Can He REALLY Expect This of Me?!??

And I would ask why, if those things are so important to him to be done in a "timely" manner, he is not doing them himself.

End of discussion.

Dear M.'s husband - why don't you pick up the orange juice? If the kid's closet bothers to so much, why haven't you organized it?

He has no right to demand of you anything that he is not willing to do with his own hands and on his own time. If he isn't going to help out that the only words he should be saying is Thank You and You Look Pretty. ;-)

You CAN'T do it all. And anyone who tells you that you can is lying , delusional or mean.

Go away for the weekend and leave him with both kids. When you come back have a talk about division of labor. Then, decide what YOU will do, what HE will do and what you will hire out to be done.

You might want to start looking for a counselor. You're probay going to need one.

Good God, your husband needs a Midol, what a nag.

Enjoy your kids when they're little. The closets can wait.

:)

Every single time he says "Why don't you..." you need to answer him "YOU DO IT." Don't justify anything to him period. Just keep saying "YOU DO IT." Eventually he will get SO tired of you saying that back to him that he will stop saying it.

Everytime you give him a reason or an answer to his question, you are egging him on. Instead, put it back onto him every single time. Ignore everything else. It should be your only phrase.

Btw, you should not ever touch his closet. If he wants his damn closet organized, he can do it himself.

I am flabbergasted that any poster on here thinks that you should do everything you listed here. Absolutely flabbergasted. Remind yourself that anyone who thinks you should does NOT live in your house.

The reason you stay home (I assume) is to PLAY WITH THE KIDS (and of course feed, clothe and otherwise care for them). Otherwise, you really could be working outside the home and bringing home a paycheck. With that, you could then outsource the cleaning, book keeping, etc. You have chosen not to outsource the childcare. So that IS the PRIORITY. You will have failed if you choose organizing the closets over spending the time with your kids. The closets will always be there, the children will grow up.

Honestly?
Yes, I took care of three little ones while my husband worked full time.
I did all the household stuff, cooked, cleaned, paid bills, etc.
We usually had a few hours a night for just us, from like 9 PM until 11 or so, until someone woke to nurse or whatever.
BUT...
I didn't "play" with my kids during the day, I got stuff done. I engaged my children for sure (talking, singing, etc.) even breastfed until they were almost two, but I was NEVER there to entertain them. They developed quite well on their own and with each other as playmates.
I got away to grocery shop and work out a few nights a week, leaving them with daddy.
Does your husband give YOU this kind of break? That makes all the difference in the world.
The only way to "do it all" is to 1) have reasonable expectations of what you "should" be doing with your kids and 2) have a husband who gives you the freedom to escape when you need to, WITHOUT GUILT.

When my DH thought I wasn't doing "enough" in a day, I wrote it all down. He said he didn't like receiving a report like he was a boss. I said, "So how do you think I feel?" I had included all the diapers, all the child care, all the cat puke and all of his own phone calls. He didn't realize that he called so much. "And every time you call, I need to put down what I'm doing so I'd like you to appreciate all those interruptions to my day - on top of working PT, making sure our toddler doesn't go feral and getting a load of dishes done." We now use email unless it is time sensitive.

If organization is important to HIM, then he either 1. needs to do it himself or 2. take on something else so that you can do it. Like laundry so you are not folding some at 11PM at night. I think he needs a clue that you are not just eating bonbons all day. I would turn it around and ask him, "Why didn't you do the weeding? Why don't you get online during your lunch break? Why don't you help me fold the 5 loads of laundry I did so you have clean underwear? Why don't you pick up the food on the way home from work so I don't have to pack up two kids and do it when it's on your way?" Etc.

Truth is, you can't do it ALL. You prioritize. And weeding and organizing closets is way on the bottom of my list after kid care, pet care, keeping the house from looking like an episode of Hoarders...some things never get done. Some things get done long after you intend to do them and some things you hire out or delegate. It is worth it to us to pay a lawn service to come 2x a month to mow the lawn, for example. When my DH was a single dad, he used PeaPod a lot. Ordered during his lunch break for a delivery after he got home later in the week. You can now also order groceries, tell them a 1 hr window, and swing by on your way past the store to pick it up.

If he wants to "hang out", then tell him what you need him to do so that you have the real time to spend with him, and not feel like you want to stab him in the eye. Has he ever had to take a day and really try to do all he thinks you should be able to do? My guess is no. Might be an eye opener to him.

He's not just a boss who can assign you tasks. He's your husband and partner. Time for a company meeting, IMO.

Is he off his OCD meds? Because NO ONE, NO ONE, treats their wife like that and lives to tell the tale.

He should be helping you. Next time he starts going off stand up and turn your hiney towards him and tell him to kiss you A** then walk off. If he wants all that stuff done he has 2 hands, he can go do it himself if it's that important to him.

Oh honey, I think one time or another every husband has said bone head things like this. Mine did. I wrote out what I did and handed it to him. I also included what it would cost to outsource those. At the end, my salary should have been $170,000! I told him "I don't work for you and if I did, you couldn't afford me".

I also left for a long weekend and he was shocked as to how time consuming two kids were. He never said another thing.

Closets to me are way down on the priority list. If I fed, clothed and kept your kids alive for another day, I had a successful day! =) Bonus if I got a shower!!!!

I got the kids involved in cleaning. I had certain days that I did laundry, changed the beds. I don't know if I ever cleaned out a closet!!!!

You need to have a "staff" meeting with hubby. He needs a dose of reality. For the record, that list is ridiculous and I would love to know what chores he contributes to the household.

What's wrong with you? LOL
I think what mamazita said is key - she did all that but didn't play with the kids. My house was always messier than I'd like - not unhealthy, just "lived in," and I played with the kids. Lots. And I'm really glad that I did. My mother in law (who is a slob) always said to me "you can vacuum when they grow up." I won't take it that far - I don't need toddlers eating cat fur - but it's true. I'd rather enjoy this fleeting time with them - now that they're both preteens, I regret not one moment of it - well, that's not true. I regret the times I tried to fit that mold and stressed over making things look perfect to the outside world. Those were the times I got frustrated with the kids for making a mess or distracting me from my "work." THEY are my work - my greatest work - and yep, kids who aren't played with will turn out fine. But I wouldn't have, and we still prefer to spend time with each other.

He needs to start doing his part around the house. Just because you stay home does not mean 100% of the house and kids falls on you, your main job it taking care of the kids, not cleaning the house or organizing. Those types of chores should still be split between the two of you.

You are not failing. Your husband has failed you.You should talk to him about his unrealistic expectations and what he is going to do to help you out.

At the end of the day and he still expects you do all and more, tell him you're going to HIRE help and he's going to pay for it. You need to stand up for yourself because no one will do it for you.

And your kids don't play well by themselves because you haven't let them figure it out.

Good luck.

Sorry but I thought slavery was abolished.

The way this is written makes it sound like he isn't responsible for anything in the household other than following you around pointing out what you haven't done.

To me, this all comes down to priorities. Apparently his priorities are different than yours. You need to come to a meeting of the minds.

Apparently my husband and I mesh... he isn't concerned with what I did or did not accomplish. Having every nook and cranny cleaned is not my priority, never has and never will be.

Quit.

If you can safely take a mini-vacation over a weekend, then do it. Write down all the things he wants you to do, plus all the things that need to be done. Tell him if he wants them done to do them himself and go away. Friday night to Sunday night, book a room, a spa day and just go.

If you can do this and make it known that the next time he gets on to you that your mini-vacation will be even longer.

Also a saying in my own home, "You're arms and legs ain't broke!". Basically, "Get off your aft and do it yourself if it's so bloody important and bothering you."

You are not failing, his expectations are too high. Tell him to do all that he is expecting of you, in addition to his 9-5 job. Remind him your job is 24/7, you don't get paid vacations or sick pay.

Other ladies here will have better advice on how to deal with it. I just want you to know that he expects WAY too much of you, and you need to nip this in the bud before his expectations get to be too imposing.

That said, spending time with your husband IS important. But maybe remind him that he can't have Super-Mommy-Housewife AND Super Wife-Who-Tends-to-Your-Every-Need. He gets who he married, and his job is to make you happy, too. There needs to be a better balance. Maybe you two need some vacation time alone without kids. I know it helps us (when we get the chance) immensely.

I hope you're going to print these responses out for him (or make him read then online, at least, considering it's Earth Day!)
BTW, did you finish knitting the blanket from the bread bag toes you've been saving all year? Lol)
So, Megans Husband, let me ask YOU a question. How many hours per week to YOU work. I hope you didn't answer 40-50, because if you did, M.'s answer to all if your inquiries should be: You do it!
Do you pass a store on the way home? Great. Stop & get some groceries once a week. And pick up a cliquey of flowers for M. while you're there. Because, guess what? She's doing the hardest job you'll NEVER know.
Try doing your "job" with two pint sized human beings chiming in with wants, hunger, dirty diapers, cranky crying or *GASP* some playtime!
Have you ever gotten two kids to nap at almost the same time? Didn't think so.
M.--do yourself a favor...book a weekend somewhere and I'm sure when you get home on Sunday night, your house wil be de cluttered, closets organized and offices streamlined, and your kids will be well fed, bathed and happily sleeping.
Yep--that 48 hours should shut him up.

Get on the computer and plan a vacation. Just for you. Leave him with the kids for a few days, then see if his list of expectations is so long after that.

Yes - my life was like this, but I was the only one making money, too. We're now divorced and it's amazing how much more time I have.

Sounds like pretty normal stay at home mom stuff. Maybe he IS being a jerk about it but I'm not sure why you're so exhausted and overwhelmed. Is your health good? Maybe you simply have too much stuff? People get so caught up in holding onto everything that they end up unable to manage it all.
Or maybe being a full time stay at home mom is just not for you. There's nothing wrong with that! Not everyone's cracked up to do it. Perhaps going back to work and splitting the household chores would be better for your family, and marriage. It's something to think about.

Of course he "can" expect this of you, he is right now. However to attempt to do it all and feel that you should is unreasonable. I suspect that even if you were superhuman and did it all, he would just add to his demands. He is never going to be happy by demanding that you do everything. What do you demand of him at home? Are your expectations being met? His behavior is emotionally abusive.

I think you need to talk to a counselor to figure out what you want out of life and how to get it. To help you deal with a man who seems to have no concept of how to treat a wife.

When ever my DH even hinted that I should do more, I took a vacation and left him home with the kids. It only took 1/2 of a day before he was awed by what I did do. Can you trust him with the children to do that?

Take care of yourself in figuring your marriage out.

I'm with the other moms who are giving you honest options and saying I do all of that too - plus I work full-time. My kids are in 1st, 3rd, and 5th grades and are all very active outside of school. The difference between me and you? My husband helps me. He doesn't expect anything to be done, but is pleasantly surprised when it is.

I handle the household chores (letting him know when I need help and with what), I pay the bills, schedule the car maintenance, get the kids to the doctor when needed, make sure insurnaces are up to date, register the kids for activities, find the babysitters, plan the family vacations and long weekends, etc. But I think if he ever told me I didn't do enough or questioned my priority list in a demeaning way, I'd let him have it.

He can expect it. That doesn't he'll get it. His expectations are unreasonable. Have you told him that calmly without getting pulled into an argument? Know you are correct. You cannot do all of that. You, also cannot convince him. Stop fighting him. Be assertive. Tell him once that you cannot do what he's asking and then ignore him. You don't, in reality, have the time and energy to take care of his needs because he is not even listening to you let alone doing his part in taking care of yours.

If he doesn't come around you will have strengthened yourself and will either be able to ignore his complaints and make adjustments for yourself and be aboe to stay in the marriage or get out.

I would tell him this in a calm and direct way. Then I would work on letting go of you expecting him to understand. Withdraw emotionally. Find ways to take care of yourself. Leave some of the time when he's home to do things you enjoy. Find your inner self who can find ways of managing so that you are happy with what you do. Leaving for a weekend is great advice.

This sounds drastic and I found it very hard to do. After several years of being unhappy and trying to do it I finally managed to find happiness by easing out of my marriage. I could do this because we were in counseling. I first was angry. Often it takes anger for us to build the courage to take action.

I urge you to start with counseling so that you know he's being unreasonable and that you don't have to defend yourself to him or yourself. You cannot change him. Sometimes when we change ourselves the other person begins to change. Perhaps when he sees counseling helping you feel better about yourself he will agree to counseling.

If

You guys should make a list--together--of what needs to be done. It might be easy to organize the list into daily, weekly, and occasional (like cleaning out closets). Then, divide the list evenly. You can even be nice and let your hubby pick the things he wants/can do and you'll take the other half.

Good luck! He sounds like an a$$hole! I am a SAHM and definitely do more than my fair share, but hubby does a lot. And, he does it without complaining or asking what he needs to do. He notices the dishwasher is clean--he empties it. He notices laundry is folded--he puts it away. He cleans up dishes from dinner, bathes kids, mows yard, washes cars, changes sheets, wipes down counter tops, mops floor, and he calls every day on his way home to see if he needs to pick anything up before he comes home.

He doesn't dust or do bathrooms. He also doesn't clean out closets, but I would prefer to do that myself anyway. Most of all, he's appreciative of how hard I work.

I know you are working your butt off! Keep up the good work:)

I would tell him that I'm feeling very attacked and judged, and that it's hard to listen with an open heart when I'm in that frame of mind (because I'm in flight or flight mode).

What if you started needling him every day about how much money he makes and why he doesn't make more? I'd like a new house. A new Cadillac Escalade. A housekeeper. A part-time nanny. And if only my husband made more I'd have these things (being facetious here).

Somehow I don't think he'd appreciate that.

You are in a VERY tough phase with your little ones. I remember feeling so flustered and behind during those years. You have almost no control over your schedule some days. It will pass though.

In the meantime I'd try to get him to back off with the criticism and negative energy. And if he won't listen with an open heart to your needs and feelings, then I would get to marriage counseling ASAP. This type of energy can create a lot of anger and resentment which is not good for your marriage.

Good luck. Hugs to you - hang in there.

I havent read any of the other responses but my first thought was to book a weekend in the very near future where you are either out of the house or you completely go on strike. He is to do EVERYTHING and then have a meeting sunday night to see how he feels about your lack of work being done in a day. He sounds a bit nuts and in need of a reality check
Good luck

Ummmm, and what is Mr. Wonderful doing that prevents him from lifting a hand to help you?

My husband truly has NO time to help with anything because of the nature of his job(s). He does expect everything to get done, but has had to accept that I have limits and can't do it all. He has no problem with me hiring help whenever I need it. Lawncare has been outsourced--taxes done by a CPA for the past 3 years--sometimes I have groceries delivered--we found 1 really reliable handman/jack-of-all-trades to get our massive "Honey Do" list accomplished--I can hire a babysitter when I need to, etc. Actually, just last week we discussed hiring a PT personal assistant for him because his workload just keeps getting more and more complex, between 3 employers and various independent contractor roles.

Something's gotta give--if he's not going to help you, himself, then he needs to allocate some funds to hire help.

ETA: I am so glad to hear that he DOES help! That makes a world of difference that he's participating in the household tasks, and it looks like you have a good plan of attack to work together on it. Good luck!

Hang in there, M.!
If it were me, I'd pick ONE thing from the list for each weekend and ask him if he could watch the kids and get a couple housework items done while you work on a closet or organizing clothing or whatever is hot and burning on that "why don't you have time for" list of his.

I don't think he gets it. That two children of this age make it very difficult to get things done unless you have a nanny or a tv on all day. I did this for YEARS as a nanny, by the way, and know that juggling any 'extra' other than day to day "have clean dishes, have clean clothes, eat decent food" maintenance takes some prior planning, so include him. Each weekend, ask him "what's most important on this list and when do you want to make time for me to do it?" and have him include himself in the solution.

There are several different issues here.

First, yes, he's expecting too much with young children in the house...at least, too much to do this week, for example

BUT (and I'm so sorry...normally I'd just bite a head right off but I can tell you are hurting...so I'll be kind...) he should expect you to do all the things listed above in an orderly manner.

It sort of sounds like amongst the turmoil of two hyper young children, and believe me, I understand - you have gotten WAY behind. Life's chores only take me about an hour of my day, but that's because I dedicate that hour every day to keeping up on those things. That doesn't include dailies, like laundry, washing dishes, etc - those things happen AS you're living day to day, and you just kind of have to multitask them in. I fold while I'm playing with my kids on the floor, I wash dishes while I'm cooking the next meal, etc.

You need to get your kids to a babysitter or something for a good eight hours, for 3-5 days - JUST THIS ONE TIME, mind you, I'm not talking about permanently - and get caught up.

Make a list - a pretty list! - of everything big and little thing under the sun that has to be done. I make a list similar to this every single week. Start with something easy and you will feel so good everytime you get to scribble one out.

Get some good music, or a TV show you like on marathon, and GET TO WORK! With the kids out of the house, you can get caught up.

Then, going forward, you really need to dedicate time to keeping up your house and daily life business EVERY DAY. That's not to say there are some days where just nothing gets done (it happens) but those days need to be, more or less, "sick days" and not "every other" days.

If you want a copy of the weekly planner I use - I print one out each week and it's the BEST format I've found for staying on track - pm me and I think I can scan and email it to you.

Maybe you could surprise your husband. Don't tell him what you're doing, but get it all done this week and then next week when he asks, say, "Oh, this closet?" and show him, or "Oh, this policy?" and whip out the paper, or whatever it is.

Also, you need to delegate SOMETHING to him. I am mostly a stay at home mom - I teach a few classes a week and give piano lessons, I have a paper route - but my kids come with me for all of those (sigh) so I know what it's like. Sit down with your husband, talk about a plan, tell him you're going to get caught up and stay caught up (or have this conversation AFTER your caught up) and be honest with him, that he needs to pick a few of these things to be HIS responsibility.

My advice there is to prepare a very short list of things you absolutely hate to do and that you know he CAN do, and tell him to pick three of them, or what have you. He doesn't get to come home and just quit. We're ALWAYS at home and have things to do...and we can't quit! It sounds like maybe you got overloading and are "quitting" a bit, but you can overcome this!!!

(One suggestion - unless you love grocery shopping, have one of the things he does is stop by the store twice a week on his way home from work and pick up a list that YOU give him that morning, say with no more than 4 to 6 things. Saves time and gas.)

Show him this video - World's Toughest Job - it's great!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/14/mom-worlds-tough...

You didn't mention if your husband does anything to help. Does he work really long hours, does he have time to help? Or does he just relax every day after work.

If you can afford it, get a house cleaner twice a month to help with some cleaning. I would literally go mad if my husband nagged me about all that - no wonder you are on the computer instead of spending time with him. And I get some level of expectation that certain things get done - but the kids closets being organized? Most husbands don't care about that kind of stuff, especially if they aren't the ones dressing the kids everyday. Sounds like he is OCD on top of being a jerk

First of all, you are not failing. You all have clean clothes, and I assume you ate dinner before sending the kids off to bed. I also assume they are clean (bathed in the last 48 hours)... right? Husband is being ridiculous. But it isn't his fault. So try not to be angry with him... he just doesn't understand how time consuming and mentally exhausting it is to keep up with a 20 month old all day, plus a 3 yr old (when not at preschool--which is most of the time).

He just doesn't understand it. It isn't his fault he doesn't understand it though... right? When was the last time you went off BY YOURSELF? How about by yourself for more than 3 hours? What about by yourself for more than 6 hours? NOW... during those times (if any of them actually exist)... was HE by himself watching both your kids during that time?

There is the solution to your problem. Your problem isn't that you are failing... it is that your husband doesn't understand why his expectations are out of whack. And they are over the top for this time period in your children's lives. They really are.
So.. figure out a time when you can leave dear husband BY HIMSELF with both of your kiddos for 12 -24 hours. Go visit mom. Have a girls day/night out. Let husband chase the kids around the entire day, go to the grocery store, do yardwork, the laundry, and plan and prepare lunch and dinner, AND put the kids in bed after giving them baths.
Then, rinse and repeat as necessary. For some men, it takes more than once... and for most moms, it improves your level of sanity if you do this on a regular basis. For some that means once a month, for some once every 3 months. For some even every 6 months. It can be hard to plan.
And every time it doesn't have to be overnight, or 12 hours. As long as Dad has to plan and prepare a meal, put the kids in bed AND has them while they are awake at least 3-4 hours... it should help him keep his perspective more realistic.

Good luck.
--
Oh... and after the first time you leave the kids with him alone... when you get home, be sure to ask him if he got the closets cleaned out and all the research for your upcoming vacation done. :D

Well I would love to say he is asking for the impossible but he really isn't and your angst makes me think you wish you could get organized. I did all that and more when I was a stay at home. The key is not a shiny cape, the key is not trying to do it overnight.

Pick one thing and make it your hill to die on! Have the cleanest kitchen sink in the world!! Doesn't matter how small but pick something. When you got that down cold add to it. After a while you will be super woman and wonder why you felt it was so hard.

Another thing, drag your kids into the fun but not in a frustrating way. Cleaning the kitchen and you see 1 of 3's toy. Hey! 1 of 3! put this away in your.....and get 2 of 3 because she has stuff to grab too! Simple things that teach them it is easier to just put it away than have you call them. Oh what I meant by frustrating is it amazes me when someone calls their kids in, grab your stuff and put it away. Yeah, that never works and you end up hating your kids, not literally.

Baby steps. I think we have all been where you are at.

Oh yeah and tell him his nagging actually has the opposite effect.

I hope your husband found that therapist you asked about a while back because his stress is now causing you major stress. You guys are a team and I sure hope he is taking on half of this list himself! This is crazy!

I can't say my house was the most organized when the kids were little, but I got through it. There really is a lot to do to run a household, and it is hard with little kids. Have you tried asking your husband to take the kids out to a weekend activity for a few hours each weekend so you can tackle a big job?

Your list of 'should do's' is exhausting and overwhelming when read all at once.

Yes, you should be able to juggle some of these things.

My recommendation is that you check out some organizing sites like FlyLady. And go into it with an open mind that you are the boss and it's up to you to role model competent behavior to your children.

There are only so many hours in the day that all mothers have. If you plan your day and prioritize your tasks you can learn to stay on top of these things.

But you cannot overwhelm yourself with doing it all in a short period. Get a notebook and a calendar and brainstorm every item that needs / wants to be done. Check your calendar every day. Keep both with you when you out running errands / going to the dentist, etc.

You can learn to be 10 minutes early just as you have allowed yourself to be late to appointments. Yes last minute emergencies pop up all the time for everyone. So don't overpack your day, but don't let things pile up that you feel on overload.

I make lists all the time, then prioritize the list, and work on the top 3 things each week. At the end of the week I have those 3 things accomplished, and checked off, and the next week I start fresh. And when I complete one big item, I would recommend you reward the kids with a trip to the park or ice cream store. After a trip to Home Depot or the Dentist and the park the kids should settle down for a nap or quiet time or TV and you can start a load of laundry, have a cup of tea, plan dinner.

And M., be very clear and very firm that the above schedule is all you can handle with such sweet, small, physically demanding little one's. If he wants more done, he will have to pick up the slack. And start making a personal copy of the To Do list for him too. Or txt to him.

I don't think being exasperated all day long is healthy for you, your kids or your marriage.

An then Meagan, you need to be very firm and very clear that the above schedule is all you are capable of managing with such sweet, small, darling, physically active little ones. And you are more then willing to make him a personal copy of the To Do list for him and he can pick up the slack where he sees fit. Or txt it to him.

My brother in law is a fantastic organizer. Once he and his wife figured that out he became responsible for the organization of the closets, pantry, kids clothes, etc. Once he was in charge it got done and done the way he wanted it. Problem solved.

We all have skills better than our spouse. The one with the best skills should have that job.

I know being a SAHM is a tough job, but sometimes the mom needs to alter how she does things in order to be in charge instead of the kids being in charge of mom. Some moms are real good at discipline and some are horrible. My kids know I'm in charge.

When we just had our 8th child, I gave my wife a round trip airline ticket (birthday surprise) so she could go and see her parents over Thanksgiving (10 days). She was nursing so she took the baby with her. I took vacation from work and stayed home with the rest (seven) of our kids. The ladies in our church offered to bring dinner each night so the kids and I wouldn't starve. AND they gave me all kinds of verbal harassment about men not being able to do a woman's job.

It was a lot easier to do than the ladies at church made it out to be. We got homework done. Chores done. Clothes and dishes washed. Clothes and dishes put away. Meals cooked. I made Thanksgiving dinner with smoked turkey (I smoked the turkey), mashed potatoes and all of the rest of the trimmings, including pumpkin and pecan pie. Kitchen and bathrooms cleaned as well as floors mopped and carpet vacuumed. I took al 7 of the children shopping with me and I had looked through the sale ads so we knew where the best bargains were. Then I used that time to teach the kids how to pick out the best fruits and vegetables.

Think about what needs to be done and then put the to do list in priority. Do the things that can be done simultaneously at the same time. I washed clothes and dried them as the kids and I vacuumed or did dishes or did homework. I even had time to take a mid day nap while my littlest one took a nap.

Just something to think abut. Good luck to you and yours.

I too think you should go away for a few days. I made the mistake of not letting husbands (2) do enough so that they really "got" it. I don't think a few days will completely inform your husband, but it's a start.

Lots of good advice, but reread Suz's advice, and I think that you should hire a housecleaner at least once a month, if not twice, to at least deal with the heavy cleaning.

Can he expect that of you? Only if you allow him to. Why are you letting a man decide that you are failing? Why is your success or failure measured by his standards? Is staying at home with small children your job? If so, why is he dictating your job? He isn't your department head or supervisor.

He should NOT be questioning you about what you do during your "work" time if he has never done your job. Sounds like he has no clue what it is like to run a home with small children in it all time. Time for Mommy to go on vacation with or to visit family for a week, alone, and Daddy needs to take vacation time and do YOUR job.

Why are these things your responsibility? A man who notices that you haven't highlighted your hair or that the kids are late for the dentist has plenty of time on his hands, more time than you have, so he ought to have his time filled with organizing the office and the closets. He can pick up juice and turkey on the way home from work, he does not have to pack up two small kids, a diaper bag, deal with car seats and checkout line tantrums. He can sit in his car during lunch ALONE with no interruptions to make calls to schedule doctor, dentist and haircut appointments.

OCD? That's fine but you are not in charge of managing his illness by keeping the house to his preferences and disorder. It may be time to change/increase his meds. He should see his doctor. Good luck

Ditto!

I just cleaned a room upstairs and a bin downstairs in an attempt to take the items to Kid to Kid to sell. I did this on Friday also.

On Friday, my daughter and her friend picked through the stuff in the back of my truck in the parking lot making the trip pretty much a waste. Today, she took out a bunch of stuff and told me she was playing with the toys and she wasn't ready to get rid of them.

Anyway, I feel your pain, as NOTHING else is getting done.

I get that my personality is "different", but I would tell my husband to leave me alone.

Make yourself a list of what all you would like to get done. Then, make a note of how often you would need to do each thing to maintain what you want. Ask for his input--the things that are most important to him. Prioritize your list according to importance and frequency, and make a flexible schedule according to that. Share it with him, but tell him not to expect things to be perfect; you'll fit those things in between the kids' activities. Anything that is super duper important to him, you can make that priority or suggest that he perform that task. Some things will NOT be done. You can't feel like a failure for that. We have someone come in periodically to deep clean and straighten up a little.

Of course, I don't know your dynamic or history or agreement(s) about how you do things around your house. What I mentioned above is what works in OUR home.

I am not a person who bounces out of bed and goes, goes, goes all the time. I'm a bit of a slug, until I do get going. It's a personality thing. I "process" before I act, and even then I'm always processing. My husband is the opposite, and each of us gets frustrated with the other at times. It's hard not to base our expectations on what we think we would do, how we would ideally like to see it done. This issue could be as simple as understanding who you (plural) are and why, and really looking at how you interact with each other. My husband and I have complementing personalities, and when we're in sync we make beautiful music. But if we're not careful, they start competing, and it throws everything completely off track.

Are you serious that he gives you grief about your HIGHLIGHTS??!! Okay then, take Saturday afternoon off and leave the kids with him and spend a few hours in a hair salon!!!

Fly lady.

I do all of that, but I don't spend tons of time playing with the kids. They are still time sucking voids, however, especially since I have a baby/toddler --13 months.

You are in the thick of a really hard age period for the two of them, but I can tell you that if you start training them a bit now, in about 1.5 years, your kids will be your biggest helpers. Get bins for the clothes in the closet. I have one for socks/undies, one for pants, etc. Every night I put a load of laundry in, and in the morning the kids have to get their clothes out of the basket and put them away. (I put it in after dinner and then move it while hubby and I are watching our hour of TV.) Your 20 month old can help you, your 3 year old can do it. Don't require folding, just that the clothes get put away. I may do another load in the morning, and after lunch they put clothes away again. Also, we pick up three times a day, after breakfast, after lunch, after dinner. Their bedroom floor and play room floor have to be clean,

My kids also do the crumbs after we eat. Get two sets of kids brooms.

As to when to organize. This really is key here: if you organize right, it's done, and cleaning takes half the time. So, start buying organizers for your closets., Do one closet a week. You can do this. 15 minutes a day. I'm sure you can steal three 5 minute blocks of time? Meanwhile, on saturday or sunday, leave the kids with hubby and run errands. This is my life savor. I get up in the morning and head out to the grocery store, etc. It sounds like it would be good for your hubby to have to "babysit" while you get things done. In fact, when my kids were your kids ages, I spent 2-5 hours every Saturday and Sunday cleaning. i still see the weekend as my biggest time to get stuff done. They can bother daddy, after all, so I let them ;-) In fact, if my husband said "why haven't you done this?" I'd probably say, "I am going to do is on Saturday while you take the kids to the park!"

Lastly, sounds like you guys need a date night.

But seriously, check out the fly lady. it is possible to do it all, but it will take time to learn how. Oh yes, get a roomba!

I just gave a similar answer on another question, but basically ask him to ask his friends or co-workers what you don't do, and see if they can tell him if they think you're lazy.

So, call him out by making him realize you don't have to be the only one who knows he acts that way. Chances are, he'll see your POV the minute the thought of another person knows how he's acting, whether he tells someone or not. Hopefully he'll back down and not be so demanding.

You are going to have to make a plan and work it. Break up the week into hours by morning and afternoon by day. Start small and continue until you have it under control. Include meals for the family, naps, play time outside and "me" time. The longer you work the schedule the easier it gets and you can do more and not be exhausted.

You can post me and I can give you more help.

Please do get hubby on board with doing more and posting a list for him to do.

the other S.

PS I was a SAHM for four solid years and this what worked. The next time I was a SAHM for eight years the kids were older and I could do more including running a business.

Oh this post makes me irritated but I get it. Men do not see the extent of all that needs to be taken care of in a home with two toddlers. Have you ever written down every single thing you did during a day and showed it to him, including time it takes to finish the activities? My husband can be good at pointing out what isn't done but does not offer to help or any solutions. I think men are better parents as kids get older, mine is at least (mine are 11 and 14 now). Good luck. I would have a hard time not biting my tongue with all the things he's told you aren't getting done!!!!!!!!!!!

I like the idea of a "staff meeting" - as long as he is not the "boss" at this meeting and you can communicate as equals.

Bring a run-down of your daily schedule, so he can see what you are dealing with during the day. It sounds like he is very much a type-A personality and he does not understand why you are not tackling all the things that he sees need to be done. But, if he sees that your days are full to the brim, to the point that getting a shower in is difficult, perhaps he will back off.

Now, I AM a type-A, and all the things on his list ARE things that would bother me. That being said, since they bother ME and NOT my husband, I am the one tackling them....even when I was working full-time. I did delegate tasks to my husband, but truly, he would never ever care about a closet being cleaned out, so expecting him to take care of that is not going to happen, ya know? But, what works for me is to make a weekly plan and write down what needs to be done, in terms of these extra projects. That does not mean that they all get done, because some days things get off-plan, but I am able to get more done this way. Perhaps during your meeting, you can ask him to list the projects he wants done, you can both prioritize them, and then divvy them out- he should be able to do some of them after work or on the weekend. Make a plan, together. He will appreciate you trying to meet him halfway.

It WILL get better...your children are at a difficult age, you can explain that to him as well. As they get into the school-age years, daily life will be a lot more manageable.

Edited to add: my youngest is 6 so it has been quite a while since I managed a baby and toddler. However, I babysat a friends 1 year old a few times recently, and it is EXHAUSTING to take care of young children. I really had forgotten. Those days, I hardly get anything done around the house, and my back is aching by the end of the day. It is a hard job! Pat yourself on the back because you do it every day, all day. Your husband really probably has no idea how much work it is. I wonder if you can leave him with the kids for a few days so he can find out?! :)

you are not failing. your kids are fed, clothed, bathed and healthy. your house is a mess because you have kids and it sounds like no help. have him sit with you on the weekend and make a list. a lot of those jobs he is asking you about are not every day jobs. they are do on the weekend or do when you have a week off. and you should do them together. what is he doing that he can't make the run to costco, home depot etc? I would set yourself a plan. laundry can be done a load at a time not all in one day. when I was a young mom an older mom said to me plan to get your "work" done by lunch time. it will still be there the next day. but you will drive yourself crazy trying to work til bedtime every night. she was right. I understand it now. does he work 90 hours a week? it sounds like you do. why isn't the yard his job? does he do the clean up after dinner? maybe he could do the grocery shopping. you need to divvie out the work. no way you should do it all.