Remove My Question Please

I couldn't read past "threw away more than half the food including whole pies.". Are you kidding??!!

I have issues with my family as well. They refuse to cook for one parent but will go visit the other parent every year. I don't like to leave anyone sit alone on a holiday so I have been inviting the other parent and now they just expect me to be the one doing it every year while they get to visit everyone else and have everything done for them. I try to express tkthem how I feel and they could care less. It breaks my heart that they are so selfish and careless towards me and the other parent.

i don't know how you force people into doing something they don't want to do, because i don't try.
like you, we traveled around to visit everyone before we had kids. it only took one christmas of traveling with an infant and getting stuck in a white out on the side of the road trying to nurse an overstimulated 3 month old, and we were done. we visited at our leisure throughout the holiday season, but we spent christmas day at our home with our kids, and anyone who wanted to come over was welcome. and if they didn't? no problem. we arranged to see them in the days immediately preceding or following.
no anger. no drama. no negotiation. no 'boycotts.' no hurt feelings.
they could just as easily say 'how do we get M. to stop trying to interfere in a holiday schedule that has worked for us for 25 years?'
do your christmas how you want, and make arrangements to visit the family when it works for you. don't apologize, wring your hands, stomp your feet or try to 'get' them to do anything.
khairete
S.

I think this has to be your husband or the two of you since it's his family.

I think you just might have to be a little more straight forward about it. Tell them that you came over to their house all those years so that their children didn't have to go anywhere for Christmas and you would appreciate it if they would come to your house so that you and your son do not have to travel.

You might have offered to have everyone come over, but unless you explain why it probably just feels like an invitation. It doesn't explain that you really do what everyone to come over to your house.

You have to be more blunt.

I guess they like the tradition that has been going on for more than 25 years. I would be incredibly happy that I didn't have to host anything and that you and your child get a chance to go somewhere rather than be stuck in the house. If you really want to have family over, then pick a holiday that they aren't already hosting, or come up with something else to celebrate. Why not host an Epiphany dinner?

I don't know why people do what your extended family does.
In our family - once people have kids - they stop traveling at holiday time and just keep things small in their own homes.
I don't get why anybody has to travel anywhere - it's insane.
No, you DON'T have to pack your kid up and you don't have to have the whole (or any) of the clan over to your house.
Establish your own traditions and make your holidays YOUR holidays.

You pick your spouse, you get to have your own child, but you don't get to pick your spouse's family.

I'd follow your husband's cues and ask him to arrange holiday plans for next year. Decide if you are going or not. Don't make your choice around "it should be MY turn", but around 'what's best for my child and my husband', who are your two most important priorities.

That said, your son is not going to be anyone else's greatest priority, so maybe make a few cupcakes and freeze some? Don't suggest it will be a party, because you know from experience that these people aren't likely to come. Do make time to be with your grandmother in assisted living-- I mean, it sounds like *she* would appreciate time with your family. Put your effort where it's appreciated and then, do what you need to do for your family, without letting your anger and spite dictate your own actions.

Meh...hosting is overrated. You have a good thing going. Let it go.

I wonder if this is in part due to your SIL's family. You mentioned that your husband's brother celebrates with his wife and adult kids and his wife's family. I suspect that they are hesitent to change their plans because it's not just about them but about her family, too.

Remember, as your son gets older, this will get easier. We travel 2 hours on Christmas Day every year. If it makes it easier, you could try asking Santa to come on Christmas Evev and have your son open presents then.

If your inlaws are unwilling to change their tradition, you have two choices. Either work around their plans or don't see them. It's your decision.

I suggest that you can't change long standing traditions. You say it's your turn - but who said that taking turns was ever in the plan? It seems to me that the entire extended family established a tradition of going to a particular person's house, and no one but you wants to throw that tradition away. This isn't about turns, it's about tradition.

So, if I were in your shoes, I would talk directly with your sister in law before the next holiday. Say that you realize now how important the family tradition of Christmas at her house is, and you aren't going to interfere with that. You want your kids to be able to experience Santa at your own house, so Christmas morning will be spent at your own house - so you'll pass on the gift exchange, but that you'll be over to their house for dinner. And then maybe you can host something else - like Thanksgiving. Or an alternative Christmas celebration that doesn't happen on Christmas day - maybe a cookie exchange early in December. Or pork and sauerkraut on New Year's Day.

Don't insist on something, listen too. You want this to be something everyone is excited to do, not something you are guilt tripping them into.

Sounds like the family enjoys the tradition they have had for over 20 years. They may not want to change it because they like it. Don't take it so personally.

My sister goes to my mom's house with her kids every year. We used to go until we had kids. We tried it, it was too much effort (long drive). I never once expected everyone to change to suit us.

I am guessing that people don't come to your cake party because either they are visiting the other sides of their family (so maybe off to the in-laws) or they are tired out and want to go home. Each family may have their own thing like they to do in the evening. Why not ask?

How about having a NY's brunch? Start a new tradition entirely.

We personally do what works for our family. We stopped going to my in-laws at Christmas in favor of staying home and spending time with our kids. We see them on the 26th. Two years they were upset with us. Whatever. Put yourselves first.

There is also family dynamics at play. Don't get bent out of shape over that. That happens in every family.

Sounds like it is time for your family to insist that you get a chance to host. Otherwise you have to suck it up and go or just start your own private tradition.

When I was a kid, Christmas for my dad's side was celebrated at my grandmother's house. She had a sister, but grandma's house was bigger so it was practical to not swap. When grandpa died and grandma moved to an apartment, Christmas started to be swapped between 2 daughters of the 6 siblings (my aunts & uncles). My two aunts live within a few miles of each other in a central location. The other siblings live flung out in other places. Christmas is always celebrated in the morning/lunchtime of Christmas day.

The only way the current hosting arrangement will change again is if someone dies or the housing situation changes. It doesn't matter if I would want to host and invite them to come here, because everyone would be There regardless of what I did. It's just how it is. I'm not obligated to attend and can do as I wish with other people. Sometimes I attend, sometimes I have other plans.

If I host something at another time, a non-holiday gathering, then everyone who is able would show up. But Christmas is not mine to host. It sounds like it is not yours either. At least, not in regards to that side of the family. You can host and invite other people.

What I don't get is the "mad" part. You don't specify how they are reacting with anger or what they say. No one can even speculate about that because you didn't share any details. Did someone actually say they were mad, yell at you, etc? Or are you assuming anger because no one showed up?

They don't sound like very nice people at all. Are you sure you want to spend the holidays with them? I personally would not want them to come to my house. If I were you I would enjoy having your own Christmas at home. They will complain. They will be mad. You can't win. If you are feeling really generous plan to visit Christmas eve or for a short visit maybe for dessert on Christmas. If you really want to have them over I would invite them over for dinner when it is not the holidays...or maybe a pre-holiday cocktail party. Then expect them to be jerks about it...to come full...or to not show up...or to complain...or whatever. I think you cannot win with these people. I just read your SWH: No, I don't have the same experience as you. My mom lives in Texas. My brother and SIL are in Alaska. My husband's brother and his family are in Seattle and his sister and her family are in Pennsylvania. One of my step sisters is in Memphis and the other is in Virginia. We sometimes go visit my mom or my husband's mom for Christmas but it's expensive to fly over the holidays. Some years we try to coordinate with siblings so we can all get together. We sometimes stay home. No one regularly hosts anything. Ok...I came up with a solution to your problem! Move to another state! One very very far away ;)

You didn't discuss it, that is why they are mad. I wouldn't even call it mad, just annoyed. Instead of calling them and planning Christmas well in advance you decided to boycott their house and then are shocked they did the same to you. You were asking people to go to two different homes in the same day to see the same people. I would have ignored you for tradition myself and I love going around at Christmas.

So how about you grow up, use your words, reach out to your brother and sister in law now and say next year we would like to have Christmas at our house like you have always done.

If this happens again, freeze, donate or give away the $400 worth of food.

We had to change Christmas dates when my daughter and stepkids were little to keep from having kids in the car all day never getting to actually play with their new toys. People got pissed and they got over it. Do what is right for your kid.

Way too much drama. If you don't want to schelp your kid to the family for Christmas then don't. You can't get them to comply with something different, that's cool too. They get to make their own choices and so do you. If your husband wants to spend time with his family on Christmas outside the house then let him go and take the little one and you get a break at home. If it is super important for you to spend time with your little one on Christmas day at your home, you and your husband are going to have to decide and determine what that is going to look like and then do that without apology.

When my kids were little I always made it a point to not let them be engaged in the adult family drama by managing their expectations. I didn't tell them unreliable adults would be coming by then there was no sorrow when they didn't show up because they never knew they were coming to begin with.

After reading your So What Happened, I understand some things better. You let your desire be known and they still have no time or energy or effort in the direction you want them to go. Let it go. This is NOT about taking turns. I agree with others that have said this is about tradition, their traditions. You have to make a decision about what you and yours are going to do and willing to do but understand you are teaching your son along the way and one day he is going to have his own family and his own children and your daughter-in-law to be may have a strong connection with her family and your son is going to have to make choices too. Karma can be very unkind or very kind depending on how you have been.

I would love to go to someone else's house on Christmas. It's a lot of work to host.

Re: your situation, I would not plan on anybody coming for dessert or anything else until they rsvped they were coming. I would not assume they were coming. Your poor son. I understand why he was disappointed.

I think there's some missing information here. Are you saying your 4-year-old did not see any aunts/uncles/grandparents on Christmas? What about the next day? How far apart are the two houses? Did your husband talk to his sibling about the plans? Did the 25/29-year-olds have something big going on (flew in for two days at home from living abroad, brought a potential fiance home for the first time, etc)? There might be a *reason* for their behavior...your husband should talk to them.

This is super frustrating. I think you need to talk to them next year early (like Oct or Nov) and say hey we'd like to stop the madness on Christmas day and have our baby celebrate at home. We're happy to host, here's what time, etc. but we won't be able to make it to another celebration. Then talk to the grandparents and say the same thing. Put it out in the universe the way you want it and go from there. It might mean that you don't see his family on Christmas, which would be crummy, but you have to make a decision that makes you happy because clearly they aren't going to. My in laws are very similar. It is hurtful but I'm working on not making it personal (it's VERY hard given my personality) but to them I don't really think it is. It sounds like they are kind of selfish and you need to either get over it or make a new plan.

I sympathize. I am estranged from some of my family, and my husband has a daughter who will go forever without contacting him or responding to his contacts. His ex always used to feed the kids Thanksgiving dinner early (on "our" holiday) so that they came to us stuffed and tired. So I get the pain you feel. It's hard when people aren't different than you want them to be, but I think these people have shown you who they are and what their priorities are, and you have no choice but to accept that they will not change. The only thing you can change is your own behavior and attitude.

I think they may be into "tradition" and not want you to change what they have done for 25 years. But I think there's an aspect to them that is all about "control" too - which is why they rejected you by not waiting 15 minutes for the gift exchange the year you were late. You called, and said you'd be 15 minutes, and that wasn't good enough for them. And they failed to show up or trickled in already fed the one year you hosted. So they are not reliable and they don't care about inconvenience.

I think I would protect my son from that nonsense and just opt out if it's really too much. I would not invite them all over if you don't think they will come, but I would also not tell my son how many people are coming if they aren't likely to do it. I also wouldn't tell him that everyone is at Auntie & Uncle's house except him. No point in disappointing him. I would take him to see the grandmother in assisted living, as it sounds like you are the only one who will do that. "We're going to see Grandma since she's alone" should be enough for declining their invitation.

I think you have to stop talking to them. Let your husband handle them, or not - his choice.

If I had that much food on hand from people who didn't show up though, I'd consider taking it to the police or fire departments for those who work the night shift on holidays. You know what that's like, having a husband on the force. We also have a veteran's shelter that accepts all kinds of leftovers, and the vets even come out to help unload the car when you show up. I'd search out some places like that ahead of time so you have a list ready - great experience for your child to help others too.

We spend our holidays with some third cousins we've discovered are just terrific. They have very few people in their family, and we really support each other now. We are much closer than others who are technically closer relatives on the family tree. I'll bet you could also find some local friends who are pretty alone too - create a family that's reliable and loving, without regard to DNA. The more you fill your life with joy, the less you will be dependent on those who don't bring you the joy you want.

Your husband can tell his relatives that you are all hanging out with people who enjoy and value you, who love your presence, and who wait for those who arrive late! It's just easier. Give up the idea of changing them, but embrace the idea of ignoring them.

Is their house somehow more convenient for other family members? And what is it that you want to do more: host the family, or have your child enjoy Christmas in his or her own home?

If it's the first one, there's nothing you can do besides offer to host and invite people. If it's the second, then you can not go to your in-laws, celebrate in your own home, and create your own traditions. It's a choice you can make on your own (though of course your husband needs to be on board) but you also need to be ready to deal with the consequences of that choice.

I agree - that does suck! They got to enjoy Christmas in their home for their benefit of their young children (at the time) - now you want your turn. I think that talking about it way earlier than just before Christmas is a good start. Like July. Start talking to family members (including them) and explain your position. Find out if there is any other reason that they may not want to come to your house (like distance, or your house is much smaller). Talk frankly to the family who has been hosting and lay your cards on the table, but do it at a time that people are not stressed out by the holidays, or just after, when people are tired about talking about the holidays. Finally, talk to your husband. See how far he is willing to go on this. If he thinks that you all should stay home, then fine. Make arrangements to see other family at a different time of the year and enjoy your little one at home. If he thinks it is better to suck it up, then maybe that is the right thing to do (or at least compromise somehow between the two of you).

Good luck!

Well, I guess you have to decide to break from tradition. Is this your husband's brother/sister? Why not have him handle it? Just drop it.

Are you saying that the WHOLE family won't come to your house at all? Not just the brother in law and sister in law? But the whole family of other relatives too?

That's a slap in the face then and I'd wash my hands of them as far as holiday events. I wouldn't bother with presents other than hubby buying for his mom/dad/siblings if he wants to then you buy for your immediate family. Spending the morning with your kids at home isn't a bad thing. They should get to get up and go have Christmas at home if you want them to.

If this is just lunch after you've done your Christmas stuff at home I'd be going like crazy. Why would "I" want to cook a huge meal, have dishes and trash and a house to clean, why wouldn't I go somewhere else to have the whole family together. I would love to be able to gather up kiddo and hubby and go somewhere that I could sit down and visit and not have to do much of anything. Where I could enjoy chatting with everyone. Even the adult kids that were the reason this started.

I would love to have a family Christmas with my brother who disowned me and my sister after our mom died and he took everything and sold it. I would love to eat my sister's dressing and open another package that she took time to pick out, perfect gift giver, and spent time wrapping but she's a Jehovah's Witness now and won't ever celebrate the holidays again.

I had a Christmas Day dinner at my house this year. I invited people to come and no one wanted to come. I had turkey, sweet potatoes, dressing that was gross but that wasn't the plan of course, and more. I even invited my father in law to come and he couldn't be bothered to leave his dogs and walk across the yard to come eat. I took him a couple of plates of food and he told me later he didn't like it much.

SO yes, I'd be running to some other family member's home so spend time with my family after we'd had our family christmas morning at home. I would appreciate not having spent over a hundred dollars on a meal for myself, hubby, and kiddo. Really, I could have gone out to eat at a nice restaurant for that.

It sounds like this couple holds a great deal of power in the family. It also sounds like your husband has never stook up to his sibling.

What does the rest of the family say about not showing up at your house? Do they say that they aren't comfortable leaving one house and going to the other? Is it because the hosts are angry about you wanting to host?

You ask why they are mad at you for wanting to do the same thing they have got to do for over 25 years. The answer is because they are selfish. Lots of family members are that way. I have family members like this who were so proud of their kids for doing things, and then when it's other kids' turns to do them, all of a sudden, they don't like it because their older child has a different opinion.

If your entire family prefers them to you, then you and your husband need to decide what you are going to do about it. If you simply cannot stand another Christmas with these people, save money over the coming year and go somewhere very cool for Christmas 2017. A tropical getaway might be really wonderful. A Disney trip, or Disney Cruise... something that gets you out of the fray and establishes a holiday that isn't centered around the extended family.

And if you are still buying gifts for the family, other than your husband's mom and dad, STOP. People who won't show up for Christmas cake don't deserve a gift.