Own Sister Help

Your sister sounds a lot like my daughter was when she had her first baby. I don't think there is any way to make your sister see things they way you and your mom do. That will (hopefully) come with age and maturity. For the time being, you need to figure out how to help your niece. If your parents are in a position to do so, they should offer to let your niece live with them. They could file for guardianship which is what I did. My granddaughter is extremely happy with us. Even though mom (my daughter) has it together now, my granddaughter still lives with us because as she says "I like to visit mommy, but this is my home. This is where I live."

You cannot make your sister see it the way you do. I suggest that you stop focusing on your sister and find ways to help your niece. Call the school and see if they have a counselor who would be able to talk with your niece.

At my granddaughter's grade school they have a counselor who spends time with kids who need emotional support. At times they have a friendship group during which kids can share and learn ways to help themselves. One thing my granddaughter learned was how to relax with yoga.

Of course there are parenting classes. Most hospitals offer them for this age group from time to time. Google parenting classes in your city, county. The school may know of one. Ask around.

But don't expect your sister to be willing to take one. Give her the information without pressuring her. Present it as a way to make her life better. Emphasize the advantages for your sister. Sounds like she's unable to sympathize with her daughter.

Kudos to your mom for keeping her Friday and Saturday nights. Perhaps you could spell her from time to time? It's important for your nieces well being that your mom continue to do this. Just having one person who accepts a child in a loving way can make a big difference.

My daughter is a good parent to her children but yet I keep my grandson Tuesday nights and my granddaughter Friday nights. Children benefit from the time and attention of a grandparent and parents benefit from the ability to have some time of their own.

If your mom is hesitant to keep her because she feels that her daughter should be spending this time with her own daughter, encourage her to accept that keeping her these two night is the best thing she can do for her granddaughter. You cannot change the mother but you can help to mold the daughter.

Later: Please do not set the teacher up by asking her to talk with the mom. It's not fair to ask the teacher to teach the mom how to care for her child. I suggest talking with the teacher to find out what your mom can do to help your niece. You cannot change your sister. Neither can the teacher.

Is there a way you could have your niece help open your sisters's eyes? Maybe a letter or something that goes, "when you leave me on the weekend, it makes me feel X. When we run around on school nights, I feel Y."

If I was your mom, I would put on my best poker face and tell my daughter: "Sweetie, I feel so sorry for you. Please let me take grand-daughter full-time for awhile so that you can re-charge your batteries."

I would then hope and pray that she lets grand-daughter stay with me forever.

I would not EVER pose it as "my daughter stinks as a mom so I need to take over." That's the quickest route to losing contact. Self-centered people don't like to think of themselves as bad parents, even when they are.

Again, I would always present it as "I feel so sorry for you - please let me help." And then I would be that mom figure. And I would pray that at some point it would become permanent.

I feel so sorry for your niece. :(

Well your niece is ALREADY displaying problems with this lifestyle and inconsistency and non-mothering in her life.

Now... your niece is 8. Just KNOW, that the "Tween" ages is from 9-12 years old. Preteens. This is also a crucial time.... of many developmental changes in a girl. Not to mention, the BIOLOGICAL changes, in a girl too. ie: body odor, getting their periods, changes in social influences/peers etc.
And, she will need to have someone to TALK to about these things and teach her and guide her about it, ALL.
Some girls for example: get their periods at 9 years old.

Google search "Tween Girl Development" and many good articles will come up. Read it. Arm yourself with knowledge about her age stage. So that you can help her in an informed, manner.
And since her Mom, has no idea, about being a Mother.

Maybe, you ALL need to sit down with your Sister and talk to her.
Because, her daughter is ALREADY, getting 'damaged' by it.

AND your Sister, NEEDS a Therapist. And taking her Anxiety meds. AND being RESPONSIBLE. Because, she is not, at all. She is behaving like a child, herself.
And she cannot parent.... competently.
And her judgement on things, is not in the best interest of her child.

Next: my friend is a single parent. And through the "Big Brothers,Big Sisters" organization, she got her son (a Teen) a "Big Brother." It was great and immensely helped her son. They provide mentoring and a ROLE model, for children.
Here is the link and maybe you can find one in your area:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.esJQK5PFJnH/b.1621293/k.BE24/H...

Because... your Niece, NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS, a good role model and someone who WILL, guide her and be someone she can talk to.
Since her Mom, is not that.

Again, your niece, is ALREADY suffering.
And it is best, to help her, BEFORE she is a Tween, and then a Teen.
Or she will have problems... and look for fulfilling herself, externally and with boys and outside the home. Which is really, not good.

Your sister, no offense, sounds really immature. I had my first kid when I was 19... now, I'm the same age as your sister with THREE kids, and I would never act like this!!

1- I don't EXPECT my parents to babysit, and not for free. They rarely watch the kids, and when they do, we exchange favors.

2- She's anxious because her life doesn't seem very stable or organized. Does she have any direction? Did she go to college? Does she have a good job? Who does she live with? etc...

3- It's not fair to your niece that her mom's acting like this (and she's not setting a good example!!). If she blows up and yells, SO WHAT?! Deep down, your sister is paying attention to what you're saying. She's either in denial about it, or needs to learn from her own mistakes. How sad that your niece has to live with this.

4-She's not going to take a parenting class, and suggesting that will probably set her off. Maybe talk to your nieces teacher and see if THEY can do something. Tell them your concerns, and ask them what they can do. Maybe they can sit her down and speak with her, they can say someone anonymously voiced some concerns and they are checking to make sure everything's okay at home. The school will not call CPS or anything unless they feel like it's warranted, which I don't believe it is.

I was an awful teenager... and I've made a huge life change, I just had to learn from my own mistakes. The only difference is I never, EVER made my children pay for my mistakes, THAT'S what your sister needs to open her eyes to. Good luck.

I feel bad for your niece. Can your mom take over some of the parenting? It sounds like your sister needs to grow up and get her priorities straight. I would talk with your mom, maybe you all need to have some kind of intervention with your sis.