Husband Having an Affair?

Updated on October 12, 2008
S.G. asks from Plano, TX
56 answers

I got laid off recently and I don't know if I'm insecure because of that or if not being distracted by work has allowed me to see what is really going on. I just found out that my husband opened a Facebook account several months ago. He only has 2 friends on there but one is a woman I've never heard of who added him as her first friend. The other works at his office. He left an e-mail to that co-worker open on our computer where he mentioned that they "need to have more little dates". (This was also an e-mail account that I didn't know that he had.) He has told me when he has gone out for drinks with her and/or other co-workers. He stayed out late a couple of weeks ago to talk with her because she is having marital issues. I hope that is what he is referring to with the "date" thing. At home that night he thanked me for being so understanding while he helped out a friend and said that most wives wouldn't be so trusting. I also know that he regularly buys lunch/drinks for employees so I've never questioned this before. While cleaning house yesterday, I found receipts for cash from a hotel ATM. He travels around Dallas for work so I'm not always able to get hold of him. It has never bothered me before but the Facebook & e-mail account really sent my radar going. I just don't know what to think...if I'm being insecure or if my instincts are on target.

His father cheated on his mother so I hope it is not history repeating itself.

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So What Happened?

I found out from another source that the hotel ATM receipt was from when he dropped off a client but there were too many other red flags. I confronted him a couple of days ago and he admitted that he and the co-worker have gotten very close. He says they had not had sex but that he wanted to. He broke it off with her and she will be looking for another job. He told me that he has not been happy for some time but wants us to work to make it better so we'll go to counseling. I haven't talked to my friends or family about this so this board has been a lifesaver. Thanks to everyone for your help and support!

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H.L.

answers from Dallas on

On the facebook account you may be able to view his chat history. the bottom right will show who's online and you maybe able to click on friends to view their IM history. email me if you need help digging more. [email protected]____.com see if he has yahoo instant messenger, those have archives of messages. I know cell phones do too. just look. or just ask him.

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

No married man should be having dinner and drinks with another woman even if she is a coworker. It is not appropriate. The line he gave you about being understanding sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into thinking everything is innocent. Don't put up with this type of behavior whether he is actually sleeping with another woman or not. You deserve better!!

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C.P.

answers from Dallas on

You should stay low on the radar, as far as asking about these things. That way if he is doing something, he will probably get sloppy since he'll think you have no clue. Once he thinks you have some idea, he will be EXTRA careful if he is cheating. So, just go on as normal until you have more information.

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L.G.

answers from Dallas on

Walks like a duck....

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S.,

I find it weird that he is making so many ATM withdrawals--is this your family's normal way of paying for stuff? Why wouldn't he use his debit card for these purchases? Is he paying cash so there is no paper trail to where he spends his money? Have you looked at the bank statements?

On his Facebook info, does he list himself as married? Does he name you as his wife? Also, I would immediately open an account on Facebook. It is not just a social thing, it can be a valuable networking device. Invite him to be your friend and then you can also add HER as a friend. Send her a message, introducing yourself. Tell her that you are sorry for her recent martial problems and maybe all three of you can have a drink together, which might give her another woman's perspective as to how she and her husband might work through this difficult time.

Even if they are not having a physical relationship, as many others have said this is an emotional betrayel. Your husband is not home to support you in this time when you need him due to you losing your job. Is he there for your kids? If you have teenagers his presence at home and involvement in thier lives is paramount at this time. You also might try a little guilt on him. When you are in the presence of your kids, tell him "I'm sorry to hear about your coworker's marital problems. Can you imagine how it would tear our children apart if something like that happened to us?" Make him think about your family as a whole and your kids.

Also, again, even if they are not physical, they are engaging in an activity that is extremely bonding. If this woman is having marital problems and pouring her heart out to your husband, she is thinking, "I wish my husband could be this sensitive, understanding, kind, patient, etc." We all know as women that sharing personal issues with another is a bonding activity and she is likely to fall in love with your husband if she already isn't. Your husband is in the role as HER symbolic hero and protector. Since you just lost your job, show him that you need HIM to be that for YOU. Not in the literal sense, but in the emotional sense.

Plan activities for the two of you--a romantic dinner, whatever. Sit down with him for Sunday or Monday night football, make him some nachos (or whatever), and just sit with him and hold his hand. I am NOT saying that the problem is yours or that you are not a good wife. What I am saying is that at this crucial time you have to remind him of your love, your life, and your family. Make him realize the high stakes of this situation--remind him of what he stands to lose.

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E.F.

answers from Dallas on

S.,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have been there. If he is not having the affair yet, then all signs show he is on his way to one. I believe you know in your heart what the answer is. The question is can you forgive him and will you stay if he is willing to admit and work on his problem? It takes alot of strength and courage to stay, but with children it is worth the fight. It can make your marriage stronger if you are both willing to work on it.

Darkness comes to the light and that is where help and healing begins. I don't know what your beliefs are but I recommend finding a good Christian marriage counselor. With God all is possible. Good luck, I will be praying for you.

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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

S.,

I am married with two small children, but I also have male friends from college and work. However, since I have been married, I watch those friendships closely. I have introduced them to my husband and if it works out, we sometimes all hang out together (sometimes with their wives and gfriends, too, who I try to become friends with). One of my male friends is newly married (less than a year). His wife expressed concerns over us going to lunch together, just the two of us (we NEVER go to dinner or drinks!!). Because he is my friend and I want him to maintain a good relationship with his wife, I respect her request. I know she has nothing to worry about, but if it causes angst in their relationship - I DON'T want that for EITHER of them! I value the love I have in my marriage and would like for him to have the same positive experience in HIS marriage to HER. Conversely, when he and I would go to lunch together, I would always tell my husband because there was nothing to hide. I would tell my husband the same thing - that I was glad he was so understanding b/c not all guys are, etc. HOWEVER, I have also told him that if it ever EVER bothers him to tell me and I would not do it anymore.

Having guy friends has always been a part of my personality and my husband understands that. But, if it ever came b/w staying friends with one of those guys v. the relationship with my husband, I would choose my husband everytime. Just as I insisted my friend choose his wife when she expressed her concerns.

If it is truly innocent on your husband's part, I think that he will be willing to drop the friendship outside of the workplace and just maintain it in the workplace.

Also, like so many others, I find it concerning that she is going to him with her marital problems. Even with the guy friends I have, I would never take solace in them - I would go to my girlfriends or mother hands down.

So, as a woman with friends of the opposite sex, I recommend that you talk to him. You know him best. Hopefully, it is innocent and he will be willing to put a stop to it. And, if it is not innocent, I hope you guys can work it out.

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S.V.

answers from Dallas on

I've been there almost exactly. It may not be an affair yet, but it will turn into one if he doesn't stop. My husband and I were able to work through it after he saw the error of his ways. He needs someone besides you to tell him that its not ok to hang out with the opposite sex, as it will lead to other things.

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B.H.

answers from Dallas on

Trust your gut, I was cheated on. I was a stay at home mom for 4 1/2 years with my three girls and trusted my husband completely in that area. His actions and my gut kept telling me that he was cheating but I didn't let myself believe it until his own sister told me. Always trust you gut instinct!!! I am a christian woman, and I truly believe that God has given women a very strong intuition especially when it comes to her husband and children to know when something is not quite right.

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K.B.

answers from Dallas on

Like everyone has already said, listen to your gut! If you start accusing him of this he will automatically get defensive.So I would play it cool right now. Start checking his receipts everyday(that's what I did) and his phone records. My husband was cheating and I found what I needed doing this to confirm my thoughts. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

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L.C.

answers from Dallas on

Assume he is and that you already have all the damning and conclusive proof that you could ever need. Do not burn your soul by playing he said / she said with a cornerstone foundation issue like this. Marriage is trust and yours is compromised - period. Ask yourself if it's a deal breaker?
If not - then it's time to renegotiate. Sound cold? - Good.
He's traded already and now you can only determine what he is willing to lose when the hammer falls. Ask him what kind of marriage he has envisioned for your family in view of the seeds being sown?
Also, be wary of counseling - even if can find one that can help you more than you could them - at the end of the cycle looms the same choices that only you can make.

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

I wouldn't be sneaky about it...at first. Start with something positive about reconnecting. you have teenagers and your lay-off is a big change. Just let him know that you realized that maybe it's time to focus on the marriage again. See where that takes you. And I've heard good things about "how to affair-proof your marriage". If that doesn't work, call cheaters! Seriously, their website has great info if it comes to that. But i think proactive is better than sneaky. Here's why: If you're sneaky and 'catch' him, you will both feel a breach of trust and it will be more difficult to come back from that, especially if there is nothing happening (believe it or not). If you have a more marriage-centered response, he will feel more like you are still trusting and in-tune with him, in which case he may be able to let this searching for emotional fulfillment go. Hope that helps.

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R.W.

answers from Dallas on

yes ...your instincts may be rigth , i would check more deeply for proofs

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J.B.

answers from Dallas on

I would say that your radar is up for a good reason.., if it hasn't started yet it's on its way. He sounds like a social character who enjoys/needs being liked. Now he has a 'damsel in distress' - how flattering for his nature! Her crying on his shoulder and him comforting her - oh please, why isn't she talking to one of her female friends - why someone else's husband? So what to do? Several options:- you can appeal to his nature and need him desparatly( in turn flattering him yourself - generally I think that part of relationships dies with time and needs rekindling ), you can work out whether he got enough money out of that ATM to pay for a room at that hotel..., the next time he says he needs to help her you say very disinterestedly ' where ' when you find out, you say 'oh good, I have so been looking forward to meeting her and helping her through this difficult situation - you know - a woman's point of view - so I'll join you' and wait to see the response you get. Also a very good thing to do now as you are not going to work is to pop in and surprise him for lunch, of course looking good.. and meet and greet everyone... there are so many options you can take... and get your mind into a frame of this is a game and try to enjoy it... you might be in it for a while.. :-)

I have a response from my mother ( a VERY experienced mother) - she says you should befriend the women because this is always unappreciated and dampens any romantic interests. Call her up and be wonderfully concerned and friendly and insist that you meet up for lunch that day because you know she doesn't have that many female friends and every woman needs female friends during times of need...

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C.N.

answers from Dallas on

Hello!
This is dangerous! SOunds like a definite affair or heading to an affair! No husband needs ANY girl friends or has ANY business trying to help any ladies ! If you are married, it is Not good to have friends of the opposite sex, it easily can fall into an affair even unintended!
If you go to church, talk to a pastor immediately or counselor! If the person is any good at his/her job, you will be advised to tell your husband to stop having any
dates with other girls! As Zig Ziglar says, if you have any time left over in the day, spend it with your wife, not another lady. He has written an excellent book on Romance.
You can try to contact him. He lives in Texas. Jimmy Evans, Gateway CHurch, Rosbergs, etc. all give advise. The Rosberg
get back with you really fast.
Fight for your marriage! You husband's behavior is very unhealthy and suspicious! Don't be the last one to know!
These are all clues of an unhealthy marriage!
Keep us posted! Get help today!!!!!!!
Blessings!
Sincerely,
C. N.

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A.O.

answers from Dallas on

The facebook thing and an email account you didn't know about should be upsetting you because you have to be honest with your spouse. With that said, it's NEVER appropriate for a husband or a man at all to be the emotional support for another woman. More than likely, it gets misconstrued that he's just there to help and the woman could get attached. Saying you are trusting could be sincere or it could be a way to get you to not think about what is really going on. You have to confront him.

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T.W.

answers from McAllen on

Hi S., I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I honestly think that couples can get in alot of trouble with facebook/myspace etc. I have some friends (married) that were always fighting over her page because an ex would pop up out of nowhere, or joke about something from HS. I really think people should be careful about that. I will say though that most men that have seen their mothers/fathers cheat, do it too unfortunately. My ex cheated on me and I was too blind to see it even when his dad left his mom on their 30th anniversary day for some other nasty woman. Anyway, I know that people have said, he may have a kind heart and want to help other people with their marital issues...no, one of them have other intentions. Would you talk to another guy about your marital probs? No, you'd go to a girlfriend. That's how it starts, with a sympathetic ear. Also, with the receipts at the hotel and what not and the fact that he travels, there's plenty of opportunity. My Grandmother always said "Men are like animals." And my mother would say "Any man will cheat with the right opportunity." I hope that he's not and I will pray for you. I'm so glad that you have your eyes open. If I were you, I'd pop up at his work, listen in on his phonecalls and what not, but I'm sneaky like that. Hehe.

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M.C.

answers from Dallas on

Unfortunately I agree with everyone else...If he hasnt yet, he maybe on the way to an affair. If your husbands friend is having marital problems, she should be talking to HER husband...NOT yours!
My husband works with a lot of women, and he is friendly with all of them, but he doesnt go out alone with them, Ive never told him not too, but he knows it wouldnt be right. Tell him if she needs to talk to him to come on over, while BOTH of you are home. My husband travels alot too, so its hard not to wonder about cheating, but the new email and facebook... It doesnt look good. If I was you I would right now get into his new email account and do some snooping! Get all the info that you can before you say anything to him. And also, I know lots of women who have had marital issues...Most wouldnt put a guy in that position with his wife (going to dinner or drinks to 'talk' while the wife is at home) if they were honestly just looking for help.

I hope everyones wrong about the cheating, but good luck!

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L.V.

answers from Dallas on

It is probable that your husband is having an affair. It may have started as an emotional affair......very dangerous because it usually evolves into a physical affair. Intimacy with anyone other than your spouse is usually not a good idea. She should be talking to a close girl friend or a therapist about her shaky marriage. The more you shared, the more suspicious he looked. He is lying to you. You are NOT crazy, overreacting, or jealous. Your instincts are on target.
It almost sounds like a mid-life crisis kind of thing. After all, what is a man his age doing with a Facebook??? Sounds very adolescent....maybe he is looking for a thrill...playing dangerous games. Perhaps it is not too late to rein him in.
My thoughts are with you. Maintain your integrity and don't give him the power.
L.

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M.C.

answers from Dallas on

I don't think you're being insecure. Just ground rules - any man having lunch or drinks or whatever with another woman other than his wife and the topic is anything other than work - that's a date. It has to stop. It's not that you're not understanding, it's just what it is. So, even if he's just helping somebody with "marital problems," that woman just needs to get herself a counselor or another female friend as she's having a date with your husband, plain and simple.

I'm not being harsh. It's just funny how people stretch the truth.

Take care and stand your ground.

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B.H.

answers from Dallas on

Yes.

Pray a lot for strength. B.

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T.B.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S., it is funny my brother and I were talking about cheating the other night and he was saying that when a spouse thinks their spouse is cheating-they are usually correct. Frankly this behavior is inappropriate for a married man. I think something is up big time. I would certainly get to the bottom of it-is there a way a friend can help you? I would bet my pretty good size paycheck your suspicions are correct but I wouldn't confront him or let him know your suspicions until you get rock solid evidence. I have been cheated on twice and both times I suspected it and I was correct.

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M.C.

answers from Dallas on

I am so very sorry that you are having this experience! My personal opinion is that a married man should not be going out with another woman, married or not, without his spouse. My husband is a pilot and is gone alot. He is surrounded by other women all of the time. I just have to trust and pray that his commitment to our marriage will carry him no matter where his is. He is a kind man and never wants to give the impression of being anything but a gentleman. He tells me right away if another woman is coming on to him. All of that being said, it sounds like your husband has been honest with you in some aspects of his activities but is leaving out other important details. I would talk to him. Tell him what you've found and ask him to be honest with you for the sake of your marriage. Then I would just make it very clear that it is not acceptable to you or your marriage for him to be spending time with another woman alone. If she would like to come over to your house while you are there that's one thing but no more going out alone with her. I wish you the very best!

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M.M.

answers from Dallas on

S., I know you don't want to hear this, but it sounds like there are a lot of red flags here. I honestly think from what you have said that he is either already having an affair, or he is seriously thinking about it. Just being on Facebook would not concern me, but the going for drinks, hotel receipt, and her supposedly having marital problems all add up to one thing. He may have left the computer open on purpose so you would find out. Sometimes people do this consciously or unconsciously. I think you need to follow him one day or have him followed to see for yourself what is really going on. Good luck to you. This is very hard, but I have been there and you can get through it.

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S.M.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S.,

Trust your gut!!! If you don't/can't hire a private detective and you will get your answer most likely within a week or so. However, before taking this step you must be sure you want to know the truth. Children learn what they live so if cheating is the example his father set for him it would not be any kind of a stretch for your husband to repeat that behavior. Infidelity can be overcome but only if both partners want to stay in the marriage. What you need to decide for yourself is whether you can/will tolerate his cheating. My ex-husband also told me what an understanding wife I was but when I faced up to it he was simply conning me so he could keep doing what he was doing. This is not to say that this is the case with your husband but keep your eyes and ears wide open and trust your instincts!! I hope for your sake and that of your children that everything is fine. I will keep you in my prayers.

S. M

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K.L.

answers from Dallas on

I would REALLY be careful and tell him face to face that, if in fact something is happening he should atleast be honest with you...so you can make other plans. If you have the money...you could ditch that idea and hire a private investigator, get proof and then proceed with legal action. YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF NOW.

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

There was just a segment this week on the Today show, Tuesday, I think. Usually the TV is on in the background while I'm getting kids to school, etc, but I remember it caught my attention. A close girlfriend of mine had her marriage broken up due to a cheating husband. I tried Googling, but this is what I could find in a hurry on the Today Show webpage:

To catch a cheat, follow your gut. More than likely, it’s telling you something is off. There are tons of tips on the signs of straying, but some are universal. Your honey starts to take extra care in his or her appearance — buying new clothes, working out, new haircut. They start meticulously deleting sent messages and keep their inbox pristine. Sex is either feast or famine or just plain different. Their cell phone never leaves their side. You get the idea and then it starts to gnaw at you.

“The interesting thing, if it’s going on, you’re not going to get any peace until you know, confirm or disprove what you suspect,” said the Queens, New York-based Houston, who 15 years ago discovered her then-husband was cheating on her with three women. She’s interviewed thousands of investigators, therapists, academics, victims and perpetrators since then and wrote a book, “Is He Cheating on You?”

They also had a Private Investigator who said that a couple of the signs are - he's not interested sexually (too busy, too tired), or he has a new sexual "routine", he might be trying out new things he's learned.

My friend's ex cheated while deployed in the Military. They were married 17 years. While the affair was happening, he would write her emails about how great she was, great mom, great wife, etc. When he got home, his guilt ate away at him so he started to be very mean and verbally abusive.

OK, after all this I'm not saying he is, I'm just saying don't ignore your gut. If you're laid off, I would suggest trying to trail him with out being seen or if you have a little cash on hand, hire a Private Det. My friend did this even after her husband had ended the affair & found out the woman's address/phone. My friend is pretty bold & a theater major, so she called the lady and got all the answers her husband refused to say (even during divorce proceedings), basically if the other woman got pregnant from the affair, if she had any STD's, etc.

As for your husband's dad cheating, Family Systems Theory suggests that he's more likely to follow in his footsteps.

I just checked Amazon about the book mentioned above. I would definitely buy it if I were in your position. Ruth Houston, "Is He Cheating on You?" Also her website:

http://www.infidelityadvice.com/

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T.G.

answers from Dallas on

cheating or not you need to tell him you don't feel comfortable with the situation. His thanking you for being so understanding is just a way of trying to keep you that way when he knows that isn't reasonable. Think about it...most wouldn't be so understanding because most know that the situation is not healthy for your marriage. Too many ifs in this equation. He can be supportive and be her friend without going out on little "dates" with her.
90% of the time if you suspect your hubby is cheating...he is. Don't question your instincts but don't go flying off the handle either. Just tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation the way it is and ask him to stop. :)

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J.W.

answers from Dallas on

Always trust your instincts! If he knows that you know about this lady then I think its about time to meet her. If she is your husband's friend then she needs to be yours too. Talk with him about your concern and it shouldn't be an argument. Let him know that your uncomfortable about his friendship with her and its about time you meet her. If something is really going on then he will argue with you about it. Just smile because your better then that!

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N.H.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S.,

I did not read the other responses but I would absolutely not be ok with that. Him going out with her because she is having marital problems is a HUGE RED FLAG he's having an affair with her or at least going to begin one. That woman should not be leaning on YOUR husband for any support, that's what her FEMALE friends or SINGLE male friends are for. Why is the other woman having problems in her marriage? Is her husband cheating and she wants to get him back??
Definitely find out more and if he's cheating, I hope you have a way to leave or get some serious conseling if he wants to save the marriage.
He was right about one thing, not many women would be so supportive of him taking her out.....in fact I don't know anyone that would be ok with that. He needs to be home with you focusing on his own marriage.....NOT hers!!
Hang in there, good luck and I pray everything works out for you and your family.

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C.R.

answers from Dallas on

Yep, he is having an affair. My husband did the same thing and any time I confronted him with it he lied and said no until I could prove him wrong.

Are you a Christian? I went to my pastor and he was very helpful. My husband eventually left me for his girlfriend who was 40 yrs younger than himself. This was in 2001....last year he called me to ask for forgiveness and that he was so sorry and I was the most wonderful thing he had going in his life and he blew it. I did forgive him. I really prayed about whether or not to take him back and decided I could never trust him. I am a working female and have a 401K and pension plan and he did not...he took 1/2 of mine.....this hurt more than the affair.

I would suggest you start putting money aside and open up a bank account without him knowing about it....and/or get a PO box that he does not know about. Find out all you can about his savings, 401K, etc. but do not let him know you are doing this. This will help you in the event you do get divorced. I would not mention the affair for several more months at least and this way you can start funneling money into your own account. I know this sounds devious but if he is running around on you then what he is doing is devious.

I would also suggest yall go to a marriage counselor.
C.

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L.W.

answers from Dallas on

When one marries, one is to be devoted to that spouse. One can be aquaintances but nothing outside of the office. If the gal is having marital problems, have her go to counseling or her a female friend or read books/articles... or a single male friend. Tell your husband it is either you or the "friend" and that you are not "understanding"...

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S.B.

answers from Portland on

My dad cheated on my mom and I found it amazing how many tall tales he told my mom to explain away his behavior. Bottom line - get the evidence and present it to him. Then make the solution very black and white - either he gets counceling with you, adheres to certain rules (ie. always available to talk, never goes out with this woman again, closes his facebook and email acct.), and then if he fails to follow thru, file for divorce. You need to set a good example to your kids about how to handle these situations. My mom stayed for much longer than she should have and I believe she would have avoided a lot of pain had she put her foot down when she first found out, trusted her instincts when tall tales were being told, and built in accountability. Best of luck to you. I know it's very difficult for you and painful. My heart goes out to you. one last thought, i believe you can install software that will show you everywhere he goes on the computer and don't hesitate to hire a private detective.

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E.C.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S.,
In my personal opinion, it is not acceptable for your husband to tell any other woman, co-worker or not, that he "needs to have more little dates". Even if nothing physical is happening, it sounds like something emotional is. And, in my opinion, a wife has every right to know where her husband is, especially if he has cash receipts from local hotel ATMS. If nothing inappropriate is going on he will be able to easily explain it away. I could easily see my husband withdrawing from a hotel ATM if he is meeting a client in the hotel bar for a drink and he wants to pick up the tab. Or if he took a client there for lunch. Plain and simple. But you have the right to ask. If I found a receipt of a place I did not know my husband had been, I would ask him "While doing the laundry (or whatever) I found a receipt to the ____ Hotel, who did you meet there" in a casual, non-accusatory way. It sounds to me too that you may need to get more involved in casually asking and being interested about his day....not so you can check up on him, but because he is your husband and you should want to know how work is going, how his clients are, etc. Oprah recently had a great show I think about why husbands cheat and in most cases it had nothing to do with sex, it was that they felt their wives were not interested in their life and they did not feel appreciated. If your husband is having an affair, I definitely am not saying you are at fault, I just thought it was an interesting perspective. Be strong!

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

Don't know if this will go to the top of the post again or not but I by no means agree with the statement if they are getting what they need at home they will seek it elsewhere. That is the biggest excuse ever for people to cheat & it is the worst excuse also. I'm sure in EVERY relationship both the husband & wife are missing some things, no marriage is perfect but that doesn't give anyone the excuse to go "looking" for it somewhere else & it be ok. Do not feel that it is your fault. If there is something he isn't happy about he needs to be a man & talk to you about it, not use it as an excuse to cheat.
______________________________________________________
Like others said it is possible that he isn't but it doesn't sound good. I agree that he doesn't need to be counseling this woman on her marriage and having late night outings with her. One thing I want to point out is what is wrong with this woman, meaning he might be helping her innocently but that doesn't mean she doesn't have other intentions therefore leading your husband into something he shouldn't be doing. Not putting blame on one person or the other but it takes two to tango. He might be liking the extra attention from her & not thinking anything else of it. BUT, it is still wrong for him to hide things from you.

In my opinion I would flat out be honest with your husband about your concerns. The key to most relationships is honesty. Tell him you saw his facebook & the email. Let him know that you are upset about it & that you do not want him to continue to do so because it bothers you. My thoughts are if he isn't doing something wrong he will let it go & not be overly defensive. Try to talk to him without being confrontational, and definitely when the kids aren't there. If he tries to turn it around on you and make you look like the one who is being ridiculous than I would be a little more weary of what he has been doing.

I am so sorry you are going through this, remember you have been married for 15 years and you probably know him better than anyone else, go with your gut feelings and don't blame yourself.

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C.H.

answers from Dallas on

I dont really think a womans instincts are ever wrong. Listen to them.
Just by reading this I would say that YES he has done something he shouldnt have.
Tell him you know what he has been doing and he needs to come clean and have some therapy if he wants to save his marriage.
Tell him there will be no more "little dates" without you!
And whats this facebook and hotel receipt thing???
No more Mrs Niceguy........Who cares if you got laid off...its not your fault! He should be supporting you anyway and you can work if you want to.
Lay down the law!
Good luck

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C.G.

answers from Dallas on

Unfortunately, S. all arrows are pointing to the wrong side. What I see from what you wrote is the Facebook account, unknown email account and the words "little dates" those "secretive" accounts and only having woman as friends and the term "date" would perk my radar as well. Not to mention the receipt from the hotel ATM.

I have been there, all the little things that I was suspicious about turned out to be, that he was having an affair. And guess what? His dad was a cheater, too? So, I may be a little more sensitive, but your senario, has a very familiar ring to it.

C.

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S.P.

answers from Dallas on

In all honesty, I can not say what he may be doing. Since you're not sure either why not just ask him point blank? He can only give one of two answers.

In 15 years of marriage you know him like no one else knows him- right? So usually when your gut tells you something there's a reason for it. Maybe he's not gone so far as to have an actual affair but perhaps he is close-or perhaps it's an emotional affair. At any rate-you could mention why you felt concerned and request that even if nothing has occurred he take a step back and think of how he would react in your position.

Would your husband mind if you were doing as he is? New facebook account? More "little dates"- staying out having drinks and discussing marital issues with another man? Perhaps nothing is going on and it's all just suspicious behavior which even he could not argue with. Surely he respects your relationship enough to not feel threatened by the question.

I've been married just 10 years. From the get go and quite unexpectedly I'll ask to speak to whatever buddy my husband says he is out with. He'll gamely hand the phone over. I've asked him things point blank (but not when I'm horribly upset) and I know the instant he replies wether there is anything to what he says or not. My husband can't hide things from me. Even when I don't ask and he doesn't tell I KNOW when there's something wrong, bugging him, or pulling him down. I may not know what it is and he sometimes doesn't always know either but I can read him. Isn't this how it is for most?

It's your right to check up on him just as it's his right to check up on you. I'd hope yours wouldn't resent your asking or be hurt by it, although I have no real idea how everyone else's spouse feels about that.

I've warned my husband before to be careful around those young things at work because he was so good looking and I just didn't trust THEM. (Trust HIM completely but not THEM.) He gets a kick out of it- pleases his ego and the warning gets across.

In our marriage too I pretty much decided that with us almost anything goes behind closed doors with the exception of NEVER bringing in another person and keeping all things consentual between us. Another words both of us have to agree to something. I did a lot of thinking and praying even on it all. My husband is in the Army and some of the stories my husband has shared about the other husbands on duty with him horrify me! Something about their uniform helps them hook up and many do so freely despite being married.

However, long ago when my husband expressed a tentative desire to see a trash movie I said Ok. We'll watch together. He was tempted to go to a strip club once. I said OK-we'll go together. Porn on the internet-OK-we'll do it together. IN that way he sees if he's missing anything but he's got me right by his side and it becomes a shared experience together and in every instance we find nothing compares with what we already have.

If he wants to go to some cabaret and he's out with the guys he knows how I'd feel about it and he doesn't go. Sometimes he does ask if he can and I gently remind him that I'd prefer he did not but that if he really wants to go he knows he can WITH me. But then he just WANTS me instead so it has worked out well for us.

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W.B.

answers from Dallas on

Read the writing on the wall.....Why's a grown married man need a facebook page unless he's marketing himself? I will help you out baby girl, whats his profile name? I will be glad to contact him & see what's up for you & report back to you.

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M.

answers from Dallas on

Stacey,

I talked to my hubby about this, and he has a friend who was in a similar situation. My hubby says your hubby is definitely stepping out and you should trust your instincts. Having an email account you don't know about, a Facebook account that he didn't invite you to be friends with him on, and especially the email about more "dates"? I'm sorry to be so harsh, but friends helping friends don't talk about them being "dates" and send the things from mystery email accounts. Cash taken out from an ATM at a motel??? How did he explain that one? I think what you have is a hubby that knows you are too trusting and that you lost your job...and that he feels he has the power/money right now and is willing to gamble. The fact he is talking to a woman/co-worker that is having marital issues is another problem. My hubby had a friend like that and he was trying to help out a woman that was in this situation and she took it wrong and ended up trying to get him to sleep with her...and ended up stalking him. I'm not trying to be debbie-downer here, but if I were you, I'd say he is cheating and you shouldn't let him manipulate you. Tell him you expect him to take you to meet these people...add you to the Facebook so you can see/talk to them...etc, but I think your instincts are on point. Good luck!

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S.B.

answers from Dallas on

Let me start by saying that I have had 5 affairs over my 10 year marriage. I used the exact same excuses for 3 of them that I was taking them out to help them with a failed marriage. Now, my husband found out about all of them. He found out about the first one 7 years ago and he just found out about the others about 7 months ago. One thing you absolutely have to realize is that it is most of the time not about being unhappy with the spouse or even really being that attracted to the affair. There is a problem within that probably started before they ever got married. Luckily I have an awesome husband whose parents taught him that everyone is an individual and makes mistakes including yourself so forgive and find the root problem and help the individual. I know that is hard to do when you're married but you have to remember that he is an individual and fighting his own battles. Well, we found a great seminar that dealt with the root of each person's thinking and actions. It is based on forgiving other people and forgiving yourself for anything and everything. There are things in your past that you think you've dealt with and maybe you have in your own way but when you deal with them God's way it is gone for good. My husband went to the 1st phase without me because I wasn't ready and then I followed him the 2nd round. It is call The Road Adventure in Richardson and it saved my marriage. ###-###-####. Again just step back and see him as any other person that is not married to you that is having personal struggles. He needs help and he needs to deal with what is making him make those choices. Mine was attention and needing to control something.

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L.H.

answers from Dallas on

I'm so sorry that you're having to worry about this. I'd talk to him about it. I would want to talk about him counseling her on marital issues. That is really inappropriate for a man to be counseling a woman privatley about that. I'd tell him that is not acceptable. It's not that you're not trusting. It's not something he should be doing. He's crossing a line.

You could wait and see his response to that or you could just confront him with everything. If you don't think he would be honest with everything I would wait on the confrontation and follow him around a bit.

If you confront him and he does not plan on being honest, he'll just be more careful.

Also, depending on your relationship type and how much you trust him...I think I'd actually confront my husband this way: "honey, I'm sure you don't want to make me uncomfortable, but I need to tell you that I'm insecure in our marriage right now. You hanging out with your co-worker and sending her e-mails gets my imagination going. I need you to tell me with a clear yes or no if there is an issue there-kissing-sex-affection. ANSWER (NO) I know you care that I would even fear for this. I'm sure you'll try to keep your space from her and make it clear to me that I have nothing to worry about."

Men respond better to "helping you" than fixing something wrong with them.

I hope you're wrong. Best wishes.
L.

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K.S.

answers from Dallas on

S.

My first husband cheated on me and believe me you just know...go with what you feel because you are probably right, he is cheating. They really think they are cleaver and can get away with it but it usually doesn't take long to figure it out. You have enough "evidence" to show what is going on. A married man does not have "dates" with co-workers and they do not stay out late to discuss her marital problems...doesn't she have a mother or girlfriends to talk to????

Don't waste your time in denial. Face what is going on and deal with it. Life is to short and you should be happy!!

Good Luck
K.

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K.A.

answers from Dallas on

Hi S.,
I think you should trust your instincts and communicate with your husband. I've been married for 21 yrs. My husband and I have a great relationship. If the occasion arises, we talk to troubled friends of the opposite sex together. The possibility of temptation is too great. I trust him and he trusts me, but we aren't fools. If your husband is really trying to help a coworker he should not object to your imput. Most wives aren't so trusting for a reason! Men cheat for sex and how the "other woman" makes him feel. Don't be naive. If he needs to feel like a hero let him know his marriage may be the thing that needs saving. Good Luck.
Kat
I'm a sahm with 4 children ages 16,14,12,& 10 married to a wonderful man for 21 yrs.

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H.B.

answers from Dallas on

Whether he is or isn't I couldn't tell you, but if he isn't you certainly don't want to accuse him wrongly; that could be devastating to your marriage. I'm guessing you've seen his facebook page if you can see the friends he has on it. Does he have it set up for anyone to look at or only if you are his friend? Do you have a facebook account? If not, you should get one and spend a couple of days adding some friends to it and making a few posts back and forth to them. Then send your husband the invite to be your friend. You can also in your profile list that you are married and put his name as your spouse; it will say he has to approve that. Then he will have 2 notices through facebook from you. If he is hiding something on there, he is going to be stuck between a rock and a hard place; he can't just ignore you...but if he adds you as a friend, you'll be able to see his page.
As far as counseling a coworker about her marriage goes...that is not acceptable or professional. People should never bring their personal problems into the workplace, at least not those kind of problems. It is not appropriate and you should tell him it's not his place to do that. He has his own family and marriage to worry about. If that woman needs comfort or counseling about her marriage, she should get it from her own husband, mother, sister, or best friend, not another woman's husband. My husband stayed out late one night after a graduate class a few years ago to do the same thing and I nipped that in the bud real quick. This may have even be about a year before we were married. His classmate never made it a secret that she thought the world of him!
I would ask him flat out about the atm receipts. You shouldn't make an accusation out of it but that is not something you should be afraid to ask about. I would just hand him the receipt and say "Why were you getting money out of a hotel atm? When were you in a hotel?"
You can also look through bank statements and credit card statements to see if anything looks fishy and look through his cell phone calls. If your bill doesn't list them all then call the phone company and ask for itemized billing if your name is on the account. If not, try to look at his phone when he leaves it out sometime.
I know it's hard when you suspect something, you teeter on a line between paranoia and suspicion, not wanting to be duped, but not wanting to wrongly accuse a man you love and want so badly to trust. Good luck and I hope you find that everything is well!

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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

This would be my number 1 question to him: WHY on Earth are you staying out late with some woman to talk about HER MARITAL problems???
What business is it of his? If she has marital problems, she needs to go with HER husband to counseling, not to bars with married men! Jeeze.
Or maybe she isn't married and your husband made that up to make it look "innocent"?
Hmmm. Whatever the case, I would certainly be more than a little upset if I were in your shoes. It's time to lay down the law,S.. Don't turn a blind eye.

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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

He may not be having a full-blown "affair." Maybe he just needs friends outside your relationship to sustain different parts of his personality.

I would listen to the fact that your "radar" is going off though, and just pay attention to what's going on. If he's getting what he needs at home, he may not ever seek that out with other women.

Good luck to you.

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A.J.

answers from Dallas on

Girl, I dont know what to say other than I would keep a close eye on that.

It does not sound good to me. I would check it out for sure.

A. J

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A.

answers from Dallas on

You have been far too nice up to this point, I would not have been so accepting! Those "little dates" are what get people in trouble!! The woman with marraige problems need a girl friend, not him..it is just not proper! Most wives would not be so trusting as he put it, because there is a reason not to trust!! Go with your gut for sure!! As it has been said before, it is cheating if he is saying or doing anything with another woman that he would not say or do if you were in the room! Be tough, and get some answers. It will be hard, but you can do it!! Good luck to you!!

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S.S.

answers from Dallas on

S. I really feel for you, but when I read your post, the first thing that jumped out at me is the fact that he has secrets. There is no reason why someone would keep something secret if it really is purely innocent. That doesn't automatically mean he's cheating, but it could definitely mean he's on a slippery slope. I don't think you're being insecure, but I would tell him that if his female friend really needs help, he can either tell her to call YOU AND ONLY YOU, or tell her to get a new mentor.
I firmly believe that women should confide in women, and men to men. This may sound old fashioned but I am only 26. It's just that I've seen this fuel so many affairs. And let me tell you this, going out for drinks plus bashing your ex husband to a male friend is a recipe for disaster!!! I can just hear it now. She could very well be saying to him "If I was ever so fortunate to be with a handsome, strong, man who was so sucessful at work and so smart like you, I'd just devote my whole life to pleasing you...." (puke)
I'm not trying to scare you, but encourage you to get a grip on this wind storm before it becomes a tornado!!!! Don't give up your man without a fight!!!
Also I'd show some serious confidence! I don't konw what your finances will allow(since you just lost your job) but I'd scrape some money together and go get my hair done very differently (if you're blond, go brown or vice versa) and a new cut, don't tell him you're doing it, then put on a sexier outfit than you'd normally wear and some killer heels and strut into his office unannounced, go sit on his desk in front of him and kiss him passionately. Let evey woman in that office know that he is TAKEN. Then I'd go introduce myself to the other woman and just look her square in the eye with a confidant smile and say "I'm so sorry for what you are going thru, you poor dear!"
It's just a power play. You've stuck with him for 15 years. The good, the bad, the ups , the downs. Let her know that if she's even THINKING of making a move on him, she's gonna have a fight on her hands!!
Good luck

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C.A.

answers from Dallas on

He may be completely telling the truth (although, it sounds like he is not) but he is still acting in a way not becoming of a married man who loves and respects his wife. In my opinion, perception is almost as important as the action itself. He should, and probably does, know better. It is never a good idea to put yourself in that type of situation especially when one of the involved parties is having problems in their own marriage.

As hard as it is, I would just come out with it and tell him that you are upset with his actions as calmly and rationally as you can. I would then insist on some type of couples counseling to work on both of your issues.

I really hope this works out for you.

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H.B.

answers from Dallas on

S., I am so sorry. Your instincts are right on, they always are. You just have to listen. I would suggest coming right out and telling your husband that you know. If you ask him, he will probably just lie. Also, if you want to be able to work it out, don't go sneaking through everything-you already know. Just confront him but, do prepare yourself financially for whatever may come. As a person who has forgiven someone for cheating, it took years to actually forgive and I never forgot. I am happy that we worked it out though and it has not happened again.

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A.C.

answers from Dallas on

S., I can't give my opinion one way or another, but my only advice is to TALK TO HIM, and do it sooner rather than later. Don't let it fester in you. Find out now before you jump to any more conclusions, and so you can start either healing the relationship or moving on. Good luck.

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C.F.

answers from Dallas on

They had this show on tv the other day about how to know when your husband is cheating on you and one of the things was accounts that you've never heard of. I would admit to him that you're not as secure as you'd like to be and explain why. Let him know that he cannot hide anything from you, that way he doesn't think, "My wife is stupid, I can get away with this as long as I want to", just is case he is. Open communication is part of a healthy marriage, even if you think it would make you seem insecure. It takes a secure woman to talk about her deep feelings to her husband.

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C.C.

answers from Dallas on

You're seeing the signs. Check him out, even if it means you start visiting the ATM a little often for some P.I. work. HEY!! Call Cheaters or drop by for a visit. Their office location is in Dallas on Mockingbird Lane east of Highway 75. They'll catch him if anyone can.

He's hiding something. He's spending something. He's socializing with someone. He's spending time somewhere. What? Who? When? Why? How?--well by means of a car, time and the ATM machine. If it ain't on or with you, it's a humdinger of an explanation he'll be giving you.

No joke.

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E.T.

answers from Dallas on

where there's smoke, there's usually fire. check his cell phone habits and texting habits. download them into excel and use a pivot table to see trends and habits on frequently called numbers. then take those numbers, go back to the detail and see what days/times the calls are going/coming. I bet you'll see it's when you weren't around...

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