How Can I Explain This?

The advice given below to try to talk to her and set up some rules and make it clear that if your rules are not followed, he goes to day care. The suggestion of a splitting time between her and a day care seems also seems like a good idea. I am a firm believer in family day care. Both of my children went to family day cares that were wonderful.

Many of the comments imply that day care centers will not care for you baby as well as family members. I don't believe that's true of good day care providers. The two day care providers we've used were loving, nurturing people. I consider them dear friends now, and I can tell that they loved every child that they cared for. They were also certified providers which meant that they had extensive training for emergencies (CPR, first aid, etc.), and also training for general behavior issues, nutrition, and child development. Both women I used for my kids were in the business for 20+ years, and they were not doing it to get rich. They were doing it because they loved it.

All that said, if my mother or mother in law lived close to us, it would be very difficult to say "no" to some days with grandma.

Hi P.,
I have a similar situation with my MIL...both of them. My husband's parents are divorced, and all the grandparents was a piece of our daughter's life...ALL THE TIME. No one offered to watch her, thank god. But, we run into issues frequently about "how things are done." My one MIL just needs a confrontation of sorts, it sounds awful but it is true. She actually needs a firm hand before she'll listen. The other one, well we haven't found a perfect way to deal with it yet. She's a wild card. She doesn't get a subtle hint, and any direct communication soon becomes hysterics. So, ultimately, she's manipulated us into never confronting her, without an all out emotional scene. ugh, it's exhausting thinking of it.

I can appreciate what some responses have communicated about, "hey, what's the problem! You're lucky!" However, I'm willing to bet those people haven't had a MIL drive them to tears ona regular basis over not listening to them and undermining them. Also, avoiding situations like this--in the end--is just the thing you NEED to keep the peace. It just becomes too much, too close, to heated. My Mom is that kind of grandparent. Listens to us, praises our parenting style, etc. She spoils our daughter, but is very respectful of it and rarely questions us. So, we don't mind the spoiling so much because we know she's in-tune with what we're doing.

If you can stand having her watch your child 2 days a week. I do believe it is the best interest of your family to keep the peace and compromise. Share your concerns with your husband. Make sure you two agree on the "rules." Then sit down with her, and have HIM explain them to her, clearly and firmly. Have her keep a log of your son's day, as any daycare would do, so you can see how is day is progressing. Then, you can say let's try this out for 3 months and then see how we're doing. Across the three months, just be on top of your communication, and make sure you and your husband are a united front. As for the daycare aspect of it, tell her you think the social interaction is important. That will take the sting out of it for her.

As for her raising your husband, and him being a man you'd want to marry. Well, often our strongest personality assets and our weakest personality defects stem from our upbringing. It's sort of irrelevant that she raised your husband, that doesn't make her an authority, or validate her. The bottom line is that the two of you chosen a parenting philosophy and she can respect it and get on board or not.

As for daycare being a good or bad solution, everyone has a different idea about this. I had to work. I still do. We both do. So, we had to have someone watch our daughter. A Nanny was out of our budget, so we found in-home daycare. For us, it was the perfect solution. More personable, and family feel, more affordable, but more socialization. Everyone has to do what they have to do. I have many friends who ADORE their daycare. Many daycares have streaming webcasts and you can log-on and watch your children. There are pros and cons to both.

At some point, your quality of life and sanity outweigh any money you're saving. You'll know that point. There are many ways to save money, and many things you're willing to spend extra money on because they afford you more of your life back, or they keep you mentally where you need to be. If your MIL drives you nuts, and causes fights, etc. It will not be good for you, your child or your marriage.

Good luck, I know this is hard. There is no "perfect" solution. I hope you work it out soon!

Im sorry but I dont understand ...? Your upset because you have a loving grandparent that wants to watch your child for free .... My mother in law would love to watch my daughter and I wish I could let her but she lives in Scotland... Grandparents are supposed to spoil a child! They are supposed to give in to the child..... You will never get your child the care in a daycare he would have from his grandmother... you know what my grandmother lived with me ..and spoiled me ..and guess what .... I will cherich the nineteen years I had with her for the rest of my life... Dont deprive your child of the affection and bond between his grandmother and him... Too much love will never hurt a child ... do you know how much more children that attend daycare get sick? My mom spoils my daughter and I have a structure with her ... Children are either well behaved and structured or not ... My daughter is home with me and sees her grandmother almost everyday who spoils her and she sleeps great is very well behaved ... Her cousin who is the same age and goes to daycare ,,,,is a terror ..(adorable and sweet but sleeps with her parents, runs off , etc ...) so too much structure can hurt a child ... Not saying they dont need structure but at the expense of taking away time between child and grandparent... Grandparents arent around forever and every child ..should get to enjoy them as long as possible ... its such a special bond... If shes not hurting him and loves him ... why waste your money ....?????? that seems foolish ... In the end that money you save can only help your family .....

I know exactally how you feel I am a mother of four children and when my ex and I had split up I had to raise two kids alone and then I met my now fiancee and we had to wonderful twins daughters and his mother used to tell me everything to do with them how to feed them how to play with them and how to raise them. She used to watch them for me when I had errands to run and she would change their diapers every five minutes and if they cried she would pick them up and hold them for hours and I to got angry and used to tell her that it was spoiling them and that she had to stop doing it. I wish that I could change things cause 2 years ago she passed away and i can still hear her telling me how to raise my kids and you know what picking them up when they used to cry all the time really didn't spoil them because she wasn't there all day everyday just sometimes. So I think that maybe you should let her babysit for you when you go back to work cause the bond between a grandparent and grandchild is so wonderful and unfortuanly they won't be around forever. You just need to tell her that you need a space too and that maybe you can set up a good visiting time with you and your baby that way you can bond with your baby too. Let her be involved when she is there I mean she did raise your husband and he turned out ok didn't he .

I hope that I was able to help a little

From a mom that has been there

N.

HI P.. Let me say first off that I do understand where you are coming form. My mother in law watches my 10 mth old during the week and when I get her back she is always whining and wants 100% of me, 100% of the time! What I can tell you is that I think you should talk to her. The number one reason being is the money you'd save on childcare! Plus Im sure you don't need a family rift. I explained to my mother inlaw that she cant be at the baby's beckon call becasue when I get home the baby expects that from me and I have things I have to do during my free few minutes. Try telling her that you are thinking of putting him in childcare because you think it would be hard for her to follow your expectations. That in itself may make her realize the difficultes she is creating. This worked for me and was a real wake up call to my mother in law, I think she thought I was just over exxagerating before! Good Luck! Coming from a person who used to work on a daycare, you really would rather your son with her!

How about putting your child in Daycare 3 days a week and having your mother in law watch him for the other 2 days. It would save you money and show your husband that you can compromise. Explain to your mother in law that you want your child to socialize with other children. Also explain the rules that you want followed in your absence you could do drop by checks on her and if you still do not like what you see then put the child in daycare full time. Good luck!

One one side I see your point on the other side I am so jealous. I would so much rather ave my MIL watch my child than strangers at a day care. She might not be perfect, but she loves your son to pieces, you cant say as much about the day care staff.

boy do I know how you feel, I am going through the same thing, and My mother thinks I don't know how to raise my son. She is always re-arranging his room, picking him up at a whimper, and sends me subtle hint on things that she thinks I am doing wrong. How old is your son? Mine is 5 months now, and my mom sees him about 2 days a week. After all these months, it sounds weird, but he knows when Grandma comes, he gets spoiled, but when it's mommy and daddy, he doesn't, and I just think that he now knows that thats how it is, thats why he gets sooo excited to see Grandma. If you give it a little time, I think your child will come to realize that.

i think you should let you mom in law watch him. you said she lives with you how convienient. the money youll save and trust me i work in a center as an aide and some of the ladies who work there shouldnt be alowed to work with children. when you meet them its all good but once you leave your child in thier care you dont have any idea whats going on. and being an infant they cant tell you think about that no one loves your child more than you your husband and the family. trust me if you tell the provider how you want your child treated they will agree but then do what they want. please let your family take the baby so he can be in the comfort of his own home , besides the grand parents are suposto spoil
good luck

I kind of had the same situation for the last 4 years with my mil...she lived with us, and was helpful, but i didn't like how she would watch my eldest ( or not watch her, shall i say?) so I most defiantly had issues with her watching my younger daughter, who is now 8 months. My mil has been diagosed with manic-depressive disorder, bi-polar, is morbidly obese, and just plain lazy. (no, i'm not just bashing her). I finally put my foot down when i caught her watching tv and she didnt notice that the 4 year old was giving the cat a haircut with the scissors she (the 4yo) had taken out of the bedroom closet!!! I told my husband that was it, either she went or i did, i was not letting her watch either of my children for more than 5 mins. My husband thought i was just making it all up, that he didnt see it, until Morghan started acting like his mother, and then he caught his mother asleep while she was feeding the baby.
Needless to say, his mother is no longer living with us.
you just have to rely on your gut feeling about who watches your children, and stick to it regaurdless of what someone says or thinks. My mil is REAL big player of the guilt trip, but i learned that she would do it to manuipulate me, and to ignore it!! Good luck and best wishes!!

P.,
On the flip side of what the other two responses have been: My mother in law lives in our inlaw apartment and volunteered to watch my son when he was first born on Mondays. Now, seeing that she raised a son that I married, I was thrilled to have her take such a part in Jr's life plus this is the bonus that she told me about when I agreed to have her live with us: Daycare! I didn't pay attention to what my sister in law warned me about: She will not listen to you, she will not follow your wishes, she will not care about what you are doing developmentally, she is concerned with only her way - Unless you put your foot down hard in the very beginning, don't rely on your husband to do it -

At the beginning of our 'arrangement' she didn't listen to a word I said. I would restate and restate my wishes until she would finally back down. After watching him for only a little over two months, she couldn't do it anymore (she was too tired, too sore etc.) and now I am working even more part time. (Which does not break my heart) You are an adult and the mother of this child, your way is the only way things should be done! Ask her opinions on the small stuff and she might respect your decisions on the big stuff.

If you feel that strongly about your wishes, just continue to restate and restate. On one hand it is a nana's prerogative to spoil, but on the other hand it can't be constant! I am fortunate that I was told to look out for what happened and that same sister in law (who forewarned me) is my sons daycare provider and I can not tell you how much value there is in having a family member look after the love of your life!
Good luck and stay strong!
M.

I understand where you are coming from. My mom was constantly undermining me at every turn whenever she watched my first. I had to wirte out a schedule which she eventually did lean to follow. The reason? The novelty of spoiling my son wore off. She watched him enough to see that her picking him up all the time and throwing my rules out the window was ruining him. I say let your MIL watch your son 2 or 3 days a week for a couple months. Once she gets enough of bad behavior, she'll start to back down. Make sure you set some guidelines, but also respect that she did raise your husband. It will take some getting used to from both of you, but I'm sure you can both work it out. If it doesn't work out, then you can put him in day care full time. Good luck!

Hi P.!

My mother actually watches my daughter 2 of the 3 days that I work. I happen to love the fact that she is home with my mother and would prefer that she be there all three days. My husband does have a hard time with my mother being at our house so much, so we had to establish some clear guidelines with her. This has made it easier for me to be at work and much more enjoyable for my daughter to be with her grandmother. I have to say though that now that she is over a year I do see the social benefit of going to a daycare. She is so much more outgoing than other kids we know that are at home all the time. Maybe consider a split in who your child is with. Good Luck!

H.