Seeking Advice on Separation and How It Affects Young Children

My ex husband left when my daughter was 9 months old and my son was 2. Now my kids are 9 and 7. We are both remarried and I know it is h*** o* them sometimes to go back and forth between homes (we have shared custody) but they are in 2 loving homes and I think that is what is most important. They learn about relationships from what they see.

Speaking from personal experience, The Younger The Better!!! I am now 30 years old and My sister and I were only 1 1/2 and 3 when my parents got divorced. I dont even remember it. My mom did get re-married however we were again so young that he just took on that role of being dad. I think that staying with each other for the kids is the worst idea. My mom just divorced from her second husband of 26 years. At home they still had 2 young children, (and 4 older ones that were out of the home),that they needed to raise together. However I think most divorces are ended so bitterly that they end up saying horrible things about the other not knowing the children are listening. Then that starts a mess, for me the worse thing is to be at my now ex-stepdads house and have him talk nasty about my mom. That is diffently something that parents need to work on. If anything that is the most devistating to hear the people you love talk bad about the other parent.
I think it is very important for you to be happy. I think that if you arent you cannot parent correctly. Case in point my mother spent the last 15 years of her marriage unhappy as a result, so were her kids, I have had to remove myself from going to family gatherings because I didnt like how angry everyone was and some still are angry. I think being an unhappy parent directly effects your children.
I think that youwould be just fine on one income. Lots of people do it and the adjustment might be the hardest thing.
I think that the impact for the four year old might be your biggest hurdle. Acting out, crying, bet wetting those types of things might all happen when you decide to seperate. All those things can be fixed though.
It is a hard decision to make, I think that staying active in your community and church (if you go??) there is always alot of support in a church. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are happy. Stay strong!!

Hi T.,
My name is K., and I can totally relate to where you are at. I am a working mom of a 2 1/2 year old, and in a marriage that isn't working, either. We, too, are in counseling, but it isn't really solving anything. I am going through the same questions, and I know the answers are hard and you constantly second guess yourself. I would love to make new friends as well, especially ones that can relate, as mine are not only limited right now, but are either single or happily married. Feel free to email me or call me, maybe we can help each other or gain a new friend to have some fun with and escape the madness for a minute or two! K. V. ###-###-#### or ____@____.com. I wish you the best in your tough time...

The younger the children the easier it is in divorce. It is tough to get through the adjustment period but if both parents are cival and put the kids first it's not that bad. That's most important part is to work together raising them seperately.

I broke it off with my daughter's dad 6.5 years ago and just now I finally feel ready to get back into a serious relationship with someone new. I really enjoyed being single and just focusing on my daughter but now it's time for me to focus a little more on me.

You have to love yourself before you can love others and a Happy mom will make any household single/or married a better household.

Financially you'll have to figure it out, you'd get childsupport and probaly spousal support for awhile. There's lots of programs and support for single parents out there.

Major changes always require an adjustment on everyone's part. However, your children will be better off with a mom who's happy and healthy than one who's feeling stuck and miserable.

You are responsible for your own happiness.

At some point the kids will realize that you're sticking it out for their benefit and they won't appreciate your efforts. If you resent the situation, it will show through and they'll resent that.

There is no point where your needs recede and you think only of the kids. If you can't take care of yourself, how can you take care of anyone else?

Good for you for reaching out and talking about it. You deserve to be happy, and your children deserve to have a happy Mama. My parents got divorced when I was 13, and it was the worst time for me hands down. If I would have been younger (like my brother) it wouldn't have been such a struggle. As far as money, yes, you're right having a two-income household is nice, but is it worth your sanity and happiness? You sound like a strong woman...you'll make it work. All my best!

I am a mother of a 4 year old son, Nicholas...In October of 2005, my husband and I divorced and agreed to joint physical and legal custody. We decided to remain in the same area as the other and only live 10 minutes apart...He has our son on Monday's, Tuesday's and every other weekend. I take my son Wednesday's, Thursday's, Friday's and every other weekend...We have been doing it for over 2 years now and my son has taken to it very well so far...I am always asking my son for reassurance that he is happy so that I know that it isn't having a negative impact on him. Children can sense when things aren't what they are suppose to be.

If you decide to split with your husband, just always show them and remind them of how much you love them and how much you want them to be happy... Try to keep the peace between the 2 of you for the children's sake...My ex-husband and I get along really well, better than we did while together...

My son and I have dates like going to movies, going shopping together, the zoo, etc...

Just to fill you in from the kids point of view- it is much better to separate than to live in an unhappy home. I grew up with parents who hated each other and constantly fought. They stayed together "for the kids". My sister and I used to go to bed each night and pray they would divorce. PLEASE do not let your children grow up unhappy---they will adjust to 2 happy homes much better than one unhappy one.

Hi T..
If you absolutely cant't save your marriage there are options and help for single parents. I think it's better to end a marriage than to stay in it for the children's sake. You don't want them to grow up in a household that is full of stress and argueing. I've been there as the child that was growing up with parents that argued a lot and it's scary for the children when they don't understand what is going on. My 15 year old son and I have been on our own since day one. I do receive child support which you of course you would as well. It's not impossible to make it work. Check with your local community center. They may have programs for single parents where you could meet others in the same boat. Your children are at an age where they will adjust easier to the situation. They will be better off in a happier home. Good luck.

Every child gets affected differently. I'm 30 years old and my parents divorced when I was 5 years old. I lived with my mom and my dad moved to the east coast. I didn't understand what was going on but I remember feeling hurt inside. However, ten years later, it all came out. I was diagnosed as a manic depressive and have been on medication ever since. Once my dad moved to the east coast, he'd only call about once every two weeks, if that and then he'd wite letters. Then all of that stopped for me and he hasn't spoken to me since but he's close to my sister. I talk to him on occasion now only because I just had my first child November 2nd and I'm not going to keep him from his grandchild, but he also is now retired and built a house on 5 acres next door to my sister and her family. I won't get into my situation but if you have questions, please feel free to ask because I have been through A LOT with this!! Now, I have a sister who is 3 years old er than me and she didn't have any kind of reaction to the situation whn she was growing up or even now as an adult. I guess I would suggest that you be as open with your kids as possible withthe situation and make sure both parents are involved with the kids! I have a very hard time getting close to people and trusting them because I'm afraid that once I get close or open up, they'll leave. This is a very hard situation to get through! I don't have many true friends because I don't open p to everyone. Or people think I'm not friendly or something because I don't talk that much, I'm just very observant and I take mental notes and go from there. But, divorce affects everyone differently!!I hope this helps. Please ask me any questions if you have them!

D.

I would like to suggest a book to you to incorporate into your marriage counseling. I don't know what your situation is, but the little that you've said sounds like you could possibly be happy in your marriage again if you are both willing. When my husband and I got married we were given a book that I have found to be a great asset to keeping our relationship healthy. Granted it only really works the best if both people participate. Same goes for the counseling as well, if only one is trying then it is doomed to fail. The book is His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. he is a successful marriage counselor right here in the twin cities. He also has a monthly news letter that you can subscribe to via e-mail. I don't remember the address right off hand but you can google it.

I have always looked at marriage like a job, because it takes work to make it successful and it isn't always easy and it's even harder when children are involved. My parents divorced when I was rather young and being on that side of the fence I can tell you that either way you need to be able to communicate to each other for the best interest of the children no matter how your relationship turns out.

You can make the money work if you have to, it is simply setting your priorities and be realistic about what you can afford and what you cant. That is good for any person no matter their situation.

The other thing is to not talk negative about your spouse in front of the children. negativity spawns negativity, don't go looking for it or creating it, it will just add to your unhappiness. If your willing to look for the positive in your surroundings you will find it.

children adjust better the younger they are, but it is still important that they know they are loved. Not just now of course but as they grow up, each of you need to express your love for them, whether that is together or separate.

I agree with the previous responses, that your happiness will help your children and that the younger the better. But please try to recognize that having two young children is extremely stressful on ANY marriage. You are problably sleep-deprived and spread too thin.

I have two sons, ages 2 and a half and 1. I am going through something similar and have been wondering the same questions. I feel much more hopeful when I remember what my relationship was like with my husband before children, and when I talk to friends with older children. They all say that it gets easier when the youngest is 2. I'm counting on that!

J.