Married now going on 12 years,he is my 3rd husband, only grown children the youngest is 22 and living on his own. The new -- current problem is ages old and I thought it was finally getting resolved, except for the constant bringing her name up, in our presence. The Problem my MIL is I guess for a lack of another word, IN LOVE with my man's ex. She had posted on her FB page under Family the EX's account and had her listed as Daughter In Law. Excuse me not even her current daughters in law, but only my husband's ex. My husband told me he talked to her about this, and now the time has come for another talk. It even got worse because some of the other family members said once family always family, really I am family -- not her. Once a family is grown, where do these kids think they can still call the shots?? The Ex has verbalized to my daughter that she wants my husband back, guess the grass was not greener on the other side. Me compared to her is a joke, I way out class her, my husband says no way, he would even entertain that idea. I told my husband just tell your mom that and then maybe she will quit trying to come between us in hopes that they would reunite and make her the happiest Mom in the world. Anyway I need your advice people on what to do with this, now she is 70 years old and not very healthy so keep that in mind.
She has every right to love and have a special bond with her former daughter in law. She can still consider her family if that is how they feel. Just as long as she isn't slamming and comparing you two all the time, then I wouldn't worry about it.
When she brings her name up with you guys, just say, "okay, that's nice grandma" and change the subject.
As an "older" woman (almost 44) I was going to give you some words of wisdom, but I see that you are 55!
This kind of stuff should be rolling off your back at this point in your life.
FB drama? at your age???
And you "out class" her? What does that even mean?
Time to put on the big girl panties. You are way too old for this :(
First when/IF one "way out classes" another person, one certainly does not state or advertise it. Secondly, not knowing the circumstances of your husband's marriage and divorce to the mother of his children, it is entirely possible that your husband's mother has more allegance to the first wife rather then you. While you might feel the "3rd" time is the charm, his mother may think husband number 4 will be coming down the line.
"Me compared to her is a joke"....Advice, a little humility. If you are truly concerned about your husband's mother's health.
Hi sherill-
Speaking as the 'ex' that was married for 20 years....and with the 'bulk' of the grand kids in the 'exes' family...I am sad about their collective 'lack' of acknowledgement of me...and 'our' kiddos.
I have known his family since I was 13. While married, 'we' hosted most holiday events...
The ex has re married...and in those FEW (3) years...she (new wife) and her son (from marriage # 1...and who is 25) are now the focus of attention.
I am hurt...I knew my 'outlaws' for MANY years before my ex and I got married...I am hurt for the kiddos...
Just wanted to give a 'different' take...
Kiddos (and adults) rarely have too many people that love them...
Best luck!
michele/cat
Your MIL is free to keep in touch with, friend and talk about anyone she chooses! What do you really think people are going to suggest? Forbid her from caring about an ex-daughter in law? Have your husband YELL at his mother & deliver an ultimatum?
If you're as classy as you say--you'll handle this with some grace and dignity!
YOU need to change the way you react to her actions.
A side note.....my mother & father were divorced for YEARS, my mom and her MIL (though, technically "ex MIL") stayed close, for the sake of the kids and family.....after my father was dead, my mom continued to see her MIL, care for her, take her to doctor's appts, etc. My mom was the executrix of her estate when she died. My mother and HER ex MIL understood that they were two people that cared about each other, regardless of labels.
Just because there may be "bad blood" between a man & ex wife, the classy thing is NOT to lump all of the ex husband's relatives in the same camp. Sounds like your husband's ex and his mom "get" this. Hopefully you can too!
If there are grandchildren involved, the ex is going to be part of your MIL's life because of that. If you "out class" her and are secure in your relationship, then be OK with that. Hubby does need to talk to his mom about being sensitive to your feelings. But just because your hubby isn't married to her, they have children together and your MIL has grandchildren. You're going to have to deal with it.
Maybe the Ex is the one that set up your MILs FB page? Solution, unfriend your MIL. Then you won't have to worry about what she is or isn't saying about you.
I unfriended a relative once. It took them almost 2 months to notice.
You " out class" her?? Ouch I sense insecurity. MIL is also more than likely concered for her son since he is your #3. Can she take you seriously?
She is the mother of some of the grandchildren and was a big part of MIL's life at some point. It's normal for MIL to have a connection to the ex in order to maintain a relationship with her grandchildren.
Look at it as MIL trying to stay connected to grandchildren... Not a stab in your back. It's about the children, not you.
When conversation is enough just say, ok time to move on or change the subject. You can't change the fact that ex is a part of that family or not.
That's how it is living in a world of divorce. It sucks. Take it from a child of divorce.
There's no button on Facebook for 'My Grandchildren's Mother'. Daughter in Law is as close as it gets.
People don't stop loving their children or grandchildren once they're grown.
She can love exDIL until she dies. Only dementia will change that (or exDIL).
I'm sorry you're in pain. Things outside of our control often hurt the worst, because there's nothing we can do about them.
It's your aggravation, but I don't think it's your fight. This has to come from hubby. And he needs to lay down the law a little harder now with mom. If the ex left him, why should he have to take her back only to risk that again. He's found happiness. The kids are adults and can make their own decisions. If I were hubby, I would at least request that if they have any issues with you to either clear them up or bury them.
She will always be the mom to their kids. That doesn't mean you should be excluded. Because their marriage went south doesn't make mom any less a grandma. That needs to be repeated.
What measures have you personally taken to embrace mom? That should be considered. Is the ex sucking up to her?
If her health is not all that great, have hubby suggest that she is then wasting time ignoring you---HIS CURRENT WIFE/HER CURRENT DAUGHTER IN -LAW----and holding on to false hopes and it isn't going to happen so she needs to stop. And what the heck is the ex doing talking to your daughter???? That needs to stop too. Sounds like poison.
Have hubby go on her facebook account and edit things like removing the ex, including all current daughters in law. 70 is not that computer saavy so let him do it.
And I agree with all the others who have advised dropping the self promotion. Saying you're classier than someone else is exactly the opposite. Show loyalty, compassion, and understanding. If the ex makes too big of wanting a reconciliation, people will get tired of hearing it. Don't make your hubby a two sided victim. Three, actually: you, mom, and the ex. He'll get pissed all around.
If she is mother of any of the grown children you are probably stuck with her being around. She already has a relationship with everyone in the family. However, that doesn't mean family members making rude comments is acceptable. Your husband or you need to talk to your MIL about that.
Lol - you are in your late 40s- ish and still letting your MIL have free rent in your head?
You do not have control over her mouth or her head.
So you have a choice:
Option A - ignore her and laugh about it, enjoy your day and live the rest of your life rarely giving her a second thought.
Option B - b&@ch and gripe, moan and groan and generally have a pity party every time she pushes your buttons. Get worked up and angry and resentful. Carry a grudge.
Either option is ok with me. :)
I am the ex-wife, the ex-DIL, the ex-SIL (from my only marriage) but most importantly the mother of our daughter. I will always be their family. Nothing switched when my daughter turned 18 last summer. I have been involved with their family for 28 years and we will continue that. Neither of us are remarried, his last serious relationship ended years ago because she couldn't handle that we are all still a family.
You can't control what your MIL or anyone else wants or does but you can control your reaction to it. You can provide a united front (you and hubby)...your husband needs to tell his mom and his ex that "that relationship is over, you and he are and will remain married". Keep in mind, the ex IS still the mother of his children and there are times when you and he will have to be around each other (it's not fair to the kids and potential grandkids otherwise...they shouldn't have to choose which parent to invite). To this extent, they are right that "once family, always family" but you are HIS immediate family.
His ex is still family to your MIL. She is the mother of MIL grandchildren. Just because her son got divorced doesn't mean she got divorced.
Other than hubby telling MIL that he does not plan on getting back togehter with his ex, there's not much more to be said or done. Let MIL live out her last days being happy.
My mother loves her ex daughter inlaw, my brothers new wife knew this also and it bothered her horribly. I would just go on loving your husband and all the kids and pay no attention to this. She is 70 and believe me you cannot change a women of 70! my mom is a little older. I think you have to overlook a lot even if you have been in the family for 12 years. Doesnt make it right but show that you out class them by ignoring all the negative stuff. My sister in law told my niece to never consider me an Aunt. I was very hurt about this and then decided that its really not worth giving them that satisfaction. Hold your head high and move on. Let the miserable be miserable in their gossiping lives on fb. There is a very powerful button on fb...delete! Good luck and love your family the way you are.
Is there a possibility that your 70 year old MIL is in the beginning stages of dementia or Alzheimers? It could be that she cannot think through this normally. OR she just can't stand you (sorry).
At her age and in not very good health, I would ignore her since she won't listen to her son. When the ex who would like your hubby back realizes that he has no interest and doesn't even care to pay attention to this, she will give up and hopefully get on with her life. As far as MIL is concerned, she can't have what she wants. She can't make her son do her bidding in this area either. Maybe if you both laugh about her to others, it will help her to give it up.
Dawn
Some people just can't let go of the ex. My father married his first wife when they were teenagers (she was pregnant). They had a relatively short marriage of about four years and then she cheated on him. He divorced her and married my mother two years later. My parents have been married for 37 years, but my father's family still has contact with his first wife, and they pay more attention to my older half sister than they do to me. For years, they barely acknowledged that my mother and I existed. In the last few years, I've connected with some of them on Facebook, but still feel like an outsider when I see the way they interact with my sister.
Had to have a conversation with my grandma this weekend about still communicating with my ex. She did not understand and so I explained to her that me or our children do not feel comfortable coming to her home and if she is going to continue to disrespect our marriage we can not deal with her. I am very sad but had to take a stand on disrespect.
Take a stand. You are allowing this women to be relavent in your life.
Delete your mother in law from your FB page and delete from your presence who ever is still involved with this person who clearly wants to take your place.
Yes, she can still like the ex, but what she's doing is disrespectful.
I hate to say it, but I would distance myself from the old woman, and delete her off of FB. I'm sure everyone things she's crazy anyway, but my solution to people like that is to spend as little time with them. She's not your mom, let your DH deal with her. And, btw, tell him to grow a pair while he's at it.
Why don't you just ignore her when she brings up the ex? Change the subject or polietly excuse yourself and walk away? If she's trying to cause drama with you, you don't have to play along with that game. Let her write whatever she wants on facebook. You DH's loyalty to you is all that should matter. If you trust his loyalty to you, it doesn't matter what his Mom says or does. She can't make her son get back together with her. Sure it would be nice if MIL doesn't keep bringing her up, but you aren't going to change her, you can only change your own attitude. The classy would be to make a decision to not get so bothered by it all, just keep being yourself and being friendly to everyone in the family. If your 70 year or MIL wants to hold on to previous ties or live in the past, that's her choice.
