Husband and I Have Marital Problems over His Hiding the Amount He Drinks.

Updated on July 07, 2015
J.S. asks from Holmdel, NJ
25 answers

Hello all,

Fair warning this is going to be a long one. I have been married almost 9 years, we have two children 5 and under. I met my husband back in college about 16 years ago so we were babies. We had our up's and downs to say the least but this drinking thing is just too much for me. I thought he'd slow down whether it be from age, maturity, married- life, kids... it just didn't go the way I had expected. It's always played a major problem in our lives together. I will not say part of that was not involving me but only in my younger years. Once I became pregnant that was it for me. Not until after I was done nursing did I drink again, however, only socially or possibly 1-2 with a meal but not every night or even more than a couple nights during the week (at most). I know many will say it's never the same for guys as they don't have to go through all we do with the babies. I can honestly say I started to slow down significantly around the time we were even contemplating kids. He was still back in college drinking years. Then when I had my first, we ran into an plethora of problems from me feeling like he was going out too much, coming back too tipsy to really help me out. Many times I felt like even though I was about to pass out from exhaustion I'd rather say with the baby then to take any chances with him and having him drop the baby by mistake dropping or falling asleep while holding baby. We went though many of those times. All ending in a crying fit from me or a nasty outright argument and him pleading his case or finally resigning to slow down more over and over again which I will say eventually he did although I will not say to my exact liking but at that point I'd just have to accept what came my way. Note: As anyone would expect after all this walls went up, a lot of trust out the window, sex life dwindling on top of the challenges that come in that department anyway from having a new baby. Things started to look better after sometime of getting used to being parents. Then baby number 2 came. I will say I feel like I was helped out by him due to him now having to watch one and not having the free time to call up a buddy and go out and have a few. I'd still see him drink in front of me but def not as much. As the kids got a little older up until now we've always had back and fourths about how I disagree with the amount and how often he drinks. Some arguments getting so heated that it ended up in me saying how I cannot handle the deceit as he hides empties in random places even though he swears he'll be open and outright about it. It's happens over and over again. For a couple month after having a big blowout that ends in threats from me or crying and I think yes, this time he will be honest I find things laying around in obscure places. I'm at my wits end and I don't know how I'm going to carry on in a life like this. I guess this post is more about my concern for his feeling he needs to lie and hide things. I feel like that is a problem of dependency. I don't really know much about alcoholics, I've never known one before I met an extended family member of his. That's another problem, it's runs in his family so I feel like he's more drawn to it and playing with fire. He's even admitted his before but we always end up back at square 1. FYI: I was not brought up in a house with any alcohol or drinkers, that was all left for the holidays or special occasions. His family always had it present although I'm not sure if it was abused by anyone except that one family member. I guess my question is do I resign to a life of this and just deal hoping one miraculous day he'll become honest about how much and when or do I consider leaving before it gets worse. He's a very loving father who would die for his children, is a decent provider although again I feel his dependency plays a big part in this, has been a loyal husband (to the best of my knowledge), just a good person who at one point I could not imagine my life without. Now, I'm not so sure anymore after all this. I don't want my children thinking this arguing or aloofness that's become our relationship from all this is a normal way of life. This is not making us better parents and we are always aggravated with one another. I want them to see two ppl who are affectionate, open, laugh a lot together-just happy people- Almost all of that is a memory of the past or very few and far between. Again, as I mentioned in the beginning this is very detailed and long but I wanted to give the readers the best most accurate description of my situation.
Thanks to all that had the patience to read and respond.

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So What Happened?

This is just a follow up with some info I did not put in earlier. He does not get intoxicated anymore ever but sometimes ( very infrequently) when he gets home from work I have the feeling he may have had a couple due to his speech being slurred. I will always ask and those times he will admit that he had 1 (i know a lie) or will deny all together. He does not act intoxicated but I sense he a tad off-this isn't something anyone else would pk up on prob just myself as I've learned his behaviors so well. Again, he will have only 1-3 sometimes in front of me at home but I've been telling him I don't always want beer in cooler and he claims he ok with that, So once in a while we have a 6-pk here but it only last a couple days when it is. I resorted many times to telling him we shouldn't have it here at all unless he can make it last. A 6 pk can last me 2 weeks maybe more. I prefer to drink wine, Even a bottle can last up to a month. He always agrees when I start to voice my concern about him as he's admitted to drinking too much at times but then every month I'll find a bottle stashed in garage or cabinet, a hidden bag with a flattened 6pk holder in it. I really don't think he drinks a lot when he does but even if he's sneaking 1 or 2 here and there it's bad that he can't just have that in front of me. I guess that's what everyone is saying he's powerless around it. He just recently told me after a huge fight that he honestly doesn't know why he feels he needs to hide it from me since it's not even a lot at all. He says I make him feel like he's always being watched with it which clearly I do but not in a way where when he does have 1-2 in front of me I'm saying anything at all about it. I would say if I notice him having 2 in a short amt of time I may ask him to slow down but those are really the only times. Other than that I've told him I don't have an issue with him having 1-2 here and there if he feels like he can control it which he says he can but then I find things at one point or another. He also stopped completely (so he claims) for 6 months around last summer but then he says when we went out to dinner around holiday time and we were with a best friend of his who flew to visit family for holiday and he had his first glass of wine everything started up again and he found himself drinking again. The more I rite and read what I'm writing the more it really is becoming clear that he is maybe is an alcoholic. He still says when we talk about it that it's not a matter of him not being unable to stop as he did it for 5-6 months but he uses it to cope with stress and that's when he indulges more. This whole thing is so out of hand it's ridiculous. I will definitely check out one of those meetings and push for him to go to an AA one and see what he says. I have asked him to go to AA in the far past but at that time it surely wasn't going to happen as he was in complete denial and drinking so much. I'm pretty sure my response now will be that he doesn't feel comfortable as he doesn't drink enough to warrant a visit. Thanks to all for the feedback. I will let you know what happens.

Featured Answers



answers from Las Vegas on

I have a lot to say here, but all I can tell you at this point is to learn more about alcoholism.

Best wishes.

8 moms found this helpful

More Answers



answers from San Francisco on

I'm torn on this.

I half think he's an alcoholic and you need to go to AA and Al-Anon, and I half think that maybe he's a normal drinker who hides it from his wife because he knows she disapproves of him.

Your husband really sounds like the kind of guy who would hide it from you because he doesn't want to face your disapproval, which is actually most guys. And you don't say how much he drinks.

I know people, and one person in particular, who drink a lot of beer (I assume it's beer your husband drinks), and I do not for a moment consider her an alcoholic. She's one of the most together people I know. I really think its possible for some people to drink quite a bit and not be alcoholics.

So I don't know what to think. It wouldn't hurt you guys to go to counseling and/or AA together, and maybe you can figure out if it's really alcoholism, because I agree with those below that I wouldn't want to be nagged and micromanaged by my spouse either, and that would certainly force a distance between us.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Sorry you're going through this! Your husband is an alcoholic. You need to igure out what you're going to do in terms of whether or not you accept his behavior.

If you google alcoholic spouses, you'll find lots of info on effective ways to talk to your spouse about drinking. I would also suggest counseling (you go alone if he won't join you) and Al-Anon for you so that you can connect with other people who have family members with drinking problems.

I note that your post avoids the term "alcoholic" - you may want to consider what prevents you from using a term that sounds like an accurate fit for his relationship with alcohol. There is a lot of secrecy and shame around alcoholism and you're going to have to face this head on and not worry about the stigma so that you can start to deal with this.

11 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

Edited to add after your So What Happened:
I hope you see this addition. You've gone on to describe that he doesn't get intoxicated anymore, more nitpicky stuff about how much he drinks (like you're keeping a diary of it) and how long he has supposedly stopped drinking at a time. I shook my head when I read this, because I really don't think you get it. You SAY that you think he's an alcoholic, but you write like he isn't.

The most important thing for you to do is START going to Alanon meetings. Don't just "check one out". This is more than an information session. You need to be going to these on a regular basis. And you need to tell him point blank that you are.

You have to be willing to make some changes on your own. What you are doing isn't working. What you are doing is impeding any changes being made. You act like you can MAKE him stop drinking. You cannot.

You need to be going to Alanon classes and learning the role you play in his alcoholism. It's going to take some hard choices on your part before he is willing to go to AA and not just sit there and daydream or read his phone, etc. It's going to take him wanting his family back.

You had better heed the advice of making sure you have a job so that you can feed your kids. You had better go to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row and make sure he doesn't take all the money out of the jointly held bank account and starve you out. You need to stop micromanaging his drinking and instead micromanaging what the lawyer tells you to do to protect your assets.

He is NOT going to stop drinking until he has lost so much that he gets serious about it.

You need to understand alcoholism better. You actually think that he can stop this without help? He can't. AND, even more important, he doesn't really want to. Without wanting to, an alcoholic will never get better.

And honestly, he IS an alcoholic. Have you really faced this? Do you really understand this?

There's a difference in drinking and in being an alcoholic. People drink. They drink socially, they drink at parties, they drink with dinner. Alcoholics hide their problem and can't stop. That's what you are living with.

Find an Alanon meeting in your area and GO. You will learn about this in more depth and they will help you understand what you should do.

I'm sorry you had a second child with this man. PLEASE don't have a third child. You very well may end up separated from him and the last thing you need is more children in the mix.

You cannot wish this away. You cannot fix him. He has to want to fix himself, and sometimes the only way for that to happen is for an alcoholic to lose everything and hit rock bottom. And you will have to decide if you are going to stay to watch his downward spiral.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

"He does not get intoxicated anymore ever but sometimes ( very infrequently) when he gets home from work I have the feeling he may have had a couple due to his speech being slurred."

If his speech is slurred, he is intoxicated.

If he is hiding alcohol and lying about how much he's drinking, then you need to come to grips with the fact that you are married to an alcoholic.
He isn't going to quit just because you want him to, and he can't taper off. It's all or nothing.
Until and unless HE decides that HE wants to be sober because HE wants to be sober, nothing will change.
You have two choices - learn to live with him as is, or walk away.
Been there, done that, got the divorce decree.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

I have to agree with some that it's jut not clear. You have a very tight rein on drinking so that very well could be why he's hiding things. A 6 pack should last 2 weeks? Someone not wanting to let it last that long does not indicate a problem at all. I worried as a kid my dad was an alcoholic. He had a couple of cocktails after work every night (as most of his generation did). I could tell sometimes after a night at a party he was a bit drunk. But when I was older, he said he could not drink any time. And I witnessed that when certain things came up and he wasn't supposed to drink for a month or something. He's now really old and still drinks some but definitely is not an alcoholic. It seems like you're really on top of your husband for this and if he enjoys drinking, no wonder he hides it. So many people I know have a drink every day or almost every day and get intoxicated some times. It's fun. Doesn't mean they are alcoholics or there's something wrong. I have a good sized glass of wine most nights. I like it. I'll skip some nights though and don't crave it. But if we're out with friends and I have one glass and am having fun, I usually want a second or third. That's very much how all of us are. I see this at social functions, work functions etc. I would tell him you're confused and can you get some professional help to figure it out. I would tell him you very well could be overreacting and you don't want to treat him like a child where drinking is concerned so want to work this out. Make it clear this very well could be YOUR problem. I don't think this is a disaster situation at all. There are definitely people who really like drinking and do feel they "need" a drink sometimes. I don't think that's a death sentence.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

My husband likes meals to be taken from home for his lunch. He feels we should all do this. About two weeks ago, I went into the place with the golden arches, ordered a cheap burger and fries and sat in the car with it. I took the bag and threw it into a public garbage can. I got caught,later that day! A lone fry sat on the floor and he found it. ONE DURN FRY. There's a point coming:
Today I went to another place 'I'm thinking' a beef place and went through the drive through. In total for these two versions of lunch cheats I spent about 8 dollars. I sat in a parking lot of the bank and ate the fries and the beef sandwich,through the bag elsewhere and transferred my cola into a regular glass. It occurred to me that I was doing the same thing as your husband. I was trying to hide it because I don't want him to get mad. He doesn't really, and I work and think I should be able to justify an eight dollar expenditure, but perhaps he is escalating because he has to hide it. I think you should call al-anon and ask to attend a meeting or two. And I'm thinking that you are probably lucky that you don't really have to drink or want one. Honest to goodness a six pack of beer is probably something in our house less than two days. And when I waitressed I used to look at people who ordered wine and drank only half a glass with total dismay. Your husband may or may not be an alcoholic. And millions of us may or may not be. But examine whether alcohol is actually cause real problems, such as financial insecurity, blackouts, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. or the problem is big because you don't want him to drink and he wants to. They are actually separate issues.
And decide if you want him sitting elsewhere having a couple of drinks, like my ridiculous eating in the car, or if you accept that he may be just fine having a few at home with the familyi.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

After reading your SWH, it is really difficult to tell whether or not your husband is an alcoholic. My husband is a recovering alcoholic, but I met him long after he stopped drinking.

It's very important to remember that alcoholism is not about how many drinks you have or how often you drink. It's more about whether or not alcohol controls your life. So part of what you need to consider is, is he hiding the alcohol from you because he's an alcoholic? Or is he hiding the alcohol from you because you are making too big a deal about it.

"So once in a while we have a 6-pk here but it only last a couple days when it is. I resorted many times to telling him we shouldn't have it here at all unless he can make it last. A 6 pk can last me 2 weeks maybe more. I prefer to drink wine, Even a bottle can last up to a month."

Try to keep in mind that your concerns about how long a 6 pack lasts are not at all relevant to alcoholism. There are plenty of people on this site that drink a couple of glasses of wine each night! Blows my mind, because I drink a glass of wine or a bottle of bear maybe once a month. So the idea of having multiple drinks on a single night, more than once a week is crazy ... and expensive!!! (Honestly, the money, for me, would be the bigger issue.)

Your husband may or may not have a drinking problem. That is not really something any of us can determine based on your words (even if you kept a journal). Your husband is the one who needs to reflect and decide for himself. You probably need to think about what you can live with. It would also be a good idea for you to seriously think about what is really fair of you to ask of him. If money is a concern, you are perfectly valid in asking him to cut back. Let's face it. Alcohol is not cheap!!! You are concerned for your children. You want him to be responsible (and sober) if he is the one taking care of him. You want him to spend time with the family and not just with his buddies drinking or in the garage drinking - so, maybe you want him to save the drinking for times when the kids are asleep.

Seriously think about what you need to ask of him. write it down if you need to. Then talk to him about it. But please, stop complaining asking him how many drinks he had or pointing out that he hid a bottle. It really is just as likely that these things are happening because you are being unreasonable and not because he has a drinking problem. Think very carefully about how you want to approach this.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

My husband and I have afternoon cocktails. I'm a wine drinker and I will sip on a couple of classes for a couple of hours. We drink wine with dinner. We don't get intoxicated. Our daughter ( now 20) has watched us drink responsibly over the years.

I get what Julie and Julie say about him being questioned (nagged) about it. He's not your child and you're treating him like one per my interpretation if your post. No wonder he hides it.

There would be a big issue for me if hubby nagged me about how much I drink. We are no where near alcoholics.

I despise visiting my mom. I live a plane ticket away, when I visit I take wine to share when I'm there because we collect good wines and love to share great ones when we find one. Last year, my mom freaking measured the bottle to see how much I drink. We had a fallout over this last year when I visited and this upcoming visit is one I'm not really looking forward to. At the time, my then 19 yr old daughter commented to me about my moms behavior toward me. Daughter said " Why is she treating you like a kid?" "I would not spend all the money to come back to visit if she acts like that." Honestly, I am having a hard time going back because it is insulting that my mom thinks she has to watch what I drink. I'm an adult, I'm not driving, so get off my a$$. This year we are staying in a hotel and limiting visits and guess what.... She's insulted that we are not staying with her, wonder why?

Pick your battles. Maybe it would be beneficial if you and hubby sought some counseling that helps you engage as a partnership relationship vs a parental relationship.

Best wishes to you.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Springfield on

We often hear about "12 Step" programs and that AA is a "12 Step" a Program. The "First Step" in AA is "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

People have differing opinions about what an alcoholic is. But if you talk to alcoholics in recovery, they will usually point to that first step. An alcoholic is one who is powerless. It's not about having a drink. It's about how one drink is never enough. It's about how everything they say and do us motivated by getting their next drink.

It sounds like your husband has said a lot of things to you to make you think this is not a problem. Or maybe just anything he can think of in the hopes you'll let it go and let him keep drinking. It really does sound like he is powerless over alcohol.

Alan-on would be a good place for you to start. Go to a meeting and just listen or ask questions. The more you learn, the better prepared you will be to deal with this.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Julie S for the win.

Your husband sneaks and hides his drinks because he wife treats him like a 4 year old who isn't supposed to have any candy.

ETA: It seems that you're more upset about him drinking more than you think is acceptable than anything. If he drinks 3 drinks, and you only think one is acceptable, he has a problem?

No,'s your expectations that are the problem. It's the fact that you seem to think you need to control his choices. He may have indulged too much in the past, when he was living the wild college kid life, but it sounds to me like he is now an adult who enjoys a few drinks with a wife who thinks he should enjoy it less. Back off and quit parenting him and I think you'll find your stress reduced.

It's the age old question, "Which came first, the problem or the drink?" I'm pretty sure I'd drink too, if my spouse nagged me relentlessly, yelling, crying, and throwing tantrums. Why is he hiding his alcohol? Because he wants to avoid your meltdowns.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

Google Alanon for meetings in your area and start going to them.
You'll learn more about alcoholism and how it affects your family.
You'll learn what you can do to try to not enable him and what you can't do (he can only help himself if he admits he has a problem and then wants to DO something to fix it).
You'll also learn that your kids will grow up thinking that how you are living is what passes for normal - and they might start drinking themselves at some point.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I think J. S is spot on here. You've been nagging him about drinking for years. Why would he be honest? Second, nagging just creates resistance and an unwillingness to listen to the other.

We drink. By many standards, a lot. I know a lot of drinkers. It doesn't impact our lives much, so I guess I'm not sure what the problem is? A few drinks a night really isn't a big deal to me. If his drinking is destructive, if he drinks in the morning, then sure, he probably has a problem. But I drink almost of every night, and if you came over around 5, you'd see me sipping a beer. I may continue to sip beer until bedtime, rarely getting drunk. Does drinking 4 beers over 5 hours make me an alcoholic? Do I drink 4 every night, no, but I have a drink or more most days. Alcohol is a beverage, and some of us really like it. This doesn't mean we are alcoholics.

Maybe therapy would help.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

His drinking is not your fault.
His being an alcoholic is not his fault, but he is an alcoholic.

It is like depression it happens and when it does they need help, professional help.

Go to an Alanon meeting and just gather information.

If your husband had cancer, what would you be willing to do to get him help, even if he was in denial?

No more excuses from either of you. Seek professional help, you are not alone and your children deserve happy healthy parents.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

I think your husband is a functioning alcoholic. My father was the same way. Decent dad, always went to work and brought home the bacon, but couldn't seem to function without a drink in his hand on the weekends and evenings. My mom did end up leaving him.

I think you are the only one that can answer - are you and your kids safe? Is this a situation you can live with? Those are two very important questions.

I think waiting around for him to magically mature or become less selfish is a lost cause. I've been there done that - they either grow out of it or they don't, but after a decade of marriage and two kids if he hasn't already, it's not likely he will.

At this point I think your only option is professional help. Which would depend on him WANTING help. So that is a big "IF" as well. I'm sorry you're in this awful situation. Good luck, I hope that it works out for you guys.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Several people have mentioned Al-Anon. You need to get there ASAP. It is a support group for family members of alcoholics -- it is NOT the same thing as AA or Alcoholics Anonymous, which is for the drinkers themselves. You can find a local meeting and more about Al-Anon here:

The site gives good advice on assessing how someone else's drinking affects you, and there is a "How can I find a meeting" link to start you on the path to find your nearest meeting. You need to do this because you will meet other people who are in the same situation as you, or who have been there in the past. Al-Anon can get you started on deciding how to approach your husband about his drinking. You will need to find someone to babysit while you attend Al-Anon; you might find that your nearest meeting isn't ideally convenient, etc. But please make it happen, for your kids' sake.

You should never, ever have to "resign to a life of this and just deal hoping one miraculous day he'll become honest" about alcohol. If you do that, you are giving yourself and your children a lifetime of pain, and allowing him to model drinking as a normal thing for his children (even if you tell them otherwise yourself). He needs intervention, maybe therapy, maybe AA meetings, but start with yourself and get to Al-Anon for advice and peer support for YOU, then you can deal better with him. Please don't resign yourself to living with a third partner in your marriage--because that's what alcohol is becoming. And do research on how having an alcoholic parent affects children. It's profound, and none of it is good.

You can manage this, but get support for yourself, and be prepared to put your kids ahead of him, however great a guy and father he is. That might mean some very tough choices on your part.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Here are my thoughts:

I'm not sure your husband is an alcoholic. I do know you are nagging him to lie. It is human nature to want to go the route of least resistance, which is what your husband is doing.

When he tells you the truth, you cry and yell about his drinking. When he isn't truthful, you cry and yell about his drinking. He is not your child and he is of legal age. You seem to think that you can decide what is an appropriate amount to drink. That's for you. You cannot control your husband and you are frustrated because he is not letting you.

I'm glad you can make a 6 pk last a couple of weeks, I don't know many who do. You are a light drinker, like me. I don't drink much. My husband has a cocktail every night. He likes scotch on the rocks. We also drink wine. He loves wine as well. Drinks a lot of it. He doesn't get intoxicated and he isn't an alcoholic. We drink in front of our kids. There is nothing wrong with that.

I suggest marriage counseling for both. You need to learn how to better communicate with each other. Your husband enjoys an adult beverage and honestly you sound judgmental in your thoughts of alcohol.

Honestly, I don't know if your hubby is an alcoholic or not but I think a great source for you would be Al-Anon.

Good luck!!!

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

I almost feel like you should try to be more open about it so you can see just how much he's drinking. It doesn't sound like a lot from what you are describing and it sounds like he's hiding things from you, because you are judging him and worried about it. If you can try to lighten up a little and let him have a drink when he wants to, you might see that it's not so much an issue. At least you might be able to establish some decent ground rules; he shouldn't drink when he's in charge of the kids, he shouldn't drink if you need help from him, he shouldn't drink and drive of course, he should aim to only go out and drink once a month (since more is tough on you with the kids at night), etc. Then if he still has trouble sticking to that new plan, or if you find empty containers still, he has a problem.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Boca Raton on

Can you see a counselor or neutral party on your own to help sort through this?

I grew up with a functioning alcoholic dad (though not one person in my family will acknowledge that) who managed to be very successful in the business world. But that shiny facade was just that - a facade. It was sometimes hell at home. I wish my mom could have been strong enough to get some outside help to decide what to do. She would have never left him back then - she was too needy herself. Yet now, after we are all grown and gone - NOW she gets annoyed with him. I feel like saying "yeah mom, no kidding he's scary and out of control. Think how that felt for little kids?"

I'm not saying you should leave him either. It sounds like he has redeeming qualities (as did my Dad, whom I do love very much in spite of everything - that's what made it all so confusing and destructive). All I'm saying is that you need a strong, NEUTRAL, outside party to work with.

People who pick addictive partners tend to have some issues of their own (sorry, a generalization). So if I were you, I'd work on myself first, and then try to figure out what to do.

Try to be strong, healthy and whole for your kids. All of this affects them, probably WAY more than you realize.

If you consider leaving, also consider what he will do on his own with the kids (drive drunk, pass out at home, etc.?). My dad would have never fought for custody and probably wouldn't have even seen us much. Your own situation may be different.

I will pray for you - wishing you peace and clarity. Get help!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Not quite the same thing, but my husband was a smoker. I thought he'd quit too when we had kids, but nope. He smoked outside and our kids didn't even really know he smoked, but it drove me nuts. But I kept quiet about it. I never ever nagged him. See, I'd smoked years before, and I knew that nagging never ever helped. If anything, it just makes you hide it.

So I think you have to stop what you're doing. I'm not saying you're not justified to feel how you feel. But it's obviously not helping. And if you're worried your kids will see you argue and be distant .. then stop doing it. It won't help him if he is an alcoholic, and it won't help him if he's just a casual drinking who doesn't like being nagged.

I went to my husband and said "You spend this much a year on cigarettes, and that's a trip for the whole family to ... and we all worry about your health. It's not really fair to us, nor to yourself. What can I do to help you quit?". He quit. He stopped smoking that day.

That might not work in your situation. In our case, there was zero positives to him smoking, and only negatives.

I don't know if your husband is an alcoholic. Sounds like you need help in figuring that out. But either way, I think support would be more helpful in getting him to change his ways. If you are overreacting as he thinks, then you have to see his point of view too. It's hard to say what is happening here, because we're just hearing your side of the situation.

Good luck to you - I hope he's not an alcoholic, and that you guys can get to a place of respect and trust again.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

I think you need to go to Al-Anon. I'm not sure if your husband is an alcoholic, but the meeting will give you a support group of people dealing with similar issues.

ETA: Interesting discussion here - is this about her controlling tendencies or about his possible alcoholism. I guess it could be either one. But where I moved my position away from controlling (her issue) and over to possible alcoholism (his issue) is where she said that he came home intoxicated when he was supposed to be taking care of his newborn/infant.

In any case, it sounds like a marriage counselor is needed to help them work through this, because having recurring fights over the same issues that end in crying, anger, lying, and no intimacy is a major relationship problem.

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answers from Boston on

Marriage counseling asap. You both need to learn how to communicate like adults. You've fallen into a routine of you nagging and him telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Your children are growing up watching a marriage that isn't working. If he won't go then you need to go yourself so you can figure things out.

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answers from San Francisco on

Your hubby IS an alcoholic. His life has become unmanageable which is clear by the fact that he feels he has to hide it. He may have abstained from alcohol for 5 - 6 months, but look at how little it too for him to start drinking again. And, he is a criminal - he drives drunk. If he's slurring his speech, he's had too much to be driving. Like cancer, this disease will not go away by itself, it will get worse. At this point, he should have medical supervision to quit drinking. You have to decide if you want to live with an alcoholic or not. Period. That is YOUR only choice to make; everything else is up to him.



answers from New York on

Hi all, I really appreciate all the feedback. I did just want
To clarify a bit more, I have never told him he can't drink and he does drink in front of me say having 1-2 possibly 3 and I don't have a problem with it as he promised he he would drink in front of me and not hide the amount. I don't nag him, that is until I find hidden beer bottles or flattened cardboard 6pk beer holders stuffed in a drawer. He's told me/swearing that he'll be open and honest about everything. When I'm able to see it-i actually appreciate that he's supposedly following thru w his words but then when I then find things in between all those that's when i start to
Get angry with him. I would never tell him to not drink unless he was always intoxicated and belligerent. At certain points that was the case, years ago, some months there would be weeks of constant drinking and anger issues cause of it. Sorry, but in my mind no one should be willing to put up with that-esp with small children in the mix. He is not nor ever has been physically abusive but back at those times he was clearly overdrinking (according to any good parents standard) and getting way to
Angry over very small things/mention on my part about how it was getting out of hand. My post here is more about the present issue being about the hiding it (I do not voice my concern unless i see him drink say 2-3 in a very short amount of time. We try very hard not to
Argue in front of the kids but i know even at a you young age they can sense something. If/when we do argue it's always after they are in bed but it's concerning because if we r aloof or cold due to an argument or disagreement that is brewing beneath kids can pick up on that. I just don't want any harm, mentally or emotionally coming to them.



answers from Oklahoma City on

ETA Per your so what happened.

He's hiding it because it truly sounds like YOU have problems with it. I can't imagine telling anyone in my own and THEIR own home they aren't ALLOWED to have a 6 pack in the cooler. Goodness. He hides it because you treat him like you are his boss.

Again, I think you need to talk to a counselor about your ideals about alcohol so you can come to terms with what YOU think about alcohol THEN you can decide if you still think him drinking a 6 pack in two days is extreme.

In Alanon you will only find people who've lived with alcholics and I wonder if your husband is even a heavy drinking according to what you've said.





Here's my opinion. He drinks and you don't like it. He doesn't want to quit drinking and since he grew up with it this is his norm. SO he's hiding it now so he doesn't have to hear you nag him about it. Probably what he's thinking.

I think he's who he is and if you can't accept him for who he is with the drinking then your marriage is already over.

Either you have to file for divorce and move on, hopefully with at least partial custody or visitation of the kids. If you don't work now you need to get a job and a job where you can support the kids on your own. When couples are divorcing now a lot of the time the judge is giving the father full custody and making the mother pay child support and spousal support.

So you do need to weigh out your thoughts. Have you considered going to Alanon or counseling to see if your views on drinking are normal or if he truly has a drinking problem? This will help you have a better view on what is normal drinking and abnormal drinking. The studies I listened to in college gave very clear defined lines as to what a social drinker was and all the way to a rip roaring alcoholic that has a bottle on them all the time and are almost always drunk.

I truly don't see him as an alcoholic from what you've said but he does drink a lot. And he enjoys it and thinks you're weird for not thinking it's okay for you to drink too.

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