On the internet there was a story about a brother in law cheating on your sister. The answer was not to. What would you say??
Here is the story coped from the internet:
• The Dilemma: A couple years ago, we found out that my sister's husband of more than 30 years had been having an affair. My sister left him, but they've since gotten back together. (They were high school sweethearts, and I don't think she'd know what to do without him.) I suspect that he has started cheating again; all the signs are there. But my sister is happy, and if she suspects anything, then she's not acknowledging it. I love my sister, but it's become uncomfortable to spend time with her and her husband. I'm not sure how to act around either of them. Should I keep my mouth shut even if it means compromising my own principles? -Anonymous
Caroline's Ruling: I hate to say this, but your principles have nothing to do with this. This is your sister's marriage and your sister's life, not yours. I can certainly understand your concerns, but your sister faced this issue before and has made the conscious decision to take her husband back. Secondly, you're assuming he's having an affair, correct? Before you make any decision to "out" your brother-in-law, you should consider the fact that you're about to drop a bombshell based on an assumption—no matter how strong it is. Think of the consequences. What if it's not true? What will this do to your relationship with your sister and her husband? You will immediately become the bad guy and potentially lose your sister in the process.
No one really knows what happens behind closed doors. Maybe your sister already has a feeling that something is going on and isn't prepared to deal with it, or maybe she has decided to deal with it her way, which is a happy front.
People have different ways of coping with different situations. I would suggest that you be a good friend to your sister and only be there to listen if the topic comes up. The bottom line is this: You say that your sister is happy? Well, there you go; that's your answer.
Tattling = telling on someone only for the sake of getting in trouble.
Exposing an affair is NEVER tattling.
Hullo: STDs, just to name 1 of a hundred very REAL reasons why the betrayed spouse needs to know.
That said: SIL doesn't know about an affair. She suspects with no proof or knowledge. That's just gossiping.
Do not cast doubt when you do not have 100% proof. If you have proof that's different than a sign. You bet I would tell my sister and hope she'd tell me if it were in fact the case. I'd be one PO'd person if no one told me and yet knew.
First of all, why would anyone "out" someone based on assumption?
You don't know what you don't know and to get into someone else's business based on an assumption and damage their relationship is wrong in my eyes.
If it happened in the past and they have reconciled, why on earth would anyone want to go destroy that for them. No one knows what types of agreements they may personally have regarding this subject.
I say mind your own business.
Viola, since he did it before and messed their marriage up, I think that perhaps going to the source of the problem would be better. She and her husband should go to the man (the BIL) and discuss it. They should just cut to the chase and tell him that it appears to them that he is cheating again. And if he is, they will out him. And that he needs to stop doing it and be faithful to his wife.
He will know that he has had a real warning, and that he stands to lose his wife again. Maybe that will shock him into straightening himself out.
Thanks my opinion.
Dawn
I would never stir things up based on assumptions.
I agree with the ruling.
If the "signs" of cheating are there then wife would probably have that feeling as well and it is her life to handle. As a sister, you could be there for her. It must be easier for her to look the other way.
If it were my sister, I would definitely broach the subject. I would say something like "I need to know what you would want me to do in a situation. You seem to be happy now that you are back with BIL and the circumstances of your marriage are none of my business. But if I had suspicions of him cheating again, would you want to know?" and see what she says. She may say heck yes I would want to know or no thanks, I've got it covered.
I don't see the dilema as she doesn't really know anything. Assumption does not equal disclosure. Unless she sees him cheat with her own eyes there is no reason to consider "telling" anything.
I would ONLY TELL IF I SAW IT - IF I HAD PROOF!!
When you assume - you make an A$$ out of you and me. No assumptions, no gut instinct, no preconceived notions...she obviously hasn't forgiven her BIL and doesn't trust him. Her sister has. It's her sister's life. NOT HERS.
If I knew for a fact that my BIL was cheating. I would tell him he has X amount of time to tell or I will. Same with my sister or brother. that's not cool. IF you aren't happy in your relationship - then YOU need to make the change...
Would I want to ruin my sister's happiness? No. I would NOT do it on an assumption. Too many people assume they know something as fact and they are wrong. But they go full speed ahead and yap away about things they believe are "fact" but are not. You don't ruin someone's life on assumption.
My feelings on cheating is that you should mind your own business.
If I had irrefutable proof that a loved one was being cheated on, yes, I'd say something. If it was just an acquaintance or if it was just an assumption, MYOB.
I think that "Caroline's Ruling:" is right. The main point of it was that the dilemma is a false one, because the woman doesn't KNOW anything, only assumes something. I suspect that Caroline's ruling might be slightly different if the woman had PROOF. We won't know that, though, b/c that was not the situation presented in "the Dilemma".
Unless I knew 100% . I would not say a word. But if I DID know 100% I would tell my sister in a heartbeat.
"Suspects" does not equal "knows for sure."
I agree. She took him back. She has probably turned a blind eye to it, because she'd rather have him than not, even if he is cheating. I would stay all the way out of it.
I would definitely want to know-that way I can get checked out for std's. For all the people out there who say leave it alone-would you rather continue living in "bliss"(ignorance) and possibly with an std or would you want to know so you can take appropriate measures to protect yourself. Nothing is more humiating than being cheated on(everyone knowing or suspecting it), going for a routine check-up only to get called by the health department because you have a "problem".
I agree with the ruling.
Unless there is proof, no. I wouldn't want to destroy or hurt a marriage based on an assumption or hunch. If I had proof, then yes, I would tell my sister.
If I saw it with my own eyes, then I would tell her. If it was me I would want to know. What she chose to do is up to her and if it is like you say and she's blissfully looking past it it wont matter anyway!
Best of luck!
I agree with the ruling.
I am a believer of stay out of others marriage. If I saw with my own 2 eyes it would still be hard for me to tell but I imagine I would have to if it was someone that I was very close with.
I wouldn't say a word... Not even if I knew for sure.
People have many reasons why they stay with cheaters. Maybe they are cheaters themselves, maybe its just easier to stay together. If the sister didn't already know about it, she will and if she seems happy, she is for the most part. Life with others is never easy. There are always slip ups, make ups, and break ups. The true meat is how much you want to keep the family together, or pursue your own personal gratification on feelings.
