Negative Mom - Oak Park,IL

The things she said do not sound negative at all. Compared to what my mom says I would welcome those comments. !!!!! I mom is the most negative women I have ever met. Nothing tastes good, no one is thin enough, house not clean enough, I mean this is everyday!!! it wears me down! Its everything i do and say, my kids say, my husband and my dog. And every ones other houses are soooo nice, nice kids, food taste yummy. So yes I have a very negative mother.

You write that your mother has always been like that. So it has nothing to do with her (ahem!) age. Some folks are that way. They don't even realize that the words that pop out of their mouths are so often downers. I'm related to people like that.

Don't worry about what your mother says to you about your nephews. You don't know what she says when she's at their house. And she may say wonderful things about your children when you're not around to hear it.

Don't look to your mother for affirmation; she can't give that to you in a way you can receive, even if she wants to.

Being around a negative-minded person can make you feel you're being pulled down, not just put down. Do your best to surround yourself purposefully with positive influences, positive friends, and positive reading, so that her negativity doesn't make you negative. Developing your sense of humor can help, too. You may not be able to change her, but you can keep her from changing you while you continue to love her.

AHHH, we must be related! My mom is the same way! She is so unbelievably negative and is oblivious to it! For instance my best friend and family friend since I was 10 is gay! My mom is nice as can be to her face but puts horrible judgmental things on facebook about gays. This is just and example. She, like your mom judges my kids friends, what my kids wear, say, how I discipline, cook, everything.... I wish I could tell you how to get her to snap out of it, but all I can say is try to let it roll off your back. On some things, I will call my mom and hold my ground just to show her that unlike everyone else, I am not afraid to argue politics and religion with her when she is going too far! Good Luck, HOLD YOUR GROUND!!

My mom has gotten better over the years, but I've always been the child that got a lot of the negativity.

Really, now that you're an adult, you have the option to limit your time with her. Just give yourself a pep talk before you see her so you are prepared for what's coming. Honestly, you can't change her, so you need to just be polite and keep peace in the family. You said she's always been like this, so obviously she isn't going to change.

And, by the way, it's probably good that your dd looks young for her age...my dd is also VERY young for her age and I think that's a good thing!

Just brace yourself when she visits and ignore 90% of what she says. You are doing a good job. Who knows -- she might be the same way with your sister. She might tell your sister how amazing your kids are and pick at hers...
Good luck!
LBC

Yes. She is getting better because we all (three siblings) call her out on it. She knows it too, but sometimes she just forgets. Often times I simply say, Geesh mom, that was really negative. What the heck do you mean? then she tells me what she was thinking and it really isn't negative, just a weird thought at which point I explain the art of keeping quiet _ lol.
Your mom may have been raised oddly (like mine was). Needless to say, find a way to point out when she is being overly critical and just let her know while she is welcomed and appreciated - her opinions on many things aren't.

I think we have the same mom!

My mom has NEVER offered encouragement or support nor even shown any interest in what I do unless it is something that she can criticize!

I've been operating a home-based paralegal business for a couple of years now. Not ONE TIME has my mom asked how my business is going. She always asks about my hubby's work, but never a word about mine.

She can't wait to get on the phone and gossip with my sister about me and my family and then when she speaks to me, no matter what is going on with my sister, she lies and tells me all this wonderful stuff just to find out later that none of it was true. She just can't let anyone see my sister or her children as anything less than perfect.

I have an arms-distance relationship with my mom. I love her, but don't always like her!

I think the most important (and also the hardest) thing is to not take it personally against yourself; she is the way she is, and you know what? Unfortunately, she probably has no clue that she sounds that way. my mom wasn't negative towards my son but when I was looking for encouragement, wanting to change jobs and do something interesting and fulfilling after 20 years as a secretary, all she could say was, You are lucky you have a job and you can support yourself. To my dreams of being a writer she said, There's only one JK Rowling. Yeah, not devastating but still fairly negative, and certainly not motivational, you know? not what you would expect a mother to say.. but then mothers are all different, right? I feel like all parents screw up their kids one way or another, and then we seek a way to make things different for our kids, which wouldn't have happened if they hadn't shown us the wrong way. Kudos to you for changing the cycle! :)

I have people in my life like this. Some people you can avoid but it's harder when it's your mom. So... this is what I try to do when I'm stuck with someone like that.

Imagine you are watching your mom on TV when she says something negative or disturbing to you. It's a comedy show, right? You can dub your favorite cartoon character's voice over you mom's. Now she's talking like Miss Piggy. You don't even need to respond when she says something bizarre. You can just say something like, "really?", and be amused without having to agree or disagree with her.

It sounds like you have some good times with your mom. People are a package deal so try to focus and make the most of those good times and put boundaries around the negative stuff.

Those two comments don't sound negative to me, but maybe they were to you in the context or by her tone.

I'm assuming she spends more time with your kids than she does with yours. Closeness with them is to be expected. Don't take that personally.

I think we tend to fantasize about what visits with loved ones will be like when we don't see them too often. Then when it doesn't live up to expectations because they are who they are, flaws and all, we tend to feel down about it. Enjoy her for who she is with the time you have left with her, and drop the expectations. Show grace for her flaws. You will be much happier with your visits.

Maybe she tells your sister how her kids look odd, and your kids are the most amazing kids? :)

oh my goodness I feel your pain.. my mom is the same way.. we moved away from home with my family and when my mom visits she makes sure we know how upset she is..

she talks about how horrible my kids's school is (which is a great school), she talks about the crime rate (there really is none except in certain parts and i live no where close), and how we should move back home because she misses her grandkids.

I would ignore it or ask your mom nicely to cut it out or ask her to leave out right as I had to do with my mother when I had my daughter... its a sad situation and I hope you can work it out.

Ugh - sounds like my mom. I don't know why but moms feel they can be totally candid with us - when really we'd rather they don't. The big lesson in all of this is to help us see what we DON'T want to be with our kids.

As for your mom telling you how wonderful your sister's kids are, I wouldn't be surprised if, when you're not around she's telling your sister how great your kids are.

My mom lived in an apartment on the side of our house for 15 years. She saw my kids during the best and worst times. She constantly told me how wonderful my brother's kids were - my SIL is a licenced teacher (she is a stay at home mom) and their kids were fabulous musicians, martial artists, atheletes, authors, etc. Now that the kids are all older and my mom is in a nursing home she still goes on this way. But I've overheard her telling her friends how wonderful I am, my husband and my kids. Meanwhile my brother's kids, although nice kids, have become very sub-culture-ish (goth attire, dropped out of all music sports, etc.)

Lift your head, chin up and realize you escaped your mom's negative influence and you won't be like that with your kids. Ask God to remind you if you begin to gte that way! Sometimes I think God puts people in our lives as a picture of how not to be. ;o)

I have a friend who is like this. The odd thing is that I don't think she has any idea her negative comments are off-putting to anyone. She is painfully shy, and I think that her negative comments are her way of making conversation. I will admit that I was a little like that when I was in high school and hadn't yet learned the art of small talk.

Of course it is highly annoying to you. I would hate to be around that negativity too. Maybe if you gently call her out on it, or recruit your kids to do it ;-) she will keep herself in check a little bit. Good luck to you. It must be hard to put up with it when it's your own mother.

Negitive? How's this "M. you shouldn't have got your tubes tied, WHEN you divorce a new guy might want kids!" or "well at least I know 2 of my grandkids are mine" I'm her only daughter. Yes these are only a few things my moms said to me. So your mom questioning if a boy is a girl hardly what I consider negitive.

I'm sorry you took her criticism to be all negative.

My wife looked like she was in the 7th grade when she was in high school. Now she looks like she is in her 30's when she is in her 50's. Some women would say that's a good thing.

I grew a moustache when I graduated high school so it wouldn't look like I was in Jr High when I went to get a job to support my going to college.

As far as your son's friend goes, she is probably under the impression that girls have long hair and boys have short hair. Girls wear ear rings and boys and men don't. She probably longs for the "good old days" when this was true (50 to 60 years ago).

Yes, my parents were like this, that is, thinking boys should have short hair and no earrings. They praised what they thought was praiseworthy and criticed what they didn't like. That is like most people I know, and especially the moms and dads on this site.

I hope you love your mom enough to get close to her and not be more critical of her than she was when she was giving you her opinion. Sounds like you and your mom are cut from the same cloth, except you are critisizing her and she was critisizing you son's friend and admiring your daughter's youthfulness.

My glass is half full. How full is your glass?

Good luck to you and yours.

Somewhere is some psych text is the saying, "...child is the father of man." Loosely translated means what what manifests in our childhood affects us as adults including our perceptions and relationships.

Not assuming but just wondering what your relationship with your mom growing up? I am asking because I grew questioning my own mom's love for me. Now that I am older, I realize that the love was always there, however, our personalities were just water and oil. But for awhile, I gave meaning to everything she said in a negative light regardless of whether that was her intention or not. Sure some comments in my childhood were harsh but I also have to understand that my mother is a product of her own upbringing. My mother spends more time with my sister's kids than mine. Sure she favors them but she loves mine just the same.

My 2 cents...

We can only be responsible for our own. In doing things for others (family or not), don't expect anything in return, even in how they should behave. If you do you're bound to get disappointed.

Honestly, what she said are hardly negative IMO. You're mother may be responsible for what she says but you are responsible for how you interpret it.

Believe me my mom is worse but she does not stop me from believing how wonderful I am (tee hee)

Oh, yes, I have a mom like this, but mine is so negative and toxic we can't be around her. Your mom sounds far more manageable.:)

Teaching our kids to selectively ignore the nutty stuff can help them later on, when they have nutty, complaining coworkers and others who would catch them up in their negativity. It's too bad she's expressing her sense of favoritism about your sister's kids, but my guess is that your kids can understand somewhat about what's socially appropriate, too. Giving them the option of 'not hanging out' if Grandma's going off about something is all the kids need. When outlandish comments come up, you can ask a simple "Wow, Mom, do you really think that's true?" Help the kids to understand that Grandma's perceptions about others can be a bit antiquated... and that they're just one (maybe wacky?) person's perceptions.

Hard to be around, I know...good luck!