My 16 Years Old Son Told Me He Is Having Sex with His Girlfriend.

Short of grounding him and forbidding them any contact with one another, you can't stop them. Even then, if they want to badly enough, they will find a way. And you will have destroyed his trust that he could come to you in the process. That would be a loss from which none of you would recover.
He came to you, and you need to honor his trust by not flipping out on him.
You did the right thing by teaching him how to protect himself and her from an unwanted pregnancy.

i'm not quite clear on when you had the 'how to protect themselves' conversation- before or after you found out they were having sex?
kudos for having a sufficiently open and honest relationship with your son that he did discuss it with you at all, although late.
have you spoken to the girl's parents?
ideally at this point they should be using condoms AND another form of birth control. hopefully your conversations with them included talk about STDs as well as pregnancy, and your reasons for wanting them to wait if you have religious and/or moral concerns.
and i'd be making it difficult for them. not by forbidding them to see each other or anything draconian like that (which would just backfire anyway) but by having strict rules about open doors. they'll find ways- they already are- but that doesn't mean it should be a surrender on your part.
ETA you are VERY lucky that these kids are smart enough to get condoms from friends. it would be way easier for them to be typical teenagers and assume they'll be lucky. make sure they have condoms!
khairete
S.

You can't stop them but you can run them ragged and keep them busy so they have very little time for each other.
If he's old enough for sex, then he's old enough to get a job for this summer and start earning some money.
Keep him concentrating on his plans for the future - and remind him how a pregnancy could really throw his future off track.

I had no wish to discuss this with my son's girlfriend's parents when we found out they had had sex (he told me). Did it happen in my house? I have no idea, he always had to have the door open if they were in his room. The relationship lasted about 6-8 months and the breakup was amicable. We reminded him regularly about using condoms, and she was on birth control pills (she told me as much). Beyond that, I saw no reason to poke my head into their relationship.

We have no religious or other issues that demand our kids wait for marriage, we don't see pre-marital sex as bad. What we have always emphasized with our children how to protect themselves and how to protect their partners. We discuss feeling safe in a relationship vs. feeling pressured to do something they don't want to do and how to avoid situations which might "put them on the spot". Do we approve if they have sex? Doesn't matter whether we do or not, it's not our call - their bodies don't belong to us, it's our responsibility to teach them how to be safe, kind, and respectful of themselves and their partners.

The girls that I knew that got pregnant or caught an STD were the ones who couldn't talk to their parents, whose parents forbade sex outright. It made them sneak around and be unsafe while having sex.
You know whose kids have the healthiest experiences with sex that I know? Pagans. I know lots of them. Sex is not always spiritual or soul-affecting. I know that from experience, sometimes it's just sex. It IS powerful and should only be engaged in with the right person. But I have to disagree with Heidi below me. If that was her reaction & her understanding of sex outside of marriage, that's her business, but it doesn't apply to me or many many of the people I know.

Sadly we can't stop our kids from making choices we think and know are poor.
I think the best thing you can do is make sure he is aware of the consequences (physically and emotionally), by all means, make sure he is prepared! Buy him the condoms and the spermicide. I don't feel like that is you condoning the behavior, I look at it more as you accepting the inevitable and trying to deal with it in the most responsible way possible.
Realistically, you can't stop them and you don't want a pregnant teenager to complicate the situation further.

My 17 year old son and his 18 year old girlfriend are also sexually active. She is on the pill and he uses condoms. We have spoken to her parents. Although all of us are aware of what is going on, none of us make it easy for them. They don't hang out in rooms with doors shut, they are respectful of us and of time spent in our homes, and they are well aware of how their goals for their futures could be impacted by faulty use of birth control. Most of their time spent together is with our family or with friends, and sometimes with her family. I know they do manage to find time (and the place) for sex - they are teenagers, after all. Hopefully they are being smart about it. When my son and I talk about it, which we do, it sounds like they are being cautious. She is going off to college soon, so we'll see how things go then. My son is a school year younger.

Keep the lines of communication open. That's extremely important.

ETA: The only reason we talked to her parents was because her mom called me to let me know they were going out of town and the daughter would be alone for the weekend. She said then that she knew they were having sex, and that the daughter had told her that we also knew. I wouldn't have called them pointedly to tell them.

You need to make sure he is using condoms every time, but more so you need to make sure she is on birth control that is reliable and that she is taking according to the directions. If she gets prego you and your son get zero say in whether or not she keeps the baby, your son just ends up with child support payments for the next 18 years, so he needs to be extra careful. If you do not feel comfortable talking to her mother, at least talk to her about what she is doing for BC, and suggest she make an appointment with Planned Parenthood, she does not need her mothers permission to get on birth control at this point and she needs to be protected.

You can not keep them from growing up, but you can do everything in your power to make sure they are being smart about it.

Good for you. Sounds like you are handling a less than ideal situation in a very mature, supportive and loving way. Kudos to you for raising a child who will talk to you about sex. I would make sure he has condoms and spermicide, not just 'knows' where to buy them. It would also be good if she were on the pill. I would also broach the subject of birth control failure with him so he and she can be on the same page about abortion/adoption before something like that might happen.

I'm going out on a limb here and sorry if this is rude, but English is not your first language?? I ask because of the wording.

Your son is having sex in your home? Is that the way I understand this post? You are "allowing" it to happen? WHY? Because you are NOT supervising them??

This is called PARENTING. You are in the room with them. They are NOT allowed behind closed doors.

Can you stop them from having sex? No. But you need to make sure he understands the consequences of his actions and deeds. Do either one of them understand the consequences of unprotected sex??

Why have you NOT spoken to the girlfriend's mother?? If you have - what does she say? Is she on-board with this??

You need to PARENT your son. That means supervising he and his girlfriend while they are in your home.

Make them realize how hard being a young parent is. If you have a friend who has a baby? Have that person come over and have them responsible for the baby - and remind them - this is what can happen with sex...are you ready for it...then take them shopping for diapers, baby care, etc. and ask if they can afford it...if the answer is NO?? Then they need to keep their hormones in check.

Good luck!

Condoms Condoms Condoms- I would buy him the condoms myself and make sure he knows how to use them. Teenagers have sex, it's normal. Hopefully her mother was smart enough to put her on birth control, but they still need to use a condom. Make sure he knows about STDs and how to prevent pregnancy. You won't be able to stop them so just make sure he knows how to be safe.

* I just wanted to add my husband and I had sex in high school, we are now married with two kids and I didn't have the first kid until I was 27. So it's not always the crisis situation people imagine.

Lord....16 is so young!

As it seems you have good communication with your son, and I'm sure he knows your values and wishes, I'm not going to go into that. Keep up the open communication.

I just want to add: Buy condoms. Put them in a basket under his bathroom sink or in a drawer and keep it stocked. Encourage him to talk to his girlfriend about being on the pill just in case a condom slips or breaks. And talk to him about respecting her. He should not be bragging to his buddies, talking about what they do in private, or otherwise spreading rumors.

Agree with Wild Woman and Suz T very much here.

You know it's happening (good for you for having such an open relationship) - that shows trust :)

And some maturity too! So that's good.

But being ok with it and permitting it ... that's where you can have some control and you don't have to allow it. I would make it hard (open doors), keep popping in (if den)/walkby's, etc.

When my friend's kids were that age and having sex, they made sure that a parent was always home - so they didn't talk to the parents about sex and their kids - but they would call ahead and make sure a parent was going to be there. It might have been a bit overkill, but that was their rule. And I'm sure they had sex elsewhere .. but that way the parents weren't giving permission.

Good luck :)

** Protection is the big discussion of course - so keep reminding him of that, because kids get lazy the longer it goes on.. or if drinking is involved (ever) - just saying!

Oh wow, welcome to teens and the world of sex.

I hope that you had had a few talks with him prior to his announcing his sexual activities. Now you or hubby need to go the full route of everything with him. He should know all the consequences and how they can keep him from doing the things on his dream or bucket list. As I used to tell my son, "Don't let 5 pounds keep you off the football team."

Your baby boy is now a growing young man. Yes it is a surprise that you are now seeing a man before you or in the making. Do treat him with respect and in an adult manner. In two years he will be out on his own and doing his own thing without you around so do prepare him for the move.

If you want to speak to the mom of the girl come up with something that will lead into the conversation. The mom might already know. Are you ready to become inlaws? If the girl is close to you you might be able to talk to her and find out what her dreams and ambitions are. Good luck to you all.

the other S.

PS The time does fly and yes you are always surprised about how fast they grow and become adults. Now you are there and time to treat him like an adult. Respect him and be there for him and bring out the prayer shawl, beads or whatever and ask for protection from above. Also the other boys are watching what you do with him as to what they can do so you may want to make this a talk with the others as well. Oh all the testosterone him you home.

I don't know what your spiritual, religious, moral background or current philosophy is, so I'm going to speak in generalities that may or may not apply to you. It seems to me that when parents don't have a real clear picture of the spiritual/emotional impact that sex has on a person, they are not able to tell their kids the "why", only the "what". We want our kids to behave or not behave in certain ways, but lack the ability to give them clarity because, well, parents don't have the clarity themselves. You can't teach what you don't understand. You have a sense that there is more at stake here than STD's, and unwanted pregnancies, but you really can't put your finger on it. Sex is a spiritual, soul act and it has spiritual/ soul effects far beyond the physical.
When you have a secular world view, sex boils down to the physical. And in an era where ideas like sin, have given way to ideas like, "if it feels good do it", why not have sex at 16? Slap on a codon and go to town! Right? Except, we all know and we all sense there is something bigger at stake here. Souls, minds, emotions, bonding, attaching and things that 16 year olds really aren't ready for. I think you need to take a step back and look at sex from a whole person perspective: Body, mind, and spirit. When you have more clarity, you can share it with your son. Even if its too late to prevent some of the damage (and guaranteed, there is damage being done), he can still learn from his mistakes even if he didn't avoid the mistakes. And this can be a lesson for your younger children too. Not that you should blab about his behavior, but i"ll tell you, I found out about some of the promiscuous behaviors in my sisters, watched the drama and damage manifest, and said to myself, "no teen sex for me". You need to dig deep here Mary. I recommend you start with the book; Epidemic: how teen sex is killing our kids. Its outdated, but it still the book that solidified in my mind how seriously I would teach my kids to wait for sex and why. And also, take a moment to pray that God will give you the knowledge you need to meet this crisis. Because I promise you, He will answer.

On the plus side, your son talked to you before he wanted to have sex, and after he started. You had a discussion about protection, which is good. Hopefully this included very factual information about both pregnancy prevention and disease prevention. (Yes, they are telling you that they want to be "the first" for each other, but who knows if that is true?) So your talks should have included a discussion of condoms as PART of the contraceptive picture (not all), but they will also help with prevention of sexually transmitted infections.

But there are details missing from your story. Where are they having sex, if it's not in your house? At her house? At friends' houses? In a car? Behind the school? If the girlfriend is being dropped off at your house every weekend, should we assume the sex is happening at your house? So you don't have an open door policy with your children? What do your other children think is going on?

And how are they affording the birth control and protection you and your husband advised? You seem to think the other mom has an inkling, but you don't know for sure because you haven't talked to her. I agree with you that if you just say no, they can't ever see each other again, they will sneak around. But that doesn't mean you have to provide a bed for them to have sex in. You don't feel this is right for a teenager, and you also have 2 other teens in the house who are either aware of what's going on because they observe it, or they are getting info from their brother. And if your teen and his girlfriend are talking about it, then other kids at school know about it. If they break up, this legacy stays with them.

So I would say, yes, you talk to the other parents. You make a plan to take both kids to the doctor so they get some education and have a chance to ask medical questions from an objective professional.

You also have a very strict talk about sexting and you have access to your son's cell phone so you can check for photos which stay on the internet forever. If your son will not give you his password, take the phone away. It's a privilege only for those mature enough to handle it. They also need to have access to part-time jobs so they can afford their contraception. Take them to Planned Parenthood or another reputable clinic, again so they can get good information and understand the repercussions.

There's a difference between accepting the reality of his sexual activity and approving of it. The decision-making portion of kids' brains isn't fully developed until age 25 or so. They don't understand that, and they don't fully understand consequences. So it's your job to step up and set strong parameters.

You can tell them you don't approve and not allow them to have sex in your house. My daughter and her boyfriend are allowed to hang out any where downstairs. Never upstairs!

Teenagers are young and dumb and act on impulse. They will find a way to have sex if they really want too. Did your son tell you where they were having sex? Why do you allow the GF to come over every weekend? Do you limit the time they are in the basement? I certainly would not prevent them from being together, but i would set rules and times of exactly when they can be downstairs. They are going to have sex regardless so keep talking to him about safe sex and if I were you, I would for sure be making a phone call to the girls mother! My DD is soon to be 18 years old dating a college boy who is going to be 19 years old in May. Just last week, we sat down again for the 10th time to talk about sex because I know now that she is getting older it might just happen. She knows about PG and STD's so I am not worried about that part, she is on BC and has been since she was 14 (heavy period and severe acne problems) so we are ok in that department but what i talked to her about is once she gives up her purity.... that is it, she can never get it back. I also talked to her about respecting her body and it is her choice when/where and to whom she chooses to give her virginity too but that i hope it would be with someone she really cares about and someone she is in a committed relationship with. We also are very open with each other. She knows i will not allow sex in my house and she needs to respect that and respect my wishes. All i can do at this point is educate her and hope she makes right choices. My guess is she probably won't. Live and learn. We have all been through it. Her BF is allowed to come over but they are not allowed to go in her room, they have to stay in the living room. She is a Junior in HS and he is a freshman in college. They are two years apart grade wise but only one year apart age wise. All we can do is teach our kids. Good luck!