How to Tell a Friend That Her 13 or 14 Yr Old Son/daughter Has Had Sex?

I would just be frank with the mother. Ask if you can speak with her about something very important and then explain that you aren't making judgements or assuming anything at all, but if it were you, you would want to know. And then tell her that a rumor is going around school that her daughter and a young man are telling everyone they had sex...then leave it at that. Just tell her that you would want to know and maybe she does know and it may be true or it might just be a rumor. But then tell her that you aren't there to discuss it or make her feel on the spot, but you are there is she needs someone to talk to and then tell her that you will leave her to do what she feels is best.

A face to face would be best though.

Are you friends with the child's parents? If not, I would talk to the school social worker about it and take their advice.

I would leave it alone! I would feel it is not my place to say anything. Would you want to hear from some other mother that your kid was having sex? Denial would come from the child, and there will be an uproar at school as to who told who and your kid will be the one that no one likes because she/he told their parent. Cherish the relationship you have with your child, that they are open and honest- don't jeopardise that with someone elses business.

I agree with Kelli B. In fact I did tell the mom of one of my daughters friends. I waited a few weeks to distance the time frame of when I got the info, then took the mom out for coffee, told her I wanted her advice on something. I basically told her that I had heard a rumor, and was unsure how to proceed. I asked her if she were the kind of mom who would want to know or not. (I pretty much knew the answer already). She said she would want to know, then I told her the rumor was about her own daughter. Then suggested she make an appointment with a an OBGYN, let the doc know ahead of time that she suspects her daughter was active and wanted to make sure she was being careful and wise in her choices. The child was told, you are old enough for this kind of check up now, I made the appointment. The check up is the way to open the discussion. It is important not to be judgmental with the child, because it may close the door on any future discussions. Make sure she knows you are concerned for her, and how poor choices can lead to a life altering consequence. If it is a boy you are referring to the OBGYN angle doesn't really work, but again, I personally would want to know. I saw it as my responsibility as a parent to teach my sons how to treat girls with respect, and they too can be caught up in a life altering consequence. How would that mom feel about being a grandmother???? or worse watching her child fight AIDS. It really does take a village to raise a children, I applaud your willingness to be part of the village. It takes guts to do the right thing.

You should do something about this. It is very likely that it's not even true. I would at least talk to the school counselors and have them appraoch the parents. You don't have to be the one telling them, their child may become extemely mad at your child. My son was in 8th grade when he told me that his friend's brother was taking drugs and he and this friend(who was only in 9th grade) had been counseling younger boy on their own trying to talk him out of taking any more drugs. I didn't even know the mom very well but I went to her while the kids were at school and told her....she and her husband first talked with his older brother to get the full story and then picked up their other son from school and did an intervention. The boy went into counseling and for 6 months he was grounded from friends and his parents also took control of his money. The boy was only in 8th grade. The younger boy was mad at my son when he figured out what had happened, but later, after he had been through the counseling he thanked me and my son for intervening. It takes a village to raise a child!!!! This makes me sick with all these moms saying it's none of your business, keep your nose out of it. Wouldn't you want someone to come and tell you if your child were doing something like having sex or doing drugs or drinking? No wonder the world is the way it is, people not wanting to get involved to help others!!!! You could help this child avoid one of the worst mistakes in their life!!!!

I understand- this is tricky. My girls are still young, but I have worked in schools. How close is your friend? We are all glad you came to us, but-What is your hesitation? Do you know why? Has the subject of teen sex come up in conversations?

There is a chance that the teen was just lying to be cool in front of "friends".

How much unsupervised time does this teen have?

How much time does your teen spend with this teen? Are they girls or boys? Good friends?

If the deed is fact- there is nothing that can be done about it- except to prevent it from happening in the future.

So, just to be on the safe side.
Talk to the school counselor about programs they have.
The teen will most likely deny deny deny if confronted.

If you tell the parents and they talk to teen there will definitely be a backlash- your child could really get into some trouble- kids can be really mean when they find that someone ratted them out. So , be aware. As my husband says: No good deed goes unpunished. There is even a chance that the parents will not appreciate your butting in- and you loose a chance to help this child indirectly.

Maybe you could offer to have outings and sleepovers - or other appropriate activities to lessen the risk of this child being unsupervised. Find some new and old movies- Invite all your teen's friends. Lame? Maybe. Then again, everything to them is lame ...at least at first. Get lots of good treats- they will come. Be a little involved and available- It is good to have your house to be the place to go- you know who is supervising your kid- and you get to know their friends.

How much of a friend is this teen to your child? Can she/he have an influence? Can he/she find out or educate this teen about physical protection and emotional consequences.

Are you or your friends practicing Christians? Ask your spiritual counselor.

What if someone came to you with this information about your daughter/son? The first emotions you would probably feel would be fear shame hurt and anger.
No matter how close you are to your child - it is unlikely they will tell you when they become sexually involved.

Boy- I am not looking forward to this for myself.
Many prayers and Good luck-

No matter how reliable you think the source may be, if you weren't there it is heresay. I would step away from this one and keep it to yourself. Just my two cents.

I cannot stress enough that this is none, I repeat none of your business. What other people's kids are doing has nothing to do with you. Unless of course the other kids actions are harmful to your own child. Your child came to you in confidence and divulged this information to you, do you realize what a privilege it is to have your teen child give you any information let alone something like this. Please take this opportunity to keep the trust between you and your teen. If you go spill the beans your child could feel betrayed and never come to you in confidence like this again. Please, I do not mean to sound mean or hurtful, but stay out of it. Don't approach the parents, don't approach school counselers. You will do nothing but bring more harm to the situation than good. Speaking from personal experience, Parents do not want to hear the "bad" things their kids are doing from other parents. In fact, most parents will go on the defensive and you will then become the bad guy. Not to mention the fact that when people find out that you said something other kids will likely torture your child for telling mommy. Please just keep it to yourself. And feel good that your own child feels comfortable enough to come to you with stuff like this.

I would want to know. It does take a village to raise a child, so let's start acting like it.

Unless the parents are close friends of your stay out of it. Just becasue if the situation was reverse you would want to know doesn't mean they would. If you feel the need to say something to someone go talk to a school counseler and then let them handle the situation.

V.,
If you even kinda know the parents give them a call and mention to them that you heard about some of the kids are having sex and their child's name came up. Then let them take it from there. Also I would take to your own kids about when it comes to sex it is your own beliefs are but really a 13/14 old is really way to young to have sex and all the emotions and consequences of it are. I am talking about STDs and pregnancy. Good Luck! I am dreading finding this stuff out about my own kid ( oldest is 13) but is all part of parenting right.
J.

Approach like a death....tenderly, but straight forward. Then listen and support.

I would stay out of it.I have two teenagers 13 and 15 and there is so much going on sexually already in schools, I would have to call a lot of parents !!!!
Raise your children open and honestly about sex and explain it is not a raise or competition.
It's very said to hear all those stories from my children.

You would need to be incredibly close with the parents to tell them about this. If you barely know the parents then I would stay out. You may lose your child’s trust also if you but in. I think sex is a different story compared to drugs. If it were drugs, then I would take the situation more seriously. Sex is a touchy subject and many people may lie or exaggerate the story. If you really feel the need to tell someone, then I would discreetly talk to the school counselor. I think this is the best opportunity to sit down and talk to your child about the problems that occur with sex at such a young age.

Talk to your child and tell her how concerned you are about the other children. Ask how she would feel if you went to the school counselor? This is a time where you have a chance to teach your child that sometimes doing the right thing is not always easy. No one has to know it was you who told the counselor, it can be done by phone. I always told everyone if they ever saw something that my children were doing that could harm them or someone else to please tell me. I would feel better if I tried to help a child and have the parents upset with me instead of standing by and doing nothing. Put the child first.

I loved the response from Judy R. Sounds like she handled a touchy situation with as much care and tact as possible. I have a 12 year old daughter and I would absolutely want to know. I do agree with other posters that some parents don't want to hear anything "bad" or concerning about their kids, but unless you know for sure that these parents wouldn't want to know, then do talk with them.

V.-
If this were your child, would you want to know?

I know that I would. Of course, it does depend on how close you are with the parents of the children in question. If you aren't, and don't ordinarily discuss your kids, then I'd probably go the school counselor route. As for "butting out"? I go back to asking yourself how you would feel if it were your child. Sometimes there are more reasons than just biology for why kids are sexually active at such a young age.
Good luck!

I was a middle school teacher before becoming a M.. This is happening way too much. I just don't even want to think of what kids will be doing in 10 years ehrn my son is 12.

I really don't think you should call the parents. I think you should talk to the school counselors about this situation- it is a very viable sitaution. I read a crazy statistic that 1/4 teens will contract an STD! Not to mention, the recent pregnancy trend. The counselors will take care of this with the parents. I really think the school nurse should be involved for education.

As a teacher, I often came across situations like this- I don't have the mental health training to talk to parents about emotional issues...I always referred to the counselors and followed up to make sure it was taken care of...

This is a really touchy situation...it is great that your child is comfortable enough to talk to you about this!! You must have a very good relationship- that is so important during the MS years. I hope that I can have that with my son.

Wow, that would be hard news to take. Despite the fact that you are legitimately concerned, I would not approach the other mom. You said it's from a "good source", but what if it isn't true? That would be a devastating situation. It's sad, but this information has to come from the student to his/her mom. You're right to be concerned, but I think it's not your place to get involved. I do agree with the other mom that said take advantage of this situation and talk to you own child. Hopefully someone can learn from these mistakes. Good luck!

I am so surprised at the responses that said to stay out of it. Good for you for being concerned and wanting to do something. Maybe if we all as parents had eachother's back on these things there wouldn't be so much sex or issues like this! That's not a reason to stay out of it, we don't just turn our backs! Wow, go with your gut, like some of the recent posts said, wouldn't you want to know?

Ditto Julie's response. Unless you are REALLY good friends with the parents, I would seek the advise of the counselors. Minimally, you really are acting on your child's concern and will be given advise on how to proceed, especially if you have no idea how a parent is going to accept that news. Now.... if this were my teen's good friend and I knew the parent well???? Totally different scenario!

I have a young teen and a tween. It really is scary what you hear kids do in Jr. High. It's great your child talks to you about this. In instances like this, I often turn this into a life lesson and ask my child "what would you do with this information, given this information"? Sometimes those answers are wise beyond their years!

There are no "good sources".Stay out of it,especially since it does not involve you or your family.

I don't think that it is your place to tell the parent at all. It is a good opportunity to talk to your child about not having sex and all that goes along with it, but you shouldn't interfer with something that doesn't concern you. When this child that you are trying to tattle on finds out that it was you who told your children are going to pay the price for it. If it isn't hurting you or your children butt out!

Sorry to sound harsh but I wouldn't want to hear this from another parent or even a friend.

Do you know the parents well? If not, then stay out of it
Yes, I understand that you are concerned that a child that young is having sex but honestly it isn't your place to say something.

At the same time, this is a GREAT opportunity to talk to your children about sex and sex readiness. Ask your daughter what she thinks about that girl's decision, what she thinks is important to have in a relationship before having sex, and stress that she can come to you at any time for any reason to talk to you about sex.

This would be a good opportunity for you to have a good long talk with your child about sex and everything that goes along with it. I would not contact the other parent as it would and can lead to many problems. Perhaps contacting the school counselor to tell them that you have heard of students having sex (without giving names) and they can give a talk. Remember to remind you child how important it is to choose their friends wisely. To be a leader and not a follower. Sex is not cool when you are a teen.