I Need Help with a 2 Year Old PLEASE!!

Haha... You better you get used to 'No'... And you better get used to 'Mine'... And the jealousy? Totally normal.

My son is 2. His dad and I have always been together. He still gets jealous when daddy gives his mummy cuddles or kisses. He thinks they all belong to him. Which leads us to the 'Mine'... Also totally normal of a 2 year old. You just have to work on teaching her how to share. Gives LOTS of praise when she shares. Eventually she'll catch on. And the 'no'? I don't think that ever ends :P

I think mom needs to take responsibility for discipline, and you need to stay out of that role for now. If I am reading this correctly you are mom's boyfriend, and if that is the case I don't think it is wise for you to be the "disciplinarian" right now. Just support mom in this role and be a role model, like you mentioned.
Love and Logic, 1-2-3 magic, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk are all good books to read for this age.

I worked with toddlers for a long time and had my own for a while, until he grew out of it.:)

They grow out of it, and then they turn three and a whole other basketful of 'fun' behaviors comes up.:)

Everyone below has given you pretty good advice. Let mom do the disciplining as much as possible, unless you are left alone with Morgan.
You *can*, by the way, speak up for yourself. "Stop hitting me. That hurts." is totally reasonable. Then, mom should be following up in some age-appropriate ways with giving her another object to hit. When she hits you, it is your option to move away from her or remove yourself from access. This is similar to doing what many of us do with our babies when they bite-- we stand up and walk away. Standing up makes our bodies less available.

It's not a power struggle if you are calmly moving yourself out of her reach. It's not a power struggle if you give her a redirection she can understand, such as directing her to 'hitting is for pillows' and hand her one.

If you are wanting to do any discipline, you will need to put in the time to develop a loving, trusting relationship with this little girl. A family counselor can help you and your girlfriend navigate through this.

I will say this out of respect for the child, and because I am taking your post at face value: you have moved in with a family, not a girlfriend. Be sure you have taken a hard look at the future you want with Morgan's mom. Unless you are wanting to be a stepfather and are willing to do the very hard work of learning about little kids and how they grow, what they need, and are willing to make a commitment to Morgan's mom, this is going to be heartbreak for both the mom and the child. Being a step-parent is hard, hard work and requires a lot of patience. Even more so than a parent, because you will have to take who Morgan is at face value as well.

The books suggested can help. I also highly recommend The Science of Parenting by Margo Sunderland. It's an easy read and focuses on brain development, its correlation to emotional development, as well as reasonable expectations to have of children and how to help them feel safe and secure. If you are committed to the relationship, this is the time to make the extra effort to learn, observe, and let Morgan's mom be in charge of the parenting for now.

For what it's worth, if Morgan had mom all to herself before this, yes, there will be jealousy. However, a LOT of moms will tell you that their toddlers had a very pronounced "mommy preference" at this age. My husband, who has been a rock star of a dad, has gone through seasons where my son wanted *nothing* to do with him; would only let me console him; wanted my undivided attention and for "Daddy go away!" I did nothing to provoke this, and saw this sort of preference for one parent or another with many of the children I cared for. This is very common, so do not take it personally. It's all about toddler development.

Here's one link on development you might find helpful for starters:
http://www.allthedaze.com/pdevelopment.html

And instead of the suggested food and treats (really?!), there are other fun bonding things to do: blow bubbles, read stories, sing songs, be silly, build block towers, play baby dolls-- whatever *she* is interested in, try to meet her in those activities. You might try to play alongside her, as most kids at this age play 'parallel' to each other (as opposed to 'with' each other). Smile at her. Draw simple pictures for her. Play playdough. Plenty of ways to connect if you are willing to do it in ways that are fun for her.

Get a book.
"What To Expect The Toddler Years."
Or take a parenting class or child development class.
Bear in mind, that even the most seasoned Moms, can go crazy with Toddlerhood.
BUT each year of a child, they go through normal age-related phases.
They are just a kid.
We are the "adult."
Hence, even if they seem difficult, they are just a kid.
Of course, a kid may "reject" you and be territorial. Their Mom, has changed. She is with you.
A child this age, DOES NOT even have, "emotions" fully developed yet. Nor the communication skills nor the vocabulary nor the ability... to understand abstract feelings. Nor do they even have the ability, to succinctly tell you, "how" they feel. Hence, they act it out.
This is normal.
She is a child.
Her parents are no longer together.
This affects... the child.
It can cause, deep emotional problems in a child.
She doesn't know, what you are.
or why you are around.
She is only, 2 years old.
They don't even know, what adult relationships are.
You need to keep this in mind.
And the Mom, should be nurturing her child, not you.
I don't mean that in a snarky way. BUT... if the relationship causes much emotional problems and behavioral problems in her child, the Mom... has to address this and make her child, the priority. Even getting child Counseling/Therapy if needed. Remember, the child's parents, are no longer together. Her Dad is not around. She... is confused. To say the least.

The "no" and "mine" phase... is NORMAL. Even with kids that have an intact family and 2 parents.
So, bear that in mind.
It is a hard age.
But, 3 and 4 years old... is even HARDER.

Your girlfriend's daughter... is going... through... a major... life... change. Her parents broke up. The Mom is with you. You live together. A child this young does not understand... all of that.
And what if you and the Mom break up one day?
That will also, affect the child.
At this young age, the child's well being, has to be, foremost.
They do not have deductive or inductive reasoning even developed yet. At this age. For example.

And most of all, do not "compete" with the 2 year old.
You are the adult.
Try to understand, how it feels for the 2 year old.
Her parents, are no longer her world.
The Mom is with you now.
That is a sudden... change. A big change in her life.
And a child either can or cannot, adjust to that.
Not even some teenagers, adjust or like, that their parent has a girlfriend or boyfriend.
You cannot have this relationship, only thinking of the Mom.
She has a kid. And the child needs lots of nurturing.
And, attention.

**And remember: Many adults... don't even know what their relationship is, nor can they define it or know what it is all about or if it is the one. Many adults don't even know the other person nor how each other feels. And a child doesn't even know, what "living together" means. Even couples don't know that themselves. So how can... a 2 year old, deal with all of this?

AND most importantly... a child, should NEVER have to feel... that they have to choose, between their Mom or someone else. If for example, the Mom is not pleased with her daughter being this way... then the daughter will be sorely, wronged. And a child, should not have to feel that they have to just please the boyfriend or else or that they are 2nd, to the Boyfriend. Or that if the Boyfriend is mad about the child, that the Girlfriend has to choose her boyfriend over her own child, in order to keep, him. That is not, a construct a child should have to live. It is dysfunctional.

You are not the child's parent.
You are not in charge... of disciplining the child.

Are you married?

Have you taken parenting courses?

Did you have any idea what you were walking into when you agreed to move in with a 2yr old?

If you answered "No" to any of these you may want to reconsider the situation.

If you are planning on being with a woman who has a child or children you should take parenting classes and begin reading books so you can understand what is typical and what is not.

"No" & "Mine" are totally standard for a toddler and think about it from her perspective, she used to have Mommy all to herself, now she has to share her? Toddlers and sharing are not friends. The situation is new all together and I suggest if you plan to marry this woman you take parenting classes and possibly family counceling. If you are not sure about marriage then you should have never moved in to begin with and should look for alternate housing ASAP.

You are describing every toddler that has ever been. Even in families where the toddler has always had both parents living under the same roof, the child will be jealous. We used to always joke that our oldest wanted to make sure he was an only child, because we could only have a moment to ourselves if he was asleep and even then we knew there was a chance he'd wake up and the term "quickie" seemed to take on a very different meaning.

If you google "Toddler's Creed" you will find many variations, but this one seems to closely resemble the one our preschool gave us at orientation:

Toddler's Creed:
If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours

I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.

It's hard to come in to this position, my now husband and I started dating when my daughter was in her "totally worse threes". It was hard for him to understand normal preschool behavior coupled with jealousy of the guy taking mom's attention. He wanted so badly to help me, the single mom, in dealing with her behavior, screaming, temper tantrums, refusing to go to bed at night -average hour to get her to stay in bed. But all the experts will say the same thing For the first year or so Mom must be the disciplinarian and you must be the "fun uncle" and the support mom needs to do that hard work. If you were to adopt a two yr old, your first job would be to bond with that child. That's where you are now.
My boyfriend/new husband felt I wasn't disciplining enough. Sometimes he was right, I was exhausted, overwhelmed and guilty for working, putting her in day care, and moving her away from her grandparents. Sometimes he just didnt know what was typical behavior from such a young child. My daughter was very verbal, thus appearing to be older and more mature than she was. If you feel mom is not doing a good job with discipline, the two of you should go to parenting classes together, read the same books and make sure you are on the same page. What to Expect the Toddler Years and Happiest Toddler on the Block by H. Karp are not to be missed!
As others have said No is an important part of her development, she's just recently figured out she and mom are separate beings and do not always agree. Mom should work on the hitting but the jealousy is so appropriate! Do try to take her out for ice cream or to the playground just the two of you! Good luck, I'm sure she needs a great male role model in her life!

I just read the comment by S.H.

She is correct.

You guys are the adults and what she is going through is normal. There is no need not her hug your girlfriend ! Don't over do the hugs and kisses (I'm sure u don't).
But, yes, continue...It's not much different than the time my daughter was 2. I would go down the street to the store for 15 minutes. My husband said my daughter would NOT want to stay w/ him. She would stand at the door and cry and cry. I still went to the store. After a month or so, she did not tantrum. It took a month. So, hugs are fine, as well !

PS--When she is 15 and wants to go to the mall--She will not want you guys to walk into the same store w/ her.

Add: Hazel had some great stuff to say :)

Original: Totally normal at that age.

Look into parenting classes - I like love and logic (loveandlogic.com) because it teaches the child decision making/choice making from a very early age, natural consequences, etc., and it helps creat THINKING parenting vs. reactionary. It's a bit harder, but it's pretty cool to see it work.

Take things slowly. If you are just in the boyfriend stages, you can be a role model, and with mom's permission, do very light correction, but it is not your place to discipline at this point. When you get to engaged/married, then there would be more parenting/discipline teamwork, but you have to take it slow and build a relationship. This is not easy, and you must not blame the child for her feelings.

Right now, you are taking her mother from her. It's that simple. Even adults don't like it when a new person moves into the lives of someone they care about and have a relationship with - and adults have the ability to communicate how they feel (usually - lol). I don't know if family therapy would help - maybe down the road if things get official. But the pediatrician might be able to help.

Try not to push too fast, and share your affection with the child so she feels safe, because right now she doesn't. You're rocking her world, and not in the same way it feels for mom.Patience and love and care. I wish you all the best.

It's the work of a two year old to assert independence, and they are naturally egocentric at this age. They also model behavior closely, so if the child is hearing "No" often, she will likely say "No" more often. Try redirection instead. For example, rather than say, "Don't throw the ball in the house" say "Let's go outside to throw the ball." Or instead of "No - don't climb on the chair," say "Chairs are for sitting on." Positive discipline can be wonderful for a child at this age seeking boundaries. And it can take the pressure off of the adults, too. Redirection is magic for curious toddlers.

Sounds like a typical toddler. My children are being raised by the married mother and father who bore them (i.e. me and my husband) and MY two year old says no, mine, yanks things away from people, hits her sister, etc etc etc. I second the suggestion that you take a parenting class...you don't have the benefit of two years of experience since this child was born.

And of course there is jealousy. You aren't the child's father, she/he probably remembers who her/his father is, and you are the stranger. That will just take time.

Your job is to bond with this little girl. Make her laugh, play with her, keep it light. Her mom is the only one who should be disciplining her at this point. She sounds like a totally normal 2 year old. MINE is normal. Jealousy is normal. Please go to the library and check out some child development books and read them. Maybe take a love and logic parenting class with your girlfriend. Ages 2,3,4 and 5 (for us) were all quite trying. You have to have tons of patience raising a child...it's not easy. Please remember you cannot be a disciplinary figure with her yet...that is her mom's job. You are too new in the family. Your job is to help mom and bond with this little girl.

You can also speak to the pediatrician and explain your situation, he can probably refer you to a family therapist or parenting classes to help you deal with the situation. You do have a typical toddler on your hands, but under the circumstances, you not being daddy, just coming into the picture, having to share mommy....etc...you'd do best to speak to someone. Books are great, but there are so many out there, with so many opinions and if you have questions on the subject matter, there's no one to ask. Good luck and above all, be patient.

The child's behavior is normal. If you are going to be in the child's life, I think you should leave the discipline to his/her mom, at this point. How about being fun and loving, in addition to being a good role model, and forget about being a "disciplinary figure" for now.

If you become a father figure to this child, I hope you either marry Morgan's mother, or continue to be in Morgan's life if you and your gf break up. If the child starts to see you as a father, and you leave, you will break Morgan's heart.

I agree with S.H., and please pay attention to what Hazel is telling you, because step-family situations are very difficult. Raising a child is extremely hard.

Ask your girlfriend to talk to her child's pediatrican. You need some tools to help your family and it's time to get them. The ped can give you all some names of people who can help you through this.

all that is normal in a 2 year old.. like i know moms that cant hold other babies or nothing or their kid gets jelious. its called terrible twos but if you think it is worse and just toward you try some candy or ice cream or something and get the child to like you and then work on the displinary figure.