Out of Control 16-Year-Old

Lots of great suggestions below. Another thing to consider is Martial Arts. Putting her into Tae Kwon Do may be very helpful, as discipline and respect are required in the studio. It may also give her an outlet for some of her aggression and draw her focus to something besides drugs and alcohol. Doesn't have to be Tae Kwon Do either - pretty much any martial art will have the same effect.

I also agree that she may need a new therapist, or you might need to do some family therapy sessions to get to the root of some of the problems.

If she's drug/alcohol addicted, left untreated, I can tell you what will become of her: jails, institutions or death. Could be this year, next year, or 20 years from now.
Go to Alanon.
Call the police on her.
Tough love.
Time to end this.

Good luck!

What is going on in her home life to make her choose such irresponsible behavior?

Have you tried, I mean, really tried, Tough Love? If your therapist has not recommended it, get a new therapist.

If you have insurance, perhaps you can entrust your doctor to recommend a mental health clinic. She sounds angry and defiant but she could also have been affected by her drinking and smoking pot which can at times bring on states of actual physical/chemical depression, anxiety, mood disorders, etc which were perhaps dormant but stimulated by the use of these things. Those happily can also be helped by meds and some followup therapy. I am only speculating. Hormones are so out of whack at that age, peer influence and the insecurity that comes along with that are factors also. While a boot camp is seriously out of reach and you may not have insurance, there are churches, free organizations for families and parents, there are groups like AlAnon, and a host of others right there in your own community. Sadly it takes lots of legwork sometimes. If you attend a church they should have lists of some of these places and you can speak to an entrusted person there. Or call a hospital and ask for these groups. There are anonymous hotlines. While she is herself out of control and wreaking havoc, you too need some good old mental health nourishment, take advantage of these for your own needs. She is old enough to make good choices and you have tried very hard to instill them in her. You have to pat yourself on the back, take some deep breaths and remember your own health is important.

T.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Sorry - if you have had her in therapy for 2 years and nothing has changed? you need a new therapist.

Next time you see her drinking? Call the police and have her arrested. Get her in Juvi.

Try getting her in the Beyond Scared Straight program. The programs you have checked into? If she gets arrested - the state may pay for it.

Good luck!

Have you looked into a new therapist or psychiatrist? Have you considered boarding school? Or in patient treatment? As you know, your daughter in on a crash course of self distraction. You can't afford to wait any longer, you need to take serious action now, because it doesn't sound like the things you've been doing are working. You any all resources available before its too late. God Bless you

Hi, I also haven't had the chance to read your other responses, but just wanted to first tell you that I'm so sorry you're having to go through this :(
My younger brother was an enormous cross to bear for my parents and I often felt neglected and resentful because they spent so much time dealing with him. They also, for a variety of reasons, had been VERY soft and inconsistent with my brother (though ironically they were VERY strict with me). I think that unfortunately my brother learned to manipulate my parents from a very young age and it just continued and worsened into the teen years. Your daughter may be trying to do something similar. She may feel that if she can exhaust you or scare you enough with her behavior it will mean that she can ultimately do what she wants. I would just like to offer the perspective of the siblings who also have to endure this and tell you to try not to forget about giving them extra attention too.
I also would consider trying to find out if your daughter was sexually attacked or abused by someone? I'm sorry to bring it up, but since you mentioned that her grades dropped and all the erratic, defiant behavior that ensued it is,sadly, a possibility.
More than anything (and I know this is easy for me to say since it's not my child) I would caution you to bail her out of any bad situation or natural consequence that may happen to her. When a person always has someone available to pick up the pieces or rescue them from their own destructive behavior they really don't have any incentive to straighten out their lives. And I think the more that you try to help her the more she will come to rely on people bailing her our of stuff. I am of course NOT suggesting you abandon all sense of help for her, I just mean that at some point you will have to get really tough with her and say that while you love her more than anything you can't let her unhealthy behavior destroy your whole family. Anyway, I sure am sorry. It's so tough to have to go through something like this. You're in my prayers :) Hang in there Mama, this too shall pass.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...
This is a good article on Teenagers, by the National Geographic Magazine.

I hope she goes to a OB/GYN, and is on birth control or knows about it and protects herself etc. and that she fully knows about STD's/sexually transmitted diseases etc. And knows that you can still get STD's if you are on the pill. It is only protection against pregnancy.

And, what the heck is her Therapist doing? Her therapy does not seem to help?
So get another Therapist or a Psychiatrist. Only a Psychiatrist can prescribe meds.

And, what is your or your Husband's "relationship" with her, like? Do you have a rapport with her? You all obviously do not get along.
A kid no matter what age, needs at least ONE parent, they can trust and go to for any problems, good or bad.
If not, they have no one, at home... to depend, on, nor talk to. About their life.

Get her re-evaluated.
By a Professional.
GET her, re-evaluated.

And, the next time she sneaks out of the house, and/or is missing... maybe call the Cops?
What is the age laws in your State?
Who are her friends? Do you know that?
Does she get into trouble at school too?
What are her problems at school or with friends?
Do you know, about her life?
Probably not, because there is no relationship at home, with her parents???? And she is hard to reach....
So, get another professional to re-evaluate her, and/or put her into a program. And yes, this will cost money. But if you want to really help her from self-destructing and improving the family life, then you MUST spend the money to do so.

Why is she doing this? Does she have a job? Hobbies? Play sports? I know when my kids were that age (in particular my girls) a job was the best thing for them. They have way to much time on their hands if they don't have something productive to do. It's going to be impossible to make her do anything but you can hold her to a much higher standard. How is she getting money for drinking, etc. You must be tough with her and I don't mean you have to be nasty, just very, very firm on what you expect. Take away most everything she owns and give it back if she earns it. I know it all sounds easy and is really very hard but this is your kid and I have seen many of my children's friends whose parents gave up and it's not a good thing for those kids. Be Strong!!!

My threat to my children was always military school. Whether I could afford something or not, if it was in their best interest - especially if they got to the point that your daughter is at - I would find a way.
I have a friend whose son decided he was going to stop studying and do as he pleased. His parents gave him one warning - shape up or you'll be going to military school. He thought they would waffle when it came down to it. The Monday after thanksgiving, he was getting his head shaved. It was the best thing they did for him.
I have a feeling that your daughter has lost her respect for you because you are not consistent. You need to figure out the consequences for her not shaping up. You need to get your ducks in a row. You need to present a united front.
Hope it works out.

I would contact NAMi-National Alliance on Mental Health. They have a lot of resources for your whole family. Hang in there. Prayers sent to you and your family!

She is a minor you can sign her into a mental health facility. Talk to her therapist and find a place to send her. She needs in-patient treatment and detox.

Can you provide WHY she is acting out? Do you know? What does her therapist say?

If she gets busted for drugs you might have some additional resources as she'll be "in the system" and will have some programs mandated by a judge.

Also you've looked at "boot camps", but have you looked at in-patient treatment centers? Those (either for drugs or anxiety) are usually partially covered by insurance.

Not only your daughter but also you, as her parents, need a lot of help, support and counseling. It is very important to find out why she has become out of control, she is 16 yo already. There are many factors that contribute to the problem, and one starts at home. It is never too late, but at this point you will need professional help, and start from there. I wish you the best.
A. :)

Have you contacted the school guidance for assistance on this? They may be able to point you to resources you don't know about. How about contacting your city's human services department? My youngest daughter is interning for a neighboring town providing counseling as part of her master's degree requirements. A quick google search provided this service in your city. http://www.cityofchino.org/index.aspx?page=172

Give them a call and get help. You can't do this on your own. Get the help and resources you need.

Look into a program called Young Marines. It's used by the courts for juvenile offenders but is also open to any youth. Teaches discipline, respect (for self & others) and I've heard wonderful things about it.

I have not had time to read all the other post do this might be a repeat but you need to put her in rehab. I don't have time this minute to go into details but I am a counselor and work with young adults so I am privy to alot of information. She needs to go and it may or may not work the first time. Hopefully it will. I'll keep u in my thoughts. Please look into rehab at least a month long stay.

You got lots of suggestions already, so I am just going to add that I have seen many girls go though some really nasty times at sixteen, who have now almost completely outgrown it by 20 or 21. As long as she does not get heavily involved in serious drugs, maturity will probably go a long way towards fixing most of her current issues.

But in the meantime, it's hell.

Looks like you have a lot of good ideas. For a local option, check out the West End SELPA in Rancho Cucamonga. They offer parenting classes twice a year. I believe the next one won't start until the fall. You'll have plenty of things to work on between now and then, but the parenting class can offer you step-by-step guidance on how to handle specific situations, and you'll have the support of other parents. My computer is about to die, so I can't look up the website, but it's a part of SB County Superintendent of Schools.