Not Happy.............

I feel exactly the same way! Me and my husband fight over EVERYTHING! I can NEVER do anything right. Everything has to be his way. He gets mad at me for everything whether its my fault or not. don't feel so bad about just fighting about money. It could be worse. I don't know what to do either. just wanted to touch base with ya and let you know you are not alone. Sorry i couldn't give any advice. i need some help myself.

Hi C.,
Just want you to know that i have been there. And i have wanted to walk out the door myself. But what has helped us is that we were introdudced to a Financial Peace class at my church. They will be offering another one in the fall, but in the meantime Try the book the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. Try asking your husband to sit down and do the budget with you. If he won't then say you will give him what they call Blow money to spend any way that he wants to and give him full control of that. And make one for yourself. It will make him feel much better and the fights of money will decrease or stop.
I introduced the books to a friend of mine. And it has changed her life. She was so glad that i told her about it. As far as the sex goes. Tell him that you love him but you are feeling neglected and you don't feel like you get enough attention from him and things will start changing. I told my husband and he came home the next day and cut a rose from our rose bush and brought it to me. And since then sex has been more frequent and he has given me more attention. Also tell him that you reconize that he works hard to support you and your son and that you love him. Also Try giving him a big hug and kiss when he walks in the door from work. And things will start changing. Remember when you were dating. Try some of those things. I hope i have helped you some and if you would like to chat more. Then just e-mail me at ____@____.com
Good Luck!!! Let me know how things go.
T. H.

I've been married for 10 years and we have 2 kids. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that men are extremely simple creatures. They literally have no idea when something is bothering us. What you need to do is RATIONALLY AND CALMLY explain your issues with him. We tend to bottle up our problems and then explode and they think we've gone mad or something and then it seems like WE'RE the ones with the problems. Seriously, if you need to write it all out on paper first that would be a good idea too. Then he'll clearly understand you've gone to a lot of work and take you seriously. You might even need to explain it to him as if you're talking to a four-year-old. Also, remember marraige is teamwork. Tell him that. It's not give and take...it's give and give. If it were 50 - 50, and each spouse needed to take 50, you'd be left with nothing. It's really 100 - 100. Each of you needs to give 100%. It is a lot of hard work. Communication is key but you also need to be able to lean on one another.

if you figure this problem out please let me know! you are not alone i have the same problem with my husband. ive been married 20 yrs. we have sex problly 1x in 6 months. it sucks and i am always wanting to walk out but hate to lose 20 yrs. so i hope we get help.

C.,
I want to start by saying I wish you well..
Your situation is not uncommon. Men only see either black or white there is no in between for them. You say one thing and they hear another. Since we are women and are naturally caring and loving we see things in between. You have to try to find a medium with your husband speak a language that he understands. You know him better then you think..If you think that if you say something the wrong way try saying it in a way the HE understands. I know you heard the saying that money is the root of all evil..oh how true..money can make or break any relationship. Try to help him to understand what he is doing may not necessarily be ok for the moment. He may think that he works really hard(never mind that you work 24/7) so when he want to spend some money on himself then its fine. But you are thinking that the money can be spent on a bill. How about try compromising with him..maybe one pay period he pay some bills and something for himself, then the next pay period is strictly for the home. Try to think before you speak, and try speaking when its more conveient for him. I say this becase if he works like that then on his down time he wants to relax, maybe you can relax beside him and have small talk...
Hopfully things will work out for you...Marriage is something that is more difficult to work out then actually going to a 9-5..
Good Luck...please keep us updated..

I wish you the best. I want to respond but I can't without it sounding negative. You can't turn someone into a good husband...ya gotta marry a good one. There seems to be no respect or love.

Hi C. D.,

I'm the mother of two boy's ages 20 and 23 yrs of age. When our kids were growing up, I had the same problem. I would tell my husband what I needed to pay the bills and I would always get less. Then, he would fuss at me and say it was me who was not paying the bills. At one point I went to see a lawyer and started filling papers. I than came home and told him he was going to pay his own bills and handed him all the bills and the checkbook. He told me he was not going to pay bills that was my job. So, I then told him that I was filling for divorce. He, then changed his mind in a hurry. I, then found out that he was drinking away all our money and was now an alcoholic. I then told him that had to quit drinking are else. My husband wanted nothing to do with our boys when they were growing up and now that they are older they don't want anything to do with him. We are still together and I pay the bills again and there is no arguing about money anymore.

M. D.

Hello,
don't be too discouraged. No man is perfect. They all have flaws and issues. Im in a similar situation. My husband pays his bills, i pay mine (including my vehicle), we split the living expenses in half. That is the way it is, and i have learned to live with it. Just try to focus on the good.

Your husband is good to your son. You also know that he loves you and cares for you. Those are things you can and should thank him for. Men are like children and puppy's. They need praise and when they feel loved and apprieciated, their behavior tends to improve. When you shut down or become angry, they do as well; which accomlishes nothing. Sometimes we, as women, need to be the bigger person and overlook the stupid things men do. Men also have a one track mind. They don't and can't see life from our prospective. They do not think that cleaning the house and caring for children is a job, because it doesn't earn money. I haven't found one man that understands that it is just as important to the balance of a marriage. Marriage is extreamly hard work, but in the end it's worth it if you can learn to compromize. Good luck.. I hope things work out for you.

Good morning C.,
I know so very well EXACTLY how you feel!!!! I am (or was) in the same boat that you are in right now. I figured that I could sit and feel sorry for myself or do something about it, so I got up from my pity party and did something I know that you may not feel like doing but it helped in my situation. I wrote my husband a love letter. I know it sounds corny, but men some times need reminding that what they do is important to us. In that letter remind him of all the things about him that made you fall head over heels for him in the first place. I reminded my husband how much fun we had when were just dating and as a new couple. Then I want you to go 72 hours without saying ONE negative thing. NOT ONE even though you're tempted to. Think of something positive to say. It wouldn't hurt to write your son a letter too reminding him how much you love him and how special he is to you. Try telling them you love them ALL THE TIME, never leave the house or their presence without letting them know this very important thing. Life is so sudden, you never know that God forbid, the last time you speak to them on any day may be the last time ever. Also choose your words wisely for this same reason. Do you want your last words to anyone to be of anger or nagging. And as far as a child goes, I'd wait until this blows over until you try that, otherwise your husband may feel as if you're trying to trap him. I hope this helps. Let me know.- God Bless!!! C. Garner

All i really can tell u is that u need to talk to him about what is going on. Tell him u really dont want to fight u just want a adult conversation, about the money, the bills and he's not helping is affect with our marriage. Just sit down and try to talk to him.

i would just focus on your guys relationship before even thinking about having another baby. yeah, it would bring the excitment and anticipation that you don't have now, but it would be so hard later. especially if he's not helping around the house. i think you should just tell him exactly how you feel, and tell him you're telling him your feelings because you want to fix things, not b/c you don't care about him. you guys have only been married 2 yrs and tension is just going to keep building up if you don't talk now. set a date to go to dinner or starbucks for coffee and talk. he needs to change his ways and help around esp. if you are working too. you also need to know how he is feeling. good luck.

Talking to him about it doesn't mean that you don't love him. It means that you love him enough to want to make sure that the lights and water stay on.
Are the things he's buying and paying for out of his paycheck needs or wants? Is it gas to go to work, or is it fishing gear? The bills have to be paid first, and IF there's money left over to play with, fine.
He works long hours, but he needs to realize that going to school, working, and taking care of a kid means that you put in just as many hours as he does; you just don't get a check for all of them. That means that both of you have to contribute around the house.
My husband and I handle finances this way. When we met, we each had a checking account. We did not combine accounts when we married; we each kept our own. I have a 17-year-old daughter fom a previos relationship. My husband is currently a full-time grad studnt, and he teaches a couple of classes each semester. What we have done ever since we moved in together is to sit down with a list of all of our sources of income and then work out who pays for what, based on who has enough money to do so. For example, he would pay the rent and the cable bill, while I paid the car insurance and electricity. Since I did most of the cooking, I did most of the grocery shopping. He and I both had bills from before we met (credit cards, etc) and each was responsible for his own. I was responsible for my daughter's expenses, but he often kicked in just because he wanted to. Any moey either of us had left after bills was ours to do with as we pleased. That was four years ago. As our situation changed (he lost his income when Katrina destroyed the school where he was teaching in New Orleans, our only vehicle died and had to be replaced, my daughter got a driver's license and an after school job, etc.), we have had to re-negotiate the budgeting, but the basic plan is the same.
Since he, my daughter, and I all have busy schedules, housework is often hard to keep up with. He is very picky about his laundry, as am I, so each of us does our own. My daughter has been responsible for her own laundry since she was twelve, not because she was picky about it, but because she was devloping the habit of letting her dirty clothes sit on her bedroom floor until she had no clean clothes left, and then bringing two weeks worth of laundry to me on Sunday night because she had nothing to wear to school the next day. You didn't say whether your son helped with housework, but there's no reason he can't. He's old enough to understand that helping to keep the house clean is the responsibility of everyone who lives there. So is your husband.
As for the sex issue, if you guys are fighting all he time, it's no wonder you don't have sex very often. Plus with the hours you both pput in, I'm sure fatigue is a factor. And I ould put off having another baby until you finish school and resolve the financial issues. Babies are expensive, and will add another stress factor to an already tense situation.

Hello C.,

I am a mother of 2. My little girl is in heaven now, and i have a son that is 8 1/2 now.
Me and my husband have been married for 9 1/2 yrs now. We used to argue alot about money. He worked a 40 hr job and was home every nite and i have always worked the 3-11 shifts so that we never had to send our son to a babysitter. So that worked out great while our son was young.But now I am able to work private care and set my own hours when i work and how much i have to work, and it's been little over a yr now that my hubby, wanted to change his job and make a better living for us. So that I could be a more stay at home mother and wife. He is know a truck driver(which pay wonderful). I can get to be home for our son always now. The only down side of this is that my hubby is only home on weekends now. But the other hand our realtionship, has turned up side down for better now, we don't argue about money anymore or bills, and our sex life is wonderful now also, guess what i'm trying to tell u that maybe u are yr hubby needs to try to change jobs, and be able to get away from each other besides just while he working, I was feeling the same way u are and my hubby talked about things and come to find out he was feeling the same way about me. So we knew deep down that we stilled loved and cared for eachother deeply but it just wasn't there, like it useed to be. But now since he has changed jobs, The love and tigles are back for both of us now. I get nervous when I know that he is almost home know on fridays like u would when u are dating like teenagers I guess u can say. Well I hope that I have made a little sense here to u. And that I story made help u out with yr realstionship also.
Thanks for listening,
J.