Not Knowing What to Do

Try a book called 1-2-3-Magic. It talks about disciplining using time out, taking priviledges, and using positive re-inforcement for all ages of children. It really helped me reduce my frustration and anger about discipline and put the responsibility on the child to fix their behavior. My children dramatically changed within 2 weeks. You just have to be consistent.

I would take him to a pediatric development specialist at Children's hospital, they can tell if he is behind how to get help and local groups. I love the Dayton one they really helped me.

J.,

Know that just because your children have a rigid schedule does not make them "better" or "ahead" of the other boy, just different. Flexibility is an asset, too, over always following a strict regimen and then falling to pieces when it is interrupted. That said, I would suggest that children are very observant and adaptable. As the saying goes, "When in Rome, do as the Romans." Thus, when this child is in your care in your home with your children, he should follow the rules and routine that you have. You already feel he is one of your own, so treat him accordingly. When it is time to do something, explain to him what is happening and tell him he is expected to participate in the activity, too.

Best wishes,
K.

Since it's more than just a once in a while visit, I think you need to have everyone understand that while he is with you he needs to follow your house rules. So while he is under your care, he will sit for the meal, take a nap or whatever you think is best, and if he is at your house at bedtime, he needs to get ready for bed and maybe play quietly, so it doesn't disturb your own children's routine.

The parents may find it amazing that he listens and has a schedule for you and when he gets to his home, he'll revert to his own unschedule. But you need to keep your house the way you want it for your children.

Take some advice from the moms that watch children in their homes. I haven't watched kids on a regular basis, but when I do have kids over that have similar situations to what you describe, I try to get the child to follow what I lead and I'll even say, "Well in our house everyone sits at the table for a meal." Well, at our house, we don't watch Cartoon Network. etc.

I suggest that you stick to your house rules and stick to your schedule. Give him a little time to get used to house rules, but he should have to follow the plan when he is at your house. If you chose not to give him the same rules, this could be disruptive to your children and make them wonder why the other child gets "special" rules.
Kids learn quickly and he will see that it is fair that all the children do the same things, stick to the same schedule. As far as disciplining him, I would give a little leeway, but if he is hurting others or himself, doing dangerous things, etc., I would definitely give a time out and talk to him about why this behavior is not acceptable.

In a similar situation, I watched my neighbors children who were 1 1/2 and 4. They too were raised in a much more relaxed household with few rules which didn't fly with me. The parents knew how I parented before we agreed I would watch them. Their children had the same rules as mine when they were in my care. We all ate at the same time, cleaned up together, shared play time and when it was time for a nap, it was time for a nap. Things ran smoothly for some time. Kids need and crave rules as well as rewards. Discipline can only be a time out. One minute for each year of age. After that you need to bring it up to Mom or Dad when the child is picked up. They are the enforcers. If you find after 6-8 weeks things aren't improving have documentation to back up just how many times you have approached them regarding the issues and give them an ultimatum, shape up or ship out. Bottom line is you can't let the good you have done with your children be undone, especially by an outsider.

Talk to your friend. What are her expectations? She may really respect and admire you and your kids, and the way they behave. She may want your guidance.
Then, let her know that for peace, harmony, and consistency...the rules in your home are not going to change to accomodate him. He needs to be taught there are consequences for unacceptable behavior. Set the same limits on him that you do your children. You must do that, or your own kids will begin to mimic him! I know from experience!!!
The big thing is you getting the support of his parent(s). If they are not on board with you - then they need to find different child care.

J.,

Some children have a difficult time with the kind of structure routine that your children seem to thrive on. Take a look at T. Barry Brazelton's book that explains the different kinds of temprements in children. He can't change this hard wiring, but that said, he should be able to adapt and find a happy medium while he is in your household, espcially if you guide him lovingly and with kindness. He may not sleep, but should try and have something else to do if he can't but he should learn to do it quietly, etc. You can find ways to help him cope with the structure in your home.

As for not listening, children have an uncanny way of setting us all straight when we say that once they learn the sublelties of language! If you mean that he does not hear, suggest that Mom gets his hearing checked, if you mean that he ignores what you say (and you are sure that he heard and processed the information, and the information was developmentally within his grasp) that should be delt with as a behavioral issue which is not out of the ordinary for a child his age. If you mean that he misses what you say and you have to say it over and over to get his attention, then he did not hear you so he could not listen, and that could be a developmental concern that should be watched carefully. Two and a half is a little young to worry about a child who is distracted. Get down on his level, and touch him to get his attention before you speak, and tell his Mom to keep an eye on him for other developmental milestones so that she can catch anything that may be an issue early.

If you are worried, have the Mom contact Help me Grow (www.ohio.gov) and they can help her decide if the child is developing appropriately. She needs to do that quick, the cut off is age 3!

If you're taking care of the child.......they should have to go by your rules and guidelines. I guess maybe that should have been discussed ahead of time. Sounds like there are no boundaries at home for him. Children NEED boundaries! Two sets of rules will NOT work.......for anyone.

I'd talk to his parents and see where they stand. Explain that if he's going to be at your house, he needs to follow the same rules that your kids do and you are looking to them to back you up on this change.

My best advice, for what it's worth, is to use the phrase, "In our house, we follow our rules," to the boy, to the parents, and to yourself. You have the right to enforce your rules for the good of your own family. The parents should know and understand what your rules are, also. From my experiences with toddlers, they are quickly adaptable. As far as discipline goes, you should follow what you do with your own children, but talk to the parents if there is a chance they would not agree with your methods. A time-out in a boring place for a couple of minutes, then a quiet talk afterwards is a pretty safe bet. I would agree with another responder that likely this boy will begin to follow what he sees your own children doing.

As far as the lack of a bedtime, there's not much you can do about that unless you are putting him to bed. His lack of sleep will certainly affect his behavior. But in you house, a required nap may be part of your rules.

In my home, my rules apply to all the other little people who come into our lives. We have structure and we follow rules. If we follow rules at home, then my son will learn to follow them also in other places. We have set times for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack, playtime, and bedtime and so forth. We eat in certain places such as the dining table and we watch TV in the family room. We put our clothes in drawers and we try to be organized. We are no means perfect. We are not rigid and we do bend. If other little people come into my home, they are expected to follow our rules w/ some exceptions of course. Things can be changed and altered. I do explain this to the parent/friend/neighbor etc and tell them what I expect. If the parent does not like this, then this may not be the place for their child to be - left. This is their decision and no hard feelings towards the parent. Your friends have to respect you and your values, rules, etc in your home and you do in their home. You have to make this clear from day. Children learn to adapt quickly by learning that their are consequences to not following rules. Example if you do not eat with us (even a little) then you will not get anything till snacktime or dinner etc. Believe me, the child learns to go along very quickly and the parents who care about you will care what you are asking and saying. Good Luck, I hope it helps..

Change takes time. He will learn that there are rules at your house to follow, even if they are not at home and will behave at your house. It will take a long time, it will take time outs, and a reward. Children thrive off of schedules and boundaries. They push boundaries and this helps them to learn and expand. Start with simple most pertenant rules for safety and work up from there.
My sister recently starting watching a 4 y/o and almost 2 y/o. She is going through a lot of the same. At the old sitters they would sit in front of the tv all day and allowed to eat whatever they asked for...pop, chips, candy and it didn't matter if they had acutal meals. They didn't respond to the word no at all. The 2 year old wasn't even taking naps anymore because he would throw a fit and the sitter would let him up. Now, after just 3 weeks, they still have some behavior problems, but they take naps and eat on a regular schedule. It's amazing what just small boundaries and schedule can do to for young children.
Best of luck!

Dear J.,
Your expectations should be that during the time that you are caring for this little boy that your house rules and parenting principles apply.
In other words, when he is in your home, he abides by your schedules and rules.
This is the best thing that you can do for him....to expose him to the structure and supervision that every child craves.
Structure and supervision give children the opportunity to be children, not to have to wonder about what is going to happen next or worry about making decisions for themselves when they should be playing and learning about the world around them.
Your concern and love for him show.
Don't be afraid to "make him one of your own" when he is sharing your family!

know any better make him fHe dosen't ollow your rules. I took care of Three childern for 3 years, they also wasn't well behave I had they doing what they needed to do in a week or two now they are great kids you need to help him /her learn to go to bed at a certian time, make him eat I use to sit the kids down at the table and they couldn't get up till they ate at less half their food soon they soon was eating everything good luck

J.,

When my kids are at my parent's house they go by my parents rules - basically you need to let him know that in your house things are different and there are different rules that he needs to follow. As long as you are consistent with him he will start to go by your rules. As far as disciplining goes ask his mother what she is comfortable with and go from there. Disciplining another person's child is a very touchy situation, but you need to have some form of discipline for him so open up a conversation with his mother regard how she disciplines him.

Good luck and God bless,
Mel