Parenting Issues in Our House

It sounds extremely frustrating, and I agree, your husband needs to step up to the plate more. It sounds like he's afraid to be the 'bad guy', and also sort of lazy when it comes to putting any effort into a routine.

However, it also sounds like the two of you have a very oppositional thing going on between the two of you. You're REALLY angry and maybe a little controlling, and he's REALLY passive-aggressive, from the sound of it. I don't think your kid needs behavioral counseling, necessarily - you're right when you say that his problems arise from you and your husband's problems. You need marriage counseling to help get to the root of what is happening.

It's so nice to play "good cop" and let your wife play "bad cop." That's what he's doing. From what you say about his "if all is calm all is OK" approach to your marriage as well, your husband is a highly non-confrontational person, the kind who would do anything to avoid a scene or an outburst. The fact he's not following what the therapist recommended is key; your husband doesn't want to get confrontational, even in the most minor day-to-day ways (like saying "no" firmly and taking the toy away), even with his son.

My sister-in-law is the same way -- extremely non-confrontational in all aspects of things. She very rarely corrects her daughter, and then the correction is a sweet, nearly whispered "Let's not do that." The result has been that our niece, now 11, rules the roost and has zero respect for her mother or for other adults including her grandparents, her uncle (my husband) and me. (Her dad is a jokey, teasing kind of parent whose "corrections" are just sarcastic comments, and he is away on business enough that my sister-in-law has been left the day to day stuff.)

Sorry, I digress. I just know from experience that kids need consistency and firmness, as your therapist said and as YOU know too.

Time to get back to the therapist. If you were at a point of going to one previously, then already your husband should realize things are amiss. He is abdicating all the harder parts of parenting to you and making himself "fun dad" while you have to be "tough mom." This is unfair and the result will be that your son will play you against each other and will not respect either of you. Respect doesn't mean fearing you -- maybe your husband is worried your son will be scared of him or not like him if he's firm about things like "No, no toys today." Do you think your husband is worried that he must be fun dad so his son will love him? But your kids don't have to like you all the time or find you fun all the time. I hope the therapist can get him to see that and can get him to see that there WILL be negative results down the line when your son, like our niece, is never corrected or given consequences, and grows up with problems with manners and behavior toward all adults, not just parents.

It's really important that parents are on the same page, mostly for the sake of your marital relationship. I have seen a number of relationships almost destroyed because of disparity in dealing with kids.

However, it is possible to be the main disciplinarian, and have your kids still turn out fine. It will wreak havoc on your relationship, though, so the sooner you can find a way to get on the same page, the better.

Kids will play their parents if they are not on the same page. So hubby and you need to find some common ground on the big things.

Hubby and I have a tad bit different parenting style but similar vaules and ideas on parenting just different approaches on how we want to raise our daughter. We argree that rules must be followed, we have a schedule but I tend to waver more on the timing... example: nap or quiet time is from 2-3pm, hubby always is on time I on the other hand during the week running errands or whatever sometimes my daughter does not get a nap/quiet time till 3 or 4 pm... summer bedtime usually 8:30pm (8pm if daughter is really tired and cranky), well sometimes I let her stay up till 9pm if she is in a good mood and we are watching a movie or playing a game or outside.

When it comes to discipline we are both on the same page of not spanking, we do use time outs if needed but most of the time not needed. Where we differ is the the punishment and giving one warning that is clearly stated. Example: At a gift opening yesterday, she was the only kid (she is almost 5 years old, there was a baby there and then then next kid was age 14), I told her she could play in the corner of the room (fellowship hall at church) gave her a stuff animals, books, crayons & paper. She was throwing up the stuff animal and it hit the ceiling I went over and told her she can not throw it that high because the ceiling tiles could fall out if hit. She said ok, I do not want to break the ceiling. She was still was throwing the stuff animal up, which I thought was ok, since she was not bothering anyone in the back and it was not hitting the ceiling BUT hubby stormed over grabbed the stuff animal and said mommy said no throwing you will get the stuff animal back at bed time. This made me furious because this was NOT what I said and I never told her I would take it away, that would be the warning if it hit the ceiling again. He just jumps from nothing to somthing with no warning. I took the stuff animal from hubby, told him I never said that and gave it back to my daughter. He was mad at me for giving it back, I understand that because I was not backing him up but to me there are times that he goes too far too quickly.

Most of the time I try to talk with hubby if we are both home before we punish or discipline so we look like we are on the same page. Now if he does not do the same I will over step him and stand up for my daughter if I disagree with hubby, because at times I think being a parent means you have power over a child where instead I see it as we are teaching our daughter to be a wonderful loving, caring, kind, independant, smart person.

It's clear that the problem isn't your son. But your son is taking advantage of the fact that his father isn't being a parent. Your husband has no interest in parenting and he has no interest in stepping up, and that has to change. He needs to be willing to do the work in your marriage so that you can be happy together... a happy couple makes for happy parents, and that makes it easier to be a team.

What he's doing right now is just waiting for you to take the responsibility of bed time away from him, as well as any other parenting responsibility you've given him. If he does a piss poor enough job at it, then you'll leave him alone and do it yourself, right? Then he gets to coast and watch TV and lay on the couch and be a guy's guy and not have to have any responsibility.

First order of business. No more arguing about parenting in front of the kids.

Second order of business is getting a babysitter and getting out just the two you. You need to talk honestly and bluntly about your marriage and making it work, and what it's going to take to fix things on both ends. You need to talk about being parenting partners and the effect that not being partners and not following through is having on the kids. You need to talk about how not being united and firm is something that the kids take advantage of. You don't need to beat your kids into submission, but you need consequences and guidelines and follow-through. If your husband doesn't know where to start, then start with marriage counseling and parenting classes for both of you. You need to learn to communicate better and to parent as a team.

It takes a lot of hard work. With my husband, I stopped allowing him to be the bumbling dad who didn't know how to do anything. It was an act. I knew he knew what to do, and I let him know that I trusted him to do the right thing. If he needed help, I gave him suggestions and options. When it comes to our special needs daughter this is a work in progress... and he's finally learned to watch and listen when I deal with her. He's learned to trust himself as a parent. It was a wonderful thing when I saw him realize how positive parenting works, and how much authority he has when we work together.

Sometimes my husband and I disagree on things too but not everything. Sometimes we give in too but not all the time just on occasion. Some fathers get more involved than others but you were right for carrying your son out to the car. I'm proud of you for that instead of giving in. I've had to do that too or I just put the toy back and said no while he whined for a little while until I could find something else to focus his mind on. Sometimes I just grab something for 99cents and tell him he can have that instead and that works. I found this out with my teen also. She would beg to go places and I used to cave in last minute. The last two times she was I wasn't changing my mind and I didn't hear another word about it and she still lived. I was amazed! The only thing I can say is keep doing what you're doing and hope dad jumps on board soon! Good Luck! Maybe tell him that you tried something and it worked and then e may try it too.