Nanny Needs Advice About Disciplining Kids.

I worked in a store where the moms all had nannies and when they shopped they brought the nannies. The kids listened to their nanny's and never pushed the envelope. With their mother's however, they were rotten. Which tells me the nanny disciplined them. Perhaps try one last time, and tell parents you are preparing him for good behavior when he starts school. If they don't follow through, then discipline him when you are with him, in the end the parents will be grateful.

"Discipline" in its purest form means teaching. When the example set by nurturing adults is strong, positive, and respectful, kids will turn out strong, positive, and respectful. They learn far more through imitation than through any amount of verbal instruction or punishment.

It sounds like you're already doing a lot of things right. A bit of expert coaching might help you reach the next level of excellence.

I strongly suggest you get yourself a copy of the fabulous little book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It won't conflict with anything the parents do, and the wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again. We use these techniques with my 4.5yo grandson, because they work brillliantly.

One example: Physical rewards and charts for good behavior are not nearly as effective as when adults remark with calm admiration when they see the child do something positive. Examples are, "I noticed how carefully you put that together." or, "That was hard to do, but you kept trying until you did it!" or, "It felt so good when you told me thank you." or, "Hmm, how did you figure that out?" or, "I see a boy who picked up his game without being asked." or, "You chose your outfit today? I like those colors together." or, "I'll bet you can figure out a good way to do this – will you please help me?"

Think about how great you feel when people notice your efforts. Kids love that, too, and are motivated to get more of it. This is only one of several tips and techniques available in this wonderful book. There are ways to get the child involved in solving his own problems, ways to present your needs to him so that he can recognize and respond positively, ways to find "natural" consequences for mistakes, and more.

Using this book has eliminated the need for virtually all punishment or "correction" from my grandson's life. He'll occasionally take himself into a sort of time out when he needs to get his emotions under control, but that is his choice. He's polite and cheerful, and super-motivated to be part of a family team, because he understands the family is on his side. I think you'll agree that How To Talk/Listen could be the best investment you've ever made when it comes to working with kids.

You should talk to the parents and tell them what you told us = that you want to work as a team. Tell them you want to come to an agreement about how they would like YOU to teach their son things like cleaning up. Tell them you are looking for suggestions and advice. Ask them what YOU should do when if misbehaves like when he yells at you.

Write down one day everything, situations that you are put in where you are not sure what to do and then show them the list. Have them give you simple instructions on what they would like you to do.

I'm really surprised they would have you watch their children but not give you guidelines on how to handle situations. Especially being that you spend a great deal of time with them.

IMO though a 3 year old is kind of young to expect them to get involved in a project for too long. If you 2 are painting and he is done after 30 seconds, that's o.k. You continue painting and making it fun. Tell a story about your painting to get him interested. Don't just have paint available. Get some glue, glitter, stickers, foam faces you can glue on the paper...stuff like that.

Rewards for kids that young don’t have to be something tangible. It can be you clapping, giving high fives, big hugs and just saying “great job. I’m so proud of you!”

Again he is only 3 so even though they don’t follow through with reminding him to say please or thank you, YOU can. My son is 4 and there are still times I have to remind him to say thank you but rarely now. Repition is key with kids. They will get it in time as long as YOU keep reminding them.

When my son used to yell at me I would ignore him until he could talk to me properly. Condition him like that. It might work for you too. By the way it IS natural for a 3 year old to test the limits, but as long as you guide him on how to behave he will outgrow the behavior. Be patient.

When cleaning up sing the clean up song with him “clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up everybody do your share” dance and wiggle while singing it. He’ll likely want to join in.

From one nanny to another....
Are the parents there the whole time? Why can't you discipline him? You absolutely can do time outs with him, he is plenty old enough. He is also smart enough to know that when he is with you he will obey you and when he is with mom and dad he can misbehave. I know because I have been in your shoes.
If his parents are not home when you are nannying that you are the disciplinarion and the reward chart. I personally do not reward good behavior, you are expected to behave appropriately. Lots of hugs and high 5's for good behavior. No cookies or candy. that's crazy.
And then you let him know what is expected of him when you are there. You give gentle reminders about please and thank you's. You don't even give him what he is asking for until he says please. As you hand it to him you say "thank you"....if he doesn't you take it back and repeat.
Yes, it would be lovely if the parents got on your side as well, but sometimes they just don't. So, at least make it easy on yourself. For the hours that YOU have him, he will behave!
L.

My sister is a nanny too. The first family she worked with did not start disciplining their oldest boy until he was old enough for K-4. The boy was so bad, that he actually got kicked out of a private school K-4 because of behavior. He ended up in a public K-4 that is obviously not allowed to kick him out no matter the behavior. The younger boy was a baby when my sister started working for them and the older boy was already in a half day preschool program (where he stayed in trouble and the parents often got called to pick him up early). The baby was great until about 18 months when he really needed a definate start on discipline. My sister would discipline with time-out for bad behavior or popping his hands for pinching and hitting in addition on time out. He learned quickly that he had to obey or he would be in trouble. About the time he turned 2, he started digressing. My sister often stayed a half hour after the parents got home to visit. She watched as he turned into a monster the minute they came in the door. Hitting them in the face, pinching, biting etc. and they would do nothing more than redirect him. When he would start mistreating my sister in their presence, she would discipline him. And he would straighten up. The mother would say. You made that looks so easy, I guess I should start disciplining him too but he is still my baby. She never did start disciplining them while my sister worked for them. She began to see what was wrong with the older boy. He had never been disciplined.

She is with another family now and the kids are very disciplined. What a difference.

I babysit my grandchildren (boy 5, girl 3) regularly and they know what they can and can not do in my home. When their mother comes to pick them up it used to result in a screaming, kicking horror show. I didnt want to interfere with her discipline or lack of it, since I figured she didnt want to be mean after being away from them all day. I mentioned guilt feelings to her in sort of a joking way. Then the day after a really bad blow up I had a chat with the kids. I told them how mean they were being to Mommy after she worked hard all day to buy them nice things. A few minutes before she was due to come I sat them down and told them if they cried or carried on for their mother we were NOT absolutely NOT going to the park or lake the next day. Well they had a tantrum and the next day we sat in the house, no park, no lake, no nothing. I then reminded them before mom got there to behave or we would not go anywhere the next day either. They were little angels, hugged her, put their shoes on, kissed me goodbye and got into their car seats without a peep. And that was the last tantrum they had. SO mom (DIL) wondered the other day why they always scream at HER mothers house but never at mine. I smiled and shrugged.

You said that they asked you to help with the discipline in the beginning so it doesn't sound like they don't want you to discipline, just sounds like they don't want to have to do it?
My best friend is a nanny and has other babysitting jobs in the evenings. One family she described reminds me of your situation. Those children have learned that when my friend is there they are to behave, but have no discipline from their parents. Children can learn there are different expectations depending on where they are and who is in charge. My step-daughter learned at an early age that her mother's house has different rules than our house does, and she adjusted to that very well. Just like in adult life - we know there are different expectations at work than at a party. You have an opportuntity to impact these children's lives to at least try to make them well-adjusted adults, even if their parents don't want to.
If you want to use a star chart, bring one with you every day and bring it home at night, do time-outs, teach him he doesn't get anything from you without a "please" first... i'm sure it will be much more difficult without the consistency of his parents, but i know from my friend's success that it is possible!
Maybe if you start to make progress and see success it will be easier to get the parents on board by showing them how a little work can make life so much easier for everyone in the long run!

Are the parents interested in your discipline techniques or are they too "super tired" at the end of the day to deal with it? I'm not a nanny myself, but my friend is and she has a hard time like you b/c she follows through and sets rules, but the mother feeds the kids M&M's for breakfast and lets them do whatever they want. The kids know the difference--they are well behaved with the nanny and crazy whenever the mom is around.

I don't know your age, but if you are younger, I imagine that plays a part in your comfort level of telling them what you think they should be doing. You could approach them starting out with something like, "my friends who are parents tried ..." or "the child development book _____ that I'm reading mentions..." --that can give some more authority to your voice. Do they have child development books around the house? Perhaps ask if they "saw the page/chapter on..." and ask them what they think the right thing to do is? (That presumes that they know better, but are just too tired--by asking them, they offer the suggestion themselves and have more ownership/buy-in to participating in doing it the right way)

I'm going to presume that the parents have good intentions and want the kid to behave for the "right" reasons, rather than for bribes. You can help them see the difference between "discipline" and "behavior management" or "bribes" and "incentives" (it's how and when you use/offer them).

Good luck! The effort you put into this will be well worth it for the kids and for your sanity too!

... you are working for that family.
have they explicitly told you NOT to use rewards or discipline for their child?
I would ask them... then you will have a concrete answer.

Then there is teaching a child and having to mind the child in your care.
So, how the heck do they expect you to do that... if they do not allow you to do anything remotely constructive, per his bad behavior?
Tell them this in a diplomatic way.

They are really doing a disservice to their son, as you see. And he will be immature... as he gets older... and his behavior will no longer be 'cute'... but become a real "behavioral" problem once he enters school.
That is their problem.

Work and personal feelings... are separate.

You need to get it even in writing perhaps, about what they 'expect' or want you to do or not.
To "Mommy" their child and mind him... or just be his "watcher."
AND they do NOT follow-up nor support you in the routes you take to groom their child for being well behaved.
So... either continue on with them... or not.
Or, you really have to have a sit down meeting with them... and diplomatically... explain what is going on.

Sure, the boy is "only" 3... but at this age... they need and should be... 'learning' and being 'taught' BASIC manners in the least... and respect... and rules.

There is also a difference... between "rewards" and praise....

all the best,
Susan

This is a very interesting question and let me applaud you for caring for these children and trying to do what the children need. I am a mother of three and we have a nanny (part-time) and I have had some issues with her regarding discipline. First, she began to institute her own form of discipline without consulting me, but simply told me that that's how it would be done. When I made it clear that we do not use that form of discipline and she needed to use our form (whether she agreed with it or not) so there is consistency in the kid's lives, she agreed. I found out later she continued to do it her way and had to be corrected. I felt as though she had stepped over her boundaries as a nanny and it made me feel like I was not doing a good enough job as a mom that someone had to come in and take care of it. I have been insulted, annoyed and downright angry at her at times for overstepping and "taking over" our household. You may ask why we continue to use her. 1. The children are safe in her care; 2. They have fun; and 3. She is a friend and I have found that we CAN work together if we communicate honestly what needs to happen. The reason I tell you all this is that it's possible that the parents feel the same way, whether that is your intention or not. It's also possible that they recognize that you are better with their own children then they are and resent that. It could be why they thwart your efforts, as it's the only sense of control they can have over their children whom you are essentially raising. My honest opinion is to go to them (not over email or phone, in person), let them know how much you love and care for them as a family and that you appreciate your role as an extension of the family and you feel blessed that they have welcomed you into their home and entrusted you with their children. Then be honest with them. Tell them that you need some advice and tools on how best to discipline the children. It's quite possible they have never even thought of it. Tell them that you find it difficult during the day becuase there is no follow through from them, or the form is different and the child gets confused. If you have certain tools you would like to use, present those to them, agree on it and ask if they are on board to do it as well. Also ask if they prefer that you continue in your role when they are home or if your nanny/discipline role should stop once they are home. Oh, and three years old is PLENTY old enough to be disciplined. You sound like a wonderful nanny and I hope the whole "team" can listen and understand eachother's perspective and needs knowing that it's in the best interest of the children. One last thing ;) have this conversation when the kids are not around, it will go much more smoothly. Good luck to you!

I would talk to them and let them know you would like to sit down with both parents to talk about the boy. Hopefully when they agree you can let them know of your concern in the area of disciplining their boy. They are not being fair to you in asking you initially to help provide age appropriate- discipline when you are caring for the children, but then are not consistent at all as parents which is a huge challenge for you and the boy. Their counter-mining anything you do to help the child learn how to behave behave and learn is lost, how frustrating for you, Soon without discipline, some structure and love this boy will be a real mess and likely be a spoiled brat. I would have this talk soon and if you and they can't get on the same page as you think they need to be on with this I would begin looking for another family to nanny for. You know you will be blamed for his behavior if it gets ugly in the future. As a caregive, you are in a tough spot. Hope this helps. You sound like a caring and wonderfu nanny. Good luck with this.

Bring it up again with the parents that you believe you are an extension of them and you believe he should be disciplined or at least have some structure and come to a compromise as to what they are ok with. Give them a list of suggestions and let them choose which one they are comfortable with. Also provide some structure for the child so that he has a routine instead of just play, etc. That way, even if you cannot reward for good behavior, you are teaching him discipline in the form of a schedule. I think they might be concerned about over indulging the boy with stuff he doesn't need, and "spoiling" him, so just come together with them and discuss what is acceptable and what is not. The chart being on the fridge may not necessarily be that they are against the reward system, it could mean they just don't want that stuff on their fridge. So try suggesting putting it somewhere else, in his room or whatever. Also, he is just 3, so positive re-inforcement and redirection goes a long way instead of "treating" him with stuff. Hope that helps