Schedules vs Fly-by-Your-Pants *UPDATE*

When my first two boys were little I got a book on child care and it was full of schedules. When to eat, sleep, sit up, lay down...the whole works. It made me a nervous wreck thinking if it was nap time why weren't they napping, etc. Finally when the next one was born I had more sense and realized they did need routine but not schedules because that isn't realistic. Routine is good for kids. After eating they'd knew it was nap time and would be ready and not a hassle. And so on with other things that needed done. We always ate together as a family, routine, but not always at the same time. I was flexible if we needed to eat a bit later. It helps with brushing teeth, getting ready for bed, picking up toys, etc. So kids do need it so much and it teaches some discipline I think. Also, I am a firm believer that parents need it too. Or at least I did. If it makes you miserable there is something you need to do differently but it should make things happier.

I never did well with schedules because a moms job is to work around everyone else. My job doesn't make things any easier. I have daycare parents coming at all hours to pick up or drop off children. I can't even take a shower without having to get someone to watch the kids and front door. But it is just as hard when you have your own and your husband is in and out of the house. As the kids get older, there is ever changing appointments, lessons, sports, birthday parties etc. It never stops.

The best thing that helps me is to keep the house as clean as humanly possible. It's the first thing I think about in the morning. I wake up before everyone else and jump into the day by picking up, sweeping, mopping and starting a load of laundry and doing any dishes from the night before. If I can go into the day feeling like I have a head start, everything else just falls into place.

Child wise.. I do teach the kids that they must sit and do absolutely ZERO running around when I am cleaning if they are up. It is just as much their responsibility to help. But the biggest way they can help is by not running behind me and undoing it all. So the little ones can sit on a couch with one or two toys or books, watch a video etc., and the bigger ones can read a chapter book or actually help with some chore they are able to do.

I know there are a lot of other things in life that matter as much as house cleaning. But I cringe when I hear people making excuses about letting their house go for the sake of spending time with the kids. I manage to keep a clean house AND do plenty of activities with the kids. Everyone SHOULD. What are we teaching our children if we don't take some pride in our own appearance, the appearance of our home and keep right priorities? Work first, play later. How can we expect them to be productive members of society if they don't learn that very valuable life lesson?

It's also great to teach children to be flexible. Life happens and it happens when we are making other plans. If we can't roll with it sometimes, we'll be freaked out every time life throws us a curve ball.

Suzi

Well my situation is a little different.

Being a single mom who works full-time. I have to have a schedule, my life would be extremely hectic.
There is just no way I could balance my house, kid, work, yard, dogs and everything else if I flew by the seat of my pants.

I've tried and I just about went crazy because I would feel so rushed and just out of whack. My house wasn't cleaned to my expectations.

By nature I'm an organized person and a person that takes charge so it comes naturally to me, so maybe that's why I feel so crazy if I don't have that order.

I know other moms that don't follow a detailed schedule and they do just fine.

My schedule isn't written down, it's in my head. I do keep a schedule for my son posted, so he knows what to expect and when. I do give him the 5 min warnings, so he knows when to be done with a task. He's responsible for marking of what he's finished. But at this moment he pretty much follows my lead and has his routine done.

I will say I will skip the schedule and go do something out on a whim, like when the weather is just too nice to stay inside.

I'd like to think my life is a mixture of schedules and fly-by-your-pants. The reason for this is because right now, my daughter stays home with Daddy Monday mornings, has her aunt watch her Monday afternoons, goes to daycare (home) Tues-Thurs and then is home with daddy until I get there on Fridays. This in itself forces us to not be on a strict schedule because she wakes up at different times on Mon/Fridays versus when I take her to daycare!! Her nap times are different when she's at home versus daycare and on the weekends, we let her stay up later if she's napped later. That being said, this has always worked for us.

As far as other parts of our life that are on a schedule, bedtimes always include the same things - bath (if bath night), change diaper, put on jammies, read books (sometimes 1 other times 20 depending on the time and how much cuddle time we've had during the day), prayers and then songs/humming while I rock her. When she's drowsy or asleep, I put her in her bed. She moved to a toddler bed a week and a half ago (but spent four of those nights in our bed due to an ear infection) so we are still working with that transition. We co-sleep as needed so last night, it turned out to be a co-sleeping night after an hour of trying to get her to sleep. I am not one for CIO so I have to do what is best for me!!

I always give her enough time before transitioning activities (five more minutes until we leave, we'll be there in ten minutes, one more book and then it's night-night time, 2 more fruit snacks then they are done, etc).

My sister in law and brother are very structured to the point where we cannot go places if it's around naptime. NOt that this is a bad thing, but with my daughter, we've just gone and she's slept in the car or took a later nap. But as my sister in law put it, I'm much more comfortable with not having a schedule where as she is not.

If you think it's negatively impacting your children, make small changes. But I also want to let you know there are parents out there who work different shifts (as DH and I do) and are forced to be more 'fly-by-your-pants' than schedule set because that is what works for them!

Good luck!

J.,
i consider our routine to be a pretty good mix of schedule and free-floating...but the things that i am pretty rigid about are sleeping and eating times. my son is 2 1/2 and i know it has to do with a lot of other things (personality, etc), but he's one of the most well behaved and sweet little boys i've ever met (and yes i'm biased, but i'm not the "only" one that says that! lol!). now that he's older we can tinker a bit with his naptime, but when he was younger i could definitely tell if he was starting to get "off". if his nap was late, he would get SUPER hyper, then spiral down to where he was almost sleepwalking...then SUPER hyper again...and the cycle would go on until he got his nap. i would say if you're looking to start a routine with them, nap would be the first thing i would try to do at the same time everyday. even if your older son doesn't sleep, he will benefit from some quiet time, reading, or watching a quiet movie. from there i'd go to bedtimes, figure out what works for you (brushing teeth, a story, song, etc), and try to do it the same every night. it helps with fights during bedtime too. and if you establish a predictable nap schedule it will make bedtime easier too, and you can start getting them to bed at the same time every night...most likely they have their own little routines already, and you don't give details on what you're really looking to establish for them...but maybe those tidbits will help. i am ALL about routine and was, even more, when my son was little. he is always just so much happier and relaxed when we're in a good routine. of course, "waking" times is when we mix it up. we do all kinds of different things. but i try to make sure he always gets his nap and meals/snacks at around the same times. all this of course tempered with a good dose of common sense, and watching his cues. you've gone three years, you must be doing something right! do what works for your family. good luck!

Hi J.,

As an older mom (my kids are 18 and 14) I think you can strike a happy balance, but when the kids are a little older.
I personally think a schedule was the best for our family. And I think it made it easier to do things with friends and family because I knew when the kids were at their best.
Now having said that, I had friends who were SO structured they were completely thrown for a loop if something threw off their routine!

And as the kids get older you really need the balance. I can say that dinner is at X and I expect everyone to be there but coach calls an extra softball practice or our son will show up unexpectedly from college with a friend or a neighbor had an accident and needs help.

I would say that if being flexible is working for your family work with it. But since you said you may be paying for it now, you may want to look at some sort of structure. You didn't say how it may be having a negative effect on your family. I can tell you that for our family, at least having a bedtime routine helped my husband and I's relationship! I think structure or not it is difficult for mom's to wind down and save some time and energy for their partner. 8:30 pm was bedtime, period! I know once the kids were in school they were in their room listening to music or whatever and not actually in bed asleep, but after 8:30 it was my husband and I's time. And it's not that we hopped in bed together but just to spend time together in a room without little interruptions was HUGE! To have a conversation without little ears! That would be a great place to start.

I know it sounds cliche but kids really do well on structure and organization and if they are not used to it that may have more difficulty once they hit school. But again, at least from our experience, the flexibility comes in handy as they are older.

Good Luck and in good health,

Lori K
www.YourKitchenCoach.net

My boys are older. We had some what of a schedule when they were really little but when the husband left
(age 3 and 4) it threw me for a loop so I tried not to check out but kinda did for a couple of years. (no pills, drugs or anything like that) There was a kid down the street that needed someone to pay attention to him too so he pretty much stayed with us for the next 7 years. (spent the night about 5 times a week) That was a mistake. I felt so guilty over my kids parents not being together I was laxed. (is that a word? it sounds good.) Anyway I never got them into a routine for homework and it hurt them. They have/are struggling through Algebra 2 and they never bring a book home - ever. The oldest graduates in two weeks - Thank God! But the youngest will have to take a math class his Senior year and pass to graduate. I'm a little worried. Now don't think I haven't told them for the last 13 years "bring your homework home -- bring your books home etc...". And when they were in 8the grade down they brought books home. But it was the routine that was lacking.

Those of us who go through divorce we do no service to our children to become martyrs and let the guilt guide our decisions in raising our children they still need morals, manners and rules. We let the fear of them going to live with the other parent sway our decisions and be more lenient. Love your kids,pray for the,take them to church, spend time with them (which I did do), just pay attention to them, be a good parent to them)

God Bless,
L. (H. now)

I like having a schedule...with summer around the corner we will have less of one, but during the school year, a schedule works best for us. When children start school, there is a schedule, so why not get them used to it now? My 2 older children are in school (for another week) and my 3 yr old is home with me...we have a regular schedule, sometimes we're off a little bit, but it usually works out in the end, during the week. On the weekend, schedules can be a little harder and the only thing I try to schedule is naptime for my 3yr old. I've learned not to stress about it too much if it doesn't work out as planned, but all I can do is try! I think if one is too anal about schedules it can drive you crazy because our lives, especially with kids can be unpredictable.

HiJacqueline,
I loved reading your response! I too quickly forget how blessed and happy I truly am in the midst of a stressful situation. So, thanks!
Well, I am a pretty structured person, but my husband is more so. Our son turns five in July and he likes structure too, go figure! :) What works best is to find some good routines and stick to them as best you can. Ex. Bedtime-right now our son goes to bed between 8/8:30 pretty regularly. The routine is usually play time with Papi (dad) for a bit, then get changed for bed, use potty, brush teeth, then one of us will read books with him. After that he picks out a toy for bed, then we pray together and it's lights out ('cept for nightlight). He's got a definite schedule at Preschool but when we're off from school/work, I'm flexible about what we do after breakfast, but lunch, then nap immediately following are very consistent. I hope that helps. :) Have fun as you plan your new routines.

Hi J., I am a schedule freak. I have schedules for everything and the most common thing I say in the morning is "I'm behind schedule!!!" I tried to get my kids on a schedule from day one (feeding not so much but sleeping and bath and that kind of stuff). I like knowing what I'm doing and when I'm doing it. I can drive my husband nuts!! But my kids are turning into me :o) They like knowing that at 5:20 pm is dinner, 6:30 pm they take their baths, at 7:30 pm the younger daughter goes to bed, at 8:00 pm the older one. They make their own plans through the day now based on my schedule for daily stuff(they are 7 & 5). They know that our daily stuff happens at X time. So when we get home they know they have to do homework and then they have about an hour to watch TV or play. They know that at 5:30 daddy will be home and we eat and their chance to watch TV is done. I think it helps the kids feel more relaxed knowing what is going to happen and when (since they really can't tell time yet). I think it also helps for when they go to school. Since everything at school is a schedule and they do the same things pretty much everyday at the same time.

But for me it can be hard, I don't like my schedules messed with and my husband is always doing it. Like just this weekend we went away overnight, just me and hubby. I wanted to leave our house by 10:30 am to take the girls to Grandma's. I had planned out what time I needed to get up so that I could walk. What time I needed to be in the shower, what time I needed to have the girls dressed and fed. And he would just not get moving, we didn't leave until almost 11. I was having a fit and he's just taking his sweet time. Drives me CRAZY! So my advice, if your going to have a schedule make sure you are flexable. But having a routine time for meals, naps, baths and bed time I think really helps the kids. Everything else I think can be flexable. Good luck!!

J.,

I will tell you a story about routines and children: when my oldest boy was about 6, we got up late one Saturday morning and hurried out of the house for a full-day outing. By the time we got to McDonalds, they were already serving lunch so that's what we ate. Later on we had dinner before coming home in the evening. Right before it was time for bed my son yelled out: "mommy, I can't go to bed without eating breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day. So he had a bowl of cereal and went to bed.

He is now 22 and no longer living at home but we still talk about that today. That shows the importance of routine for children. It doesn't have to be strict or completely controlled but kids (and parents) need certain routines to get them thru the days without too much drama. In addition to the 22 yr-old, we have 2 girls (15 & 11) and another boy 19 months. My husband and I both work full time but he works a rotating shift, which means that sometime he isn't home in the evenings or weekends. Routines and schedules are what keep me sane. My only strict rule is bedtime (8pm for the baby and 9am for the other ones during school). That allows me time for myself or to spend with my husband when he is home without having the kids knocking on the door or tugging at my pants legs.

If your current situation makes you happy, go with it. But don't feel guilty if you have to set down rules that allows you time for your marriage. If you don't take the time to spend with your husband, or to pamper yourself, it may be too late by the time the kids grow up and leave home.

Good luck,
J. B

J.,
I feel sort of in your corner. I am a very happy mother of three girls (4 mos., 2 years, and 3 years 9 months) and I have wondered often if it is to the detriment of my family that we don't have total and complete consistent structure every day. I am also a licensed elementary school teacher (although I have been too busy raising a family to work yet). But I realize the importance of routine. I have strengthened what I consider our structure as of recently, by adding yoga, French (immersion around any activity), neighborhood walks, and "dollhouse" play. We have also turned off the t.v. more often than having it on. I feel that by adding some activities that the girls can count on every day has definitely helped attitudes and relieved any anxieties that might otherwise incur about "what are we going to do today?". I struggle just like you, teetering between being happy and getting plenty of sleep to "is my day structured enough?". I've found that by adding just a little bit of "everyday predictable" stuff, we've eliminated some unknowns for the kids and filled the space with productive use of time. It has already made a remarkable improvement on what I was witnessing as the beginning of some behavior problems. I hope that helps... it seems the perfect strike of balance between rigid routine and fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants sort of day.
K.

Personally, I am not a stickler for a schedule but structure in a childs life is a good thing. You have to do what works for you and your family but kids need the stability and perdictablity in there life. I think some people take it to extreme and are too schedule oriented but there are little things that you can do and still be flexible enough to roll with the punches. Set meal times. That doesn't mean that you have to eat right at 12 everyday but plan for generally having the meal around the same time. Put the kids to bed/nap at generally the same time every night, including the weekend. Use the same routines at bedtimes, bath, storytime, songs, prayers, whatever you do, keep it consistent. They will then learn what to expect and will not fight it so much. Having a routine doesn't mean that you can't change things occationally but the once you get in a routine, you will see the difference in attitudes when they fall out of that routine and then get back on it again.

Ok, here's an absolutely ridiculous story: one Christmas season, I was actually gridding out our event schedule. My husband asked what I was doing...& I responded with, "I'm putting everything on our schedule so that we have free time...you know-so we can respond spontaneously if someone asks us to do something". Seriously!!! I actually said that! He just shook his head & said, "you're making a schedule to allow us the freedom to be spontaneous? Are you kidding me?"

LOL, but I truly believe that you need to "get your duckies in a row"....have a planned structure, & you'll be amazed at how much more you can achieve.

With my daycare, the kids all know that it's "lunchtime, naptime, snack time, Mommy time". This is the little singsong that we do each day. They know that the morning starts with "breakfast time"....& the whole rest of the day is filled with "playtime". Sometimes the older kids will prompt the younger ones!

Sooo, please devise a schedule for your family & stick to it. You'll find that everything will fall into place, & your home will be a sanctuary.....& it might even help with the tantrums!

I do not like schedules! When our family trys to follow a schedule, everyone gets frustrated. When we had kids, we had always said we would have a schedule; but it does not work for us at all. We homeschool, and honestly the only thing that is schedule is when we have activities that require a certain time to be there. Other than that, our days are schedule-free, and we are much happier that way!

K.

I'm happy to hear you are getting along so well. I agree with those who said schedules are important to a child and to the sanity of the family. I think it gives a child a sense of security. They know what is coming next. Of course, as with anything you can get crazy with it. Don't forget to schedule "free time". As children get older and want to get involved in things, many mothers forget that going to lessons is not the same as playing, and children so need free play time to just be themselves and let their imaginations soar. Just a bucket, shovel add dirt or sand and POOF, good times.
Best wishes.

I also have two boys, ages 2 1/2 and 8 months. How schedules made a difference in our family:
The oldest knows what will happen next, so he tell the younger one (who doesn't really care, but he gets a big, happy, drooly smile from older brother's attention).
The oldest one has more patience when he has to wait because he knows that when we tell him what's next, it's actually going to happen, based on past experience.
The older one helps us with the younger one so we can get out the door faster (Michaiah! Play with Tovin while mommy gets dressed, then it's time to feed the ducks!).
The younger one lets us know when it's time to feed him (growth spurts throw everything off) and sleep (again, growth spurts), but beyond that, we are very free with how we spend our time. We eat anywhere (in the stroller on the way to see the ducks), sleep anywhere (at a friends house while parents are visiting), and it's really freeing for them to know that we will respond to their needs and they will wait (relatively) patiently while we take care of our own essentials (like going to the bathroom!).

Schedules and routines make it much easier for us to show our love to each other because it is evident by the trust that we have that the others will respond to our needs. (I hope that makes sense!)

If you have any questions, let me know. Have a great day!

Hi J.,

I know you've already read lots of other posts, but after reading through I thought I'd toss my nickel into the pot.

In a child's life, scheduling is highly important. Now, I don't mean that every half hour needs to be accounted for, what I mean is that they should have an idea of what to expect.

Let me put it in a more adult way: How would you feel if your mother in law or your boss called up one morning and said "I'm coming over" and then hung up. Then she didn't show up until 7 hours later.

You'd feel anxious...the WHOLE time. Then, when they DID show up, you would feel resentful because you would have been better prepared if you had known WHEN and under what circumstances they were arriving.

Now put that in the context of your child. Scheduling prepares your child for life out there in the real world...because we aren't just raising children, we're raising children who will someday be ADULTS!

Your child will be far more content if he knows what time lunch will be, when bedtime is (and what happens leading up to bedtime), how the morning routine goes (so when mommy does "this" that means it's time to have shoes on and get out the door). I promise that it will, at the very minimum, accomplish the following: Your child will be less anxious, less tempermental, less argumentative (if they know what to expect then there is nothing to argue), easier to get to sleep at night, easier to wake in the morning, mealtimes will be less drama, and your child will feel altogether more secure and loved. They will have better study skills in school and be better equipped at setting goals and accomplishing them. They will also trust that you have everything under control and will thereby RESPECT you more. Just like in the example, when you know what to expect you are better equipped to handle things.

Flying by the seat of your pants is not the way to go...unless you would like your child to fly that way for the rest of their life.

Note: This does not mean that everything has to be so scheduled that there is a crisis if something comes up that is not on the schedule. Things change...and it is ALSO importatant to teach a child to adapt, overcome, and improvise. So, when I say that schedules are important, I don't mean every single little last minute detail...I mean the basics...like waking, meals, naps, daily chores, personal hygiene and so forth...the things that we do every day should be done the same every day.

I wish you the best of luck!

C.

If you are so very happy and your family is so very happy, go with it.

If you find that you have a child who needs more structure you may need to make adjustments for that child. But, if not, and your happy and they are happy, then you have the right solution for you.