Please Help - Los Angeles,CA

You make an appointment with a GYN for her, you take her, and while she's in there, you wait in the waiting room so that she can have a private conversation with the doctor. When she comes out, you ask if she has questions for you, and if so, you answer them honestly.

ETA: I was assuming that the GYN would cover condoms/STDs, but you can also tell her, and I agree that putting a box of them in her hand is a good thing, in case she feels shy about buying them.

Taker her to the doctor now. Unless you want to have a discussion about how she is going to take care of a new baby. She is ready for this even if you are not. Why would you not take her to the doctor who will discuss all of the things she needs to know. stds, unplanned pregnancy, the fact that the boy needs to also use protection. that the pill will not give her coverage for the first month she takes it. etc. why do you need to see her side? she has told you her side. take her to the doctor.

You must be a very good mom to have such a honest and responsible child. Take her to get the pill. Worn her about the emotional attachment to a 'first.' Tell her you trust her and she's always welcome and wanted to come to you to talk and ask for advice. I know it's got to be hard and strange. Hugs to you.

Although you are a bit freaked out right now.... this question SCREAMS that you have done something very right with your daughter for her to have the type of relationship, trust and respect for you. KUDOS!!!!!

Go with her and support her through this process so you can maintain the relationship you have. Keep up that communication. You're doing great mom!!!!

Your daughter is amazing. She waited, responsibly. She asked you to help her, responsibly. She wants to use birth control to be responsible. She's not rushing blindly.

She is legally an adult, but is keeping her communication lines open with you.

Damn. You did a great job. Take her to the doctor, let them talk the talk re the medical, prevention, disease stuff. And give her a huge hug for being such a responsible kid and having a great head on her shoulders, and give yourself one for raising her.

To the mom who responded calling "BS" and to another asking T. to elaborate:

She has mentioned her kids (plural) in the past. Just because she doesn't mention each of them in each post doesn't mean she has only one child. After reading the comments here, I went back and spent all of two minutes looking at a few past posts, and it's pretty clear to me she has a son and a daughter.

T.,

Sounds like you did a great job! Your daughter trusts you and highly regards your opinions and values, and even at 18, she is asking you to help her with this huge transition in her life that most teens just plunge into without any parental advice.

There really is no side to see, dear. She's 18. Take her to the Dr. If she doesn't already, make sure that she really understands how her body works and that she knows all about contraception and how to access it.

This is where the Dr. can be of help to you. Do you like your gynecologist? Do you think he/she would be good with a young adult who may need some guidance in this area? If so, make an appointment. If not, ask your friends for recommendations.

This is a decision she has to make now, but she is asking for your help. Take her, and be assured that you're doing the right thing. Good job, mom!

J. F.

i'm surprised and pleased that your daughter is being so very upfront and honest with you, given that you're so hinky about the whole subject. so, good for you for managing to keep that door open even though i wouldn't have thought it easy to do given your discomfort with it.
since you don't know EXACTLY what to say and are so freaked out about it, i suggest you don't say much at all. your daughter has trusted you to help her, so just do that. take her to get the pill, talk to her a little (or ask the doctor to do so) about condoms and how important it is to protect herself even though she's in a long-term and stable relationship, and try not to keep freaking out and lose the trust and openness.
the time to give her advice and guide her about sex are mostly past, and it seems you've done a good job since she's an adult and has dodged the sex question all through high school, and is now contemplating it with a steady eddie and is being sensible about it. so don't over-advise now. take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back just a little for having done a good job, and be there for her IF she needs you.
no more 100 questions.
khairete
S.

Tell her you appreciate her coming to you. Take her to the doctor like she is asking you to. Discuss not just birth control and STDs (condoms, still) but emotions vs hormones. And then you have to let her make her own choices. Think about it this way - she's being smart about pregnancy, she isn't chasing a random hookup (this is her long time BF) and she wants to talk to you - so listen, and appreciate that she has a decent relationship with you. It's OK to feel like you're not ready. But it's not your choice. My SD was a senior when we found out she was sleeping with her BF (unprotected...grrr...she knew better!) and it was kind of a jolt to my system but I got over it. You will, too. Try not to hammer her with so many questions and instead hear what she is telling you.

I think it's wonderful that your daughter is comfortable enough to talk to you and ask that you come to the appointment with her. This shows that she respects you and it also shows that you 2 have a wonderful relationship. I know you don't want her to go through with having sex but she is an adult. I would go with her to the appointment for moral support and so that she can get the right information. She's going to have sex whether you go to the dr with her or not so just be there for her. I hope my daughter and I will have the relationship you have with your daughter. Good luck!!

This is EXACTLY the conversation I had with my mom and I hope it is the conversation (bc type aside) my son has with DH or myself when he is ready. What you do is take her to the doctor, make sure she is clear about taking the pill (she needs to know she has to be on them a month before she can rely on them and that they do NOT prevent STDS - they should also use a condom). She does NOT need to be ready to have a kid to have sex. She needs to be ready to use contraception and be prepared for a medical (early) abortion in the unlikely event it fails. If I had waited until I was ready to have kids to have sex, I would have been 39 - not realistic.

@ Diane D - the OP never stated her son was her only child and references her 'children' in her question in 2014 about dating. I see no reason not to believe her.

You say "Sure, Honey. I'll make you an appointment with my gynecologist. I'm glad you're taking responsibility for your body and your actions."

WOW. She's 18 and asking for help BEFORE??!! I dub her Superteen/Woman and congratulate you.

There is no sense not approving at her age. I'd feel freaked out too...I sort of hope my kids wait, act wisely, take all the extremely clear information I give them throughout their teen years and then figure things out on their own like I did (I waited 'til 19 though, but that was not the norm), I always talked with doctors and friends about sex, not my parents God forbid!!! ---eek I did not want them knowing my personal business!!!! But Kudos!

The only guidance that matters is that she respects herself, only does what she wants to do, knows for sure the boyfriend is disease free, and if and when she's ever not in a monogamous relationship anymore, she needs to use condoms WITH her birth control EVERY TIME. And Herpes is spread by skin contact. In other words, steer clear of casual hook-ups and always be careful....They should use condoms anyway really even with other birth control to get good and used to it in this big crazy world...

Wow, that's sort of freaky to be "guiding her" into her first sexual relationship...but definitely rise to the challenge, sounds like you guys are close! Good work!

Awesome! Take her and also give her the insurance card and tell her, you are happy to accompany her anytime, but since she is 18 she can now take care of her health issues on her own. Also explain about her prescriptions, etc,, We continued to pay fr all of our daughters health care all through college. She was attending a vigorous college and was not able to hold down even a part time job during the school year, She did work during the summers, but not nearly enough to totally support herself. So we had an agreement about our financial help. She did pick up some free lance etc..when possible.

It is so hard to allow our children to be adults. But once they are 18 essentially, they can now make decisions, they should also be ready to set up appointments for their health care. this includes, eyes, teeth, whatever.

If she is going to attend college in the fall, she needs this information. If she is going to have a job, you need to explain exactly how her banking and any and all financial situations are going to play out as a family.

Do not shy away from any of this.

FYI, also make sure she has a box of condoms. As women, we need to make sure WE are prepared. I never assumed men would be prepared for situations.

What a good daughter you have. She is 18. She is ready. She has a loving boyfriend of a year. Really, the timing is perfect. Ask her what her questions are and then honestly answer them. If you don't know the answer be honest and tell her you will look it up. Ask her if she knows how to prevent STDs and talk to her about how she has the right to say no to certain things if she feels uncomfortable...never feel pressured. Talk to her about pregnancy and making sure to doubly protect herself because she needs to go to college and possibly graduate school and start a career she is passionate about before ever settling down or having kids.

Tell her you appreciate her coming to you, and then make the appointment and go with her. Now that she's an adult, your relationship will start to evolve. At this point, it's important that you support her decisions and continue to guide her.
I got on the pill when I was 18, and I would have never dreamed of discussing this with my mother. I just made the appointment at Planned Parenthood, took myself up there, and got it done all by myself. Sounds like you two have a good, close relationship and that's a wonderful thing.

You've gotten a lot of advice so far. I just wanted to say take a moment to realize that 18 and out of hs is actually pretty late for most women's first time, so congratulate yourself on a child well-raised, and try to come to terms with the fact that she's a woman now. It's great that she came to you for help - so now you have to step up and be that help to her. It may make you uncomfortable but this is something you have to do. It'll be ok mama. Remember, she IS an adult now.

If I could give you a thousand flowers, I would! You've done a great job mom!! That your daughter is THAT open with you?? Speaks volumes of the trust she has with you and respect! YOU GO MOM!!!

Right now? You need to take a deep breath and get that appointment set up for her.

Keep those lines of communication open. Go with her to the doctor and let her know how you are supporting her and her decisions to be proactive and responsible for her body and her actions!

YOU GO MOM!!

I haven't read any of the others posts so I may be repeating some things.

Your daughter is an adult. She asked you to go with to the doctor with her for moral support. She is entering a new part of her life and she wants you to be there for her as a good friend.

The only problem I see is that you as her mom still think of her as the little girl with the pigtails and the ribbons like the movie Father of the Bride. She has grown up and you now have to accept that fact.

Be glad that she came to you and told you before she did anything. She is trying to prepare her life without having a child before she is ready. This may or may not be her future husband but she is trying to protect herself. I give her a big thumbs up for that.

If you can answer the questions fine, if not get the information and relay it to her in an adult manner. If you can find in your heart to describe your first encounter do so. Yes, there are many emotions going on all at the same time so it will be overwhelming for her to enter this new arena but it can be beautiful. Just be honest about everything and go from there. Do not judge her one way or the other for her decision.

It is a wonderful relationship to have as a mother and daughter as adults. My daughter informed me when she was in high school that I was her best friend. I told her I thought x was her best friend and she said no, you are. We have been close ever since and she is 38 and lives in a different state. We still talk and laugh almost every other day.

I hope that you find in yourself to let her live her life and you live yours as women and friends.

the other S.

Take her to the doctor, like she asked. The doctor will be able to assist you in talking to her about prevention, disease, etc.

It's been a year and this guy is amazing. She already came to you and you already asked her 100 questions, so I don't know how much more you can say to her. Obviously since she waited for a year and is dating a great guy, she has a good head on her shoulders and can make good choices.

There is no "side" you need to see. She's now an 'adult'. Time for the doctor. Sounds like you've done a great job!

Sorry but I'm calling BS on this question. Last year you were a single parent to a 8 yr old boy who was the center of your universe and this year you have a 18 yr old daughter who's a virgin with a long term boyfriend who has told you she wants to have sex and wouldn't feel right doing it before talking to you first? I'll just keep my answer to myself and wait until next year when you have 12 yr old identical twins or maybe a grandchild or two.

She's eighteen. She's old enough to legally consent to sex. She wants your help to do so in a safe and responsible manner.
I'm assuming that she knows that it takes more than bcp's to avoid std's, and that she os planning to use condoms as well as the pill. If not, this needs to be part of your conversation.
It's not about you ad what you are or aren't ready for. It's about her and what she wants and needs from you. Go with her, and be supportive of her steps to be responsible with her sex life.

She's an adult mom. It's not something you get to choose. She's ready and he's ready and they're going to do this with or without the birth control. SO, take her to the doc.

She's 18 and out of school.
Why can't she go to a doctor herself?
Did YOU tell YOUR parents when you had sex for the first time?
It's not a conversation most kids have with their parents.
Since your kid IS having this conversation with you - MAKE THE DRs APPT NOW and keep it.
She and the boyfriend aren't going to wait/delay because YOU'RE not ready.
As it is, it takes awhile for the pill to kick in so she's going to need condoms or some alternate form of birth control for a month or so.
It would be best for everyone every which way around if you didn't become a grandparent for 5 to 10 years.
The 18 yr olds need to finish their education (college/career school), get jobs, get married, get a home of their own and THEN have kids when THEY can support/raise them.
Do your part to make sure babies don't happen too soon.

I would just tell her what you would have felt you needed to hear at her age. That her emotional well being is really important at this point, and to do what she is comfortable with. Mostly though I'd just listen.

At that age, we were just given the basics and expected to figure stuff out on our own, but my mom was always there to listen if we needed to. That's what I appreciated most. The open lines of communication (without her being judgemental).

Good luck :)

So help her make an appointment, talk to her about what to expect, an in the meantime, pick up a box of condoms.

Also talk with her about the emotional impact. Sex will change the dynamic of her relationship. Be sure that she understands that and is ready. It's not just a physical act.

Ditto Mynewnickname but I'd add condoms to that mix. I know it must be hard but at least she talked to you about it!!!!

Take her to the doctor. Go in with her if she's comfortable with that and try not to interrupt unless there's a question that wasn't covered. Let her take the lead on it and openly discuss it after the visit.

Your questions should really be to the doctor, i.e., has her recent physical indicated any problems that the pill's side effects would exacerbate. Discuss other options other than the Pill. (the Pill was horrendous on my cycle).

Openly discuss how the boyfriend feels about it. Yes, the hormones are raging but he's a good young man and I'm pretty sure he'll have questions of his own that maybe his parents can't/won't answer. Discuss condoms and show her how they work so she can be aware if the condom was placed on correctly. I truly wish my mother had taken the time to have this conversation with me.

At this stage, being a friend as well as a parent will help tremendously.

I have to applaud your open communication! That's truly remarkable. I'm super uptight about sex topics but strive to model your behavior when these situations inevitably come up. I still don't know what the perfect reaction would be. kids grow up so fast and it's awkward to help your daughter do something that you'd rather her wait for. Your daughter sounds mature and responsible. I would personally explain the merits of waiting without losing emphasis on the importance of contraception. It is her choice and trusting her is probably your best bet. If your heart really wants her to wait, I think you are. entitled to express that. She sounds like a good kid though so I'd support her at the appointment if she is ready. Good luck sweet mama.

I am the there yet my girls are only 4 and 6 BUT I wish I had had a mother like you and hope to have this relationship with my girls.