Advice for Mother That Does Not Involve Herself with Me or My Children

I kinda have the same type of relationship with my father. It all stems back from my childhood but I used to really hate him for what he had done to me and my mother, let alone to himself. But I forgave him after many years and we made amends. But I was always the one to call, go over to his house, etc. And then a few years back (2004), my daughter and I moved from IN to SC leaving behind everything we knew (she was 3 at the time). It wasn't until I had my son in 2006 that my dad made an attempt come see me for once and he made the flight to SC and stayed for a week. After that, everything went right back to the way it was. You love your mom, it's obvious otherwise you wouldn't have asked for advice. You've done the right thing going to your Higher Power. Let Go and Let God is a motto I've followed for some time now. I let go of my problem and give it to my Higher Power for him to help me deal with it. Don't know how much help this is but your are right on about distance from the negative.

S.

Hey A.,

I know how you feel my mom and I don't have the best relationship. I have a young brother (12) so my mom is more like still a "mom" to him than the "grandma" that I imagined her to be. I probably watch my brother more than she watches my kids :) Anyway the only advise I can give you is to pray for your mom. All the mistakes and character flaws that you see in her, be conscious not to repeat them. You are the only person that you can control in this situation, so you are responsible for being the bigger person. I don't think there is anything wrong with staying away from stressful interactions...we are called to love one another, and that does not necessarily mean that we have to be best friends with everyone, even our own mother. I would also encourage you to lead by example. It was very hard for me to show my mom what it means to go out of your way for a family member because I felt like she is MY mom and should be teaching me that through her actions. But nonetheless she has improved and I just appreciate what she is and try not to focus so much on what she is not. This has really helped me relieve myself of disappointment. I continue to pray for her and even as recently as last weekend she Volunteered for the first time to keep my kids over night! (My Oldest is 6) Praise God ! Be encouraged people can change :)

Dear A., it's unfortunate that your relationship with your mother is not a healthy one. However, you have your own role as a mother and therefore the responsability to create a functional, loving, safe environment at home with your kids.
I met women who had been badly hurt by their mothers and the still carry the scars of it. At 36 years of age I am sure you have tried time and time to be close to your mother. If any attempt has failed and you don't feel like trying anymore, it's okay to accept her for what she is and not expect wonders from her anymore. She must have some serious issues, poor woman, and you and your children do not need to be exposed to a hurtful behavior because of that. My advice is to protect yourself and the kids...evil comes in many shapes and she is a victim of it, but you don't have to be. So I would not cancel her from my life, but I would just take her in small sips, like a bitter medicine, until it's time to say goodbye.

This is an unfortunate situation. Its hard to really give any advice, but my own experience has taught me that you cannot change others, only your own reactions to their behavior. If distancing yourself from her somewhat helps you be a better mother to your own children, that may be best. Hopefully, you dont feel guilty for doing this. My family is also disfunctional and I have found that distance can help relieve my stress so I can function better and think more clearly rather than emotionally. It is great that you opted for counseling. It is so important to learn different from some of the things you learn growing up in a less than ideal environment. If you visit, I would keep visits short (however long you can handle without making yourself nuts, 15 minutes, an hour? ). This may help you cope a little more with her negativity if you can take it in small doses, or you may choose to obstain from visiting if this situation is that bad. It is sad for the children if their grandparents are not a supportive extention of their parents, but I dont believe it is absolutely critical that there must be the presence of the grandparents in order for the children to grow up in a loving environment. I dont believe they will be missing out especially if their grandparents would do more harm than good as models for their life. I think the issue on whether to visit in such an enivroment is a personal one. Please do not feel guilty for any decision you make. You have to do what is best for your family (you, husband kids) first and foremost. Your mother may always have issues, but that does not mean it must be your personal burden. As for myself, it has taken many years to accept my parents and extended family as they are, but not to tolerate certain behaviors. It is hard to separate these issues. I have a polite relationship with my family now, but I will never really be close to them in the way I would like. I am blessed however, to have wonderful inlaws. I call my parents maybe once a month, and I live out of state so I only visit at most, once or twice a year (sometimes I have gone 2 years without visiting) for no more than 4 days at a time. I have found that to be my limit, before my emotional state starts to become affected. Hopefully you can find some sort of peace in this situation. Good Luck and stay strong.

You sound like I did about 7 years ago- and I think that there is less acceptance in the situation and more of a settling factor. And I am here to tell you- don't settle. For years my mother was verbally abusive toward me. Nothing I did was right, and my whole life was twisted to make her look like a martyr mother. She had this demon child that she had to control. I settled by accepting our relationship on her terms for the sake of my brother who was 10 years younger than me. It ended when she walked out of my wedding 7 years ago because I "didn't make her feel special" That day was the first time she had come to see me since I moved in with my father at age 15. I was 22. In the end I lost my brother and my mother. My brother has only talked to me one since turning 18 last year- I have no idea what he has been told. Don't settle for your children's sake. Do something- talk to her- candidly. Suggest help for both of you- tell her it is for your sake if you have to- and if nothing else works- don't let her poison you children. They understand much more than you know.good luck.

You need to remember that your self worth does not come from your mother. She has issues that keep her from understanding her mistakes. You are valuable because you are a child of God and he is with you and loving you every moment. Every time you feel unloved by your mom, go to him and he will help you see how much he loves you. You have your life, your children, your friends. Do not expect anything from her and appreciate the little things. We are all broken people and we cannot take it personally when someone falls short of what we hope. Even when that person is our mom. The only love that never fails is God.

LOVE the advice given already!!

I totally empathize with you. It sucks!! My worst fear is that I'll suddenly be this really old, pissy woman like MY mother!

ARGH!!

In any case, what to do?? IIWY, when your mother is negative or shows bad behaviour treat her just as you do your children.

Remove her from the situation and have a talk about her 'behaviour' only.

I would take charge and accept that she might get really upset. But, isn't it worth her being upset if she GETS what she is doing wrong? How much worse can it be than it is now??

I'd be open and honest about how you feel.

Have fun with your kids. She may never change, but YOU can change the cycle.

A.,
This is B. (deaffmommie) on the lists I follow, which are quite many.

Anyways, I digress.
About your relationship with your mom. First, this is your mom's problem for whatever it is worth, it's HER problem. I do not know your complete situation, but it sounds like you do all the trying and giving and Mom does all the complaining the world doesn't involve her and taking.

You cannot fix what another has broken. In this case, you have tried 9 years (?) to fix something she broke and doesn't want fixed.

From your posting, I understand that there is only your brother's children that matter to her. I have no words or wisdom, but I do understand how that hurts. My son's paternal family was that way with him. And the highlite, my son is the only male heir sans the name.

Anyways, I kinda have the same situation you do with my dad. I have not spoken with him since my step mom hung up on me almost four years ago, telling me they were busy, they would call me later. Oh the added "bonus", I am deaf so it's "ok" to shun me and my kids from the family.

So for my emotional health and that of my kids, I cut ties and stopped catering to my Dad and step mom.

They think I stopped talking over a Christmas gift not received. Far from it. and this year, they snubbed me and kids, but not giving anything.

Yes it makes me sad. Yes, I have prayed myself, yes, it's hard to move one, but for your emotional health, I would step back and see if your mom comes to you.

I am so sorry for your pain. and that of your kids.

Hope this helps.

B.
deaffmommie

Love and honor your mother but do not allow her to affect your relationships with your husband and children. If she can't visit with you or your children without leaving pain behind then don't visit. Never cease praying for her.

Hi, My advice to you is to not put too much energy worrying about why your mother is the way she is or why she won't include your children in her daily life. My husband (who is an only child to his father) Has 2 boys with me and even though him and his dad had their differences I always thought them to be close enough that if we ever had kids that his dad would embrace them.He has not even seen my babies except in picture, he sends them no birthday or christmas cards and when him and my husband talk he never even ask about the children,let alone even know how old they are or their names.It use to bother me but then after awhile I realized that if that if it wasn't bothering him, then it shouldn't bother me.After all,he is the one who is missing out and it's not necc. a bad thing that he isn't around to influence my children if his family morals and values aren't the same as mine. So your children may not be missing out to very much if she is as you say.It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't try to fix it.If you bleieve in God then you must know that we all have are "charts" to fullfill.This could be who she needs to be to fullfill her purpose. I don't think everyone believes the same things I do, but we all believe in God. And in my belief I think that we all have our on purpose,even the down and out. It sounds sad but some people are here to help others along in their journey.Your mother may not even realize you feel the way you do, you both also could just be being real stubborn about the issue and not addressing it to one another. The only 2 options are telling her how you feel or accpeting that as some like to say now-a-days, "It is what it is".GL

I have a similiar relationship with my mom. She actually made my daughter cry. I don't think it is going to get better between us. I cried many times over this and have tried over the years to understand. I think it is just genetic and pray that it doesn't happen to me and my daughter. I look to the future and am thankful that my mom has a very full life. I think it is more about acceptance.
I try to work on my actions and no my reactions to her. If she makes me cry or upset while talking, I just let her know I have to go and that is the end of our conversation. Otherwise, it might filtrate to my family.
Stop the insanity, it obviously has to start with you.
Good luck and know you are not alone.
Let me know if anything else works for you.

Hi A.,
I know exactly what you are dealing with. My mother and I have the same problem. I have learned to try and let what she says and how she says it kind of go in one ear and out the other. A few years ago, I had a talk with my father and told him that I was going to have a talk with her and tell her that if she did not change certain aspects of her behavior, I was not going to be able to visit anymore. He then sat down with her and let her have it without my knowledge, I found out through my husband. She changed a little, she follows the rules I set forth for my daughters, she does not offer her opinion about my life unless asked, and she does not make disrespectful comments towards me in front of my daughters. As for other things, I have had to accept that it who she is and I cannot change her, I can just change the way I deal with her. I have learned to look at her as another one of my children, and try to deal with her as if she were a preteen. Every once in a while I do have to kind of "reprimand" her and explain to her why she cannot do what she did. Our relationship has gotten better, but it is only because I am learning how to handle her. Just remember, you cannot make a person change, you can only change how you react to that person. There are events in my mothers past, that she has not been able to confront and get over and she probably never will. I wish you all the luck and will keep you in my prayers.

I hate your situation for you! From what I read, I think you're doing what you need to do. Unfortunately, we don't always get along with everyone and I think that your situation with your mother is just that. Sounds to me like your mother is negative and probably pretty unhappy. I hope she gets into counseling to help herself. I would probably just keep the visits few and far between. We have to protect ourselves and do what's best for our children -- stay away from "poisonous people" even if those people are relatives.

I have a father I don't speak to and who has never and probably never will meet my child(ren). It's really sad that things aren't better -- but I'm having to do the psychologically healthy thing for my family. I feel your pain, sister!

Hi A.,
I applaud you for getting counseling. I think prayer and distancing yourself from the situation is a really good idea. I am sorry your children do not have a loving grandmother. I hope you have a loving church family that will embrace you and your children. I have found support from my church community to be invaluable.

I had a tough relationship with a mom I couldn't be friends with too. I don't remember anything coming out of her mouth except criticism. When she got older she became an invalid and I paid her sister to take care of her for 11 years. She was much softer in the end and I was finally able to forgive her. It was enormously empowering to finally let go of my anger toward her. I was able to grieve for the mother I wished she had been when she died. I wished I had forgiven her sooner because forgiving her was so freeing for me.

I send you my love and prayers.

My greatest fear is being like my mother. Every parenting decision I take her into consideration. I don't try to change my mom. I keep her at a distance. I've also passive agressivly made it clear, well maybe not so passive, but she KNOWS I'M in control of my family's life. If she dares to hurt my childern in any way, God help her. I have no problem cutting her off to spare my kids the psycological bullcrap I endured. Don't get me wrong. I know my mom loves my kids and somwhere deep down she loves me. But I can't allow her to emotionally confuse or hurt my children. Remember, Your family comes first and YOU have the knowledge and the strength to break a terrible cycle.

God Bless you and I hope everything works out, J.

This reminds me something Maya Angelou said in an interview, I will paste it for you to read:

Tavis: How do you speak to people who really want to have that kind of love and warmth in their home and in their family, but they struggle in trying to make that happen?

Angelou: Well, sometimes the people who are in your family are not quite acceptable and you have to be courageous enough to say, "I don't like you. I mean, you do things to people that I don't support and I don't like you. If you were no kin to me, I wouldn't like you. It's not my fault that you're kin to me, so I don't like you. I don't intend to spend one day with you."

Tavis: And that accomplishes what, Doc?

Angelou: Well, it cleans you. It makes the person to whom that is said think about herself or himself, "What am I really doing wrong?", if he or she wants to make a change. But what it does for you is it takes that burden of pretension off that, "Well, I don't like him and I don't want him in my house, but you know, he is my cousin's uncle's brother's friend." Well, no, I won't. No, no, no.

Tavis: (Laughter) But, Doc, you're not suggesting doing this at the dinner table, are you?

Angelou: No, I just don't invite them.

You can go here for the entire interview: http://www.pbs.org/kcet/tavissmiley/archive/200511/200511...

I agree with Maya, even if someone is family I don't want to be around people I don't like and that make me feel bad. You don't want to be around negativity all of the time. Yes, she is your mom, but you do not have to inflict yourself or your children with her "disease". I would pray that she changes and in the meantime try to make you and your children's lives as happy and positive as you can. I am glad that you are ending the "negative" cycle with you and your daughter. You do not want to be your mom's age and have your daughter feel the same way about you. Hopefully your mother will seek counseling and change....

The problem is, it's her decision to change and she may never do it. You can only change yourself.

That is a very hard situation to expalin to children. I am very familiar with the same thing with my own Grandma. I can remember when I was a child my Grandma calling my Mom and telling her she didnt have any food and my Mom would load me up in the car and go to the grocery store and buy bags and bags of food and take to Grandma's house and sometimes she would have to leave them on the porch because dear old Grandma wouldnt even answer the door for my Mom. On the other hand my Mother's sister was the "chosen one" when it came to Grandma and so were her kids. They always got to spend time with Grandma got the birthday and Christmas presents when we got nothing. I can remember it hurting when my cousin would show me something that Grandma bought her. We dont know why some people can act one way to one child and totally different to another and your kids dont understand now why their Grandma does what she does just as I didnt understand but I had the support of a loving family. The only advice I can give you is to love your kids and show them that they are special with or without Grandma! My parents did!

It sounds like to me that you really respect yourself and love yourself and your children enough to see the reality of the situation.

Get this: You cannot change anyone except yourself. You cannot "make" anyone do or say anything to make them be different than what they are. You can only love them for who they choose to be.

Given that, you can only love your mother for who she is.

Since your life is going in a more positive direction (I'm so incredibly proud of you for recognizing this aspect), what you need to do now is associate yourself with positive people, places and things. Completeness in oneself requires commitment to the positive - even if it forces you to make lemonade out of lemons, something that most people reject doing because it's the "hard road" in life. It will take many hours of practice, reading, practice, meditation/prayer, practice and a constant barrage of self-reinforcement to show yourself and your children that there is a better way of life.

Your children will grow into positive human beings who see the POSSIBILITIES in life - not the constant strain of trying to out-maneuver the negative influences/voices/people that they are in constant contact with. When they are adults, they will benefit from it one-hundred fold. Stay on track with your positive goals and make every effort to put your personal lessons learned into everyday life for your children - you can even make a game out of it for them so that they can see the fun in making people happy.

As for your mother, you have a choice to be either a positive influence on her or you can continue down the same path with her that you are on. People change when they see others change around them so with your mom, it might take her SEEING the change in you and HEARING the change in your words to help her transform a change in herself. *BIG ol' hugs for you*