Overwhelmed - San Francisco,CA

First, your mother has no obligation whatsoever to help. She has raised her kids and expecting her to donate 1-2 days a week is a huge imposition.

You husband has no obligation to HELP you. He does have an obligation to SHARE 50:50 in the family. That means doing 1/2 of the chores needed to keep the household running and 1/2 of the work that having a child entails.

You need to have a serious discussion with DH (not when you are angry) about how you are going to split the work in the future. It is of course better to have had this discussion prior to having had a child but we cannot go back in time. I would make a list of what work you (and he) do around the house (cooking, laundry, vacuuming, scheduling (this one is very important), yard work, taking care of the cars, etc, helping with homework). You then need to decide how to divvy this up.

You don't need to each do 1/2 of each thing but the total amount of work needs to be fair. For example, I don't mind laundry but I HATE to empty the dishwasher. We both cook and clean after meals. He/she who cooks doesn't have to clean up. We outsource (cleaning lady) the vacuuming and bathrooms.

If you quit your job, it will not get any better. You will now have 'no excuse' in his mind for not being a perfect homemaker and it certainly sounds like you will get even less respect. Plus you will lose the adult interaction you have with people who see you as a person in your own right, not solely as a mother or housewife.

If you are actually afraid of him and he refuses to pitch in, I would seriously consider divorce. And again, quitting your job will isolate you further with a man you are afraid of.

Welcome to mamapedia, A.!!

You're mad at the wrong person. Your husband is an a$$. Sorry. But really? If my husband couldn't take time off work for HIS child?? I would be LIVID...and then to boss me around?? Sorry...we're a partnership, not a dictatorship.

If you are afraid of your husband? You need counseling. You need to have an exit plan in place as well.

Why are you mad at your mom? Why is HER responsibility to care for her grandson? You really need to be MAD at your husband. Stand up for yourself. If you can't do that?? I've already said counseling. You need to find your voice to your husband. You can complain to everyone else, but we are not the problem. Your husband is. He NEEDS to hear your words.

Good luck!

A., you make me sad. this is a sad, sad post.
first off, it's not your mom's job to come stay with her grandson. i wish she would take him to HER house so he can get a break from the clearly oppressive atmosphere of his home, but i totally get why she doesn't want to come there.
your husband sounds like a nightmare. no one should live with a 'partner' who doesn't contribute but mostly of whom one is frightened.
quitting your job might get you some breathing room, but then you'll have financial fears, and i can pretty much guarantee that your scary husband will become ten times as terrifying when you are completely at his mercy 100%.
going it alone might be lonesome and scary, but how could it be worse than the dreariness you're living now?
and this is what your 4 year old is experiencing and learning as 'normal.' is that what you want?
i think you need to quit, but not your job.
good luck.
khairete
S.

Sweetie you aren't mad at Mom you are mad at your husband but you are afraid to show it.

Not your Mom's responsibility to take time off to care for YOUR child. That is up to you and hubby.

I am suggesting counseling ASAP. For you and marriage counseling for you and your hubby.

DO NOT quit your job. I suspect you are going to be needing that when you start pushing back with him, which is what you need to do under the guidance of counseling.

I would do what you can and when he starts complaining I would say "hey, you have two arms and two legs, you help" and turn around and walk away. Don't engage in a fight just walk away. Don't listen to the nasty things he says. Remember, state your issue and then walk way.

Good luck!

The big red flag here is that you are sometimes afraid of your husband. What is he getting so angry about that you are afraid? It sounds like he is abusive.

Rather than quit your job, perhaps you should think in terms of if you want to stay in a marriage that makes you afraid of your spouse. Since he considers you to be his maid and thinks you should wait on him and the kids hand and foot, I don't know why you need him anyway.

You need a good divorce lawyer to sit down with you and talk about your options. Instead of feeling like YOU'RE the failure, you should think about your husband being the failure. For heaven's sake, why would you think YOU are the failure. You're not laying about. He is. And he will never take responsibility for anything in the home if you quit your job. He'll just ratchet up the criticism. He tries to make you feel guilty if you take a break with a friend because that is how he controls you. He makes you feel "down" so that he can continue to make you do what he wants.

Get over this, A.. If he is making you afraid, you shouldn't be with him. Go to a lawyer and get some real advice and understanding. You should also consider getting some counseling to help you figure out why you would live with a man like this.

Well it's not your mom's job to help with her grandchild. Sure, it would be nice if she did, but it's really not her responsibility, so stop expecting anything from her.
Your husband? He doesn't sound like a husband OR a father, at all. You may as well take your son and go. You'd still be doing everything on your own but at least you wouldn't have your husband's abusive comments and behavior to deal with anymore, and your son won't growing up thinking that's how men treat women.
In the meantime get a sitter and go out with your friends, even if it's just once a week or every other week for a few hours. You need a break, and some companionship, so just do it!

"I feel used and lonely. Sometimes he gets really angry and I am afraid of him."

Those two sentences are the heart of this post. You are not just the typical overwhelmed mom taking care of a sick child while balancing work. You are a a scared wife who does not have a partner in her marriage or in raising the child you created together.

I know you would love some emotional and physical support from your mom. But it is not her responsibility to take days off of work to take care of your sick child. She has to work as well no matter how close she is to retirement. It should be you and your husband sharing the sick days.

Keep working hun because you might find yourself on your own soon and supporting your son when you realize you are in a very sad situation and not in a healthy relationship. Your job is the least of your problems.

Please talk to a marriage counselor, pastor, or woman's crisis counselor. You did not pick a good marriage partner/father for your child. You can talk til you are blue in the face to your husband. As you said, he doesn't get it and gets mad. Him having chip in more will require him to be a supportive husband and father. He is not willing to do that. I am soooo sorry!

Life CAN and should be better and brighter than this. Please don't continue living like this. Your son deserves better so he doesn't continue this cycle when he is grown.

You feel like a failure because you're buying into your husband's false sense of what you should be doing. Trust me, YOU are not the one failing in this marriage. You do everything. Exactly WHAT do you need HIM for, anyway? Please understand that what you have is NOT normal and NOT healthy. And you are *certainly* not a failure. You've gotten some really good advice from the previous posters. I just wanted to throw in my two cents and agree with them. You are a ROCK STAR for pulling this off for so long. It's time for a change. At this point, YOU are more valuable to this marriage than HE is. Know your worth.

You do realize you allow your husband to treat you like this right???

You have to stop rescuing him. Find something to go do in the evenings. Work some overtime, go take a class, go shopping with some friends, go away from home and teach him to fend for himself.

Tell him you want more help around the house and if he can't do it then he needs to hire someone to help because you are NOT his servant.

You need to stop cleaning up after him and leave the messes. Tell him he needs to take off work with sick kiddo because you have a deadline you can't miss. Tell the school to call him when kiddo is sick. Then when they call you at work don't answer it.

This is his child too and he has no responsibility what so ever. You have taught him this is okay with you. You have made yourself his crutch.

To stop it you need to find reasons to be out of the house so he will have to stand up and pay attention.

What if something happened to you? He's remarry in a month because he would be hungry and not know how to fix a meal.

A.,

I can't add more to the good advice you've already received, but I do want to add my support. It is very sad that you feel so isolated and alone, but you must take steps now to change that.

Please seek counseling for yourself and do not under any circumstances allow him to try and keep you from counseling. Get in touch with your primary care for referrals today.

Seriously, don't put this off. Get some help for yourself and for the sake and well-being of your son.

Sending you thoughts of support long-distance.

J. F.

Hi A.,

I agree with the previous posts. My first question is was he like this prior to becoming a father? prior to becoming a husband? think it over carefully, future behavior is predicated on relevant past behavior and, while counseling may be of some use, i am dubious that significant or lasting change is a reasonable expectation.

don't make a move until you're absolutely sure but also don't wait so long that he's got you so beaten down you're paralyzed to affect a change.

DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB. you're going to need the income to pay the lawyer...thoughts to you and your little one. S.

Don't be a push over. Stand up for yourself. I would never allow anyone to push me down and degrade and order me around like a servant. You need to talk to someone and seek counseling for your lack of self esteem and confidence. Then I would consider family counseling to give you a safe outlet to express yourself to your husband. He shouldn't be allowed to treat you this way. A marriage is a partnership. You shouldn't be doing everything by yourself. I also wouldn't expect your mother to be a babysitter.

Focus on yourself and what you need to do to fix it.

Your mom raised her child(ren). She didn't choose to have another set of youngsters.
Family therapy. Now.

So it sounds like you are a single mother. Your husband needs serious help and you need to push back. I wish my husband would sit on his rear and tell me what to do - oh the fight that would come from that. Heck no. We work together to take care of the house and kids, it's a team. If we don't work together, nothing gets done. Plain and simple.

My parents both still work and I wish they were able to help more, but you know what? It's not their job. They have their own lives, they have worked long and hard to have what they have...not to babysit for me. If you or your husband have to take leave, so be it. If it has to be you 100% of the time doing everything, leave him.

I hope your little one feels better soon, and you find what you need to fix the situation with your husband.

My husband wasn't this bad nor was he bossy of me but I plenty of times felt like everything was on me too. It's sad and frustrating. Best advice I got was to do what I need to do to take care of myself. That likely means hiring people. That might get his attention. Being afraid of him is pretty key though. You think he'll hit you or just yell? Or leave? Some men are just kind of thick and don't get it and hiring help can work in those situations bc the men don't really mean to be mean. If yours does, you need to start looking at this as a longer term problem. It won't go away when your kids are older and you need less help. So two different issues I think. Do you ever lose it with him btw? You may start to need to make some ultimatums. But you are not a failure. This isn't fair and short term hiring help may solve some of it and let you catch your breath. Long term you need to figure out what kind of guy he really is. I also had no family to help me but I did have a nanny. Maybe you should hire one too... Good luck and hang in there.

I feel your pain. My husband doesn't help much around the house or with our son. He picks him up every day after work, but 4 out of 5 days, they are walking in the door right before I get home. Once I'm home, dad goes to the couch and watches tv and plays on his Ipad until dinner is done, which he even brings the Ipad with to the table. Once he's finished, it's back to the couch. I do everything inside the home, he will mow and shovel the snow. He gets upset that my son only wants his mommy most of the time. Most nights, I don't sit down until I'm crawling into bed. I don't want to deal with the arguments because my hubby has a way of turning things to make it seem like it's my fault. He would like me to quit my job and stay home with our son. Although that sounds really nice, work is almost like my escape. I hope it gets better for you! I'm thinking of you.