Please Tell Me What You Think

I am married to a Momma's boy as well. He has proved himself to me by learning to choose me first. I wouldn't marry this man if he can't prove to you now that he chooses you. Don't make him ignore or dishonor his mother. But, insist that he choose you daily. I would have a good heart to heart if anything is in the works. And, if you're not convinced that he will choose you always, walk away. Or be willing to put up with some things. You will have to put up with a mother-in-law no matter who you marry and you cannot expect any man to forget his mother nor dishonor her. But, always choosing her over you will be a factor. If he doesn't learn to behave otherwise - and it does take practice - and you can't deal with that. You will lose him. Is she worth it?

It's simple. You are divorced. Don't know if you are going back and forth and acting like the kids you teach. You have to have a better idea of really how bad the situation between you, him, and his mom is. As long as his mom is there it must be a deal breaker.

I am married to a mama's boy too, and it has caused several arguments. You have to understand that she will never change. She will always be protective of her sons and she will always see any other women in their lives as competition. The only way that anything can work out between the two of you is if he makes a stand and says that you are the woman for him and his mom can butt out. I'm not saying that she has to disappear, I'm just saying he has to stand up to her. Until then I think that you should just settle with a friendly divorce. Those are rare!

Lynda,

I'm so sorry your in this situation. I also had a MIL & FIL that always felt the need to become apart of our marriage. We were able to work that out and my H finally stood up to them and defended me. He was not disrespectful to them just stated that he loved me and wanted our marriage and would like them to be apart of our family but would not allow any more interference.

I want to give you a site that you can go to that deals with this type of situation.

www.marriagebuilders.com

There is alot of information and support that can help you.

Your exh needs to be honest with you and his mother. It doesn't appear that is happening. Also, he needs to defend you and let his mother know that he wants to be with you and he would like her to be apart of the family, however it isn't acceptable for her to interfere in his relationship with you.

Your mother N law did not cause him to have the affair. He made that choice. She probably only encouraged it but he has to take ownership. An affair can be put in the past and the two of you can make a stronger relationship if you work together. If you decide to look at the site I gave to you, read everything you can and educate yourself. There are lots of tools that you may be able to use. Also this is completely free and will cost neither of you anything. There is a discussion board, where you can view others who are dealing with similar topics and it will provide you with a support group. The two of you may even need to do some counseling to work thru some of the issues.

It's not healthy for you or your children for your ex to come back into the picture as a family unless that is his intentions. Sit down with him and be honest with him and tell him your feelings.

I really hope this helps you and I will pray for you and your family. Please let me know if I can help in anyway.

Oh, boy, I know how that hurts. You do not want to feel like his "dirty little secret", and you want him to stand up for you. Let's look at the facts, though. He's not married to you, and you guys don't have a label; therefore, he has no obligation to "reveal" you to his mother. You're thinking too much, and he's not thinking enough. Men tend to be satisfied just seeing how things go, while women end up following that unsteady lead.

Now, that said, maybe you should have that conversation with him...if you're not satisfied with things as they are. I don't know if that played any part in your break-up, but if you have closed the door to the possibility to meeting someone else, then you owe it to yourself and to your child to figure out how you can be comfortable in this relationship.

Ask him why he's moving closer to you...what his long-range plans are with you...how he plans to reconcile having you and his mother in his life in whatever capacities he imagines. Make him think about it, but don't present it as a challenge to him. Ease the pressure and give him a chance to process in his own way, but let him know what you're processing in the meantime. Maybe he figures that he'll just coast along with you until she dies--who knows what goes on in someone else's mind? That's why you have to ask the questions and wait for the answers (in word and deed). Too often, people aren't really thinking, just kinda going with it. That can work, but I'm a fan of purpose. Even if I don't know what or why, I find value in the process of coming to even that conclusion. We need to get a better handle on our attitudes and behaviors, a better understanding of why we do what we do so we don't find ourselves "oops"ing into something that we have to dig out of. Keep in mind, also, that you only control your own behavior. No matter what he decides and how he handles it, you get to decide if you will participate in this dance with him.

Good luck with that.

My thoughts...

Only 6 months have passed since your divorce. Recognize that you are both vulnerable to rebounding towards any easy or opportune relationship, especially during Christmas (when our hearts yearn for family oriented moments). It just so happens that you and him are each other's easy and familiar relationship. But whatever was wrong in your marriage will not have been fixed in 6 months. Hey, couples do get back together after divorce.. Great! However I think it takes longer than 6 monhs for a couple to mature past whatever issues were problematic in the marriage to begin with.

I truly believe that the mark of an adult relationship is the ability to openly maintain that relationship regardless of what other people think (especially parents). Its like when I had a friend who got married really young because "their parents didn't want them living together" (FYI, they divorced a few years later). To me, that's not how an adult relationship works... You don't take actions (or avoid taking actions) in an adult relationship in order to appease someone outside the relationship. Your beloved either is subordinate to his mother's opinions or he conducts his life so that it includes her but is parallel to her opinions. It sounds like he currently is subordinate to her... She is still Queen Bee.

Now, that being said, I also understand the desire to avoid major arguments during Christmas. Ok. I get that. Who wants to start a family feud over Christmas? So, let the text message go... Chalk it up to him not wanting to rock the boat or bring anger and negativity into the holidays. Fine. *However*, if he truly wants to reconcile with you, at some point over the next couple months, he needs to show you that he is shifting away from his mother's influence on him... as in, he needs to tell her that he wants you back and that he is committed to reconciling with you and this is not a topic open for discussion. If he can't do this, then I would say he is not able to have an adult relationship with you.

Lastly, you did mention that he was oversees.. Not sure if that means he is military-? Ok, if he is military (and this isn't meant as giving him an excuse for the affair), but I can understand that there are many hardships on military couples right now which may have influenced him to seek intimate companionship at that time. I think I saw a news article that said military marriages are experiencing a higher rate of divorce than the general population. So, perhaps that was one contributing factor... But obviously, the affair wasn't entirely his mother's doing... I mean, she didn't unbutton his pants for him. He made that decision. He confided in his mother about it and she gave him emotional support and encouragement for it... But *he* did it. So its up to you on whether you believe he would have another affair if the same circumstances presented themselves... I personally would have hurdles on whether I could trust him again.

So, you have some trust issues with him... Trusting that he will not let his mother have such a direct influence on your relationship. Trusting that he would not have another affair. Trusting that, if he re-enters your life, that your children won't be set-up for another loop-de-loop if the relationship sours again. So, if it was me, I'd couch the conversation with him in regard to TRUST: "I need you to understand that I have trust issues with you. These are the areas that I need you to prove to me that my trust is not misplaced..."

By the way, my gut says that his decision not to have his own children is a large problem for his mother and that is why she encourages him to pursue other options...

Good luck!

You wanted us to let you know what we think, so I'm responding even though you have already received some good thoughts. I had a MIL and am now a MIL so have lived on both ends of the spectrum.

When first married to an only son, my MIL was hugely possessive of him and told me not to touch anything that was his. I took that under advisement but let her know quietly that we were now married and both his things and mine were to be determined jointly. Began our marriage with the son & his parents making decisions about our life without my knowing about it until later. I discussed this with him privately. Stayed respectful but alert to my in-laws.

Because of this early difficulty, I learned that the best way to be a mother is to be even kinder to the DIL than your own son...this keeps all lives much smoother. However, your ex-MIL hasn't learned that lesson yet, & sounds tough enough that she might never learn it. Your ex is trying to soft-pedal her to keep her rantings under control. He has no choice other than she is his mother, and to his credit he is trying to remain a respectful son (even if his omissions unexpectedly reach your eyes.) I would give him loose slack on that one - sounds like his life hasn't been easy with your ex-MIL guiding him by her strong hand through his growing-up period.

No DIL would be suitable for him, in her eyes. That's a "given" for anyone he might choose. I think the best solution is just to side-step her without making a major issue of her absolutely stupid suggestions to him or his trying to avoid confrontations with her.

If you enjoy his company, enjoy it, and especially if your children do too.
If he enjoys your company, great. (His mother is his problem - not yours - you're an ex)

My personal opinion is that a strong friendship between your ex & yourself might be the better way to go forward as long as his mother is anywhere in the picture and the dominant person she has forced herself to be in his life. Just sidestep her.

Whether or not he decides to distance himself from her is totally his choice. I would stay out of that decision 100%. (Otherwise, she'll taint it that it was all your fault, which she might anyway, but at least he would know better.)

I also agree with others that your first priority is to continue to love & support your two children as they are going through their growing-up years. Adolescence is turbulence enough for them. They have already lived through the heartbreak of a split home.

The good outcome is that you know how NOT EVER to act as a MIL!

God bless you, Lynda.
M. T

Lynda,

It can be very hard after a divorce. Make sure that you date at least one other guy. I know that sounds silly, but if you jump right back to being with your ex you may settle and no woman deserves that. When my sister went through her divorce it was very h*** o* her and his parents had a lot to do with the start of their problems, but it was always her husband who continued the problem and made it hard to resolve. It sounds to me like he can't stand up to his mother. You deserve to have what is the best for you and your family.

If the mother is truely the problem you need to weigh the gain vs. the loss. Are you turely happy until the mother interferes and then only sad for a bit, or is the fact that the mother interferes make you sad almost always and you are only happy for short bursts.

All in all you are an adult and this is your life, but if it were me (I am divorced and remarried) I would write out all the positives and negatives of restarting the relationship. Sometimes you need to play devils advocate to see both sides of the situation clearly and then make a dicision as if it were your best friend that you were giving the advice to.

Lynda,
I know you love this man deeply and I am certain that he loves you too. So, please don't take this the wrong way but you and your ex need get professional help on this one. His mother is not going away. Until he can stand up to her and tell her the truth then there is little hope for your relationship with each other to work on a meaningful happy level. Plus, would you really want to be in a committed relationship with a man who would lie to his MOTHER. If he lies to her he will lie to you. In some ways, the role of the wife is a subconscious extension of the mother in all male/female relationships. Men often seek out and marry women who remind them of their mothers. I’m not saying it is hopeless. Just get professional help and then maybe you two can get it right this time. My mother in law hated me and tried to make my life a living hell until I had grandkids for her. Then she and I became the best of friends. But my husband had issues with his mother and transferred those issues to me once I had the kids. Seek help. L.

Lynda -

If your MIL was the problem before, what has your ex-husband done to remedy this? If he cannot admit she is a problem and either stand up to her or remove himself from her more - i.e. - less phone calls, less time with her AND not be afraid to tell her what is important in his life, then what do you think will happen with any woman who has a relationship with him?

Secondly - are you ready and willing to take a big stand with her? My husband and I have been together almost 15 years. At around the 2nd-3rd year, I had words with her basically telling her that our relationship was ours and I needed her to mind her own business and stay out of our relationship, in order for our marriage to survive. Of course she was mad, but my family was everything to me and her ties to my husband were not helping AT ALL. I stood up and let her know I wouldn't not have it. This really isn't like me and I used to be one of those girls/women that wanted everyone to like her. However, there comes a time for us to step up to the plate and draw a line, when one has a MIL that is controlling.

If I would not have done this, my husband would have continued to run to her every time we had a problem. I made it clear to them both that there needed to be limits on that, otherwise the marriage won't work. Think about this. Your MIL sounds to me like she needs someone to draw the line with her - she may not like you but she will respect you whether she admits it or not.

These are some things to think about - since that time my MIL and I are quite close - it took some years but we have our own relationship and it's on my terms too - not just hers.

Good luck!
Alli

Lynda,
Sounds like hes a mamasboy,and would much rather please her than step up for his family.If she was an issue before she'll continue to be an issue still.If he doesn't have the cohones {means balls just in case your not familiar w/that word} to step up for his family and not let what mommys gonna think not bother him thats an issue just remind yourself why you'll are divorce and what brought you to that point.You say hes the love of your life, we'll sometimes doesn't always work.You may have more feelings for him than he does for you.If hes not willing to be honest to his mommy cause hes whipped by her who needs or wants a boy cause hes not a man who can't step up and act like a man should.
Look hes gonna sweet talk you sweep you off your feet till he gets what he wants and thats you back.Once again remember why ya'll are apart what got you'll there and do you want to put your children in the same situation.
You can be a strong woman on your own and raise your children w/out the kaos in there lives.Im not saying never remarry just take this time to put all your time into your children.They are the ones that should be your focus.
If you are really considering getting back together give it a year or two,two would be better and you'll see hes true colors by then then you can make a decision in what direction you want your life to go in.You don't tell him your going to give him however long you decide you just stand back and watch and observe.Hes not the only man in this world that can do what hes done for you.theres plenty out there.you be the sorter you pick and choose.Remember you have kids they need you and your the primary care giver and they don't need nonsense in their lives.Besides you mentioned they have active fathers in their lives they don't need another man to fill in the role of dad.so its more about what you want.So if you want to continue to be on this rollercoaster go for it,if not you stand tall and don't be w/ a so called man whos not willing to stand for his WOMAN. It's all about time and theres plenty of it.
Do the right thing for yourself and you children.
Just give it time and don't let him always be in your time for now, he had that chance once make him earn it back.If you do decide to get back w/him later make him in front of you tell his mommy were he was @ Christmas and why hes getting back w/you.If he hesitates even a tiny bit then hes still doesn't have the cohones,and move on.This is after you've stood back and observed by then you would've seen his true colors.Do it WOMAN!!!! BE STRONG!!

I don't have any experience with this but thought I would mention what Ann Landers' substitute has advised that you can't change someone else, be it the MIL or the ex. Knowing this, you will need to figure out what is best for you and your two children. I would bet having a teen and a pre-teen in the middle is stressful. Maybe you could find a family counselor (psychologist) for the three of you. Personally, I have had good experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists. Best wishes to you and your boys.

I think if you want to work this relationship out you'll have to iron out the mother-in-law situation first. Ground rules for her and your 'husband'. I would strongly suggest counseling so he can have an objective sounding board and can see what a true relationship needs; which is not tampering and hurt.

Lynda,
While I am sure this was a fun Christmas for all of you, I am concerned that the children were thrilled with the reconstituion on their family. This can be cruel if it isn't going to happen. the let down can be severe. I would suggest that you and he play this out out of the kids' presence. (He stays in hotel and you get a sitter, see each other during school days etc.)
I don't believe in "mistakes". He may have wanted you to see the text to start the argument to have his cake and eat it too.

I don't have any advice, just a bunch of questions. The answers may help you find a solution.
-did arguments about his mom have any part in your break-up?
-is he truthful in all other things?
-why is his mom's approval important to you?
-is he a good dad to your kids? does he want a biological child?
-does his mother want a bio grandchild? is that the source of her disapproval?
-is the bio dad of your kids involved in their lives? If not, the desire for a dad of any kind may blind you and them to any faults that this one has.
Your letter sounds like his mother is the most pressing problem in your relationship. That is not likely, so without more info, advice will be skewed to that. Drugs, alcohol, anger and issues of control would be deal breakers for me. Think of the kids first though. You owe them.

If he truly wants to work it out with you, he needs to put you and your children above his mother once and for all. If I were you, I would ask him to go with you to couples counseling. I don't agree with the person who suggested that the mother go with you. This is his issue. She has no boundaries, and he needs to set them in their relationship. But until he is willing to confront her and tell her that you and your kids are his family first, she is second, I would not get back together with him.

There is a great christian book called "Boundaries" by Townsend (one of the authors).....perhaps your ex would read it...it is about healthy boundaries in relationships, which seems your husband needs with him mother.
Blessings
D.

That is an easy one. If he cannot stand up to his overbearing mother, than I hate to say it he needs to go. I am sure he is grateful to her for raising him, but that should not be turned into guilt for wanting to live his life. It sounds like she likes to meddle all the time with both her sons. She is most likely set in her ways and will not change if anyone has to it is your ex. If he loves you and your kids as much as you say he does the choice is easy... You stay, she goes! Good Luck to you.

Lynda, Even though you love each other isn't always enough. Thats what draws you together but if he's a mama's boy and can't put her in her place, which can be done nicely, is going to be a big obstacle in HIS way. You don't have to put up with it and its good to see that your not. Whatever he does from here on out, with or without, she is his obstacle. I would not have gotten mad at him about and had an argument but she does cause trouble so you were right for putting it out there. The ball is in his court. He needs to conquer this obstacle are he'll never have a healthy relationship with anyone. He needs counceling or something so he'll learn why he must try to satisfy her and why he really can't and that it's not his fault or responsibility to do so. Good luck

I don't think that I would put too much into him not telling his mom you were there! If he knew it would start an argument with her, she is obviously demanding and controlling. If you two get back together , then he may have to make a choice between you. Moms will change their minds if it is to keep an on going realtionship with their son. I have a feeling that there is something that you are not revealing. Something more than having two children that put his mom in the stance she has taken with you. Not to make you defensive, but there are two sides to every story. What ever is the real underlying problem between you and the MIL, try to work that out with her, and see if you can't build a relationship there so that he doesn't have to choose. Much luck, S.

that would be awesome if you could work it out!!! I would encourage marriage counseling before you go any further with him to discuss the whole mother thing...that would not be a good thing. If mama comes first it is doomed from the start! i wish you the best b/c if you truly love someone then it can work!!!

Not to bust your bubble but if he is a mamma's boy and has not stood up to her after all this time you need to grab what you can and run. I understand that you love him and he says he loves you BUT mamma is first in his life. That means you will never win. He must decide who is the first love and go with that.

Good Morning Lynda;

Forget it!! There is nothing in this world that you can do to make this woman change!!
Either the two of you come to the decision not to be involved with her in any way or forget getting back together!
I have a sister-in-law that is totally vendictive toward her son-in-law and her daughter-in-law. Her son has a
great "Business" relationship with a person and she has even tried to break that up by throwing fits with the partners wife, then insulting her son's wife because she is
friends with the wife of the business partner.
Your X-mother in law has major problems that there is nothing that you can ever do to change!
On the other hand, her daughter is married to a very, very
successful man and she has even throw fits to that mans mother, calling her names!
Move On to a more healthy life!
B. C.

Love is everything, it sounds like you and your exhusband are working on getting back together and its to your benefit and your children's benefit, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT let an MIL ruin your life. She will be gone in death and would win and you will lose your life of love and happiness. There are people in this world who are angry and aren't happy so they try to make others unhappy, don't be a victim, you are a grown woman and live your life with the love of your life and ignore this evilness. Yes he loves his mother and family, but it says cleave to your wife once you are married. If he is this wonderful person, let him deal with his mother and you concentrate on your man. Yes holidays can be rough and such, let him go by himself to see his angry mother and then return back to you. If he is your family don't let his mother rip you apart. Love is worth fighting for and if you give up, you lose, and the MIL isn't going to like anyone for her son so it doesn't matter. So what that you have two older children your man loves you and them, then thats worth hanging in there. Best wishes and many blessings in your decision.

Good for you! Glad you moved on.
I don't know if its bit late to reply, this morning for some reason I sat and bascially read all requests til yours caught my eye..
I was married to a mama's boy, we married for only 3 years, the judge granted us divorce after my 16 year old son was born, I have 2 kids from him.
It may be little different from yours but I can totally understand, I have to say, you let go of mamas boy..
My ex mother in law basically run our marriage, control, and ruined it, wheather you believe this or not, she also divorced us which im glad!
My ex was a different person when in her life, my best marriage 4 months out of 3 years, he wasn't in speakin terms w his mother..
He would call her everytime we fought, or when dinner is not ready on time, hell run over HER house to eat dinner and all.
So.. 16 years later.. Actually last week its the first time over them years I finally had talked with my ex husband who had told me ' -m so sorry about everything.' He knew his mother.. He has just lost his now 4th wife! He claimed that our divorce has ruined his life. AS IF! LoL, (sorry was watching clueless w my 18 yr old daughter)
Glad you shared it w your girls and moved on!
No mamas boy! LoL..
Best of luck, hun!

I think that we could have the same MIL, and I feel for you. I know that if my husband hadn't stood up to her that we would not be togethewr today. My MIL also continued to set my husband up with women after we were living together and even after we were married. You just need to figure out how much posion you can deal with in your life. He isn't going to change this part of his life, can you look the other way? I think that if you can get over a MIL that encuraged you ex husband's affair, than you are a much bigger women than me. But it is all about what you and your family need to be happy.
Maybe just keeping the current relationship the way it is could be best. Nothing says that you HAVE to get back together with him, or marry him. You can remain good friends and enjoy times like this when you choose and keep MIL at a distance. Whatever works for you. That being said, my mother always told me that "an ex is an ex for a reason."
I wwish you happyness in whatever you choose.

Although I am not divorced or separated I do have problems with my mother-in-law. Although you feel on the defensive when she is around or when you have spent anytime with her you will need to learn how to be corgial when she is around your kids and your ex-husband. Learning to like someone is harder thanloving someone if that make sense. Treating her as you would like to be treated will go a long way and she will notice that and she will eventually change herself. You can only change yourself. I hope everything works out for you and your family!

I think that you should tell him that you will not be hidden from his mother because if the two of you do get back together there will be a time that you will have interactions with her and the rest of the family. It is his responsibility to set his mother straight and if he can not do so, just move on. If he is is mother' s boy -- he probably will not change and you will always have problems with her. The only way the two of you can make it is by living far away from the mother -- like another state. The two of you will have to decide what's top priority and go from there. Does his mother like your children? This is something else to consider. Good luck!

I can understand why he didn't tell his mother. He didn't want to listen to her either & wants to keep his life out of her aim. Don't get the MIL's involved until your relationship is strong again. Then, both of you need to stand up to your mothers & tell them this is the way it is & you can keep your mouth shut if you don't like it. You two are adults. If you two find love in another try the rest of the world needs to back off & let you be.

I was raised thinking your MIL is your best friend. If that can't happen then flap your mouth to your son as much as he allows but don't flap it to me. That's the point I got to with a MIL of 15 yrs that didn't like me until it was too late.

I not only think --I know you have some deep issues with this Guy. If it was not good enought to stay togehter 9 out of 10 times it will not work again. Been there done that--but of course we as women think we can change things or of that is someone else--not me--wrong.

Get a fresh start in your life and stop this uncertain relationship and find a man worthy of you and remember what you are doing in front of your children sends them a message--either good or bad--you make the call.

I wish you all the best--because it is never easy-women are so emotional. Make wise choices. Praying for you.

Hy Lynda,

I am sure you will have many responses to your question and I am sure many of them will be good and sound advice, but in the end you will have to decide. We all know to have a relationship with someone is never easy and its actually hard work sometimes. You have to give, communicate, be patient, and most of all love unconditionally. There is no one else in the relationship except the two people who want to have one. Sometimes we allow someone in the middle and it only divides the two. You have to ask yourself why did that happen before you go to the next step. You can love someone for all the wrong reasons, but there is only one right answer. You have plenty of time to think about it and plenty of time to talk about it AND ask why it didn't work out the first time and if and I say if what can make it better if you try it again. Are you asking yourself the right question? Are you being honest with yourself? Write it all out and look at it, share it with him. Its like a math problem you learn about the answer through working the math problem out. You can't get the correct answer just by guessing or that you think you may know what it is, you have to actually do the work to find the solution. Sometimes the answer is right in front us and sometimes we can't see it.
Remember to be honest with yourself and with him.

Hello Lynda,

My opinion is this: If you guys still have feelings (LOVE) for each other, then GO FOR IT!!!.....BUT first talk about the problems you guys had and were the reasons that caused for you guys to get divorced....since you guys are divorced already and are getting along....you need to sit down with him and talk about his mother, since she was the MAJOR reason you guys got divorced....many times if the son is a mama's boy they seem to be blinded and do not see the problems that the mom is causing...kind of play "hard to get"....tell him that you would really love to work things out and get back together but that you know that his mother is not very fond of you and that she would be causing problems all over again...if you like his mother, tell him how you feel about his mother and the kind of relationship you would like to have with her....he may just run to mama and tell her what you said....Unfortunately Lynda, you are going to have to win her over, no matter what, if you want your relationship to work.....eventually she will realize what kind of woman you are....It will be tough....but he needs to put his part in too....he will need to talk to his mom and tell her how he feels about you and that he wants to get back together with you because he never stopped loving you...and that he would really appreciate it if she could get along with you and well take it from there.....I can go on and on but I think you got the idea....I hope everything works out for you guys....take care

First of all, he didn't tell his mother he spent Christmas with you to protect YOU! He didn't want to hear anything negative from his mother about you.

Next, if you really want to pursue the relationship, I would suggest counseling immediately. You need an independent person to mediate.

Problems with parents-in-law (on both sides) are common. But marriages can still survive if both partners are committed to the relationship.

I wish you the best in 2009!

I think the three of you need to go to counsiling, mother in law, ex and you. let the counciler decide on what is healthiest for your situation. its incredibly hard when the man wont stand up to his mother. " leave your mother and father and cleve to your wife"

Don't be made at him for saying that you were a friend because he just didn't want his mother to know in a nice way. It isn't that he's ashame of you, it's just that he wanted to keep the peace. If you love this man, I believe you should be with him. As a couple yall are going to have to make a compromise about your mother-in-law. She might never like you, but yall might be able to exist peacefully. I wouldn't let my one true love go. Love is not easy and we come with challenges in relationships everyday or every other day, but we make it through if we really love that person. You deserve to smile and smile with someone who loves you enough to smile back.

He needs to take a stand - you and kids or his mother. If he can't, go your way as you will just be asking for trouble if he continues on this mother route. Remember, you can't change others, they have to want to change. If he hesitates, it's not going to work.

For me it sounds like your former husband is trapped between his two loves. His mother how thinks no one will ever be able to be good enough for him and you and your children. Be slow and careful he is at a point that will make him make a choice and his mother will push him. He needs to see that he is a grown person and should make this decision for himself. Have you talked with his brother to get his take on any of this problem it might be good if possible. He might be able to put some light on it for his brother also. Good luck for all of you.