After ten years of marriage, I am divorcing a man who is an alcoholic. My children luckily are grown, and when I marriaged this man, I did not know he was an alcoholic but learned shortly after our marriage that he was. There was never any alcoholism in my family so I really did not know what to look for. I am finally divorcing him after wavering for the past five years. I feel so guilty for putting my kids through it for so long. I have wavered back and forth since filing for the divorce because I still care so much, so I guess that makes me weak. But I will follow through with this divorce. I just wish the hurt would go away. I don't know if what I feel is love, or anger because he would not choose me over the alcohol, so I really cannot say why I hurt, but I do, sounds stupid huh!
L, I recommend a phenomenal psychological consultant in San Diego, Matt Sanders. He will give a free 15 minute consult over the phone. He is in Solana Beach--he is a certified addictions specialist, but covers so many other psychological issues. He is outstanding--San Diego's best-kept secret. His number is ###-###-#### and his website is www.matthewsandersconsulting.com Best of luck to you and good for you for moving on. Best, C.
Call 411 or get the yellow (or white) pages and find Al-non. Here is the link www.al-anon.alateen.org. They will give you all that you need at this time. Healthy choice to walk away...congratulations! Ali
Please know that you will get through it and you will be much happier someday. It takes time. Surround yourself with supportive people and go to Al-Anon. They are there to help. My father was an alcoholic and he always called it a disease. I called it being weak and selfish. They usually have to hit bottom to change and even then, some don't. Don't let it ruin your life. Life is what we make it. Don't let fear stop you. Love and respect yourself and others will too. Best to you.
Hi L.,
My dad was an alcoholic/addict for most of my life. He is in recovery now, but that didn't happen until I moved out. My mom almost divorced him several times, but stuck it out. Needless to say, there was a lot of insanity in our household. My suggestion for you is to go to Alanon. It helped my mom and family out tremendously. They are 12-step groups that helps you deal with the grief (not stupid to feel this way at all!!) and know how to create healthy boundaries. Your kids will benefit from this too. Alanon groups can vary a bit, so if the first one isn't great try another 1 or 2 at different locations. There are some fabulous ones out there. You can just google Alanon and then search in your area to find local meetings. There are some good books online too. My heart goes out to you. Good luck!
Take care, Kristin
My heart goes out to you. My sister's husband is an alcoholic and her son is now too, my dad was a dry alcoholic and his parents were alcoholics. We found solice in going to AA meetings-all of us. What's sad is that it is a disease, and I believe genetic. That from just one beverage the body does not have a good relationship with the alcohol and it triggers a hunger-alcoholism.
My sister and I have had BIG discussions on the issue, she is still with her husband and I'm glad about that. That worked best for HER. Some of the 'discussions' we debated were; if he had another disease like cancer would you do the same thing? Now that your son has a problem what does that show him? How can you get the support you both need with out loosing your trust (in him) over and over? She placed a bunch of ultimatums on her husband to do this and that, but honestly he wasn't able to do them, the disease would win-no big surprise. She eventually decided that she would do everything with her husband and beat this thing together. She learned that she was an enabler and that the life they were leading could use some improvements. That life with absolutes doesn't work.
My mother and father did not stay together. That was for the best! Looking back, I was 11, it has made me the person I am today-no regrets. Did you do what was best for you at the time? Probably YES! So don't worry about it. Maybe a talk with your kids would remedy that.
I would suggest going to AA meetings-even your grown children! It does affect you and all relationships! Some times the affects are positive and some times they are negative, the bottom line is knowledge is power and one is better equipt to handle situations when you have the knowledge.
In conclusion I always told my mom that it took a strong person to make those big decisions-it's not easy to lose the one you love. Yes, you will make it through, but do figure out what you are feeling,so you can at least heal after all of this.
All the best L..
A.
Have you seen this show called intervention. Call them they can help! I promise you that they can. My name is Krissy alot of alcoholics in my family. AA works for some but not for others I strongly suggest that you enter an al-anon program. You can also call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday thru Friday, 8 am – 6 pm ET. for meeting information in the US. This in not just you every person who have problems with family members should do this programs. hope it helps. Krissy
My heart goes out to you, L.. Going through a divorce is never easy, but you are doing it for the right reasons and deserve a better life. You stiil have a great future ahead of you, so continue looking in that direction.
Take care of yourself & stay strong!
Dear L.,
Know that you are doing the right thing. My dad is an alcoholic and my parents were married for 29 years before they finally divorced. Growing up, especially for my younger brothers (we are each six years apart) was a misery and for my youngest brother, an agony. You are not alone! Many women (and men too) can be seduced by an alcoholic- after all, they can be very engaging, social and seem normal by all accounts. You need to forgive yourself for making a mistake. Failure of any type- in a marriage, in a job, whatever...can make you feel hurt. I whole-heartedly suggest Al-Anon. If you find it too much, seek a counselor or psychologist who can help you to heal. Most of all, be kind to yourself and your children. Also, keep an eye on your children- you may not be the only one with issues surrounding this breakup and they might also need to go to a therapist. Best of luck to you and your family.
