Sad When I Should Be Happy

I don't think that you're wrong. You can be happy for her and sad for you. They're not mutually exclusive feelings. You can also be jealous and angry. Infertility is really hard. I think you'll feel a lot better if you can accept that it is not a moral failing to be upset right now, even if it's not logical. Good luck.

You are human and it fine. You just feel forlorn. Its okay.

I had a miscarriage once. When I saw other pregnant women I felt sad too. It is not 'selfish' to feel that way... it is just sadness.
Feeling sad, is not selfish.

You are a good friend, because you kept your personal 'sad' feelings to yourself. You did not put it on your friend nor make her feel guilty.

If you cannot help it, and actually shed a tear or cry when you are with her talking about her pregnancy.. then be honest. If you were my friend.... I would understand.... and I would feel for you very much.

all the best,
Susan

I don't think it helps anything to label your natural feelings as selfish, or to try to pretend they don't exist. Feelings have a life of their own, and burying them tends to make them reappear elsewhere, sometimes in more self-destructive or friendship-shattering ways.

If you can allow the sadness to exist, just watch it, give it space, you will probably begin to notice that other feelings still exist in you, too. If this woman is your good friend, she will probably understand that you have a hard time celebrating her pregnancy right now. But I hope you won't shut her out of your life in an attempt to "protect" yourself from your own sadness. That's just going to create additional complications, including, possibly, hard feelings between you and your friend. How sad would that be?

I also notice that you already have a daughter. Be aware that dwelling excessively on your sadness has the potential for leaving her feeling that she's not enough to make you happy. So be sure to spend lots of conscious time taking account of the blessings you have in your life. Not only will it make you feel happier, but you'll be modeling a fantastic life skill for your daughter. Teach her that true happiness comes from how we think about things, not from the circumstances themselves.

I've been on the other side of this situation... Perhaps it might help you to know that she probably felt anxious about when and whether to tell you. I have friends who have tried for years without success, a friend who had pregnancy blood-pressur issues (whose premmie newborn didn't survive the day), a friend who never married and dreamt of motherhood but at 50 is too old, etc... And it's always stressful on the expectant mother to tell her friends that have had difficulty. Your friend probably wrestled with feeling guilty, a feeling that she was hurting your feelings, questions of 'should I tell her or wait? Would she be more hurt if I didn't tell her sooner than later?", etc. It's an awkward, heartwrenching situation for both friends. In the end, I've always decided that it would hurt my friend(s) more if I didn't confide or tell the details upfront than if I waited or didn't include them in the news. Give it a little time. You're probably still reacting from the news.

Hey... we ALL get jealous from time to time. I'm even jealous of you, because you actually get to TRY for another (I'm not only banned medically, but my H and I aren't on good terms).

There's all the common sense "be happy with what you've got" stuff we all know how to do (especially those of us who have kids, because we have to drill it into them for years... btw... whenever I want to throw a tantrum, or I get jealous, or _________, I've found it to be an *amazing* parenting tool, because it makes me remember what overwhemling emotions these things can be, and they're *all* overwhelming for little ones).

That said... I like to do 2 things when I'm feeling jealous/depressed:

1) Play the "control" game
2) Play the "lotto" game

1) The "control" game is sitting down and thinking about what is in my control and what isn't. ((Similar to the whole God-flood-man-on-roof-canoe-rowboat-speedboat-coastguard-helicopter-man-drowns-asks god why he didn't save him-god replys-what do you mean, I sent you a canoe, a row boat, a speedboat...)). Anyhow, I sort out exactly how much I could be doing, and how much I already am. If I'm already doing everything I can be, I growl but relax. If I'm trying to control things outside of my sphere (other people, etc.) I back up. If there are things I COULD be doing but am not, I sort out the reasons. It's all very liberating.

2) The lotto game is the whole: I've just won x# of millions of dollars. What would I be doing??? Which helps me sort out what my goals are. LOL... they won't happen as FAST as if I had a blank check, but I can durn well start working on them. So what would YOU be doing differently if money were no object? My guess is that you wouldn't jump into tens of thousands of dollars worth of fertility stuff for another couple years. So what WOULD you do with it?

ALSO One of my favorite quotations EVER is this:

"I can't control the FIRST thought, but I can control the 2nd."

Sounds like you've already started this. Instead of just getting pissy, you congratulated your friend. You AREN'T happy with her right now, but you have decided both not to blame her AND to try and stop feeling a way you don't want to be. That's HUGE honey, and big hearted, and kind. Not selfish at all.

You did the right thing by not letting her see your sadness, that is a great friend. When I got pregnant my husband's brother and wife had been trying for a few years. They never congratulated me or my husband. Never even communicated with us when I was pregnant. Before this my husband and his brother were best friends. My son is two and they have only seen him five times, despite living one hour away. This causes me great sadness. Even now they cannot establish a relationship with their nephew because their feelings. I think this behavior is extreme and is not what will happen with you as you are already trying to deal with it.

You are being a great friend and trying to address your feelings. You can not control your feelings just the actions that they create. Just focus on the positive in your life now and know that things will happen one way or the other.

I am now trying to get pregnant and I completely understand the disappointment each month. I just tell myself when the time is right it will happen and if it doesn't my life is pretty good. Big hug.

I've been there. I would never judge you. You are human. The best advice I can give you is to fake it. Smile and act happy for her and eventually you will be. I met many of my mom friends when we all had our first kids in a mom/baby class. Now they all have 2,3 and 4+ kids and I've gotten presents for each and every one and smiled and cooed and held all the babies. I've always wanted a large family but it isn't working out that way. I think acceptance and giving up control of something that I have no control over and gratitude for the husband one beautiful child I have helps a great deal.

I forgot to add that the one child I have took over two years and a miscarriage. Good luck. You are in my thoughts!

You are not selfish! I fought with my husband over wanting another baby for so long. When a good friend told me she was pregnant, I literally starting crying right there! Not sobbing, but tears were flowing. I was still happy for her, but sooo jealous. She understood and took it fine. I recovered and just moved on. Try to be happy for her, but know that it is okay to feel the way you do. Just relax and it will soon be your turn. Pregnancy always seems to come along right after the couple just gives up and stops stressing about it.
Good luck!!

I'm EXTREMELY jealous of everyone who's pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years now. You are not selfish. Believe me!!!

when we were trying for our first for what seemed like forever, it seemed like everyone i worked with was pregnant. it was sooooo hard for me. every month after i got my period and would go to work with all those preggos and have to smile while i was crying inside. showers all the time, sigh.... just do the best you can, you are human, and its not selfish at all. try to be happy for her when you can, and if you just cant fake it, you have something in your eye and have to go to the bathroom, thats all. best of luck to you

there's nothing wrong with your feelings. Just try not to let her know about it. Have you seen a doctor about why you havent been able to conceive?

It's a little irritating to hear of people who try for a few months and sob about how they are infertile and going through fertility treatments when they already have a few kids... and they do it to people who haven't been able to have any children for years. Anyways, I've seen this before....

You can feel sad for yourself, and and feel joy for her, it just takes a little practice. Keep busy doing other things and be her friend. If she wants to talk pregnancy all the time, you can be open about how you are a little sad to hear it all the time due to your struggles. If she is a good friend, she will understand. You can be there for each other without always having pregnant talk be the center of attention.

It is ok to feel that way - you are not sad because your friend is pregnant, you are sad because you wish it was you too. Send your friend a card or flowers to let her know you are really happy for her even though you don't "FEEL" it at the moment. That way she doesn't have to see your face being sad and judge you whether you meant it or not. I pray for you to have success with trying and continue hoping. It will happen in time.

Before my first child and after my miscarriage, I would hold someones new baby and the tears would just start running my face and I couldn't stop them. It is normal to feel that way. You feel incomplete without a baby of your own. Somethings that helped me with fertility where loosing weight (if you are over weight), or good vitamins such as FertilAid. And overall, don't get stressed. Getting overstressed about fertility can hinder as well.

http://www.fertilaid.com/

I had three miscarriages before a successful pregnancy---very similar feelings as you're having now. Even worse were the unplanned, whoopsie pregnancies by people who didn't even plan on and/or want a baby! And we wanted O. so badly and had so much to offer a child.
I think it's normal. You're feeling the jealousy of someone getting what YOU really want. You're feeling disappointed that it's not you. It's understandable. If she's your best friend, she knows you've been trying and I'll bet she already knows this is hard for you.
Try not to let it show and be positive. Good luck on TTC yourself! Your day WILL come.