dinner. She gave her son abottle until he was 4. My friend hated this and still hates it but wont standup to her. She is so stessed out over something that could easily be stopped. I hope you talk to her and I will be praying for you and your wonderful sweet boy

A.,
I understand the situation that you are in and I respect it. However, you and your husband are the parents of this child and your mother-in-law must respect you and your husband as such. If she cannot follow the ground rules that you have laid out (nap, what foods to eat,acceptable behavior etc.) then it's time to change your game plan when it comes to child care. Now you are the parent and what I have to say is simply my opinion. If you cannot get your MIL to be on the same page that you are on when it comes to your parenting style then you may need to move your child to a daycare center, hire a nanny, stop working, or other wise you are going to have a lot more problems later on than what you have now. The fact that your child is acting out so violently means that something is WRONG! He is trying to get your attention and tell you that something is not right. I can understand if you do not want to hurt your MIL's feelings and I'm not suggesting that you should cut her out of your/his life, however we are talking about the wellbeing of YOUR child. I feel like you need to take action of some kind soon. There are a lot of organizations available to people in your situation that feel that they cannot afford childcare, however there is hope, help, and support available. Take advantage of it .

Best of luck,
C.

A.,

I have been in your same situation only this took place many years ago. 1. yes I feel you son is angry with you, mine did the same thing because he feels abandoned. Did you stay home with him at first?? Kids will do anything they can to push adults to the limit!! It will take him some time to adjust. Mine did.
2. Have you tried talking to her about they way she is acting? Unfortunately it may not do any good.....my mother-in-law was the same way.
My one true solution is to try to find a place you can take him to actually help you learn how he is to act. I know it can be very expensive........we didn't go out or go anywhere for that matter after we had our first child because we couldn't afford it. But this sacrafice for us was well worth it to ensure our daughter had the best environment she could when she was so very impressionable.
I wish you the best of luck, will keep you in my prayers!!
I know its not easy!
Fellow Mom,
T.